


Being Human

by DinoDNA



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Burn Scars Dean, But Cas is not a very good demon, Crossroads Demon Gabriel, Demon Castiel, Doctor Jessica Moore, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Indecisive Castiel, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Lawyer Sam Winchester, Like, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Mechanic Dean, Mute Dean, Mutual Pining, PTSD Dean, References to Depression, Sign Language, Slow Build, Slow Burn, hangovers, hes terrible at it, references to violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-08 11:33:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 159,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11645700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DinoDNA/pseuds/DinoDNA
Summary: Castiel is thrilled to discover that Gabriel's pulled a few string in Hell, allowing the demon to go top-side to try and collect as many souls as he can to impress his bosses.  With a checklist on Being Human and Beezlebub's Official Obtaining Book for Souls (BOOBS for short) he's ready to go.  However, he didn't realize that meeting a certain mute mechanic would present such a challenge.  Dean's soul is so bright that it's almost blinding and Castiel makes it his personal mission to corrupt the man.   But, what happens when doubts start to confuse him?  He'd always been such a good rule follower, but pretending to be human may end up being harder than he thought.  Featuring: Mute Dean the Mechanic, Demon Castiel, Star Trek references, Buffy references, ASL, Crossroads Demon Gabriel, and all the confused head tilts you could ever ask for!  And smut, obviously.





	1. Straight Outta Hell

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Long time reader, first time poster here, friends! This has been a lot of fun to write but hasn't been proofread by anyone but me, so please excuse any grammatical errors. This work was meant to be a lot of humor with just a sprinkling of angst on top, you'll see what I mean. Lots of pop culture references, like seriously, lots. I've got it almost finished now and I'll be adding additional tags as we get underway. Just a quick note that anything underlined is meant to denote words spoken through sign language. Lots of love and let me know what you think! Updates on Saturdays.

The flames at his fingers tickled Cas’s skin and he pursed his lips. He had been standing here, at the edge of a large cliff in the bowels of Hell for what felt like eternity. He very well may have been, truthfully. The desperate gasps and screams of the damned echoed loudly from the pit below him. He’d often found the sounds soothing, but they were turning his stomach at the moment. He turned away from dark abyss before him and closed his eyes tightly. He’d been a demon longer than he could even remember, maybe he’d always been a demon, maybe he hadn’t. Occasionally, he had brief memories, or what he thought were memories, of physical sensations and emotions, they always took him by surprise.

Gabriel had just been by to report to him that he’d been given a new assignment. The prospect was exciting but also daunting. He’d been trying to work his way up the ladder for a long time now and had always been rebuffed in his advances. Gabriel had finally put in a good word for him and he was being given an opportunity. It was one that not many demons got and Cas was thrilled by the prospect. He was going top-side. Top-side for a whole year with the intent to damn and corrupt as many souls as he could. It wasn’t just all fun and games, he’d been told. He’d been given a quota, though Gabriel had assured him that it was quite low all things considered. 

He was set to leave soon, though he wasn’t sure when exactly. Time had no real hold in Hell and Cas wasn’t sure what the passage of time even felt like anymore. Gabriel had assured him that he would figure it out and had left to start getting things put together for him. Cas’s only real experience with humanity had been watching his brothers and sisters torment the souls that landed here. He considered the idea of souls briefly. The souls themselves somehow had bodies here and didn’t have them at the same time. They had enough physical mass that they could feel the cut of a blade and the crack of a whip in a corporeal way and yet those wounds never seemed to heal, never seemed to bleed, and yet they never truly existed either. They existed solely for the purpose of causing pain in whatever way possible. It had always confused Cas, but it was a certain fact of Hell that he had just come to accept.

Cas wondered briefly to himself, if he would be able to fake the emotions necessary to manipulate the humans on Earth and resolved to try his best. He’d been lying and manipulating forever, the addition of emotions, fake emotions that is, shouldn’t pose too difficult of a hurdle. He smiled grimly to himself, he was going to meet his quota and outshine all of his peers. He’d been thirsty for this chance for years and he was going to prove himself worthy. He’d poured over the Book hundreds of times and knew the procedures to a T. He patted his breast pocket briefly, checking to make sure his well-worn copy of the Beezlebub’s Official Obtaining Book for Souls (or BOOBS, for short) was still with him. It was a habit he had fallen into some time ago and he thought of it a bit like a demon security blanket.

With a bit of a spring in his step, he passed down the dark hillside and down twisting alleys and dark corridors. Screams rang out in his ears but he ignored them, accustomed to the noise from his millenia down here. He enjoyed taking these walks, at first it had been because he was happy to hear the torment of the damned but now he found a certain comfort in the radiating heat and darkness that encroached on all sides.

He was halted in his wanderings by a quick puff of smoke and the mischievous smile of Gabriel in front of him.

“Hey baby bro! I got the goods and we’re all set to get you upstairs. Have you thought about where you wanna land?” Gabriel rattled off quickly.

Cas had been considering his options since he’d heard the news that he was going to Earth. He had been able to observe places on Earth from time to time, brief glimpses when he’d had time to get away and sneak peeks. And he’d heard tales from his brothers and sisters who had visited the surface, he’d always listened with rapt attention to their tales of corruption and violence. 

So, he’d thought about where he wanted to start on his journeys and said resolutely to Gabriel, “The Midwest!”

Gabe nodded to him thoughtfully, a forefinger pressed against his lower lip. “Got anything more specific?”

Cas thought again, he had witnessed something just the other day that had interested him. A mechanic with dirty blonde hair and a soul bright like the sun. He had thought to himself that that would truly be a prize to poison. Where had he seen that man…?

“Sioux Falls, South Dakota,” He said brightly.

Gabe raised an eyebrow at that but shrugged and reached a hand out to Cas’s shoulder. Almost instantly the two of them were standing inside an alley alongside a quiet street. Cas blinked rapidly, disoriented by the sudden shift in location. Gabe clapped him twice on the shoulder and grinned broadly at him.

“Here we are, Cassie! The heartbeat of America, home of Mount Rushmore and the lifeblood of down home country charm, South Dakota.” He gestured impressively around himself and Cas took a moment to look around at the dirty alley, noticing the broken bottles under his feet and the smell that was rolling out of the dumpster to his left.

“Impressive,” He said drily.

Gabe waved him off and sauntered jovially out of the alley and into the street beyond. Cas glanced down one end and up the other with raised eyebrows. This was more than he’d ever seen of the surface and he was almost completely overwhelmed by the sights and smells around him. He was also absolutely freezing. He looked over at Gabriel who looked perfectly comfortable in jeans and light jacket. He rubbed his arms absentmindedly and Gabriel spied him from the corner of his eye.

“You’ll get used to it eventually. It’s actually summer here and hotter than all get out for the humans. You’re used to a more… arid climate, and one that’s certainly hotter. Just get a couple sweaters. The humans will look at you strange but you’ll be more comfortable.” Gabriel said off-handedly.

They were walking along the street now, the sidewalk before them cracked in a number of places and Cas found he was fascinated with the uneven cement and the little bits of grass growing between the cracks.

Gabriel had kept walking while Cas had stopped to watch a bug scuttling across the ground. After a moment, Gabe seemed to notice the silence and stopped himself.

“Caaaass…..” Gabe sighed with exasperation. He turned quickly and grabbed Cas’s arm and hauled him forward. “Focus please, bugs have their own version of the Devil to worry about.” At Cas’s shocked expression Gabe rolled his eyes. “It’s humans, stupid. Now, come on. You’ve got bigger fish to fry here.”

Cas scrunched his nose at the saying. Gabe had spent a lot of time on Earth and had picked up a lot of colloquialisms and sayings that never failed to confuse him. They continued walking and Cas became aware that Gabe was talking rapidly to him. He kept getting distracted by little things around him. The hum of an apartment’s air conditioner, a particularly puffy cloud, the breeze against his face, all seemed to draw his attention away from the surely pertinent information Gabriel was relaying to him. He frowned deeply and told himself to focus.

“...and another thing, try to steer clear of anyone holding a sign that says, “The End is Near” or perhaps “Nigh” or some shit like that. They aren’t affiliated with us so don’t try talking to them about grand schemes. You’ll only embarrass yourself and draw undue attention.” Gabe was talking animatedly, his hands flailing this way and that. Cas had to duck under a particularly wide gesture from his palm.

“The people here are generally what you’d call wholesome. It might be a bit more of a challenge than if you’d gone to say Vegas, LA or New York, but it should be all the more satisfying for the work it requires.” He paused thoughtfully, his lips pursed, and seemed to consider the building in front of them for a moment. “This is the one, I think!” He swept his hand to his right to a large brick building.

Cas followed his movement and looked at the building curiously. It was about 3 stories high, made of aging brick, with faded paint along one side that might at one time have been a mural or perhaps an advertisement. A number of air conditioning units stuck out from different windows in a haphazard way, the occasional drip from their bottoms coming to splash on the hot pavement below. It looked completely unremarkable and Cas looked to over to Gabriel for an explanation.

“You’ll need a home base, douche.” He said with an eye roll. “Welcome to your home away from home for the few months!”

“Oh” Cas said simply. This was going to be his “home”. He tried to look at it with new eyes, but his initial assessment held true and he felt his brows draw down slightly.

“You always look so serious, Cassie. You need to lighten up a little bit or you won’t be able to get anyone to talk to you, let alone sign their souls over to you.” Gabriel clapped him again on the shoulder and pushed him forwards slightly. “You’re in 2C. I called ahead and got everything situated. You’re welcome.”

xxx

“Dean!” 

Dean looked up from where he was hunched under the hood of some old Firebird that should have been retired 10 years ago. Bobby came into view from around a corner and walked gruffly towards him. He had a hand under his cap and was scratching his forehead with agitation. 

“Look boy, I know you’re busy with this hunk of garbage but I need a favor.”

Dean raised an eyebrow and waited patiently for his surrogate father to continue.

Bobby frowned and pulled his cap back into place. “We got a guy out front, some nut in a suit that doesn’t know squat about cars asking to have his looked at. I told him we would need some time but he’s insisting it be looked at now. Guy’s offering double what we charge to get it taken care of fast. You got a minute to spare?”

Dean shrugged good-naturedly. He’d dealt with more than one impatient businessman in his time here, ones that thought money could buy their way into anything, so he wasn’t bothered with the request. He followed Bobby towards the front and almost halted in his tracks when he entered the lobby. The “nut” Bobby had been referring to was standing calmly in the lobby, his hands at his sides. Bobby gave him a sidelong look and Dean held back a smile. It was almost 90 degrees outside and this guy was wearing a full suit and a tan trench coat on top of it. The guy had to be just dying of heat, but he looked cool as a cucumber, no trace of sweat on his face and no anxious pulling at his shirt collar. Dean did notice that his tie was a little rumpled and that his hair was in complete disarray, but it suited him somehow.

At the sound of their entrance the man turned to look at them and Dean felt his mouth go dry as the bluest pair of eyes he’d ever seen stopped him. The guy had a hard jawline, a sharp nose and eyes that seemed to look straight through him. Dean blinked rapidly and composed himself quickly. The man’s expression didn’t change and he looked as serious as someone about to deliver the news of a relative passing.

“What did ya say yer name was again?” Dean heard Bobby ask the stranger.

Blue-eyes looked Dean up and down quickly, assessing, before responding in a voice that sounded like whiskey poured over gravel.

“Novak. Castiel Novak.”

Bobby hmmphed at the strange response but tilted his head at Dean. “This is the mechanic. He agreed to come take a look at yer car.”

The man looked over at Dean again and nodded once. He turned quickly on his heel and headed back outside, presumably towards his vehicle. Dean raised an eyebrow at Bobby and the man shrugged with an eye roll. 

“Said the things makin’ a “veritable cacophony” when he tries to turn the engine over.” Bobby had enunciated the words “veritable cacophony” slowly and with a mocking twist to his lips. “Whatever the hell that means. Good luck”

And with that, Bobby turned and headed back towards his office. Dean sighed heavily, unprepared for this turn in his day but steeling himself against it regardless. He didn’t particularly like dealing with customers. Usually, Bobby or Jo would take care of it but Jo was off today and Bobby had been in a foul mood all morning.

Dean walked out the front door and into the waiting heat of the day. He raised an arm to shield his eyes from the sharp brightness that assaulted him. The man, Castiel, was standing next to a little foreign car that Dean couldn’t remember the name of. _Figures_ , he thought to himself.

The man looked a little impatient but kept his mouth closed as he waited on Dean to approach. Castiel was holding the keys to the car in one hand and Dean reached out to take them from him. 

“I told your superior that it’s making a lot of noise when I try to turn it on. My skill set lies elsewhere and I haven’t been able to diagnose the problem myself. I’m hoping we can get this situation resolved fairly quickly.” Castiel explained suddenly.

Dean rolled his eyes to himself when his back was turned from the other man. _What a priss_ , Dean thought with a laugh. He climbed into the small vehicle, immediately uncomfortable as his arms came into contact with the hot leather of the interior. Dean turned the car on and listened carefully. There was definitely a knocking coming from the engine. Dean turned the car off and waited another few seconds before trying it again. The knocking came again. Well, this was fairly easy to diagnose, as Castiel had phrased it. Based on the pitch and volume Dean figured that the rod bearings were wearing down. It wasn’t a difficult fix, he could knock it out quickly.

Castiel was looking at him expectantly and Dean smiled easily at him, trying to convey that he knew what was wrong through the look. Castiel continued to look at him expectantly, his eyebrows slowly creeping up his forehead. Dean started to get nervous now. Oh, right. He was waiting for Dean to say something. Dean reached out and handed the keys back to Castiel who caught them deftly.

Dean swiveled his head, hoping Bobby would be back out soon. He never dealt with customers for this very reason. He gave Castiel a lopsided grin that hopefully, only looked a little forced as he clambered out of the car. He took a quick side step away from the man that was suddenly too close to him and prayed silently that Bobby was on the way. His heart had picked up it’s rhythm when he’d realized how close he was standing to the blue-eyed man and he tried desperately to take a couple discrete calming breaths.

Just as Castiel opened his mouth to speak, the bell above the shop door rang and Bobby exited the building. Dean almost breathed a sigh of relief at seeing him but held back at the last minute. Bobby sauntered towards them, speaking as he walked. 

“Well? What’s wrong?” He asked gruffly.

Dean hesitated for a moment, looking briefly at Castiel beside him before he signed quickly to Bobby about the rod bearings. Bobby nodded a few times in understanding and then was straight to business with Castiel. 

“He says your rod bearings are wearing down. Now, that’s a fairly easy fix…” The rest of Bobby’s words were lost as Dean hurried back inside the shop and away from the heat of the sun and the heat those eyes had pooled in his chest. 

He took a deep breath as the door closed behind him. Bobby would figure out whatever needed to be done for the transaction and then would tell Dean what he needed to do. Dean closed his eyes briefly and willed his heart rate to slow down. He hadn’t had a physical reaction to someone like that in a long time. That coupled with his anxiety about not being able to answer the man had his brain all muddled. He’d always had a weakness for dark hair and that was working against him today.

He needed some water and an air conditioner on him, immediately. He was absolutely boiling in his jeans and shirt today. His blood had always run hot. He often wondered if it was some latent aftereffect of the fire that had taken his mother and scarred his body. He could almost feel flames licking at his legs and his ribs from time to time. Summers were miserable for him and the cloying heat of the Midwest in June was enough to make him seriously consider stuffing ice cubes down his underwear. He’d managed to refrain from doing that, so far at least. Sam had always joked with him about it, claiming Dean had boiling water in his veins instead of blood. It was something Sam had noticed at an early age and had been a running joke between the two of them for years.

Dean could feel the flush on his cheeks receding and he was immensely thankful for the water Bobby kept in the lobby for customers. Dean inhaled deeply and made his way back into the garage proper and debated with himself what to do. Bobby would be in soon and would let him know one way or the other which car he needed to be focusing on. He decided now was as good a time as any for a quick break and sat down heavily on a bench along the wall of the garage, facing the Firebird he had been working on. 

Five minutes later, Bobby walked back in with a scowl and his cap askew. Dean kept in the snort that threatened to escape his lips and waited for Bobby to speak. 

“That guy had more questions than Sam when he thinks you’re hiding something from ‘im.” Bobby sighed exasperated. “He wanted to talk to you. I told him it wudn’t possible. Had to explain to him about the signing just get him off my back. Sorry.” Bobby looked apologetically at Dean for a moment before letting his eyes trail to the floor. “Anyway, he wants you to fix the bearings as soon as you can. He asked to sit in here and watch you work, to “make sure an adequate job was being done”. Bobby had done far more air quotes at that statement than was strictly necessary but Dean made a valiant attempt at keeping a smile off his face. “Told him an adequate job was gonna be done whether he was here or not and that I didn’t want him harassing my mechanic.” Bobby shrugged here as if he was too worn out to continue.

“He said he’d go for a walk and come back. I don’t think the Devil himself could stand this heat in that damn coat he’s got on but he promised he’d be fine.” Bobby shrugged again. “Left his keys if you wanna bring it around the bay. I’d rather get him taken care of and out of here as fast as we can. Something about him don’t sit right with me.”

Dean nodded and stood, reaching out a hand for the keys Castiel had left with Bobby. He trotted outside and pulled the car around to the first bay and pulled it in alongside the Firebird. He wouldn’t mind getting this taken care of quickly either. Castiel had unsettled him, though not quite the way he had Bobby. 

xxx

Castiel meandered slowly around the park he had stumbled upon. He’d been on Earth for about a week now and he was finding more and more things that drew his attention. Everything was still so new to him, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever have a chance to get used to any of it. As he ambled through the park the heat from the concrete below soothed him and brought a sense of calm to his movements. He thought back to his interaction with the “mechanic” that he’d gone to see. That was definitely the man that he’d picked South Dakota for and he was shocked to see him in person. He had been scoping out the area since he’d arrived and after he’d managed to get rid of Gabriel. He still wasn’t sure what this mechanic’s name was but he would recognize the sight of that soul anywhere. And with his newly mortal eyes he was able to appreciate the man for his purely aesthetic appeal as well. He was gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. All dirty blonde hair, freckles and eyes greener than the grass on a summer day.

Cas had almost swallowed his tongue when the man had stepped out of the of the garage and the proprietor of the establishment had introduced them. Though introduced might be a strong word, since he hadn’t gotten the man’s name. He had managed to keep his cool, even though his thoughts had turned into a riot upon meeting those eyes like stained glass. The conversation felt like a bit of a blur but they weren’t looking at him strangely so he must have managed to get through it. He was surprised to notice that his heart had picked up its normal rhythm. He placed a hand against it as he quickly made his way outside to the car he had “borrowed” for this interaction. 

He hoped there was nothing wrong with his mortal body since there seemed to be no outside stimuli that would be causing this quickened heart rate. He rubbed against his chest and willed the offending organ to settle itself down while he waited for the mechanic to meet him at the car. Cas watched in fascination as the man plunked himself down onto the seat and turned the engine over a couple times, listening intently. The clunking from the engine didn’t mean anything to him but the mechanic seemed know what was wrong fairly quickly. He smiled up at Cas and Cas felt his heart pick up again. He had apparently gravitated towards the man without his knowledge because when he stood up from the interior of the car they were standing much closer than they had been initially. Cas was so surprised by the nearness that he made no attempt to back away from the man and watched as the blonde side-stepped him quickly. 

He kept waiting for the mechanic to speak to him. To “talk shop” as the phrase went, he thought. But, no sound came from him and Cas wanted to push him for something. He had orchestrated this whole interaction for this moment, this initial meeting and he was anxious for something to come of it. He had even stolen this car from another mechanic’s shop so he’d have an excuse to be here. And yet, the blonde mechanic said nothing. Finally, Cas opened his mouth to prompt something from him when the owner of the shop came outside. 

The man next to him seemed to settle a little at the sight of the older man and Cas scrunched his nose slightly, unsure of what that meant. The owner spoke to the mechanic and Cas watched curiously as the blonde looked at him askance and then did a few strange movements with his hands that the proprietor seemed to nod at a few times in understanding. Cas frowned at the exchange. He was unfamiliar with these gestures. Gabriel spoke often with his hands but he had never done anything quite that intricate before. 

Then the man, Bobby, he remembered suddenly, had turned and was speaking to him again. He started explaining something about rod bearings and costs and estimated time of completion and Cas was nodding along to what he was saying but, he was not so discreetly, watching the blonde man walking hurriedly back into the building. After he had left, Cas’s wits seemed to come back to him and he turned towards Bobby with a frown. His curiosity got the better of him and the questions just seemed to flow out after the mechanic had stepped away. What were rod bearings? Were they called that because they carried themselves in a stiff manner? How did the mechanic know just by listening? Do different problems have different sounds? On and on the questions came until finally he asked if he could come and speak again with the mechanic. He tried insisting but Bobby wasn’t having it and so Cas settled on a different question and asked about the hand movements.

“It’s… It’s called signing. Sign language. He don’t talk, see, but he can talk in a way by making different motions with his hands.” Bobby explained, though he seemed hesitant to do so.

Cas mulled this information over for a minute and then asked, “May I sit with the mechanic while he works so that I can be assured he is doing an adequate job in a timely fashion?”

Bobby had looked at him flabbergasted for a moment and had flat out refused. Cas had huffed out a breath in agitation but had acquiesced. Bobby promised the car would be done in a couple hours and so Cas told him he would take a walk and be back promptly in two hours. Cas had then meandered around the sidewalks for a time before he happened upon a park. The sounds of children squealing drew his attention and he stopped to watch them play. The noises had been pained at first, or they had sounded that way to his ears. The shrieking had drawn him initially, reminding him of his true home downstairs. But, it was happy shrieking. He curled his lip at the sight of the toothless smiles and round cheeks of the children as they scurried around the park. He was still learning the difference between good sounds and bad sounds, he’d been accustomed to only the shrieks of the damned for so long that the sounds of happy children were jarring to him. 

Cas looked around the park and watched the happy faces of the mothers with their children and the defeated expression of a lone jogger as he made his way down the path. The man had an expression on his face that Cas was very familiar with from his time in Hell. The look almost brought a smile to his lips. If he could imagine the shouting was painful then he could almost picture being back in Hell. This place felt like a much brighter and more colorful Hell in some respects really, and he was happy that he’d made the decision to come here. He turned his face towards the sun and soaked in it’s warmth for a moment. 

Gabriel’s suggestion of getting sweaters had been sound advice, but he found that he much preferred the weight of the trench coat he now wore. It coupled with the heat of the sun kept the chills he had been feeling at bay and he almost felt himself smile at how comfortable he was. He held a hand out over the sidewalk and appreciated the heat radiating from the cement. The sun had been baking it all day and he had a brief desire to feel the heat on his bare feet. He glanced around quickly but no one seemed to be paying him any attention. Silently he toed off his slick black shoes and bent to pull his dress socks off of his feet. He stuffed the socks into the shoes and splayed his toes onto the concrete below him. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Ah, yes, this was exactly what he had been needing; just a little reminder of home. Everything around him had been so overwhelming this last week that he hadn’t had a chance to feel homesick, but standing in this park now, with his coat on, the sun on his face, and the hot sidewalk under his toes, he felt a slight yearning for Hell in his gut. 

He opened his eyes and continued on with his walk, holding his shoes in one hand, the other hand stuffed into the pocket of his large coat. If the people around him gave him strange looks he didn’t notice. He was lost in the sensations of being “mostly” human and experiencing the world like a newborn with a millenia old mind. Cas’s thoughts occasionally circled back to the beautiful mechanic and the problem that he had posed. Cas was well-versed in lies and manipulation, he’d been practicing those skills and learning the trade for as long as he could speak. Yet, how was he supposed to use those skills when the body that bright soul inhabited COULDN’T speak? He’d never come across this problem before. But, he hadn’t ever had to try and claim souls on his own before. Had never in fact, been top-side for more than a minute at a time. Perhaps this particular affliction was common among humans, he didn’t know.

That still left him with the problem of claiming the soul. He had set his sights on it and Cas was very rarely distracted once he’d gotten his mind set to something. And honestly, at this point it would be a matter of principle. Gabriel would ask eventually what brought him to this place specifically and he needed a good answer. Gabe would be impressed when Cas showed him the contract and the resplendent beauty of the soul he had managed to snare. Not to mention the man it came attached too. Cas knew that Gabe appreciated beauty in anything and anyone. If only if it gave him a bigger challenge in order to warp it. 

Cas checked his watch briefly. His wanderings had taken him an hour and a half since he’d left the garage and he supposed it would be an appropriate time to get back. He turned around and began an unhurried walk back to the garage, plotting the whole way.

xxx

Dean was just wiping a little grease off of his hands onto a dirty rag when he heard the faint ring of the bell from the lobby. He pursed his lips and glanced briefly at his cell phone. Castiel must be back for his car already. He rolled his eyes Heavenwards and waited on Bobby to appear to deal with the man. Bobby wasn’t forthcoming however, and as a couple of minutes stretched by he huffed indignantly. Just as he was turning to go and grab Bobby, the door to the lobby and the garage opened and Castiel himself stepped through.

Dean was taken aback for a moment, not that the man had been forward enough to come through, people did that all the time. But, taken aback because the man looked absolutely ridiculous. His hair seemed even more wild than it had before, twisting and turning in a riot of black. His eyes seemed to sparkle brighter, like they had absorbed some of the sunlight while he was outside. He was still wearing that God awful coat and he was… barefoot. He was holding a pair of neatly shined black shoes with soft black dress socks peeking out from the tops and… and he was standing on the dirty garage floor. Dean felt his the corner of his mouth quirk up. Castiel didn’t look in the least bit perturbed by his state of dress, simply looking around himself in curiosity before he spied Dean. It had to be one of the most incongruous things Dean had ever seen and he almost laughed at the sight of the finely boned feet sticking out from the pressed slacks against the stained cement floor of the shop.

Dean made eye contact with the man and Castiel made his way resolutely towards him. Dean took half a step back, looking towards Bobby’s office and willing the man to step out of it. Dean’s attention was diverted by Castiel as he stopped in front of him. Much too close to him, he might add, there was hardly any space between the two as the man peered at him curiously.

“I am to understand that you cannot speak to me using verbal means?” He asked simply.

Dean was surprised at being addressed this way. Most of the time people felt uncomfortable when they found out he couldn’t speak. Or even with derision at his “disability”, but never with a simple statement of fact. Dean sensed no condemnation in his tone and saw only curiosity on his face. It was refreshing actually, the man was blunt, probably to a fault, but Dean appreciated the fact that he wasn’t being handled like a child or like he was deaf or stupid.

He nodded once to the man while taking a small step back, in order to expand the space between them. The man was much too close for a comfortable conversation to be taking place. He waited for Castiel to continue but the man had pursed his lips and had a slight frown on his face, as if in deep thought. “Those movements you performed earlier with your hands to… Bobby?” Dean nodded again. “Those are a different means of communication? He understood what you were saying to him.” 

Dean gave a half shrug and nodded. Castiel frowned again in thought and Dean had to force a smile off of his face. The man was interesting to say the least. He seemed truly interested in the fact that Dean was mute and was trying to work out how to talk to him. It was endearing in a way, he mused. Castiel’s brows lifted suddenly and he started rummaging around in his pockets for something. He was hampered by his hand holding the shoes. He seemed to keep forgetting that he was holding them and couldn’t force his right hand into his pockets with the cumbersome objects in his grip. He huffed agitatedly as he tried to put the hand into a pocket, switched the shoes into the other hand, only to need try and reach into a different pocket with that hand and Dean let out a small strangled squeak of amusement. 

Castiel looked at him in confusion and Dean removed all expression from his face and looked back at him neutrally. Castiel then looked around suspiciously as if some offending mouse had gotten into the room and he was going to spy it rooting around. Eventually, he produced a pen from one pocket and a receipt from another pocket with a triumphant look on his face. He held them out to Dean and Dean looked at them in confusion.

“I am at a disadvantage here. The proprietor gave you my name but I never received yours. Can you… oh, perhaps not.” He thought here a moment more before continuing. “Can you write your name for me? I would have you use your hands but I wouldn’t know what it meant.” At Dean’s amused look, he amended, “Well, I suppose you’re still using your hands to write. But I meant using your hands to…” He trailed off as Dean took the pen and the paper from him.

He watched eagerly as Dean smoothed the paper against the top of the car behind him and swirled a couple small circles on the paper in order to get the pen to work. In a quick and sloppy hand he wrote simply, “DEAN” and handed it back to Castiel. 

Castiel studied the paper, bringing it closer to his eyes than was probably necessary and Dean again felt amusement alight on his features. This guy was completely unreal. He watched the guy’s lips as they mouthed the word once and then looked up to meet his eyes.

He extended a hand then, Dean was further amused to note that it was the hand holding the shoes, as if he were expecting a handshake. Castiel huffed a breath and extended the other hand instead and this time Dean reached forward to grasp it in a firm grip and pumped it once. 

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel’s deep voice intoned to him with formal solemnity. 

Dean nodded to him once before dropping his hand. It was then that he noticed Bobby coming out of his office, hat pulled tightly down across his head. _Oh thank God…_ Dean thought to himself. _Took you long enough you old bastard._ Though, he couldn’t say that his brief interaction with Castiel had been too terrible. His eyes shifted back to the dark-haired man and he was a little shocked to note that Castiel’s eyes had remained trained on his face while he had turned towards Bobby. He felt a heat suffuse his cheeks briefly and he nodded once to Castiel before stepping away and signing to Bobby that the car was done. 

“Bout time,” Bobby huffed to him good-naturedly and Dean smiled back at him before stepping towards the back. He didn’t necessarily have anything to do back there but he needed to put some space between himself and the darkly engaging man that was now speaking quickly to Bobby. They seemed to settle their business quickly and the man was accepting the keys from Bobby and making his way towards the lobby. He paused at the door and looked back at Dean with an unreadable expression on his face. Dean had the singularly uncomfortable sensation that he was being weighed and measured with those piercing eyes before the moment was broken and Castiel was gone through the door.

Dean exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He could mark this day as one of the strangest he’d had in awhile. He took a steadying breath and looked towards the Firebird morosely. He had a feeling he was going to have trouble concentrating the rest of the day but did his level best to turn his attention back to the job at hand.

xxx

Castiel sat inside “his” car where he had parked it downtown. He was going to leave here when he finally convinced himself to get out. He couldn’t very well take it back to his home and have it tracked back to him, it would cause too much suspicion and he was trying to keep a “low-profile” as Gabriel had told him. That interaction with Dean had gone better than he’d thought it would. _Dean…_ he thought to himself. _Dean, Dean, Dean._ The name suited the man and Cas caught himself before he said it out loud. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he thought. He needed to force some more interactions with the man, he just wasn’t sure how yet. He sighed sharply and forced himself out of the car. He had enjoyed the heat from the seats and was reluctant to leave them. But, the longer he stayed in the car the higher his chances of being caught by something looking for the vehicle. 

He had put his shoes back on, noticing the way Dean had looked at his bare feet. He figured that perhaps people didn’t just wander around barefoot up here and he was determined to look like he fit in. Though, he did look a little wistfully at the black asphalt of the road below him before forcing himself to continue down the road. Castiel was lost in his thoughts and so he missed the dirty looks of the other drivers on the road that had passed him. He had broken more than a few laws and a few moving violations with his haphazard driving earlier. The car he had just exited was parked at a rather jarring angle, half a front tire on the curb and next to a fire hydrant. But, Cas paid none of it any mind. The fact that he had managed to maneuver the car at all had been nothing short of a miracle, truthfully.

He wandered the sidewalks for a time, following a particularly white cloud as it drifted lazily above him. His thoughts kept coming back to the problem that Dean the blonde mechanic posed. The man seemed to have some sort of physical reaction to his proximity. He thought back to the pink that had stained his cheeks at one point and a slight tightening in his chest drew his attention. That was starting to worry him, but just as he was thinking about it his eyes fell upon a rather artfully decorated sign in a store window. The sign read “Help Wanted” with a large number of swirls on the ends of the letters. There was also a small symbol at the bottom of the sign that Castiel wasn’t familiar with. It looked like a half moon, or perhaps like a stylized trident. Castiel pondered it for a moment, trying to determine it’s origin before moving his eyes to look up. 

Castiel looked closer at the store front. It appeared to be a coffee shop. Castiel was only vaguely aware of the concept of coffee. He’d never had it before but he knew that Gabriel was a particular fan of something called an espresso. Coincidentally, Gabriel had also been banned from all Crossroads meetings while he was on espresso, though Cas wasn’t sure why.

Speaking of Gabriel, he had suggested Cas get a job while he was up here. He assured him that it would help him assimilate and also told him that he would start needing money soon since his mortal body would need to eat. This felt rather fortuitous! He decided to shelve his plans for Dean for the moment, he would need to consult with BOOBS later anyway.

He gathered himself up resolutely before pushing the door open and blinking against the sudden dim light around him. A petite redhead sat behind the counter, her eyes half-lidded as if she were falling asleep. Cas looked around, quickly assessing his surroundings. The place was empty, aside from the redhead and he thought shrewdly that this probably wasn’t good news for a customer based business. 

He approached the counter confidently and looked at the young woman curiously. She hadn’t seemed to notice him yet and after a few moments, he cleared his throat loudly. She blinked suddenly and her head snapped upright. It swiveled around twice before catching sight of him and her eyes focused on his face.

“Oh geez, I’m sorry!” She laughed nervously. “The place has been dead all afternoon and I was falling asleep here.” She straightened and smoothed down the apron she was wearing. She met his eyes again and smiled prettily. “What can I get you?”

Cas looked her up and down briefly, spying a nametag pinned to her chest. He cleared his throat again and looked down at her imperially. “Yes, Ms. Organa, I would like one job, please.”

The woman blinked at him in surprise and her eyes clouded with confusion. “Wha-” She started to say and then looked down at her chest. Comprehension dawned at last and she laughed loudly. “Oh, wow, I completely forgot that was there.” She laughed again. 

Cas was looking at her with a raised eyebrow. He peered again at the nametag she now had tilted towards her face. It read in simply bold type, **Charlie Organa**. He looked back up at her face and noticed her eyes were sparkling with mirth.

“I put the last on there as a joke. You know, ‘cause Leia’s the dream girl.” She ran a hand through her hair here and let out one more chuckle. “It’s just Charlie. Er, I’m just Charlie.” She took in his appearance then, seeming to really look at him for the first time. “And I’m sorry, did you say you wanted a job?”

“I believe I said one job, but yes. I saw your sign out front…”

Charlie was waving her hand now and his sentence trailed off. “Not to be rude, but you don’t really look like the type to get a job in a coffee shop. The position is just for a barista, it barely pays above minimum wage…” She paused here and looked at him thoughtfully. “With that suit you look more like you’d be running the place… I had figured the sign would attract some college student, honestly.”

Cas looked at her impassively. She seemed to be exercising some sort of judgement on him based on his appearance. It was a rather novel experience really, he hadn’t given a thought to his appearance in a long time. Demons all looked very similar in Hell, outward appearances notwithstanding. Their essence was always black and twisted, the ethereal stuff soft at the edges and misty. They all had faces and human forms, something to hold in the horror of their true selves. He mused briefly as to why that was… He’d never thought about it before. He figured it might be a good idea to pay closer attention to his appearance at a later time, now it was too late to do anything about it.

“Do you have any experience working in customer service?” Charlie asked him brightly.

Cas considered the question for a moment and decided on a vague answer. “I’ve been looking to get into sales.”

Charlie nodded here and shrugged. “Well, you’re a bit of an oddball, I’ll give you that. But, I need the help. This place is a madhouse.” 

Cas took a moment to look around the shop again curiously, taking note of the fact that it was still deserted.

Charlie blushed, the pink on her cheeks contrasting with the red of her hair. “Obviously not right now… I promise it’s nuts in the mornings!”

Cas nodded to her in what he hoped was understanding. He had no idea how these types of transactions typically occurred and was trying to follow her lead.

“Anyway,” She started again, “Shift starts at 4:30 a.m. and goes until 12:30 Monday through Thursday. I hope you work well under pressure because you would not believe the horde of zombies that come in here that early. You know sometimes, I like to picture myself as this totally hardass zombie hunter except instead of headshots to kill them I pass out espresso shots.” She laughed loudly but the sound faded as she looked over at Cas. He wasn’t laughing, just looking at her with a tilt to his head in confusion.

“Okay! So, I sound insane, great. Well, what do you say…?”

“Castiel” He supplied simply.

“What do you say, Castiel? Wanna help me fight off the hordes?”

“I believe the answer is yes, though I’m unsure of the meaning of the question,” he deadpanned.

Charlie laughed again and reached a hand out for him to shake. “Happy to have you on board! Lemme grab some papers for you to fill out and we can discuss some more details.”

And with that Castiel found himself gainfully employed. Charlie had to walk him through some of the paperwork and he had to evade a couple of questions regarding his previous work experience. Apparently, it was strange for a man in his thirties to have never had a job before. Charlie seemed to think he was hilarious, laughing at his some of his more dry responses and patting his arm companionably. It was a strange experience, to be sure. But, he had completed another item on his **Being Human** checklist and for that he was thankful.   
He went home that night feeling physically exhausted. That was also a new sensation. His mortal body seemed to tire quite easily and he was frustrated with his inability to work continuously like he was accustomed. Charlie had given him strict instructions on when to be at work the next day and he was grateful that he had the clear directions. He liked following directions, it was far easier to get through his day with a definite plan in front of him.  
He fell heavily onto his bed, still fully clothed. Absently, he set an alarm on his phone so that the would be up in time to make himself presentable before work the next day. Gabriel had at least shown him a few basics on how to use his cellphone. His jaw cracked around a wide yawn and he snuggled his face against the plush pillow under his head. He was making excellent progress and he was pleased with himself. He was blending in here seamlessly, Gabriel and Anna would be proud. He was fast asleep almost immediately, thoughts of green eyes and white clouds drifting through his dreams.


	2. Be a Yes Man!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added a tag and we're getting cooking here. We got a fantasy threesome in the end of this one. ;)  
> edit: 8/6 I'm still getting used to this html formatting and it looks like I missed a whole block of text! Sorry for any confusion!

Dean woke the next morning with a languid stretch. After a satisfying crack in his elbows and one hip he settled back against his sheets. His hands scratched absently at his chest and he blinked his eyes open slowly. He stared at his ceiling for a time, waiting for his brain to wake up a little more fully. He could hear someone milling about in the kitchen and wondered if it was Sam waking up or Jess just getting home. He had moved in here a few months ago when his lease had ended on his apartment. He had been looking to buy a house but hadn’t come across anything that he’d fallen in love with yet. When Sam had offered to let him move in with them while he looked it had just made sense.

He had worried at first that things would be uncomfortable, living with his brother and his brother’s wife. But, he shouldn’t have been concerned. He slipped into the routine here with ease and it felt like being home already. Sam and Jess never made him feel like he was freeloading and he was eternally grateful for the two of them. Truthfully, they were probably just happy to have another person in the house. The two kept strange hours between them and if it weren’t for Dean they would be mostly alone here all the time.

Dean swung his legs over the side of the bed and scrubbed a hand over his face. He heard the clinking of silverware but didn’t smell any coffee in the air. _Must be Jess then,_ he reasoned. He yawned again and stood shakily. He shook his head in an attempt to clear the fog that lingered in his brain. After finally rousing his brain to half-functioning, he pushed open his door and walked lazily to the kitchen. Sure enough, Jess was seated at the island counter in front of him. A warm mug of tea clasped in her delicate hands. He could see the steam drifting slowly out of it and touching her gently on the cheek. She looked like she was about to fall asleep right into the cup and Dean smiled widely at the sight.

Since he couldn’t call out to her to let her know he was there he snapped once. That had been something he and Sam had instituted as children. If Dean needed to ever get Sam’s attention when he wasn’t looking, Dean would snap his fingers once to alert him to turn towards him. Jess had been around Dean for 8 years now and she was very familiar with all of Dean’s mannerisms. Hell, she had even learned sign language a year into her relationship with Sam so that she could speak with him. 

The memory of the first time she had signed ‘good morning’ to him warmed his heart for a moment. At the sound of the snap, Jess perked up and turned her head towards him. “Morning” he signed to her.

She curled a lip at him and mumbled something unintelligible. Dean’s smile widened at her reaction. She had been working overnights for the last month and she had not been taking it well. She was an ER physician and the hospital she worked at traded their physicians schedules every 3 months. Jess still had 2 more months of nights before she could move back to days. Dean thought it was hilarious, Jess was normally so refined with so much poise but these overnight shifts had brought out a more human side to her. She was grouchy and made snide comments when she came home in the mornings, much to Dean’s glee. She was fine in the afternoons after she’d slept and was back to her normal gentle self, but Dean liked seeing her in the morning.

Jess blew sleepily against her cup of tea before taking a tentative sip and sighing as the liquid settled down her throat. He’d have to go out for coffee this morning. Jess claimed the smell of the caffeine in the air was enough to give her the jitters and keep her awake so she had forbidden it in the house a week ago. He and Sam had started picking it up on their way into work instead of incurring her wrath.

Dean didn’t mind, it gave him an excuse to stop in and harass Charlie before work. He hummed a little to himself as he grabbed some food from the fridge to cook. Jess shot him a dirty look as she caught the opening of _”Smoke on the Water”_ from him. It was a rough sound, less of a hum and more of a flat exhalation of breath. It was accompanied by the tapping of his fingers against the counter to the tune. She was familiar enough with him now that she knew what he was getting at.

Dean knew that when Jess and Sam had first gotten together she had had a lot of questions regarding his muteness. Sam had done his best to explain to her that it was a combination of smoke inhalation and head trauma. The fact that he was able to make sounds at all was a miracle. Which led his doctors to believe that his vocal chords weren’t completely destroyed, but that they were scarred enough that he couldn’t form intelligible sounds. He’d worked with a vocal coach when he was younger and had managed to produce a certain series of huffs and whines after 6 months of working with him, but that was the extent of it.

Dean scratched at the side of his throat, where the tail end of a burn scar peeked out over the edge of his shirt collar. He could still feel the flames from time to time, licking up at him, surrounding him. He knew that it was all imagined but the heat always felt staggeringly real. Sometimes it felt like he was still there, in that house in Lawrence, screaming for his mother to answer him. He gave himself a small shake before he got going down that track this morning. The sound of bacon popping below him drew his attention and he flipped the pieces over with a spatula. 

He saw Jess out of the corner of his eye stand up and bring her mug to the sink. She rinsed the ceramic out and placed it inside the dishwasher a little clumsily. She patted Dean on the shoulder silently and made her way towards her and Sam’s bedroom. Dean watched her go, scrubs hanging loosely on her petite frame before she disappeared around a corner.

Dean turned back to his bacon with a scrunched nose. He’d found out many years ago that he didn’t function in the mornings without a cup of coffee and something to eat for breakfast. After moving in with Sam and Jess he had had to make a few alterations to his morning meals. They were small changes but he’d thrown a fit the entire time they’d discussed it until Sam came out of the argument triumphant. And so here Dean stood, cooking turkey bacon like some kind of crunchy granola yogi. Dean missed his pork bacon, but Sam could sniff that shit out from across town and refused to let Dean eat it at home. He claimed he was helping him watch his cholesterol but Dean was certain it was just to be contrary.

Dean finished cooking, ate and took a quick shower before checking the time on his phone. **07:15AM** he still had time to run to the coffee shop, talk to Charlie and make it to the garage with a few minutes to spare. He changed quickly. It was going to be a scorcher today so he dressed as lightly as possible in a thin white t and a ratty plaid overshirt. He would more than likely lose the overshirt in a couple hours but he liked having something over his arms when he was out and about in public.

He waved a goodbye to Sam just as the taller man was exiting his bedroom, he looked a complete mess this morning with his long hair sticking out in every direction. Dean smiled to himself, reminded of a much younger Sam looking much the same every morning before school. 

Dean patted his hand gently over the Impala as he made his way to the driveway. He greeted her in his head like he did every morning before climbing inside and starting her up. The rumble of her engine returned his greeting and he relaxed into the leather of her seats. The loud notes of a Foreigner song warbled out of the car’s tape deck and Dean smiled to himself. It was going to be an excellent day. 

**xxx**

Cas quickly accepted a wad of ones from an impatient looking man in a suit, who proceeded to storm out without his change. He frantically tried to ring the sale into the register before greeting the next customer in line who had already begun ordering the minute the man in the suit had turned around. He had been singularly unprepared for this experience. He stuffed the bills into the register and asked the customer in front of him to repeat their order. The middle aged woman did not look amused at having to repeat herself and she snapped at him for being incompetent before barking her order again. Cas had a brief thought that perhaps Hell was running things a little archaically. Customer service was clearly a Hell of it’s own. Maybe he should suggest making the souls of the damned work a cash register with impatient people piled in lines in front of them. That might even earn him a promotion, he mused. He was snapped back to attention, literally, as the woman in front of him snapped her fingers in his face to get his attention. 

“Are you even listening to me?” She hissed at him. 

“Of course, ma’am!” Cas assured her before turning to Charlie and relaying the woman’s order. If Charlie wasn’t working so near to him he could probably get away with some threats or even putting bleach into the woman’s drink. The thought of the woman choking down coffee laced with poison soothed his nerves somewhat. There was a particular gurgling sound that was accompanied with his fantasy and angry red blisters around the woman’s mouth. He felt the tension in his shoulders ease for a moment. Customer service could be improved for the worker if only they were allowed to torture the customers just a little, tiny bit. 

It was just after 7 a.m. and the line was finally beginning to thin. The place had been a madhouse, just as Charlie had stated, starting at 5 that morning. Cas had been shocked awake by his alarm but had been excited to begin working that morning and flew through getting ready. He ate something called a Pop-Tart for breakfast. He had found them in the supermarket with Gabriel and had been assured that they were easy to prepare and were delicious. He had chewed the dry pastry with a curled lip. They were neither poppy nor tarty and Cas was severely underwhelmed with the whole affair. They had, however, filled him up and satisfied his body’s cravings for food so he supposed it wasn’t a total loss. 

He had rushed down to the coffee shop and Charlie had laughed at him when he arrived. He was wearing the same clothes from the day before, he didn’t own anything else yet, and she was delighted with his get-up apparently. She had told him that his formal attire was going to class the joint up too much, but he hadn’t been sure what that meant. 

She had given him a quick run-down of how to run the register and then a brief explanation of what was on the menu. She had then given him a “pep-talk” because he was about to be thrown to the wolves and warned him that the customers that morning would be worse than “a group of Ferengi negotiating with the Federation”. Cas was at a complete loss and wasn’t even sure she had been speaking English but he had nodded solemnly at her words. She’d laughed at his expression and patted him on the arm like she had taken to doing. 

Castiel wasn’t sure who the Ferengi were but if they were anything like these customers, he hated them and silently put a curse on every one of them. Cas had worked up quite a sweat while running back and forth between the register and helping Charlie make the different coffees. Charlie had insisted that he remove his trench while he worked because it was “way too John Constantine meets neighborhood flasher” but she had agreed to let him wear his suit coat. Now, he wished he had listened to her advice and removed it before putting his apron on. He liked the heat but sweating was an incredibly unpleasant experience. 

Cas was focused on trying to sort out the mess that was the register before him when Charlie’s voice rang out in his ears. 

“Oi! Winchester!” 

Cas looked up at her words and was startled to see Dean standing in front of him. The man had a small lift to the corner of his lips and he nodded politely to Cas. Cas blinked rapidly, still surprised by this turn of events. 

“Hello, Dean.” He said simply. 

Charlie had just come around the other side of Cas and looked surprised for a moment. “Do you two know one another?” 

Dean did a complicated series of movements with his hands and Charlie nodded at him while she watched. Castiel was fascinated with the movements. Dean’s hands were rough and calloused and there seemed to be a bit of grime under one of his nails and yet they were incredibly elegant as they moved through the motions that made no sense to Cas but perfect sense to Charlie. 

She giggled next to him. “He showed up yesterday asking for “one job, please”” She said in response to something Dean must have asked. Her voice had dropped towards the end of the sentence and she changed her stance. Her brow furrowed and she looked suddenly very serious. Cas assumed she must be imitating him. He pursed him lips and looked at her petulantly. 

Dean opened his mouth and a strange huffing sound escaped him. Cas tilted his head and squinted in confusion. _He must be laughing,_ he thought. The sound was strange, more an exhalation of breaths than anything else. But the mirth in his eyes was evident and that tightening was back in his chest briefly. 

Cas continued to watch the exchange between Dean and Charlie with curiosity. Dean would complete a series of motions with his hands and Charlie would respond either verbally or with her hands herself. She wasn’t as quick as Dean but it was obvious that she knew what she was doing. Cas was distracted when another customer came up to the counter and took their order and prepared their coffee himself. When he came back Dean was waving goodbye to Charlie and he nodded politely again to Cas. 

“You’re familiar with the non-verbal communication of signing?” He asked her after Dean had left. 

Charlie bit her lips together and closed her eyes briefly, trying to hold back laughter. “Yes, I am familiar with this form of communication,” she responded tightly. 

“Does Dean come into this establishment often?” 

She couldn’t keep up her facade of seriousness any longer and let out a chirp of laughter. “Yeah, Dean’s been a friend of mine for years. He comes in for coffee some mornings but I always see him on the weekends when we hang out.” 

“Is it difficult to learn his manner of speaking?” He asked after a thoughtful pause. 

Charlie looked surprised at his question. “Well, no, not really. It takes practice, but anyone can learn it.” She looked at him suspiciously for a couple seconds. “...why do you ask?” 

Cas shrugged his shoulders in what he had learned meant nonchalance. “I’ve never met anyone who speaks in that way before and I was curious about it. And if he frequents this coffee house then it might be polite of me to be able to “speak” with him as it were.” He lifted his fingers and did air quotes around the word speak. This was another gesture he had recently learned and he was excited to put it into practice. 

Charlie squinted her eyes at him briefly before a slow smile spread across her face. “You like him.” She stated simply. 

Cas thought about this for a moment. He was very much interested in getting to know Dean and if signing was the way to do it then so be it. He needed some means to speak with him in order to corrupt him, after all. He eyed Charlie for a moment, weighing his options. She seemed delighted by the prospect of Cas “liking” Dean. Cas certainly liked the idea of tainting Dean’s soul so perhaps he DID like Dean, in a roundabout way. 

“Yes,” Cas stated, meeting Charlie’s eyes. 

She squealed loudly at his omission and clapped her hands together merrily. “Oh, that’s fantastic. You know, I wasn’t sure about you, normally I can tell right away, but I always hate to assume!” 

Cas was at a loss but he nodded to her in agreement. This small woman was completely baffling to him. Her wit reminded him of Gabriel but her easy company was very much like Samandriel’s. It was as if his two favorite brothers had been condensed and placed inside the body of this thin redheaded woman. The image of Gabriel with pert breasts came unbidden to his mind and he scrunched his nose in distaste. 

“I can give you a few basics while we work today, but I would suggest going to the library and getting some books on ASL.” She had continued speaking after collecting her thoughts. 

At Cas’s look of confusion she explained that ASL stood for American Sign Language. Cas nodded in understanding. They spent the rest of his shift taking care of the customers that straggled in and cleaning up from the nightmare of the morning. 

In between tasks she would show Cas a simple sign and have him repeat it back to her. He found it was much more difficult than Dean made it look and he often caught himself with his tongue between his teeth in concentration. Charlie didn’t want to overwhelm him with too much information and insisted it was more important to get the few signs he was learning correct rather than learn a bunch and to do them wrong. 

He had resolved pretty early on to take a trip to the library after work and to look into books on ASL. His confidence in picking it up quickly waned after a few minutes of working with Charlie and he knew he’d need more practice than the few passing minutes he had available here. He left work promptly at 12:30 and assured Charlie that he would in fact be back the next day, Thursday, for his next shift. 

**xxx**

To say that Dean had been surprised to see Castiel at the coffee shop would be an understatement. He almost didn’t recognize him at first, the red apron he was wearing threw Dean off. But, sure enough, under the apron had been the suit that he had been wearing yesterday. _Is this guy even real,_ Dean thought to himself. Charlie hollered at him as he entered and he waved to her and nodded to Castiel who happened to look up. 

Castiel greeted him with a solemn, “Hello, Dean.” And the sound of his voice traveled up Dean’s spine and raised the hairs on the back of his neck. That voice could be a problem for him if he kept seeing this guy unexpectedly. 

Charlie popped up then and asked if they knew one another. Dean took a second to sign to her quickly.  “He came into the garage yesterday with car troubles. I thought the guy had beamed off of the Enterprise and would be phoning home soon. You didn’t mention any new employees.”

Charlie laughed and explained that he’d been hired yesterday. She did a damn passable imitation of the guy too and Dean felt laughter bubble up in him. The breaths left him against his control and he held a hand over his stomach to indicate his mirth. Charlie lost her battle of trying to maintain her solemn face and she giggled loudly. Cas looked at her with a grumpy face and Dean laughed all the harder for it. 

Charlie signed to Dean so that Castiel wouldn’t overhear her, “He’s a little strange, but he seems like a really genuine guy. Sort of like a baby in a trenchcoat!”

Dean nodded to her emphatically. “You should have seen him yesterday. Walked into the garage completely barefoot and holding his shoes like it was the most natural thing in the world!”

Charlie laughed at that. “After only a day with him I can completely see that happening.” They continued to talk about nothing and giggle like children until it was time for him to head towards the garage. 

“ We still on for Friday?” Dean asked her quickly. 

She nodded enthusiastically, “Of course we are. I’ve been looking forward to it since the shitshow that was Monday morning.” It was a well-known fact that Monday mornings in a coffee shop were the things that nightmares had nightmares about. 

Dean smiled broadly at her and waved goodbye. He spared a moment to nod goodbye to Castiel as well and he could feel the guy’s eyes on his back the entire time he walked back out of the store. He felt a slight blush tinge his cheeks at the thought of Castiel watching him with those piercing blue eyes. He took a sip of his coffee to distract himself and in his haste burnt his tongue. Maybe the day wouldn’t be so excellent after all. 

**xxx**

Cas sat on his bed with a number of books spread out on the covers before him. He had just finished his second shift at the coffee shop, which was a much greater success than the one before it and he was feeling rather pleased with himself. He had stopped at the library yesterday afternoon and had perused their selection of books on ASL before selecting 4, the maximum amount he was allowed to check out at once. 

After getting them home, he realized with a frown that only one of the books was going to be of any use to him at the moment. To his dismay, it was a beginner’s book, written for children to teach the alphabet and some common words. The other 3 weren’t going to be much help. The first was too advanced, the second a history of sign language and it’s usage across the continents and finally the third was a medical compendium that listed the reasons for needing to USE sign language. 

Grumpily, Cas flipped through the children’s book. At least the pictures in here were large and easy to follow. He had the book set against the bed in front of him and was practicing the alphabet slowly. He was determined to sign “hello” and Dean’s name to him the next time he saw him. He paid particular attention to the letters, D-E-A-N when he came to them. 

As a demon, Cas had knowledge of all the spoken languages on Earth, and even some that were no longer spoken. So, it was incredibly frustrating to try and learn one the hard way. He wondered briefly if there were any demons who specialized in sign language. There had to be deaf and mute souls that ended up in the pit but he’d never considered how they spoke and listened before now. Perhaps those senses were returned to them upon entering Hell. He supposed that would only make the realization of what was happening to them all the more bitter in the end. 

Once he felt like he was going cross-eyed from staring so intently at the book before him he forced himself to close it and rest his eyes for a time. It wouldn’t do him any good if he made himself blind before he could finally “speak” with Dean. The idea of a blind Castiel trying to speak to a mute Dean was humorous to him and he quirked his lips upwards at the thought. 

Tomorrow was Friday and he had the day off from work. He wondered to himself what he was going to do with his time. Perhaps he could ensnare some poor fool while he was waiting to speak to Dean. That way, he was making the best use of his time. His superiors would be pleased. 

It was late now, almost time for his mortal body to go to bed. He looked briefly around his spartan apartment. Gabriel had provided very little for him, insisting that half the fun was decorating the place himself. He wasn’t so sure about that but had let the matter drop pretty quickly. 

He ran a hand through his hair and was just getting up to use the bathroom when a loud ‘ping’ drew his attention to the floor beside him. His mattress was laying against the floor, sans boxsprings and so he hadn’t bothered finding a bedside table yet. He peered over the edge curiously, his phone had just gone off apparently. He picked it up from the floor cautiously. It hadn’t made a sound like that in the week and a half he’d been up here and he was wary as to what it would mean. 

The screen was bright and there was a tiny little message box lit up on the front. The screen darkened before he could read it however and he quickly opened the phone proper. Gabriel had tossed the device to him before he’d left with some brief instructions on how to use it. Cas hadn’t much occasion to use it and was still a little unsure of it’s many functions. 

****Ch: Hey Castiel! It’s Charlie, I grabbed your # off of your employment documents. Look, I’m going out tomorrow with Dean and a couple other peeps. Do you want in? I promise it’ll be low-key and you’ll even get to see that blonde mechanic you’ve been talking about non-stop!** **

Cas huffed darkly. He hadn’t been talking about him NON-STOP, he might have just mentioned him once or twice. He thought back to his shifts at the coffee shop briefly, maybe it had been three times, but definitely no more than that! He pulled up the keyboard to respond. 

****Cas: Hello Charles. I hardly think it’s fair to say that I’ve discussed Dean non-stop, I was merely curious and with you being a close acquaintance of his it only made sense to question you. Where is it that I will be joining you?** **

Castiel watched his phone, waiting for an answer. He was terrible at typing and it had taken him a long time to compose that last message. He waited for Charlie to answer, thumbs poised over the keys in front of him. She was obviously much fast because a reply came back almost immediately. 

****Ch: Charles?! Castiel, honey, you’re killing me here. I’m guessing you did that since it’s the proper form of Charlie? You’re unreal, honestly. Anywhoozle, was planning to go to the Roadhouse. It’s the bar and restaurant off of the highway down south. I can come and get you if you’re interested. Pick you up at 6?** **

Castiel thought for a moment, weighing his options. It would probably be wise to maximize his time around Dean if he hoped to contract his soul… Plus, he had been told that bars were easy places to corrupt, people there were usually half gone anyway. 

****Cas: That would be acceptable.** **

****Ch: Great! See you then! ;)** **

Castiel put his phone back down beside him. His thoughts were turning over themselves in their haste to be brought to the forefront of his mind. He needed to make sure to practice his alphabet a few more times before tomorrow, that his suit was cleaned, that he had a few replies for conversation topics, and to review the “tavern” section in the Book. He stood quickly and made his way into his kitchen. On the counter was a piece of lined paper that had been quickly torn out of a notebook, the top still covered in torn paper nubs. A black pen lay next to it and Castiel grabbed the pen and tapped it against his lower lip in thought.  
After a moment of silent reflection he extended his hand and drew a line through a hastily written sentence on the paper. He pursed his lips as he thought about it another moment before nodding to himself resolutely. He set the pen back down and headed back to his room for bed. The paper on the counter shifted slightly, caught by the breeze of Castiel walking away. The top of the page was labeled **“Being Human”** and the sentence that had been marked through read ~~“be a yes man!”~~

**xxx**

Dean waved a cheerful goodbye to Bobby as he was walking towards the door of the garage. It was Friday and he was looking forward to the weekly get together at the Roadhouse. It had been a hard week to say the least. The Firebird had turned into a giant headache and he’d gotten so frustrated with it earlier that he’d gotten sloppy and cracked his knuckles against the hood, scraping off a good amount of skin. He had bandaged it hastily but the wounds still smarted and probably would for a long time. 

He ambled his way towards the Impala where she was parked around the corner and smiled at the sight of her gleaming in the late afternoon sun. It was just after 4 and he’d have plenty of time to go home and get cleaned up before he headed to the bar. He had been dreaming of Ellen’s burgers all day and just the image in his mind’s eye of the gooey cheese that always dripped off of the them had him salivating. 

The car was hot when he finally climbed in and he placed his seatbelt on as delicately as he could. He’d been burned too many times by the damn buckle that he made it a point to always touch it gingerly. He rolled the windows down and turned his speakers up. It was a Metallica type of day and the intro to “Master of Puppets” played out at him loudly. He nodded his head along to the song absently as he made the short drive to Sam’s house. 

When he pulled up to the house it looked like Sam was still at work. That wasn’t anything new, Sam usually came a little late to their get togethers on Fridays. The law firm he worked at always seemed to need extra help on Friday afternoons and Sam was always to nice to say no. Jess’s car was out front, but she was probably still asleep. She had the next 3 nights off and so was more than likely catching up on her beauty rest while she could. 

Dean hopped out of the car and made his way quickly inside and out of the heat. He had always considered himself more of a winter guy. He was just so damn hot all the time anyway and he found the heat in the air suffocating when it got above 65 degrees. 

The house was silent when he walked in, he must have guessed right and Jess was still sleeping. He meandered towards his room and took his time getting some clothes around for that night. He wasn’t looking for anything other than to hang out with his friends, but it never hurt to look nice. He’d managed to snag more than one night time partner from the Roadhouse during his tenure there. It was something Sam teased him for relentlessly. But, they couldn’t all meet their soulmates at 18 like he had. 

Dean stepped into the bathroom connected to his room. That had been a huge selling point for him when Sam had asked him to move in initially. Since living on his own he had come to love the privacy of having his own bathroom and this place was no different. The tile was cool under his feet and he relished in the feeling of it against his toes. He turned the water on and gave it a minute to heat. He took lukewarm showers more often than not, enjoying how the water seemed to cool the heat in his veins. 

He stripped while he waited and caught a brief glimpse of himself in the mirror above his sink. He paused and looked himself over critically. Green eyes reflected back at him and he cocked an eyebrow at himself. He’d always considered himself to be fairly attractive, at least he’d always been told that by the women he’d brought home. Though, he had very rarely taken his shirt off around them. It wasn’t that he was ashamed or embarrassed about the scarring on his torso, but it was easier to not have to answer questions. Especially when very few of them could understand sign language. 

His eyes traveled to the gnarled skin at the base of his throat. He had been lucky, really, that none of the scarring had made it to his face. He was just vain enough to be thankful for that. The top of the burn started on his right collarbone and made it down the top of that arm and across his ribs. He’d lost the nipple on that side to the mass of scar tissue there and his eyes followed the twisting pattern and warped edges of the burns as they made it down his right hip and to the top of his right thigh. 

He had been so self conscious for so long about the way that he looked. But, in recent years he’d come to accept that this was just what he looked like, not who he was. He ran a hand lightly across his chest, feeling the way the texture of his skin changed from normal and freckled to taut and scarred. He had always been assured it was just his imagination but the whorls and bumps of the scarring had always felt hotter to him. Almost as if the skin had trapped some of the heat from the fire he’d been in and would never let him forget it. 

He blinked quickly to draw himself from his mental reverie. Now was not the time for a trip down nightmare lane. He hustled himself into the shower and let out a silent sigh as the water beat down against his shoulders. The water pressure here was incredible and he closed his eyes, letting the water beat the stress from his body. 

He let his thoughts drift for a time, working out a shopping list, considered going to a movie tomorrow, just aimless things that were neither here nor there. He washed his hair slowly, letting his shampoo drift down the sides of his face in large bubbles. He felt himself relax and with it came a slight twitching of his dick. He smiled to himself, eyes still closed. He had skipped his morning jerk-off today, and for a couple days now, not having enough time before work, it seemed his body hadn’t forgotten though. He rinsed his hair and made sure there was no lingering soap on his face before he let his thoughts get too distracted. 

He grabbed a washcloth from where he’d laid it across the shower rod. He took his time putting soap on it and working up a lather. He started with his neck, rubbing it against the stiff muscles there and on his shoulders. Next, he used it carefully across his torso. The ruined skin on his body always felt so hypersensitive that he couldn’t rub very hard. He washed himself thoroughly, taking care to run gentle hands and the soapy washcloth down his sack and behind him across his perineum. 

As he was washing, he took a moment to mull through his favorite fantasies and finally settled on the centerfold of his favorite copy of Busty Asian Beauties. She’d been cute for sure, but those tits had been sinfully perfect and he focused on those now. 

He pulled gently against his quickly hardening member, cupping the shaft loosely. It had been a couple of days since he’d done this and he hadn’t realized how badly he’d needed it. He took the palm of his other hand and rubbed it in a wide circle across the head of his cock and felt his eyes flutter closed. This wouldn’t take as long as he’d thought, there was already a pooling of heat in his belly and he welcomed the sensation. The hand on his shaft tightened and picked up it’s pace. A couple more strokes and he fell into a familiar pattern. His fist would tighten on every upstroke and loosen slightly on the downstroke and his shoulders gave a small shiver at the sensation. 

He leaned his head back and thought again of those perfect tits, maybe bouncing up and down now. This would normally be the time in his masturbation session that he’d reach a soapy finger behind him to rub at the tight muscles surrounding his hole but he held off this time. Instead, he used the hand that had been rubbing against the head of his cock and let it ghost down over his sack. He fondled it gently, in direct contrast to the iron grip and quick movements against his shaft. He leaned his head against the tiles of his shower, letting the fantasy behind his eyes come to life. Maybe those perfect tits were bouncing up and down because the woman they belonged to was sitting across his lap and riding him. She would be a pro too, not letting him do any of the work. Maybe she would have also brought a friend? Another of the busty asian Beauties, perhaps? Or… no, maybe a large hunky Cowboy. Because in Dean’s fantasy world, busty asian Beauties were friends with large hunky Cowboys. He’d have on chaps, nothing underneath, and his boots, with spurs, and a rope coiled against his hip. And a big white cowboy hat… 

Dean felt the muscles in his ass tighten as his hips thrust forward of their own volition. In his fantasy, Dean was already prepped and needed no foreplay. The cowboy with his large and throbbing member would simply step between Dean’s legs, the busty asian beauty would shift forwards a little to accommodate him, and stuff his dick right up Dean’s ass in one long push. Dean was done after that and a small sigh escaped his lips as he felt the muscles in his abdomen tighten. Two more pulls and the air left his lungs in a “whoosh”. Great white strips were now being painted against the walls of his shower and he lazily stroked his dick as he came. It was faster than normal, which he was thankful for, he had things to do today after all. 

His eyes fluttered open and he watched his hand stroking his quickly softening cock. His brain was in a haze and he felt all the muscles in his body relax. That was good. Just what he needed. He gave himself another minute to calm down and get his head back on the right way. He felt better, and ready to start the evening now. A small smile graced his features as he got to work cleaning his legs with the soapy washcloth, that had thankfully missed the party. He made sure the tiles of the shower were clean before stepping out of the shower and onto the chilled floor of his bathroom. 

He toweled off quickly, enjoying the feeling of the cool bathroom air against the flushed heat of his body. He rolled his neck in a couple of slow circles and stretched his arms above his head. His spine gave a satisfying sort of crack and he shook his shoulders out a couple times to loosen the muscles. He chanced a glance at himself in the mirror. It was fogged slightly but he could still see the slight flush in his cheeks and the glisten of water on his chest. _Not bad there, Big D. Let’s go kick today’s ass._ He gave himself a wink before exiting the bathroom and getting dressed for the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Dean calling himself Big D in his head, lololol. Let me know what you think!


	3. Hello, Dean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're getting some more interaction here with our boys, lemme know your thoughts!

A car horn blared from outside his apartment and Cas tightened the tie around his neck a little too tightly in his haste to finish getting ready. He coughed and spluttered slightly until he loosed the knot and looked down at himself critically. Charlie was outside and was obviously getting impatient with him. He had taken a little longer getting ready than he had intended and was now running behind. How was he supposed to know that shaving was so dangerous? He had managed to nick himself a couple of times while trying to clean up his stubble and had then panicked when he saw blood pouring down his neck. He was convinced he’d just killed his mortal body and had run around his apartment frantically trying to find his phone to call Gabriel. Gabriel had only laughed at him when he’d answered and told him to put some toilet paper over the cuts to stem the blood flow. Castiel had ended the call abruptly when he had found out he wasn’t in imminent danger of death. He could only listen to Gabriel laugh uproariously at his expense for so long, after all.

He still hadn’t managed to get any new clothes but he had made sure that his suit was cleaned and that he had showered for the occasion. He looked himself over once more in the mirror before hurrying outside into the warm summer evening.

Charlie was just about to hit the horn of her obnoxiously yellow car again when she spotted Castiel hurrying towards her. She looked at him expectantly when he pulled open the passenger door of her car and got inside. When he didn’t make any move to speak or acknowledge her she prompted with him a sharp, “Well?”

Castiel looked towards her quickly, confusion written on his face, as if he had forgotten she was there. “What?”

Charlie took in his appearance while he was turned to her and did her level best to keep her laughter to herself. She lost the battle after a few tight seconds and a strangled sound came from the back of her throat. She closed her eyes and placed a hand over her mouth in an attempt to collect herself.

“What happened to you?” She asked in an imitation of a calm voice.

Castiel’s brow furrowed. “Since we last saw one another? I did some reading on a few books that I…”

He was interrupted by Charlie waving her hand at him to stop. “No, no, not since then. I meant, what happened to your face?”

Cas raised a hand to his cheek and patted himself a couple times. “What-” Cas looked at her in horror for a moment, “What’s wrong with it?”

Charlie laughed outright here at the look on his face. Cas frowned again at her while she tried to get herself under control. “You-you look like…” She wheezed for a second before continuing, “you look like you caught the bad end of a bat’leth!”

Castiel’s confusion mounted and he looked at her with wild eyes. Was this some human phrase? Had he been found out? What was she seeing, what had happened?!

“Dude, how dull was the razor you used?”

Razor? Oh. Oh! She was talking about the cuts on his face from shaving. The relief was palpable in Cas’s chest and he sighed. “I’m out of practice…” He said by way of explanation.

Charlie smiled at him warmly before shaking her head and turning to put her car into drive. Castiel had no idea how far the drive was going to be or even what one talked about in a situation like this so he sat in silence and tried to take his cues from Charlie. 

Charlie didn’t seem to have a problem filling in the silence with her bubbly chatter and Cas was fine with letting her go on, nodding at the appropriate times to indicate his attention. He was focused on how he was going to approach Dean tonight. He had practiced the alphabet and some common phrases again that day and was confident he could manage at least a “hello, Dean” out of it. Other than that, he wasn’t so sure. He mused for a moment about what he could tempt Dean to sell his soul over… The ability to speak again would seem an obvious choice. He would know more once he was actually able to carry on a conversation with him.

After what seemed like a short amount of time they pulled into the parking lot of a large brown building that looked a little worse for the wear. Castiel looked at Charlie as she parked, unsure if this was their final destination. 

“Here we are!” Charlie said brightly. “The Roadhouse! Best burgers this side of the Mississippi.”

Castiel scrunched his nose as he turned back to The Roadhouse. He wasn’t sold on it yet but he wasn’t here for the ambience after all. He nodded to her solemnly and exited the car, following her lead. She walked confidently in through the front doors and Castiel was assaulted with the sound of twangy guitars and stale beer. His own confidence in this endeavor was taking a turn for the worse. He waited while Charlie looked around the room before she nodded to herself and settled at a large table near the back of the building. They must be the first to arrive.

Castiel seated himself beside her and folded his hands together on the table. He didn’t know what the etiquette was in a place like this and was trying to err on the side of caution. A perky blonde sauntered her way over to the table and smiled brightly at Charlie. Her ponytail bounced as she flipped her hair to the side and put her hands on her hips.

“Who’s the suit?” She asked without preamble.

Charlie laughed and clapped Cas on the back in what he assumed was a friendly manner. He was still getting used to “friendly” touching and did his best not to recoil from her hand. Human or not it seemed strange to just touch one another all the time. “This is Castiel! He just started working for me at the coffee shop. Poor guy’s new in town and doesn’t know anybody.”

The blonde made a face and turned to him more fully. She was looking at him while she addressed Charlie, “And it was just his bad luck that he met you first, huh?”

“Hey!” Charlie squaked. “You only meet me if you’ve got good luck, sweetheart. You know that…” Here, Charlie waggled her eyebrows at the blonde and the blonde rolled her eyes. “Besides, I believe his bad luck was meeting Dean first.”

The blonde raised her eyebrows at that statement and looked at him again. “Good luck then, hon.” She said before waltzing away with a swish of her ponytail. 

Castiel turned confused eyes to Charlie who patted him on the back again, gentler this time. “That’s Jo, her mother owns this place and she works here on the weekends. She also works over at the auto shop during weekdays, the place where Dean works.” She tapped a finger against her bottom lip as she looked away thoughtfully. “She grew up with Dean and Sam, so she’s basically like a sister to them. I’ve only known her the last 4 years or so, we met through Dean.” She leaned towards Castiel at this point and lowered her voice to a whisper, “It’s a good thing too, can you imagine an ass like that existing in this world and never seeing it?”

She let out a bark of laughter at the confused look that passed over Cas’s face. She was still chuckling when Jo brought over 2 brown bottles and set them on the table. 

Jo turned a sharp eye to Charlie and left her bottle much farther from her reach than she left Castiel’s. “First one’s on the house,” she winked at Cas here, “on account of having to put up with such lousy company.”

“Joanna Beth!” Charlie howled. 

Jo gave her another sharp look and pursed her lips at the redhead. “When are the others coming in?”

Charlie shrugged and leaned across the table to grab her bottle. “Should be anytime now, you know Sam’s usually late on Fridays.”

Jo nodded thoughtfully as she looked towards the door. “Oh! Speak of the Devil.”

Castiel’s head whipped around so fast that he felt his neck pop. He raised a hand to rub at the back of his neck and frowned in the direction Jo had indicated. A tall brunette male had walked into the building with a petite blonde next to him. Cas felt his nose scrunch up, these two looked completely unremarkable, the girl maybe had a brightness to her soul that would have stood out, but certainly no one that looked like the Devil. He’d been nervous for a moment, but perhaps this was a turn of phrase he wasn’t familiar with… He looked down dejectedly at the table in front of him before Charlie elbowed him the ribs. He looked at her while holding a hand over his side, he was unwilling to admit that the jab had tickled him. Demons weren’t ticklish, absolutely not. Charlie nodded her head towards the door again with a large grin plastered on her face. 

He looked back towards the entrance as the couple who had just entered stepped aside and a broad shouldered blonde made his way inside. _Dean._ A swooping feeling in his stomach startled him and he blinked a few times to gather himself. The three by the door noticed the three at the table and the tall brunette smiled broadly in a cheerful way and waved at them.

Charlie waved back, which Castiel thought was ridiculous because they were walking over here and would be greeted verbally soon enough. Charlie stood up as they approached and so Castiel stood as well. She bounded forward and pulled each of the newcomers into a tight hug, though she seemed to strain herself hugging the tall male and Dean tickled her ribs as she lifted her arms to hug him. This earned him a punch in the shoulder from her before she huffed and retook her seat. 

Castiel wasn’t sure what was appropriate in this situation. The hugging seemed to be a little intimate and so he waited awkwardly for the new group to greet him as well. The tall male smiled warmly and put a hand forward towards him. Castiel raised his in imitation and was rewarded with a firm handshake. He liked this gesture, this felt strong and formal. 

“I’m Sam,” the man said while he gave Castiel’s hand a squeeze. He stepped back and pulled the small blonde forward and Castiel eagerly put his hand out to shake her hand as well. She smiled at him just as warmly as Sam had, “this is my wife Jess.” Sam offered her name like it was a fine wine he enjoyed frequently.

“My name is Castiel, it is nice to meet the both of you.” Castiel spoke and felt nervous about the timbre of his voice. He hoped it wasn’t too high, or too low even, or perhaps intimidating, he didn’t want to frighten them. It was important to get into the good grace’s of these people. The woman, Jess, would be a nice addition to his collection. Sam… well, his was a little more dull, a string of darkness lacing it’s way through the light of his own soul. But, the light itself was warm and friendly and he would probably be easy to win over. Cas stifled a curl of pleasure at the thought of quickly he could corrupt these people. 

Sam and Jess stepped to the side and each pulled Jo into a hug. Castiel was left looking at Dean as he shuffled from foot to foot in front of Cas. Cas was over-eager and stuck his hand forward quickly, nearly slapping Dean in the stomach in his haste. Dean gave him a crooked smile and shook his hand once. Cas took a second to ground himself and without thinking about it, stuck his tongue between his teeth before looking down at his hands. He wanted to do this correctly so he took his time to sign to Dean slowly. He first did a funny little salute to start and then pointed his index finger up, followed by touching all his fingers together across his thumb, next a loose fist with his thumb outside and finally sticking his thumb between his first two fingers in his fist.

“Hello, Dean.” He signed. He looked eagerly at Dean to see if he’d made himself understood.

Dean looked startled and a little taken aback but his crooked smile evened out and his eyes crinkled at the edges when he looked over at Cas. Dean copied the salute towards him before signing to Cas just as slowly as Cas had to him. He cupped his hand in the shape of a “C”, then a loose fist with his thumb on the side, and finally a tighter fist with his thumb in front of his fingers.

“Hello, Cas.”

Cas flushed slightly, pleased that he had understood what Dean was saying and grinned broadly at him. Dean gave him a small smile back before moving over to hug Jo. Cas turned back around to take his seat and Charlie gave him a not very subtle double thumbs up from her own seat. Cas felt his flush return and grabbed his beer bottle to try and distract himself from the heat in his cheeks.

He had done a good job and he was pleased with himself about it. He hadn’t felt prideful like this in a long time and he was savoring the feel of it. The rest of their group, aside from Jo who was working, crowded around the small round table and Castiel noticed that the noise level increased significantly. It was very obvious that these people had known one another for a very long time, and he felt very much the outsider around their inside jokes and constant teasing. 

He learned that Sam was an attorney and that Jess was a doctor and they had been married for a number of years. Sam was Dean’s brother and Dean had recently moved in with them while he looked to purchase his own home. Dean and Charlie had met while they were in high school and were both trying to “hook up” with the head cheerleader. Charlie had apparently come out on top of that little dispute and Dean had shot her a dirty look while she had crowed triumphantly about the exploit.

Castiel held his peace for the most part, content to observe their interactions and learn about them. He was fascinated by their interactions and was pleased for this opportunity to watch human behavior so closely without someone calling the police. Gabriel had warned him about that before he had left and had assured Cas that staring people down and watching them with his “creeper eyes” would get him arrested. 

Cas observed Dean the most, even though the man didn’t speak. He would occasionally tap the table or someone’s shoulder to get their attention and sign something quickly that had the whole table rolling with laughter afterwards. Charlie translated as best she could when she thought about it, but it was very apparent that this was normal for them and she forgot more often than not. It frustrated Castiel but he didn’t want to insist, it seemed rude somehow. He might be a demon, but at least he had manners. So, Castiel listened and watched and did his best to learn what he could about human interactions and about Dean in particular. 

xxx

Dean had been surprised to see Castiel at The Roadhouse but he wasn’t sure why. He should have known Charlie would try to play matchmaker again. Castiel might be a little strange, but there was no denying that he was cute. And Charlie LOVED trying to make “love connections” for him. The last few people she had set him up with had been disastrous and so he’d made her promise not to try anymore blind dates. She had sworn on Dumbledore’s grave and yet, here she was, bringing poor Cas along like some lost puppy. 

Dean had watched with barely concealed humor as Castiel looked completely confused at the idea of a handshake. This guy was definitely a martian, there was no way around it. He had looked very excited at after shaking Sam’s though and had nearly shaken Jess’s arm off when it was her turn before Sam could steer her away. Dean was wary when Cas went to shake his own hand and managed to get away with a simple pump before dropping the Cas’s hand hastily. His palm felt cool to the touch and the feeling of it sent small wisps of comfort up his arm.

Dean frowned a little when Cas had stuck out his tongue and gave him a half-salute. He was completely taken by surprise however when Cas slowly and carefully signed the letters of his name to him. He was saying “Hello.” Dean felt a flipping in his stomach at the sight of it. Cas hadn’t even known what sign language was a week ago, but since he had met him, the man had gone out of his way to try and communicate with Dean. He felt slightly humbled at the man’s resolve to talk to him. 

Cas had looked at him with so much hope and eagerness that Dean had had to hold back his beaming smile. Dean was careful and slow to respond by signing hello back at him along with the letters of his name. Cas must have understood because he grinned gummily at him and his eyes crinkled in the corners. That was a new expression and Dean’s mouth went suddenly dry at seeing it. The flipping was back in his stomach and Dean gave Cas a small smile before he had to quickly excuse himself with a hug to Jo. This guy had taken him by surprise and that didn’t happen often.

Once they were all seated the conversation got going in earnest. They were always the loudest table at The Roadhouse and it’s something the other Friday regulars had come to expect. Dean listened to the conversation around him and did his huffing laugh often. He tapped at the table and on shoulders occasionally to make a joke or a snide comment and smiled to himself smugly when the table erupted into howls of laughter. He caught Cas out of the corner of his eye every now and then looking at him in confusion but he never commented on it.

After about a half an hour they were all at least a beer in when their food arrived. Dean had been looking forward to these burgers all week and he smiled happily as his was placed in front of him. He grinned widely at Jo as she continued to set down food before plopping down herself in the only empty chair between Charlie and Jess. She tucked into her food without preamble and the rest followed suit.

Dean’s attention was drawn to Cas as the man looked closely at his food. He leaned over it, nose barely inches from the bun and took a large whiff. Dean paused in his chewing to watch Castiel with more attention. Dean pursed his lips when Cas prodded gently at the burger in front of him, as if not trusting it. Cas caught Dean staring then and looked at him askance. Dean’s eyebrows had crept up his forehead expectantly and Cas hunched his shoulders into himself at Dean’s expression. He finally picked up the burger and took a slow and delicate bite. Dean almost choked on the food still in his mouth when Cas’s eyes widened comically and he looked down at the burger in his hands as if it held all the secrets of the Universe. 

Cas looked like a madman after that and almost inhaled the burger in front of him. Dean had to thump him on the back a couple times when Cas’s voracious eating caused a small piece of meat to lodge itself in his throat. The rest of the table finally took notice of Castiel as he choked. They fell into fits of laughter when he’d cleared his airway and went immediately back to eating with the same level of enthusiasm as before. He looked like a high-powered steam shovel working his way through the meal.

Cas looked almost shocked when he’d taken his last bite and there wasn’t anything left of the burger. He looked somberly at his fries and picked at them while the rest of the table finished their own food at a much more sedate pace. Dean had to close his eyes to inhale a calming breath, he’d never seen anything like that in his life. _Definitely a martian._

The conversation at the table slowed while they ate, all of them were absorbed in how delicious their burgers were, but once they had finished the volume ramped back up. Dean was trying to discreetly watch Cas out of the corner of his eye but he was distracted when Sam waved his hand in front of Dean’s face to get his attention.

Dean flipped him off quickly before focusing on what Sam was trying to say. “ANYWAY, as I was saying,” he shot Dean a dirty look, “we’re supposed to go to Stull Park tomorrow to cook for the firm’s fundraiser. Dean has been gracious enough to offer to grill for everyone.”

Dean rolled his eyes. He tapped the table quickly and everyone looked over at him, “I was forced under pain of death by food poisoning. They tried to put Sam in charge of it and I decided they wouldn’t make much money if everyone was vomiting out their intestines. So, I offered to grill instead of letting Sammy do it.”

Sam huffed grouchily and raised a finger as if to protest but Jess shook her head and patted his arm. “Honey, I love you, and you look adorable in oven mitts but you would have killed every person there with those rocks you call burgers.”

They all laughed and Sam grumbled something under his breath but he didn’t try to argue again. “Well, not that it matters but I think my food is perfectly serviceable. I was going to invite Castiel to come if he didn’t have any other plans. That is, before I was so rudely interrupted!” He shot a dirty look to Dean and one to Jess.

Cas looked over at him in surprise. He obviously hadn’t expected to be included in future plans and Dean found himself looking forward to tomorrow more than he had anticipated. Cas cleared his throat unnecessarily, looked sideways at Dean, and said cautiously, “What is the firm’s fundraiser?”

Sam smiled at him easily before falling into a well-rehearsed pitch that he’d obviously recited many times before, “I’m glad you asked! My law firm has an fundraiser every summer to benefit the community. We host a barbeque in Stull Park and offer games and events for people to participate in. We get a lot of families to come and we donate all the proceeds to different charities every year. This year we’re raising money for the Ronald McDonald House and the local Fire Department.”

Cas nodded politely while he was talking and frowned a little in thought when he was finished. “What time does this… barbeque… start?” Dean noticed that he stumbled over the word a little bit and wondered why that was.

“Well, Dean and I will be there pretty early to start setting things up. But, the event officially starts at one.” Sam was looking at Cas eagerly and Dean felt sort of bad for the guy. Everyone knew it was impossible to say no to Sam when he turned on the charm. That was a trait they had in common. But while Sam was all puppy eyes and boyish good looks, Dean was sly smiles and mysterious rebel attitude.

Cas finally nodded in agreement and gave Sam a small smile. “I would be delighted to attend your… barbeque, Sam.”

Dean huffed a little laugh at Cas’s formal tone, like he was just invited to a charity dinner with $1000 plates. Sam high-fived Jess and smiled brightly at Cas. They continued with their normal banter after that and the night wore away quickly on them. By the time they were ready to go, they all had bellies full of good food and beer and were ready for bed. All except Charlie, who was a perpetual night owl. They waved her off when she tried to persuade them to go out to a more lively bar and she had pouted at them all when she was unsuccessful, calling them party-poopers. 

They all hugged one another warmly, Cas even received one from the girls, which seemed to take him by surprise because his arms stayed at his sides during the duration of them. Dean hid a smile behind his hand, playing it off as a nose scratch. He and Sam both shook hands with Cas and Sam expressed his excitement at seeing him tomorrow. Cas nodded quickly in agreement and Sam excused himself to follow Jess back to their car. Dean had ridden with them that night and so was about to turn away when Cas stopped him with a soft hand on his arm. Cas gave him a quick flap of the hand as a goodbye and signed Dean’s name at him again.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

Dean smiled at him and placed the tips of his fingers against his chin and pulled them forward, then used the same hand to make an arcing motion over his other arm.

“Goodnight, Cas.” He could tell Cas wasn’t 100% what he meant but he could guess from the motions. 

Charlie, the ever-present cockblock interrupted them then with her bouncing hair and bubbly personality. “Ready to go, lovebirds?”

Dean rolled his eyes at her and flipped her off. She laughed at his frustration and placed a hand on Castiel’s arm. “Too much of a good thing and all that, right Deanie?”

Dean looked at her aghast and sneered at her use of the hated nickname. She laughed at him again and pulled Castiel towards her car. “Come on, Cas. You’ll see him tomorrow. Let’s get you home before I force you out to a gay bar with me.”

Cas looked at her, startled, and Dean smiled at the look on his face. He offered a final parting wave and trotted his way over to Sam and Jess who were sloppily making out in the front seat of the car. Dean knocked loudly against the glass of the window and they split apart guiltily. He rolled his eyes and huffed a laugh before settling himself in the backseat. The windows were tinted and it was late so he couldn’t see where Cas and Charlie had gotten too and he wondered briefly at the fleeting disappointment in his chest. 

xxx

Castiel found that he had a hard time settling down that night. He kept replaying his interactions with the jovial group from the bar over and over in his mind. He wasn’t used to these kinds of persistent thoughts. Their easy smiles and friendly banter played on in his mind like some kind of movie with stereo sound. The parts that held Dean seemed particularly loud for some reason. He felt a warmth in his gut when the image of the man’s smug smiles came back to him. His breath had almost caught in his throat each time one of them had been directed at him. The fiery light of Dean’s soul had pulsed outwards when he was pleased with himself and it was something to behold. Castiel had reveled in the sight each time, his excitement growing at the thought of corrupting the dazzling light. 

Sleep finally settled over him a few hours after he had laid down. He was still unused to dreaming and found the sensation to be uncomfortable when he woke up and remembered vague snatches of images. The gummy feeling of his eyes after waking was new as well and he hated the feeling. He scrubbed irritatedly at the grit caught in his lashes and blinked blearily at his phone to check the time. It was almost ten already, he couldn’t believe he’d managed to sleep that late. He had had a late night though, so perhaps it wasn’t so strange. 

He lay back against his pillows and looked at the bland white ceiling above him. There was a water stain growing slowly in the corner as the week had wore on and he frowned at it. He needed to get up and start preparing for the day ahead. It was going to be an important one, he was almost guaranteed some one on one time with Dean and he needed to make the most of it. He wasn’t sure what a barbeque entailed but he trusted that he could handle himself. He had gotten directions from Charlie the night before on how to reach Stull Park and he had replayed the instructions in his head a few times to make sure he remembered. 

Charlie had talked almost ceaselessly while they drove back to his apartment. He wasn’t sure what she was getting at but she had assured him that it was some friendly “ribbing”, whatever that meant. He had nodded along while she spoke but he hadn’t really been paying attention. She gave him a high-five on his way out of the car and wished him luck on storming the castle tomorrow. Again, he had been at a loss, but he had given her a closed lip smile and exited the car.

He ran a hand over his face, trying to rouse his groggy brain. His eyelids fluttered closed again however and when he woke up he was dismayed to discover that it was after noon. He bolted upright and all but ran to his shower. He was running late! He knew for a fact that it was a human faux pas to arrive late to a scheduled event that you had committed to attending. He twisted the knobs of the shower and jumped in before checking the temperature. He then hissed painfully as cold water pelted down on his chest. He hurriedly adjusted the taps to a more comfortable degree, aka scalding, but the cold water had at least woken him up the rest of the way. 

He scrubbed himself down quickly, not sparing time to enjoy the pressure of the water like he normally would. He exited the shower after only 5 minutes and brushed his teeth just as quickly. He opted to skip shaving that day, it would take too much time. He was dressed and out of the house less than 20 minutes after waking up. He wasn’t sure how long it would take him to walk to Stull Park and he wanted to err on the side of caution. It was already 12:40 and he huffed in agitation as his feet made much slower progress across the pavement than he would have liked. 

It was already warm out and he spared a thought in appreciation of the sun on his back. It was going to be humid today as well, even better! His dress shoes made a soft clacking sound against the cement below him. He needed to get some new clothes, Charlie had commented on his wardrobe already and if he was going to be seeing other people on a more consistent basis then they would surely notice that he owned one outfit. He had made a concession today and left his suit jacket at the apartment. He would rather have had the extra layer on but it at least freshened up his look a little without it. 

He ran through the directions Charlie had given him once more in his head. He had a turn coming up here in a minute and he spared a glance at his phone to check the time. 12:53PM, the small white numbers read and he frowned at them. He was going to be late. 

His thoughts continued to run through directions and grumbles as he made his way towards the park. He did his best to keep his pace at a quick walk instead of a trot but it was a very near thing. The shrieks of children playing reached his ears before he caught sight of the park. He had to remind himself that that was a good noise, those were happy sounds, not pained ones. 

As he rounded a corner he was almost halted in his tracks. Surprise colored his features as he took in the barbeque in progress in front of him. Small booths were set up along the edges of the park, all looking as if they were selling different merchandise. Some held food, some toys, others had pamphlets and Castiel’s eyes darted from one to the other quickly. A large tent had been erected in the middle of the field and there were children running around the area screaming in delight as they ran from booth to booth. There was also a large sprinkler and pool situated off to one side and there was already a number of children and parents settled near its edge to try and avoid the heat of the day.

Castiel took in the scene before him in shock, this was not what he had anticipated, at all. He resumed walking, slowly this time, towards the action. His eyes darted around, looking for a familiar face in the crowd. A shimmer caught his eyes near the tent and he turned towards it. _Oh thank the Devil…_ he thought in relief. On the other side of the white tent, Dean’s soul shined like a beacon calling him to safe harbor. The closer he got the better he could make out the man’s features. He was dressed casually in a white t shirt and loose jeans with a red apron around his front that read, **“I HAVE THE MEAT”.**

Cas tilted his head at this slogan and scrunched his nose. Just as he was near enough to Dean to call out to him a large hand clapped him on the shoulder and spun him around. Cas was surprised to be turned so easily and was immediately on his guard. He was a half-second away from throwing a fist towards the intruder when he was met with Sam’s easy smile and sparkling eyes. 

“Cas!” He greeted him cheerfully. “I’m glad you could make it, man!”

Cas smiled back hesitantly at him. He wasn’t expecting such a warm greeting and he wasn’t sure what would be appropriate to respond. “Hello, Sam. Thank you for inviting me, this was not what I was expecting.” He thought quickly of offering a handshake but Sam was standing too near him for that to be appropriate.

Sam nodded at him good-naturedly and looked around them at the bustle of activity. “It’s pretty great, huh? We always try to outdo ourselves every year and it looks like this will be one of our biggest years yet! Have you said hi to Dean yet?” He added the last as a sly aside.

“Oh… no, not yet.” He said with a feeling of heat touching his cheeks.

Sam patted him on the shoulder a couple times and gently nudged him towards his brother. “Go say hi, I’ll grab you a beer.” And with that the tall man trotted off towards one of the booths across the lawn.

Cas found that now that he’d been given encouragement to speak to Dean, he was feeling nervous. Which was absolutely ridiculous, he was a demon for Devil’s sake. He was timeless and forever, he’d born witness to the trials of Man, learned their faults through millenia of torture and coercion, he was powerful and he was evil. He wasn’t intimidated by one mute mechanic. Regardless of how bright his soul was, or how shiny his hair looked in the sun, or even how his freckles stood out against his tanned skin. 

Castiel steeled his expression and made his way resolutely over to the man in the apron. Dean looked up as he made his approach and gave him a half-smile that twisted Castiel’s insides around pleasantly. He gave a small wave in hello that Cas returned dumbly. Dean looked back down at the grill before him and turned a couple of hotdogs that were browning too much. 

“It’s good to see you again, Dean.” Cas said quickly, unsure of what to do in this situation. Dean nodded his head at him and looked thoughtful for a moment before touching his fingers to his chin and pulling them forward, then to the corner of his eye, pointing at Cas and holding up 2 fingers on that hand. Cas assumed this was some hybrid of American Sign Language and what could be called layman’s signs. Dean was responding to him but was aware that Cas didn’t know sign language all that well. He was bridging the gap and Cas felt his eyes crinkle at the corners as he thought about it. Dean was glad to see him too. 

Sam trotted back to them then and extended a beer for Cas, who took it gratefully. Drinking was new for him but it seemed like something humans did to get to know one another better so he was adjusting to the taste as best he could. 

“Dean, you’re burning those hotdogs…” Sam said to his brother exasperatedly.

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam and pursed his lips. He set his tongs down and made a quick series of gestures before picking the tongs back up and resolutely ignoring Sam. Sam gave him a snide face before turning back to Cas. “So! What do you wanna do? There’s lots of activities, or you could just stay here and uh… enjoy the view.” Sam winked at him conspiratorially and Cas felt a frown touch his brow.

Cas wasn’t expecting to be addressed so soon and he choked a little on the beer in his mouth. He coughed quickly and wiped a hand against his mouth to try and recover his composure. He looked around at the people and games being played in the park and he nodded slowly. “Yes, it is very enjoyable. I wasn’t sure what this barbeque would entail and I am… pleasantly surprised…” Cas looked askance at Sam to judge the effect of his words.

Sam was nodding to him politely and Cas felt his posture relax slightly. He was passing fine, he could calm down a little. He caught Dean’s eye as the man looked up from his grilling and Dean winked at him with a smirk. Cas felt a flush creep over his features took another sip from his beer hurriedly to cover it.

Sam was about to speak again when a little girl no older than 7 ran up to them with a large grin, her two front teeth looked like they were newly grown in and too large for her face. She gave Sam a small wave before turning to Dean. She took a deep breath before saying in a rush, “Mr. Dean! Come play tag with us! You promised like 50 million hours ago and we want you to come now!”

Sam chuckled at her and asked Dean with a grin, “50 million hours ago, huh? That’s certainly long enough to wait, I think. I’ll take over on the grill for a little bit.”

Sam shooed Dean away while the other man pulled a face as he removed his apron. He was acting reluctant but there was a sparkle in his eye and it was obvious that he was just putting up a front for their benefit. He allowed himself to be pulled along by the little girl and was met with whoops and hollers by her friends as they swarmed around them. They huddled briefly to discuss terms of the game, before there was a shriek and they scrambled like mad to get away from Dean, who had been voted unanimously as “it”.

Dean chased after them slowly, his bandy legs obviously capable of outrunning them but he played along at their level. Cas watched him slow jog to and fro before he tapped the shoulder of a blonde boy, who was then dubbed “it”. The game continued in this way for a while, the children running back and forth and Dean either chasing or running away. He ended up being selected as the prime target more often than not and Castiel tilted his head as he watched them all. The swooping feeling was back in his stomach as he watched the man run around with the children half his size. He had a delighted smile on his face and his eyes were crinkled in the corners in delight. Cas had absolutely no experience around children. Their souls never made it to Hell and he wasn’t sure how to react around them. He did like the look of Dean running around amongst them for some reason. It was… cute. And wouldn’t Gabriel shit a kitten if he knew that Cas was thinking things like that? It was obvious Dean was having a great time and Cas felt a tightness in his chest at it. He rubbed absently at the center of his chest and looked to Sam to see his reaction. 

Sam rolled his eyes every once in awhile when Dean made a rather daring maneuver before smiling fondly at his brother. He turned the hot dogs on the grill from time to time, careful not to let them burn and Cas wondered briefly about their relationship. The closest he had to family was probably Gabriel and he couldn’t picture himself smiling fondly at any of Gabriel’s antics. Ever.

“It’s good to see him so light-hearted.” Sam said quietly, almost as if to himself. “He’s gotten so serious these last few years, as if he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.”

Cas was surprised by this comment and looked out at Dean again. He was trying to see the man as someone serious, stressed maybe. Castiel was having a hard time picturing Dean with a frown on his face. He looked so youthful and vibrant here that it was almost impossible for him to picture Dean any other way. As he was fantasizing about a gloomy Dean, the real Dean made his way back up to them. He was out of breath and his cheeks were pink, causing the freckles there to stand out against his flushed skin. There was a sparkle in his eye and the light of his soul was pulsing happily around him. Cas almost had to shield his eyes from it and covered the discomfort by looking past Dean at the game of tag that was still raging. 

The children had seemed disappointed when Dean had excused himself but typical of children they hadn’t let it get them down long. Their laughter floated over to where the 3 men were standing and Castiel was again surprised at the lightness of the sound. The noise was still a little jarring but he was finding that he liked it more often than not. 

Dean was making shooing gestures at Sam as he took his post back in front of the grill. He tied his apron back around himself and removed several of the hot dogs from the grill and transferred them to a large platter next to him. Sam ambled back to the other side next to Cas and sipped delicately at his beer.

“Where is Jessica?” Cas asked him politely.

“Oh, she’s probably still asleep. She’s been working nights at the hospital and it’s really messed with her sleep schedule. Don’t tell her I said this, but she’s been a real grouch the last couple weeks.” Sam added the last under his breath as if he might be overheard.

Cas wasn’t sure what to say to that so he merely nodded somberly.

Dean snapped his fingers at them to get their attention and flew through a complicated series of movements that Cas had no hope of following. At the end of it, Sam barked a laugh and shook his head.

Cas looked between the two in confusion before Sam translated for him, “Dean said that she’s been missing out on her beauty sleep and it’s starting to show.” He turned his head to Dean, “She better not catch you saying that, she won’t need my to help her kick your ass.”

Dean looked affronted for a moment, placing a hand over his chest and looking at Sam with wide shocked eyes. 

Sam rolled his eyes, “Dude, she could take your ass out in under a minute and you know it. Do we need to revisit what happened the Easter after you’d met?”

Dean’s faux shocked expression morphed to one of mortification and he glanced sideways at Cas. Cas’s eyes were bouncing back and forth between the two, following their conversation with interest.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.” Sam said smugly. “So, Cas…”

Sam was interrupted however by a shrill scream and two of the tag players running past them. One was a little more uncoordinated than the other and a stray foot came out to catch the leg of the small grill Dean was working on. The grill tilted precariously for a moment but the kids paid it no mind and continued on their way. Cas watched as the little grill pitched towards Dean, flames licking up from the bottom towards the surprised man. Cas was shocked to see fear register in the man’s eyes. Dean seemed to be rooted to spot, fear holding him hostage as the platter of hot dogs spilled onto the ground. 

To his right, Same reacted almost instinctively, gently knocking Dean out of the way and righting the grill with a mitt from a side table. The coals hissed as they settled in the bottom under the grate and he let out a sigh of relief when it seemed the crisis had been averted. Sam turned quickly with a placating hand already stretched out towards Dean, only to be met with empty air. Dean was a retreating figure, hurrying away from them, his back growing smaller as the crowd outside swallowed him up. His shoulders were hunched up towards his ears and his hands were fists at his sides. The apron tied tightly around his waist continued to make him visible as he left, but it seemed he wouldn’t be coming back. 

Cas watched with interest as Dean turned a corner and was lost from sight. That was a strange reaction, to be sure. He turned back towards Sam, his mouth already opening to speak, when he was halted by the look on Sam’s face. The lightness and good cheer that had sparkled from Sam’s eyes was gone now, replaced with a weariness he hadn’t expected. His hands were clenched tightly at his sides and he sighed heavily before relaxing them. 

“Sorry Cas…” Sam said heavily. “You’ll have to excuse me…” Sam placed the lid over the grill before hurrying off after his brother. The food was forgotten on the ground and the grill remained where it was, looking completely innocuous.

Cas frowned after them in confusion. That was odd… He hadn’t seen anything quite like that yet. Dean had very obviously been afraid of the fire that had crept out of the grill. But, it was such a small fire, there was no imminent danger in it. He’d seen that look many, many time over the course of his years in the pit and it was an expression he was familiar with. Though, it had never twisted his stomach into an uncomfortable knot before. He looked down in confusion and spied the mess of food on the ground. He looked around and spotted a large trash can near the edge of the tent. He scrunched his nose and went to retrieve it. He quickly disposed of the soiled food and threw his beer bottle away for good measure. There wasn’t anyone here to drink it with and thus it lost all of it’s appeal. 

He waited to see if they’d return for a while, but when it didn’t seem as if they’d make a reappearance he decided to make his way towards home, much slower than his trip to the park had been. He had briefly considered talking to some of the other guests. But, they all looked too cheerful to be tempted by anything Cas could offer them. His thoughts were jumbled as he walked away and he kept replaying the image of Dean’s eyes as he saw the flames come up towards his face. The memory of it caused an uncomfortable churning in his stomach and he frowned at himself. _What’s wrong with me…?_

xxx

Dean laid back against the pillows in his rooms and willed his heart rate to slow. He’d been home for hours and he’d yet to calm down. Sam had chased after him when he’d all but run off earlier and he had tried to talk him down. He hadn’t even been able to hear him at first. Blood has been rushing in his ears and his vision had clouded with fire and smoke whenever he tried to focus on his brother. Eventually, the pounding in his chest and the heat in his blood cooled and he was able to listen to what Sam had been saying. 

He had been sitting on the ground, and he hadn’t even remembered when that had happened. He knew that he had had a panic attack, but there wasn’t anything for it now but to try to calm his racing thoughts and slow his speeding pulse. Sam had tried speaking to him low and quiet, like you would to a frightened animal. Dean wanted to be annoyed with that but he hadn’t had the energy. 

After what felt like hours he had been able to relax enough to satisfy his brother. Sam had helped him to his feet and given him a reassuring pat on the back. They had made their way slowly back to the tent and the forgotten grill. The food had been ruined and Dean felt guilty about letting it go to waste. It seemed that someone else had picked up the mess on the ground though and Dean remembered then that Cas had been there. He had looked around sheepishly, but the dark-haired man was nowhere in sight. Damn.

Sam insisted on grilling for the rest of the day and Dean didn’t have it in him to argue about it. He stood off to the side with a new beer in his hand and listened to Sam chatter happily about meaningless topics. Dean appreciated what he was doing, even if he was having a hard time focusing on it. 

Dean scrubbed his hands over his face in agitation at the memory. He was a grown ass man, this was not how grown ass men behaved. He was fine, great even, before. He had even managed a little bit of flirting with Cas. And then those damn kids had knocked that damn grill over. The flames were so small, barely even enough to cook those hot dogs. But, as they had lept out of the grate his entire body had seized and he’d been unable to move. All at once, he was 4 years old again with a wall of flame in front of him. Acrid black smoke had burnt his lungs and the heat of it burned his skin…

Dean shook his head to try and clear it. Now was not the time for that, he needed to get to sleep. If he continued to dwell on those memories he’d be up all night, likely with another panic attack. He took a deep breath in through his nose and tried to let it out slowly from his mouth. He repeated the process a few more times before he could feel himself calm, if only slightly. He was sick of this shit. He was sick of being gripped by this terror when he wasn’t expecting it. 

He had been having such a good time before. Playing with those kids, laughing with Sam and flirting with Cas. It had been such a good summer day. Then his fucked up brain had to ruin it. He huffed angrily at himself and rolled onto his side. He tried to replay the brief interaction he’d had with Cas to cheer himself up. The other man had seemed so surprised when Dean had told him it was nice to see him too. He felt a gentle smile tug at his lips. Thoughts of Cas chased themselves around his brain and his body eventually relaxed and he drifted into a light sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Dean-bean :(


	4. BOOBS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early Friday update!! Little more substance this time around. This was more fun to write since we're a little deeper into it. And guess who makes a reappearance!?
> 
> edit: got too excited with the early update. Went back and fixed formatting errors!

Monday morning had rolled around and Cas had just finished relaying to Charlie what had happened at the barbeque on Saturday. She had been eager for news and had prodded at Cas until he finally relented and told her about it. She had been surprised when Cas got to the part about Dean storming off and she seemed saddened by it. Cas could admit to some worry about Dean in the following couple of days. He was still new to the myriad of human emotions and it had startled him initially to feel the concern at all. Watching someone suffering had been all his existence had amounted to for so long that the uncomfortable twisting in his stomach had worried him. Gabriel had warned him about food poisoning after all. But, as the feeling had settled and his thoughts kept drifting to the terrified expression on Dean’s face he had come to the realization that he’d been worried about the mechanic. He tried to assuage his concerns with the knowledge that Sam had taken care of him and all was well now. He had also told himself that Charlie would know how he was doing when he saw her on Monday and he was disheartened to find that she hadn’t spoken to them. 

Dean didn’t make his way into the coffee shop that day and Castiel finally gave in to his concern and asked Charlie for her opinion on how Dean was doing. 

Charlie shrugged, trying to come across as nonchalant. “I dunno, Cas. That happens from time to time…”

Cas frowned at her, unsure of how to proceed. How did you check on people when you didn’t know when you were going to see them? An idea came to him suddenly. “Will you call him to ask if he’s alright?”

Charlie turned an amused eye to him. “You want me to call Dean?”

Cas nodded sagely. “Yes, yes, just to be sure that he’s alright.” He was unwilling to admit that his concern had doubled in the last couple of minutes. What if something had happened to him? He’d laid all this nice groundwork with the man, what if it was all for nothing?

Charlie raised an eyebrow at that. “Well… I don’t think calling would do us any good here, Cas.” 

Castiel frowned at her. “Charlie, I am to understand that when one is worried after the health of a friend…” He paused here, was Dean his friend? Well, he was Charlie’s regardless. “That you check in to make sure that said friend is well.”

Charlie pursed her lips together, trying to contain a smile. “Yes, I suppose that is the case. However… It may have escaped your notice, but Dean isn’t much of a talker. And a phone call to check on his welfare necessitates at least a little talking from both parties.” 

Castiel could have smacked himself! Phone calls were still new to him, EVERYTHING was still new to him. He frowned and looked away from Charlie, thinking deeply. What to do, what to do… Oh! Charlie had sent him words on his phone to ask him to go to The Roadhouse. That hadn’t required talking. Bingo! 

“Send him the words on his phone.” Cas said resolutely.

Charlie looked taken aback at that. “Huh?”

“The words. You sent me the words in writing on my phone. Send him the words that way!” 

Charlie’s eyes shone with understanding and she grinned at him mischievously. “You are totally unreal, dude. Like, E.T. unreal.” She chuckled at the stony look on his face. “It’s called texting, you big nerd. And I’ll do you one better! Let me give you Sam’s number and you can text him yourself.”

Charlie rummaged in her apron and pulled out her phone, typing quickly on the screen and pulling up the contact information for Sam Winchester. What followed then could only be described as a technological train wreck. Cas had no idea how to add in Sam’s information and had endless questions for Charlie about how the electronics worked, then he spent 15 minutes deciding what to type to Sam worrying it would be misconstrued or poorly worded, then he spent ANOTHER 15 minutes actually typing out what he and Charlie had agreed upon. By the end, Charlie looked like she was about to pull her hair out at the roots.

The message read simply:

**Cas: Hello, Samuel. This is Castiel. I am writing to you to enquire after Dean’s health. How is he feeling?**

Castiel then started at his phone. Waiting. He could see Charlie from the corner of his eye, holding a hand over her mouth. Her snickers were less than silent, but he ignored her. This was important and he needed to be ready to respond when Sam replied to him. However, after a few minutes of staring at his black screen, Charlie finally rested a hand on his arm and he glanced at her briefly.

“Just set a notification sound, bud. It could be a while before he gets back to you. He’s at work right now.” 

Castiel nodded slowly at her in understanding. Yes, that made sense. He set his phone aside, after Charlie had instructed him on how to turn his notification sounds on. He busied himself with cleaning the counters for a time before asking Charlie with a head tilt, “Why did I text Sam instead of Dean?”

Charlie paused, while she was pouring hot water down a drain. She responded without turning around, “Dean... might not like being reminded about what happened. It’s better to test the waters with Sam first, just in case.”

Cas pursed his lips and mulled that over. Perhaps it would be considered rude to remind someone of a moment of weakness. Because that was undoubtedly what Dean would consider it. He supposed that made sense, he wouldn’t appreciate someone bringing up something that had scared him. Not that anything scared him, he WAS a demon after all. 

Cas was distracted then by a customer who had just come in through the door. He spent the next few hours helping the occasional customer and assisting Charlie to prep and clean for the next day. A pinging noise drew his attention after a time and Castiel looked suspiciously around the coffee shop for the source of the noise. Charlie’s hands were elbow deep in soapy water at the moment but she jutted a chin towards the counter that held his phone when Cas looked at her questioningly. 

His phone? Oh! Sam! Cas launched himself towards the small object. It had stopped making noise, but a small blue light was blinking at him, notifying him of a message he had missed. Cas unlocked the screen and opened Sam’s message eagerly. 

**Sam: Hey, Cas. Just call me Sam, please. Dean is… alright. Uh, I was actually going to ask Charlie to come over tonight to spend some time with him.**

Cas stared at his phone a moment, trying to figure out how to respond to that. A minute after that first message came through though his phone pinged again and he looked at it in confusion. 

**Sam: You wanna come over too?**

Cas frowned at the screen. Alright? Well, that wasn’t necessarily a glowing endorsement for Dean’s well-being. Cas related to Charlie what Sam had said and she chewed thoughtfully on her upper lip while she pondered. She wiped her hands on a large dishtowel that was slung over her shoulder before answering. 

“Would you like to go and see him?” She asked simply.

Cas hesitated. He did actually want to go and see him, but he couldn’t really pinpoint why that was. He supposed spending more time around him would offer him the opportunity to get to know him better. He could practice his signing even! Charlie would be there to help interpret… Yes, yes this could work out quite nicely. Quite nicely indeed!

Castiel nodded to her resolutely. She raised an eyebrow at him and quirked a half-smile. “Well then, nerd. Go ahead and text him back and let him know we’ll come by this evening.”

Castiel was already bent over his phone, slowly tapping on the keys to word out his message. Charlie smiled at him fondly and went back to her dishes. Cas waited again for Sam’s reply. It came much faster this time around.

**Sam: Great! Tell Charlie not to forget the beer and I’ll provide dinner. See you guys in a few hours.**

xxx

Dean was just making himself comfortable on the couch when Charlie’s overly cheerful, “Ayyyyy oooooh!” came careening down the hall from the front door. He closed his eyes and willed strength into his limbs. He should have known Sam would invite her over to “cheer him up”. So he’d been a little down the last couple of days? Sue him. He pursed his lips at that thought. Sam probably COULD sue him over that. He’d find some legal loophole to prosecute him for a bad mood just to annoy Dean. He huffed a sigh, but didn’t bother getting up. Charlie was family and he didn’t need to put on airs for her so he kept his focus on the TV and waited for her to plop down on the other end of the couch.

There was some quiet murmuring in the hallway, Sam probably warning her to treat him with kid gloves. He just barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes at that. He’d had some trouble sleeping the last couple of days, sure, but he wasn’t a zombie or anything. Perhaps his attention had wandered a little more than was normal, but he had a lot on his mind! And the fact that he couldn’t stop seeing flames when he closed his eyes had nothing to do with anything.

The sound of footsteps and the clinking of beer bottles came from the kitchen behind him and he glanced over his shoulder towards it. Sam had wandered in with Charlie close behind carrying her preferred brand of beer. Some awful IPA that Dean detested drinking, but did anyway because it was free. Behind Charlie though, to Dean’s shock, was Castiel. The man looked uncomfortable and out of place in the modern style kitchen, his ever-present suit looking a little more rumpled than the last time he’d seen him. Did the guy even own any other clothes? He’d seen him a handful of times now and other than the trench coat that came and went, the suit was always the same.

He turned back around to the TV quickly when he noticed Cas’s eyes on him. He’d been caught staring and he felt a slight blush work it’s way up his neck. He tried to refocus on the show he was watching but he was having a hard time with the ruckus Charlie and Sam were causing in the kitchen. After another minute or so, the rag tag group moved into the living room and all took places around the TV. Charlie settled next to him on the sofa, as was her custom, Sam in a large armchair to his left and Cas to the right in the matching chair. Dean watched out of the corner of his eye as the man shifted his weight from side to side, trying to get comfortable.

Charlie tossed a beer towards him and he caught it in deft hands. He gave her a raised eyebrow as he showed the label to her.

“Hush, you. It’s free and it’s delicious. You’ve never had any taste after all.” Charlie fired at him.  
Dean rolled his eyes but opened the bottle, it was a twist cap for God’s sake! Before taking a slow pull from the bottle. He did his best to ignore the startled look that Cas was giving him. The heat just wouldn’t seem to leave his neck and his staring wasn’t helping. 

Sam pulled a bitch face and looked towards Dean when his eyes had finally landed on the TV. “Do we have to watch Dr. Sexy again, dude? Seriously?”

Dean’s shoulders hunched up around his ears and he shot Sam a flat look. “You’re jealous of his hair, Sam. It’s ok to admit it, we all know.” Dean signed at him.

“You only ever insist that we watch this so you can see his ass in those scrubs. You know how Jess feels about you objectifying in the house.” Sam retorted.

Dean pursed his lips at his brother and frowned at the TV. He wasn’t objectifying! He liked the storyline! This one was captivating, groundbreaking even! It had something to do with bringing in baboons from the zoo for heart transplants… maybe. He actually wasn’t sure.

“Fine! What do YOU want to watch?”

“Why don’t we let Cas and Charlie pick? They’re the guests.” Sam said to Dean, but he was looking expectantly between Charlie and Cas as he spoke. 

Charlie tapped a thoughtful finger against her chin. Dean could tell that Cas had absolutely no idea what was happening. He could surmise that they were trying to figure out something to watch on the television but half the conversation had been in sign language and he wasn’t even close to skilled enough to follow along.

Charlie held a finger in the air in an Aha! Gesture. “Once More With Feeling!” She stated happily. She snatched the remote from next to Dean on the couch cushions and began scrolling through options before she found Netflix. 

Sam was looking at her in confusion, as was Cas. Dean, however, felt a thrill go through him. He LOVED “Once More With Feeling”, though he would never, ever, admit it to anyone. Charlie had found out one night when he was too many tequila shots in and had teased him relentlessly once he’d sobered up. She hadn’t ever told anyone though, and he was thankful for that. She was trying to cheer him up, he realized, but she was doing it sneakily and he felt a wave of affection towards her. 

She pulled up “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and was scrolling through the seasons, looking for the musical. The title of the episode finally popped up and Sam uttered a loud, “Oh my God!” from his left and he smiled wickedly at him. Sam didn’t love the show, he said it was too corny for him. Dean had always insisted that that was the point of it but Sam had remained resistant. Sam had always preferred documentaries because he was boring and had no imagination.

Dean glanced over at Cas who had a dazed expression on his face. This poor guy. He had no idea what he was getting himself into with Dean and Charlie. They were 10 minutes into the episode, with Charlie belting the lyrics of the songs at the top of her lungs and Dean tapping his foot along to them. He knew the words by heart, listened to them on his iPod even without the episode playing, though he would deny it on pain of death. Cas was still looking dazed and would turn confused eyes to Charlie and Dean in turn before looking back at the TV. Sam had gotten up at some point to put a couple of pizzas in the oven and was puttering about the kitchen, doing who knew what.

The episode ended after a short enough time and Dean felt a lightness in his chest that hadn’t been present the last couple of days. Sam had been right in inviting Charlie over here, it was hard to feel down in the face of her relentless optimism. Charlie beamed over at him and turned the radiant smile over to Cas next.

“What did you think!?” She asked Cas in excitement.

“I… It was… Was this based in fact?” He managed to stutter out. He looked absolutely appalled and Dean felt his eyes crinkle with the force of his smile. 

Charlie’s smile faltered and she looked at Cas in confusion. “Fact? Cas that was a show that featured singing demons and cute kickass women, what are you talking about?”

Cas’s eyes darkened briefly and he settled a little further in his chair. “So, that was a work of fiction?”

“Are you kidding me? It’s called freaking “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, of course it’s fiction!” Charlie laughed.

“Well... in that case, it was very confusing. I don’t understand why they would all burst into song while in the middle of a battle. It seems counterproductive to the action of a fight. How would you even catch your breath enough to sing while swinging an axe?” Cas bit back at her.

Charlie laughed at him again but didn’t respond. She turned mirthful eyes to Dean and patted his leg comfortingly. He appreciated the gesture and was happy for Charlie’s company. Cas’s too, even if the poor guy looked at them like they’d all grown second heads.

The smell of cooked dough and gooey cheese drew all their attentions then and they turned hopeful eyes to the kitchen. Sam was pulling the two pizzas out of the oven with his ridiculous oven mitts shaped like lobsters. Charlie and Dean both scrambled over the couch and into the kitchen. San gave an affronted squawk at the treatment of his furniture but they knew he didn’t mean it. Cas followed them at a more sedate pace, still looking perturbed at the episode of Buffy they had just watched. 

Sam waved them off with his hands still looking like giant lobsters before they burned their hands on the still oven hot pizzas. Dean made his way to the cabinets to pull out plates and Charlie grabbed some napkins and silverware. It took a few minutes of wrangling and maneuvering around each other before they all had 2 slices a piece and were settled back in the living room. 

They spent the rest of the evening with a much more muted TV on in the background. Jess wandered in at some point and joined them. They talked and laughed and by the end of it Dean was feeling just like his old self again. He even got to help Cas practice his signing. The man seemed absolutely ravenous to learn how to do it and he was a quick study. Dean talked slower for his benefit and by the end of the night Cas was able to follow along to simple phrases and statements as long as they weren’t signed to hurriedly.

xxx

Cas was up early the next morning. He had slept fitfully, dreams of Gabriel and Zachariah singing, dancing and fighting off a petite blond had haunted him. He found himself grumbling at her use of snappy puns and her fascination with that awful blonde vampire. The very idea that demons would sing and dance! And lovesick vampires! Perish the thought. Absolutely insulting, demons would never. Well… Gabriel might. He shook his head, trying to dispel the images that resurfaced.

He had been teased the night before for his unimaginative wardrobe and he had vowed to himself to go shopping after work that day to buy some new clothes. He hadn’t realized it was something that would stand out so much, but the group had picked up on it pretty quickly. He thought his suit was perfectly serviceable, but he needed to fit in here so he’d have to go buy some clothes. 

As he lay in bed that morning he was distracted by thoughts of Dean’s face the previous night while he signed slowly enough for Cas to follow. He had been careful, watching Cas’s face to verify if he was getting it. There had been excitement on his features when Cas nodded slowly in understanding to what he’d been saying. He felt the corners of his lips curl upward at the memory. Cas had felt pride flutter in his chest when he’d finally been able to follow along at a reasonable pace. 

He adjusted minutely on the bed and gave a full body jerk at the feeling of the mattress against his front. He’d shifted some time during the night and was now lying on his stomach with a face pressed against a pillow. He shifted again and felt a shiver run down his spine.

Oh. Oh… he had an erection. He’d never had one before, had only ever heard about them second hand. The descriptions of “boners”, masturbation and intercourse now seemed to pale in comparison to the actual feeling that was chasing itself through his body. Small sparks of fire were working their way outwards from his crotch to travel down his legs and up his torso. This felt amazing…

He squeezed his eyes shut and stilled his body completely. Slowly, very slowly, he gave a tiny jerk of his hips into the mattress. The reaction was immediate and he let out a low moan at the sensation. He had been missing out if this was a common human occurrence. He stilled again and this time pushed forward a little harder. The head of his cock had flipped upwards at some point and was now trapped between the waistband of his briefs and his stomach. 

Cas took an unsteady breath and rolled slowly over onto his back. His natural curiosity got the better of him and he decided he needed to see what was happening before he went much further. He glanced down quickly and felt his pulse quicken at the sight of the leaking tip of his dick pressed tightly to his abdomen. _This is incredibly erotic…_ What had even caused this reaction in him?

Dean. He’d been thinking about Dean and how he had looked last night. The sparkle of his eyes and the curve of his mouth had risen to his mind and Cas shivered again. Experimentally, he lifted his hips and pulled his briefs down to his thighs. His swollen cock bounced once it was free of its constraints and he sighed happily at the feeling. 

Now that he was nude however he wasn't sure what to do. He did his best to remember what his brothers and sisters had described of their experiences but he was having trouble focusing. Tentatively, he reached out a hand and brushed his fingertips gently over the length of him. He shivered and let his eyes fall closed again. He ran his fingers up and down his length a few more times, alternating the pressure with each pass.

His fingers quested over his erection, his inexperience heightening his excitement. He pulled gently at the skin just below his shaft and above his sac. No, that wasn't any good. He reached down and fondled his testicles gently. Oh, that was very good. He spent a few moments, handling each of them in turn and relished in the sensations that were firing down his legs. 

He started feeling a vague frustration in his chest. He wanted more, NEEDED more. Maybe… maybe he could just… he moved his hand up slowly to grip the base of his shaft. Yes, yes that goooooood. He gave an experimental tug upwards. 

“Oh, fuck.” He whispered hoarsely.

He readjusted his grip and moved his hand upwards, towards the sensitive head that was leaking pre-cum heavily now. He squeezed just below the head and felt his back arch upwards and off the bed. 

“Fuck… fuck…” He moaned lowly between words. He felt a warm flush work it's way up his chest.

He squeezed again and pulled up at the same time. He felt his legs tighten under him and bend at the knee. This wasn't going to last long, he'd never done this before and knew from what he'd heard that those without experience never did. 

He ran a thumb over the slit on the head of his cock and collected the warm slick that was pooling there. He used that to smooth his movements and he pulled up and down more rapidly. His back arched again and he released a wanton moan that would have embarrassed him if he had known that he should have been embarrassed by it.

A flash of green eyes and a plump bottom lip came unbidden to his mind and he moaned loudly again.

“Oh… oh… fuck, yes. Yesssss.” The last was spoken so brokenly that it was hardly a word at all.

His body tightened completely, his muscles flexing as he gave himself one last hard stroke. His cock pulsed thickly in his hand and then he was shooting cum up the smooth planes of his stomach and onto his chest. 

He let his breath out in a whoosh as wave after wave pulsed through him. He continued to pull slowly against his shaft, enjoying the feeling of the warm semen that had run down his length and over his fingers. 

He gave a shiver once his orgasm had run its course. Wow. Was that normal? Did humans experience this often? He could certainly get used to it…

He continued to hold loosely to his slowly softening member until the tacky feeling of cooling cum made him uncomfortable. He searched helplessly for a rag to wipe himself down. There were none handy… 

He stripped his underwear off carefully and used it to wipe himself off. He then lay back and sighed contentedly. He felt a small smile alight on his features. That had been fantastic. Really, really fantastic.

Maybe being human wasn't so horrible after all. He sighed again and ran his hands over his chest. This whole human thing wasn’t going to be so hard after all! He stretched languidly. This was the most comfortable he’d felt in this mortal body yet. He yawned widely and snuggled deeper into his bed. 

He dozed on and off for the next half hour before finally convincing himself to get around for the day. He spent a few minutes that morning reviewing BOOBS and was happy with the progress he was making. Gabriel had been worried that he wouldn’t fit in, he was obviously not aware of Castiel’s skills at subterfuge. Why, he was almost a native already! They suspected nothing and he gave himself a mental pat on the back.

Cas had a little more pep to his step that morning when he walked into work, which Charlie immediately noticed. She kept shooting him knowing looks, which he did his best to ignore. He was starting to suspect that when Charlie had asked if he’d liked Dean before, that she had meant something other than what he thought. It was becoming apparent to him that there were… romantic connotations to that word. The thought caused a shiver to run up his back. Romance, how abhorrent. He was distracted in his musings by the prep work required of them for the morning ahead. He threw himself into it, dedicating his attention to the tasks at hand. His brain resurfaced a couple hours later when Dean wandered in through the coffee shop door. Castiel’s attention was drawn by the bow-legged man as he strutted up to the counter with a sly smile on his face. 

Castiel felt overeager again, like he did the last time Dean was here. “Good morning, Dean.”

“Morning, Cas.” Dean signed to him slowly. “The usual?”

Cas nodded in agreement and went to start preparing Dean’s coffee. He took it black, with cream. Castiel was only a little ashamed to admit that he had memorized the order the first time Dean had come in. He gave Dean a double thumbs up and went to prepare his drink. The gesture was one he had learned from Charlie and he was excited to use it. It could only improve his cover, after all.

Dean’s fingers tapped a slow beat against the countertop while he waited. Cas was quick to prepare the drink, excited for another opportunity to talk to the mechanic. He tapped the drink down on the counter, but then hesitated. How do you start a conversation? He glanced down at the cup that Dean was reaching for and held up a hand to grab Dean’s attention. Dean looked up at his with a raised brow.

“Hot.” Cas managed to sign, indicating the drink.

Dean’s eyebrow rose higher on his forehead, and he slowly signed over to Castiel. “I know I am.”

Cas felt a blush stain his cheeks before he was able to compose himself. The quiet huffing of Dean’s strange laugh reached his ears and the corners of his lips quirked at the sound. The sound of Dean’s laughter was more comfortable for him than the loud guffaws and girlish titters he was getting used to hearing here on Earth. Dean’s laugh didn’t demand attention, didn’t force you to hear it. It was subtle and a reward received after careful work. It was like a treasure found at the end of a scavenger hunt and Castiel found that he enjoyed the sound immensely. 

“Work ok?” Dean asked.

“Busy!” Cas replied, with an exaggerated slump to his shoulders to indicate his weariness.

Dean huffed at him again and waved at Charlie, who had just appeared around Castiel’s shoulder.

“Dean-bean! What’s up?” She chirped at him joyfully.

He rolled his eyes at her dramatically and offered a simple good morning.

“I have to get going. Need to work on that Buick. Bye Charlie!” Dean paused here, almost bashful before signing, “Bye, Cas.” And with that he was back out the door, legs akimbo, and on his way to work. 

Castiel felt disappointed at Dean’s quick departure and he did his best not to blame Charlie for interrupting their conversation. She seemed unconcerned and went back to whatever it was she’d been doing before. 

Cas spent the rest of his work day with Charlie, talking companionably and getting to know the small red-headed woman better. He found that though her sense of humor often escaped him, she had a good heart and was eager to help. The thought of her being a genuinely “good” person should have repulsed him, but he found that he enjoyed her offbeat attitude and quick smiles. He worried briefly that he was becoming corrupted himself being up here, it had only been a few weeks after all, but he shrugged it off. Gabriel often enjoyed all sorts of human endeavors, he laughed and ate candy and told jokes and watched movies. So, perhaps it wasn’t so bad that Castiel made a tentative friendship with this one woman. Even if it was only for a short time, then he’d be back on his merry way and into the bowels of the Pit, no worse for the wear.

Cas finished his shift in a rather unremarkable fashion. He had held off on telling Charlie what he was doing that afternoon just in case she asked too many questions regarding his wardrobe. It had become apparent to him that humans didn’t often only possess one outfit that they wore everyday. He didn’t want her to know that he was going to purchase an entire wardrobe that afternoon. He had made a quick stop at home to shower before he steeled himself and made his way towards the mall. It was a few miles from his apartment, but it wasn’t an unmanageable walk. He felt optimistic about his trip there. If he had thought to ask Charlie though, perhaps she could have warned him about what he was getting himself into.

Going to a mall was a singularly horrifying experience and Castiel vowed to never make a repeat visit. There were people everywhere, many of them smelling of onions and sweating in inappropriate places. He did his level best to avoid touching them but was often volleyed between shoppers with their heads bent towards their phones. He eventually managed to retreat into a store that sold men’s clothes and it offered some protection from the hordes outside. He took a deep steadying breath while he tried to ground himself. The store smelled like stale air and fabric preservatives and he detested it almost immediately. 

He had made himself a list that morning of things he would need and he fished it out of the pockets of his trousers before proceeding. They were mostly just basics, plain shirts, pair of jeans, socks, underwear, etc. Though he had added **SWEATERS** in all caps at the bottom of the page to remind himself to get a couple of the articles. Gabriel had suggested them and Castiel was eager for more items to keep him warm while he was here. He had adjusted a little better in the few weeks he’d been here but he still found that he shivered at night and that his hands felt cold almost all the time.

He made his way quickly through the store, grabbing items that looked to be about his size and tossing them into a basket he’d found by the door of the store. Once he had grabbed all of the “staple” items that he needed he began his hunt for sweaters. He gave up after 10 minutes however when no sign indicated that the racks below held the item. He managed to find someone in a vest that had a name tag on the left side. The blue tag read ‘AARON’ in bold white letters.

“Excuse me,” Cas started as he approached. The teenaged Aaron turned towards him with a bored expression. “I’m looking for some sweaters, could you direct me?”

Aaron blinked slowly at him and pursed his lips. “Sweaters? It’s like 100 out…”

Cas’s expression flattened out and he gave the teen a disdainful look. “I’m aware. Will you tell me where they are?”

“Uh…” Aaron looked around with a frown. “I think maybe over on the clearance rack there’s a couple…” He pointed vaguely towards the back of the store.

Cas gave him a tight-lipped frown before walking away without so much as a nod. Little shit. The store was deeper than he had thought it was and Cas picked his way between the racks cautiously. A large sign hanging from the ceiling labeled the far back corner as **CLEARANCE** and he made his way towards that. Upon reaching the section he was somewhat dismayed to discover that the racks here were a mess. There had been order up at the front, not a lot but some, and he had appreciated that. This area looked like it had been picked apart by a horde of chimpanzees bent on destruction. He wouldn’t have been surprised to find feces smeared on the walls. His frown deepened but he resolutely made an attempt to pick through the clothes here.

He emerged 15 minutes later, harried looking but victorious. He’d managed to find 3 different sweaters and he was more than excited about it. One was a little too large for him and one was a little too small but they were all soft and looked like they would provide him with an excellent additional layer. He picked his way back to the counter and paid for the items with a large portion of his remaining money. It was a good thing that his payday was the end of this week, his funds were almost completely depleted now. He left the mall in a much better mood than he had entered it. Though he was careful again to not be touched by any of the other patrons or their sticky children.

Cas stopped in the basement of his building to run his laundry. He pulled the tags from his new clothes and dumped them one by one into the large basin, eager to rid them of the starchy feel of preservatives. He pulled off his overshirt for good measure, though he kept his tee and his slacks on. It was apparently considered bad form to walk around naked, which he had learned the hard way, as had a rather startled Mrs. Bannon from 1A.

He left the machine to run while he went upstairs to his apartment. He didn’t like leaving the items unattended for long, the sign on the laundry room door instructed him not to do so, but he wanted to grab a book from upstairs. He’d been leaving the Book in his apartment during the day, unwilling to let it be found out on his person. As he unlocked his door, he hastened to grab the book from his kitchen counter. While he was there he grabbed the pen that he left on the counter as well and perused his **“Being Human”** list. He marked quickly through ~~“Buy new clothes!”~~ and then marked several times through, ~~“Visit the mall :)”~~ with a little more force than necessary. He’d have to have a word with Gabriel about some of the items on this list. Visiting the mall was too painful to endure again and it made him worried about what else was on his bulleted list.

He made his way quickly back downstairs and finished his laundry feeling much more relaxed than he had in days. He had posted himself in a plastic chair near the washer and read through a couple of chapters of BOOBS. He paid particular attention to the sections labeled, “Infiltrating the Feelings” and “Manipulating the Emotions”. It was such a fascinating read, that he was startled when the buzzer went off indicating that his clothes needed to be moved to the dryer. He did that hurriedly before returning to his book.

Another hour later found Cas settled in his bed and looking at his ceiling. His newly washed and folded clothes satt in a small pile near the wall. He pulled on his too large sweater before getting into bed and he wrapped the sleeves over his fingertips. He snuggled his nose into the folded fabric and relished in the feeling of warmth that encompassed his upper body. He should have done this first thing after coming top-side. Oh well, he’d learned that lesson. He felt a slight discomfort in the knowledge that he’d been here a few weeks with nothing to show for it, but he reminded himself that he needed to learn to insinuate himself into human lives before he could hope to convince them to sign over their souls. He settled more fully into the blankets around him and sighed happily.

xxx

 

Friday rolled again and Dean was eager for their weekly stop at The Roadhouse. He’d seen Cas at the coffee shop once more that week and he had invited him out again with them. The guy had seemed pumped and Dean was happy they’d included him in their little friend group. 

The smell of coffee permeated the house and Dean roused himself enough to stumble into the kitchen. Jess must have loosened the reins on the coffee machine today. He scratched absently at his chest, enjoying the feel of the worn Motorhead tee he had on. Sam and Jess were both in the kitchen, in various stages of exhaustion. Sam’s ridiculous hair was sticking up on one side, most likely the side he’d slept on. And Jess’s blonde locks were shoved into a messy bun on top of her head. Dean smiled fondly at both of them as he made his way towards the cabinet that housed their mugs.

“You two look hung over.” He signed when they glanced at him.

Jess mumbled something unintelligible and turned her back on him. Dean raised an eyebrow at Sam who had sighed heavily. “Had trouble falling asleep last night, guess I’m still not quite used to her being gone at night…” Sam added slyly to his wife. She gave him a side eye that he responded to with a wink.

“You’re disgusting.” Dean added. “Honestly, aren’t you supposed to be over this flirty shit now that you’re married?”

Sam chuckled softly and even Jess’s lips quirked up at the edges. “I’ll be over it when she is.”

“Never gonna happen.” Jess smiled sweetly at him. 

Dean rolled his eyes at them. “You’re ridiculous. Excuse me while I go vomit at these rainbows and heart eyes that are floating around the kitchen.”

Sam laughed again and he went back to sipping his coffee quietly. Dean puttered around the kitchen, making his own coffee and grabbing a bowl of cereal. He enjoyed when the other two were up with him in the mornings. It was nice to see them before he started his day at the garage. He may have drug his feet a little when they’d asked him to move in but he was glad that they’d managed to convince him. He felt happier than he had in a long time, here with his family. Dean wouldn’t ever admit it to anyone but he didn’t really like living alone. He’d spent so much time in close quarters with Sam when they were growing up, that he felt empty and isolated when he had a whole place to himself. 

Dean munched his cereal happily. Sam made a disgusted sound when some of the milk ran down his chin and splashed on the counter. Dean smiled widely at him, food still stuffed in his mouth. Sam pulled a classic bitchface and snatched his coffee off the counter to go sit in the living room. Dean laughed silently and continued eating. Messing with Sam never got old.

Several hours later found Dean replacing the oil in a Honda at the garage. He hated doing oil changes. They were easy and fast and they couldn’t afford to not offer the service, but just the same, he hated doing them. They were monotonous, with no room for imagination. They required no thought and therefore never presented a challenge. This was his third one of the day and he was afraid that he’d be doing them the rest of the day as well. People always got them done on Fridays, before they went out of town for the weekends. 

They did give him a chance to think though, which sometimes wasn’t a good thing. For example, at the present time, he was thinking about dark hair, blue eyes and soft pink lips. There was something about Cas that drew his attention and he couldn’t place what it was. Sure, he was a great looking guy, but it was more than that. He had an eagerness to learn that was fascinating, a complete lack of pop culture knowledge, and a wonder about the world around him that was endearing. Dean had enjoyed teaching sign language to Cas, the man had a thirst for knowledge that was sometimes staggering. Cas seemed so innocent, so over eager to obtain all the information he could get his hands on and Dean felt a smile tug at his lips at the thought of those blue eyes looking so entranced with a new subject. Dean liked him, a lot. Sam had been teasing him about it all week and he had resolutely denied any interest in the man. He didn’t really even know anything about Cas, he could be straight for all he knew. That guy was hard to get a read on, for sure. That was another thing that Dean liked, Cas kept him guessing. 

He was distracted enough thinking about those chapped lips that he managed to knock his knuckles against the car, causing a flare of pain to shoot up his arm. He cursed himself silently and refocused on his work. He was seeing Cas tonight, he could think about him then.

With his attention focused solely on his work, the rest of the day passed uneventfully. He did another 5 oil changes and replaced some spark plugs in an old Chevy. He spoke briefly with Bobby before he left, he’d been busy that week and hadn’t had much opportunity to talk to his surrogate father much. After a half hour of chatting amicably, Bobby chased him out of the garage to go and enjoy his weekend. He also reminded him that he was supposed to be stopping by the house that Sunday to help him move some furniture from the attic. Dean waved him off, assuring him that he’d remember. That old turd never trusted him to remember to come over, because Dean forgot ONE TIME 10 years ago.

He tapped a beat against the steering wheel of his baby, matching the tune coming out of his speakers. He’d have to take a drive this weekend. Baby hadn’t been out on the highway in a while, she deserved to have her tires tearing across the scenery, she’d been stuck in the suburbs too long. He patted her dash fondly and smiled at his tape deck. _You’re my number one, sweetheart. The only girl who’s never left me._ He turned the volume down on his stereo and stuck his arm out the window to feel the air whipping past him. This was so peaceful, all he needed was a cutie in the passenger seat and a week to drive across the country. Maybe he’d get the opportunity some day. He looked wistfully out at the horizon and felt a slight melancholy settle over him. 

It had been 4 years since he and Lisa had broken up. Dean didn’t miss her, not really, but he did miss having someone next to him. She’d been beautiful, sweet, and Dean had loved her son Ben as much as he would have his own. But, ultimately, it wasn’t meant to be. They had tried to make it work for a few years, cobbled together some semblance of normalcy, but in the end it just wasn’t right and they both knew it. 

He’d been a mess after they’d broken up. It had taken months before Dean was able to see all the compromises he’d made with himself to try and make their relationship work. Sam had been gently pointing them out since Dean had met her, but Dean never seemed to hear them, always waving off his concerns, ignoring his brother’s advice. He was glad for the experience though, he didn’t regret any part of their time together. If nothing else, it had given him a new perspective when he’d come out on the other side.

He pulled up in front of Sam and Jess’s house and looked at the large white building for a while. He would find someone, he knew it, it would just take some more time. And in the meantime, he had family and friends to keep him company. He figured that he wasn’t doing so bad if that was the case. He willed away the heavy feeling in his gut. It wouldn’t do to put himself in a funk right before he was set to go out with the others. They could sniff out melancholy like damn bloodhounds and would harass him about it until he spilled. No, he wouldn’t do that tonight. The feelings of loneliness could wait for another time. With a smile he exited his car and made his way in to get cleaned up and changed before going out.

xxx

Cas had eagerly hopped into the Charlie’s yellow car when she’d pulled up. He had been waiting outside for her, wearing his jeans, one of his sweaters and the pair of tennis shoes he’d purchased. He’d layered the sweater over one of his plain t-shirts for added warmth and he was pleasantly surprised with the effect. Visually, it wasn’t as striking as his suit and trench but he looked more like an “every man” as Gabriel would say.

Charlie gave him a low whistle when he settled next to her and he turned confused eyes towards her. “Looking good there, Cas! Dressed to impress I would say.” She chuckled a little at that, Cas wasn’t sure why.

“I purchased new clothes.” Cas’s face pulled into a deep frown before he added, “At the mall.”

Charlie laughed again at the look of despair on his face and patted his arm comfortingly. “I understand your pain. I hate going into that place. But, you did a good job, you look almost like a real person. More Joey from Friends and less Invasion of the Body Snatchers, for sure.” She laughed again at Cas’s startled expression before shaking her head and pulling away from the curb.

The drive to The Roadhouse was filled with friendly conversation. Cas related his experience at the mall while Charlie nodded along sympathetically. Cas marveled briefly at how comfortable he felt around the woman after only a few weeks and felt a warmth fill him from the inside at how accepting of him she’d been. He’d never experienced easy acceptance before. Hell was far from a welcoming place, even for demons. And his brothers and sisters never had kind words to share, they WERE demons after all. Having a friend was a novelty that he was enjoying immensely. He had picked correctly when deciding where to visit on Earth, these people were very wholesome and friendly. Very easy to manipulate too, as it turned out.

They were a little later to arrive this time and the rest of the group was there and in full swing when they walked through the doors. Cas felt a swooping in his stomach at the sight of Dean in a long sleeved grey henley, sleeves pushed up near his elbows, and relaxed jeans. They were crowded around a circular table and were laughing uproariously at something Jo had said.

Charlie bounded over to them quickly and they greeted her with open arms. They were slower to greet Cas, not because they weren’t excited to see him, which Cas had assumed, but because they didn’t recognize him. Dean was the first to see him, but seemed so shocked that he gave no indication to the rest of the assembled group. Jess was the next to see him and she clapped her hands merrily. Cas stood awkwardly next to the table, waiting to be acknowledged.

“You look so handsome, Cas!” Jess exclaimed.

“Yeah Cas, you look gre- Hey!” Sam shot over to his wife when he had a minute to digest her comment.

She laughed and kissed Sam on the cheek placatingly. “Not as nice as you, dear.”

“Speak for yourself!” Jo added with a leer towards Cas. Charlie and Jess laughed loudly at that and Sam hunched his shoulders up with a pout. 

Cas felt a blush rise up his cheeks and ducked his head before sliding into a seat between Dean and Charlie. Dean had remained silent during the whole exchange and Cas looked at him curiously. He figured Dean would be the most vocal about his wardrobe change, since he was the one who’d teased him the most. But, the mechanic simply looked at him with wide eyes, occasionally glancing down his body before his eyes travelled back up to his face. Cas felt the heat on his cheeks strengthen and travel to his neck.

“Cas, it’s like a million degrees out with 100% humidity, what are you doing in a sweater?” Sam asked him curiously.

Cas shrugged in response. “I get cold very easily.”

Sam gave him a “huh” face before shrugging himself.

“Just further proof that he’s one of our reptilian overlords. Cold blood.” Charlie added with a knowing nod.

That seemed to snap Dean from his reverie and he looked at her with disdain. “Give it a rest, Charlie. I don’t want to hear about reptiles from the ethereal plane or how we all live in the Matrix tonight.” Cas only caught a couple of words of this sentence but he did his best to look interested and not like he was totally out of his depth.

Charlie humphed at him in agitation before taking a long pull from her beer. Jo asked Jess how the hospital was and the group’s attention was quickly diverted from Cas. He felt relieved for that but he caught Dean staring at him from the corner of his eye and turned towards him.

“You look nice.” Dean signed over to him under the table.

Cas smiled towards the man gummily and the heat returned to his face. “Thank you.” Cas signed back.

They spent the rest of the night eating their burgers and drinking cheap beer. Dean and Cas caught each other’s eye on occasion but would quickly turn away with small smiles. Cas watched as Dean had twice as many drinks that night than he’d had before. His signing started to get messier and messier until not even Sam could figure out what he was trying to say. That didn’t seem to bother Dean, who swayed in his chair and continued to try to communicate with the table at large. 

Eventually, Dean snatched Cas’s phone off of the table and held a hand up when Cas went to snatch it back. Cas watched on as Dean slowly clicked his way through the phone tapping a few buttons here and there. After a minute a trilling vibration rang out from Dean’s pocket and he pulled it out of his pocket triumphantly. He tossed Cas’s phone back at him and Cas caught it with fumbling hands before it hit the table. Dean tapped a few keys on his own phone before grinning sappily at Cas and replacing it in his pocket.

Cas looked at his phone warily, unsure of what Dean had just done. The rest of the group hadn’t seemed to notice and weren’t paying them any attention. Cas clicked through a couple screens but everything looked to be in order and he felt a vague sense of unease at not being able to find any evidence of foulplay.

“Oi! Cas! Are we booooooring you?!” Jo called over to him from across the table.

Cas looked up sharply, all eyes had turned to him and Dean was hiding a smile behind his hand, not very effectively he might add.

“Of course not, Jo. I’m very engaged in our conversation.” He replied.

Jo snorted at his formal speech before flapping her hand at his phone. “Get off your fucking phone then, man.” She gave him a coy look under her eyelashes before adding, “She’ll wait, I promise.”

Cas was absolutely bewildered. “Who’s waiting?”

“The girl you’re texting, dummy. No one looks at their phone that intently unless they’re crushing on someone hard.” Jo shot back at him. “But, I promise, Blue-Eyes, she’ll wait.”

Cas blinked at her dumbly. She thought he was flirting with someone via text message? He opened his mouth to inform her that she was wrong when Dean stood abruptly, knocking his chair backwards, and started towards the bathrooms. That seemed to derail the conversation they were about to have as Cas watched him leave. Dean’s walk was a little unsteady and he tilted once to the side before righting himself. Cas hoped he was alright, he knew the effects alcohol had on the body and Dean had obviously had too much. 

“Oooooooh, I see.” Jo said, drawing his attention away from Dean’s retreating form. She opened her mouth to continue but Jess clamped a hand down over her mouth and shook her head. 

Humans were so odd. Cas couldn’t make heads or tails of this little interaction. He chalked it up to one of those human idiosyncrasies he’d never fully understand and tried to put it from his mind. They decided to call it a night pretty quickly after that. Dean looked like he was fading fast and would need to be put to bed sooner rather than later. 

They all hugged goodnight and wished every one well for the week to come. Cas was surprised to get a hug from Sam as well as all the girls. Dean gave him a couple friendly pats on the shoulder before heading towards Sam and Jess’s car. Cas was happy, he’d had a really good time with this loud group of humans. Who would have thought! Gabriel wouldn’t believe him when he told him he’d made friends with a close knit family group. Gabriel had always insisted that Castiel had the social graces of a neutered cat. He never understood why that was insulting. Cats were noble creatures after all, with a long history of stoicism and good taste. 

He and Charlie rode back to his house in a companionable silence. Occasionally, Charlie would remind him of something they had laughed about that night and Cas would respond with a dry comment he hadn’t added at the time. All too soon they reached Cas’s building and he thanked Charlie for driving him again. She wished him a good weekend and he promised to see her bright and early Monday morning.

He trotted up the stairs to his apartment with a warm feeling in his chest. He was happy. It was such a strange sensation. He felt joy in his work, sure, and he felt pride when he accomplished a task, definitely. But, he didn’t think he could ever remember a time when he felt genuinely happy. He’d made friends! None of the other demons would ever believe him capable of it. And even if they were only going to be used as a means to an end, he was happy. Dean’s soul was as good as his, he just needed a little more coaxing before forcing the confrontation. This had all been almost too easy! Gabriel made it sound like a lot of work and would often bemoan how stressful being a Crossroads Demon was. Castiel now suspected that he was putting on a show, humans gave away their attention and affection so easily! Like candy from a baby!

Cas was pulling his jeans off when his phone slipped out of his pocket and landed on the carpet with a soft thud. He neatly folded his jeans and set them aside before reaching for the phone. As he did so, the screen lit up with an incoming message. It was well after midnight, who could be texting him at this hour? He unlocked the screen and peered curiously at the message. It was from someone named: Mrrm. Chiselllll Cch*est. Cas pondered that for a moment, that certainly wasn’t something he’d put in there. Mr. Chisel Chest, maybe? The message read:

**Mrrm. Chiselllll Cch*est: u up????**

Cas frowned at the message. He would admit that his interest had been peaked, though he was loathe to speak to some stranger via text message.

**Cas: I’m awake. Who is this?  
Mrrm. Chiselllll Cch*est: is docter srcy  
Mrrm. Chiselllll Cch*est: secy  
Mrrm. Chiselllll Cch*est: sexy!  
Cas: The name in my phone reads Mr. Chisel Chest, not Dr. Sexy  
Mrrm. Chiselllll Cch*est: oooooOOOooo yeh! that 1 2.**

 

This was a train wreck. Castiel had no idea who this person was and he was starting to get annoyed with this interruption in his night. He was about to toss his phone onto the bed when a thought struck him. Dean had taken his phone that night and done something to it. It made sense that he’d added his contact information, though in his inebriated state he was spelling everything wrong and calling himself Dr. Sexy… and Mr. Chisel Chest.

**Cas: Dean?  
Dean: heeey who told?  
Cas: You should get some sleep Mr. Chisel Chest, you’re obviously very inebriated  
Dean: ur such analien  
Dean: cute one tho  
Cas: Thank you, Dean.  
Cas: Get some sleep, I’ll text you in the morning to check on you.  
Dean: u sleep ur bit my voss**

Castiel rolled his eyes at his phone. Dean was a mess right now. He’d have to make sure to check on him in the morning. He had heard that humans suffered from severe headaches and stomach pains after excessive alcohol consumption, something called a hangover. Dean would definitely have a hangover tomorrow.

**Cas: Goodnight, Dean.  
Dean: night angel**

Cas blinked at his phone a couple of times. He then had to re-read the last message from Dean. Shock registered on his features. _Angel? Angel?! How dare he!_ He tossed his phone away from him and it hit his bed before bouncing off of it and onto the floor. _Freaking angel, of all the nerve! To even suggest that I have anything in common with those holy than thou feather dusters. It’s an outrage!_ Cas was absolutely incensed and fumed around his apartment for another hour. He wasn’t even sure what to do with himself and kept pacing his kitchen until his mortal bodies exhaustion caught up with him and he had to settle down for the night. He laid down huffily and it took him a while for the riot of his thoughts to slow. _An angel!? The very idea of it! I’ve been too kind to these humans, too gentle, if that’s the impression I’m giving off. Anael would be furious with me, I should be ashamed._ Those thoughts chased one another through his mind before he finally succumbed to sleep. 

He slept fitfully that night and he dreamt of Dean with large, white, feathery wings speaking to him in a voice that wasn’t his own. The Dream Dean was nude except for a flowing white toga draped elegantly across his waist. He looked like a mortal imagining of an angel and Cas felt his dream self recoil at the sight. The Dream Dean smiled at him with half-lidded glassy eyes and asked him if he wanted to be a moral man with a slurred drunken speech. Dream Cas had expressed violent distaste at the idea but the Dream Dean had merely looked at him with a knowing smirk, eyes clouded over with intoxication. _You will_ , he had assured Dream Cas with a crooked smile.

Cas woke the next morning with a start, covered in sweat and shivering. Oh thank Lucifer! It was only a nightmare! He shuddered violently at the words the drunken Dream Dean had uttered to him _...you will…_ Those giant gleaming wings, the color of starlight, twinkled at him behind his eyelids, mocking Castiel with their mere presence. He needed a shower to wash off the stench of that dream. Correction, nightmare. 

A flashing notification light on his phone drew his attention. It was laying face up on the floor next to his bed where it had landed the night before. He was hesitant to pick it up, who knew what else Dean had managed to come up with in his drunken stupor. He stared at it warily for a moment, as if it might bite before chiding himself for acting like a child. He unlocked the screen to find that he did indeed have a message from Dean and he steeled himself for what it might say.

**Dean: Cas? it’s Dean. man, i am SO sorry about last night. i had way more to drink than I should have and it got away from me. normally i can hold it better dunno what happened to me.  
Dean: Look, i’m really sorry. if its any consolation i feel like absolute dog shit today so im paying for my crimes.**

Cas pursed his lips at the message. Forgiveness wasn’t in his nature and Dean had slighted him last night to a large degree. Though, if he didn’t forgive him then he wouldn’t be able to put his plans into motion and he’d already laid a good ground work with Dean. He tossed his options around in his head for a few moments, deciding the best course of action. He sighed wearily before squashing the part of himself that roared in fury at what he was about to do. Though, he couldn’t help acting a teensy, tiny, bit vindictive when he responded. 

**Cas: All is forgiven Mr. Chisel Chest, or was it Dr. Sexy?  
Dean: aw come on man cut me some slack. sams already been giving it to me this morning for how i acted in the car on the way home. ur supposed to be my friend here.**

Cas blinked rapidly at his phone. Friend? He was surprised at that, though he wasn’t sure why. He’d been calling Dean his friend in his head for a week already, but it felt different hearing it from the man himself. Well, if Dean expected Cas to cut him some slack as a friend then he would do just that. He put visions of a drunken angel Dean from his mind when they cropped up before responding.

**Cas: How are you feeling?  
Dean: told you like dog shit. like my bloods been replaced with motor oil and there are knives in my eyelids whenever i blink   
Cas: Those would definitely be very effective means of torture.  
Dean: ya no shit. got plans today?  
Cas: Not at the moment  
Dean: come over and hang out then. imma be posted on the couch for the foreseeable future**

Cas pondered the offer. It would be nice to spend some time around the mechanic, for sure. Even if he was a little annoyed with him at the moment. The more time he spent with him, the faster he could move along his timeline. He could be out of Sioux Falls with a neat 10 souls by the end of the month at this rate!

**Cas: I would be happy too. When should I make my way over?  
Dean: whenever man, im here now. wear comfy clothes, were vegging today**

Vegging? Castiel had no idea what that meant, but he did have comfy clothes that he could wear. He was showered, dressed, and out of the house half an hour later. Dean had text him his address and Castiel had looked it up on a map before leaving. It would take him just over an hour to walk and he was thankful that he’d put on a sweater and a pair of sweatpants. The morning was chillier than he had been expecting and he tucked his sleeves over his fingers against the soft breeze that passed him. He thought on his walk about the Book and what it would say about casual visits with one’s targets but decided he would have to improvise a little.

xxx

Dean had woken that morning with a headache so intense he had trouble keeping his eyes open long enough to find some ibuprofen and a glass of water. It was a half hour later when he realized that he’d text Cas the night before. The memory of it hit him like a backhand from a $2 whore and he squeezed his eyes tightly against the thought of it. Maybe he’d just dreamt it? He grabbed his phone in nervous fingers and opened his messaging app. Nope. Of course his luck wasn’t that good. There was the evidence right in front of him. He had snagged Cas’s number last night while they were at The Roadhouse and had named him “Hot Wings” with 3 fire emojis and a halo following it. He closed his eyes against the ridiculous heading. What in the hell had gotten into him.

He read through the messages quickly, groaning when he came to the end of them. Jesus, he’d made a cockup up the whole damn thing. Now was the time for damage control. Cas knew he’d been drunk, he probably wouldn’t hold all that against him. He may have crossed a smile line calling Cas ‘cute’ and ‘angel’ but he could probably shrug that off if pressed. He took a deep breath to steel himself before sending out a couple apology messages. He set his phone down beside him and waited for the other man’s response.

A short time later his phone vibrated against his night stand and he snatched it with eager fingers. Cas had forgiven him and then proceeded to call him Chisel Chest. Jesus. He and Cas text back and forth for a few minutes, it looked as if the other man wasn’t particularly disturbed by what Dean had sent him and he breathed a sigh of relief at that. He surprised himself by asking Cas to come over. He had felt so relieved that Cas wasn’t upset with him that he’d let the offer tumble from his fingers before he had thought about it. He wanted to see Cas sure, but he didn’t want to seem too eager to hang out. He wasn’t desperate after all! Cas readily agreed to the plan though and Dean felt a tingle in his cheeks from the grin he gave his phone. 

From there it was a simple matter of getting to the shower and cleaning up. Or, it would have been a simple matter if he wasn’t hung the fuck over. After an attempt to get around in the bathroom with the lights above the sink on, he shut them off. They were just too damn bright. He ended up leaving the light off in the bathroom and showering in the dark. He’d always enjoyed leaving the lights off while he showered, it felt intimate, sensual almost. A small thrill went through him as he thought about that and his dick gave an interested twitch. He was still too sick to do anything about it though and thought _Down boy…_ to himself.

A quick scrub later and he was feeling much better. He didn’t trust his hands with a razor yet and decided to forgo shaving. A day’s worth of stubble wouldn’t hurt anybody, besides it made him look more devil-may-care, which appealed to him.

He plopped on the couch in the living room, wearing a faded Pink Floyd shirt and a light pair of sweats. It was comfortably air conditioned in the house so he could get away with wearing the sweats inside. He yawned widely and scrubbed a hand over his face. His stomach was definitely not in the mood for breakfast, so he’d made due with a glass of water and a glass of orange juice that he’d placed in front of him on the coffee table.

He flipped through channels idly, wondering when Cas would make an appearance. He thought back to the night before with a half smile. Cas had walked in with Charlie and Dean hadn’t even recognized him. He was so used to seeing the man in a suit and that ridiculous coat that he hadn’t paid any attention to the guy in jeans and a sweater that had stopped at their table. He had no idea what had prompted Cas to finally update his wardrobe, but he was damn pleased something had. His jeans had been maybe a size too small, which Dean had not minded one bit, because he had looked good. The plain gray sweater he’d worn had drawn even more attention to the startling blue eyes that Dean couldn’t seem to get out of his mind. It was a good look overall, a VERY good look and if Dean hadn’t been so hungover his time in the shower might have been spent otherwise.

He had his head propped against his hand on the armrest of the chair, dozing slightly when the doorbell rang. Dean startled awake with a dazed expression and looked around wildly. Oh, right. Oh! Cas! He jumped up from the couch and regretted it almost immediately. A rolling from his stomach told him that he needed to slow down or he was going to spend the rest of the morning wrapped around the toilet. He placed a hand over his eyes and focused on taking some deep calming breaths. After a few of those he felt steady on his feet again and made his way to the door.

He pulled it open quickly, stopping Cas from ringing the bell again. The other man’s hand was poised over the button and he halted upon seeing Dean. Dean gave him a quick once over before grinning mischievously at him. He had on a pair of black sweatpants, the sneakers from last night, and most interesting was an overlarge sweater with a doe eyed giraffe on the front in bright colors.

Dean stifled a laugh at the goofy looking animal. “Morning, Data.”

Cas tilted his head, squinting at Dean in confusion. Dean tamped down viciously on the surge of affection that rose within him at the sight. Now wasn’t the time for that. He gestured behind him towards the living room and Cas preceded him in primly. Dean was pleased to see the other man, even more so when he saw what Cas considered casual leisure clothes. 

Dean grinned at the other man’s back as he walked smoothly into the living room. Normally, he would have beer and snacks ready to go, but he was way too sick this morning to have prepared anything for this impromptu visit. If Cas seemed disappointed by Dean’s poor hosting abilities he said nothing about it. He stood awkwardly in between the kitchen and the living while Dean opened the fridge.

“Thirsty?” He signed.

Cas seemed to consider the request for a moment before signing back, “Water?”

Dean nodded to him and filled a glass from Sam’s fancy refrigerator with the water and ice functions set in the front. He handed it over to the dark haired man and they walked around opposite sides of the couch to sit.

Dean huffed a contented sigh as he settled against the comfortable cushions of the couch. He chanced a look over at Cas, who was sitting rather primly on his own side, water held tightly in one hand. Dean grinned at him and leaned forward to scoot a coaster closer to him. Cas looked over at Dean’s drinks on his side of the coffee table and set his own glass on the provided coaster after a moment's consideration. He turned expectant eyes on Dean, causing the other man to feel slightly flushed under his collar.

“Ready?” Dean asked. Though, ready for what he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t making a lot of sense this morning.

Cas looked hesitant for a moment before responding with a neutral expression, “Of course, Dean.”

xxx 

 

The next few weeks passed in a blur of activity for Castiel. Between working with Charlie and spending most of his free time with Dean, he had hardly noticed the passage of time. Dean had continued to invite him over, under the ruse of updating Cas’s pop culture knowledge. Castiel suspected that Dean enjoyed his company, but he wasn’t really sure what to base that on. It was interesting getting to know someone so well. He hadn’t maintained consistent contact with anyone for as long he could remember. He spoke to Gabriel the most, he supposed, or perhaps his sister Anna. But, even those visits were few and far between.

Castiel had learned in the last few weeks that:  
-Next Gen was better than DS9, because the latter was far too political for adventures in space.   
-Buffy was awesome, and Dean would fight anyone who said otherwise.   
-Dr. Sexy was considered a religion in this household but one that was only observed by Dean.   
-Han shot first.  
-Dean was a “sucker for baby blues” (that information had been gleaned from another drunken text message)  
-Dean’s blood tended to run hot and he was often in the most minimal amount of clothing he could get away with when at home  
-And just because everyone SAID the 4th and the 10th Doctor were the best, didn’t mean that 9 should ever be overlooked, because that coat seriously crushed. And that Rose girl was hot.

It was all very strange information, but Cas had dutifully remembered it all at Dean’s insistence. Also during this time, Castiel had thought to ask Charlie about the churning in his stomach and the tightness he was experiencing in his chest. She had seemed alarmed at first and quizzed him down about his symptoms before laughing at him about it. He had told her that these feelings mainly occurred in Dean’s presence and he expressed concern that perhaps he was “allergic” to the mechanic. He had recently learned about allergies when he had visited Dean after the man had mowed his lawn. Castiel had sneezed for 20 minutes at all the dust that had floated in the air. It was a singularly miserable 20 minutes, not helped by the fact that Dean laughed at him the whole time. Charlie assured him that there was nothing to be worried about, it was all very natural, “GOOD even!” and she had called him a confused $2 bill. That hadn’t made any sense to him. Human currency was definitely new to him but as far as he knew people didn’t use $2 bills.

Cas continued to spend time with the “Scoobies” as Charlie called them on Fridays. They missed one here and there, people had busy schedules after all, but it wasn’t often. Against his better judgement he had allowed himself to be drawn into their lives. He knew that Gabriel would have some strong words about it, but he was doing his best to learn to be human and wasn’t that what Gabriel had ASKED him to do? Anytime doubts started to rear their heads he quickly squashed them back down. He had plenty of time to collect the souls of these people. The fact that he was starting to question whether or not he even wanted to collect their souls was slightly disconcerting, but he brushed it off whenever the thought came to him. 

Dean seemed to have learned some things about Castiel during their time together too. He made it a point to make burgers on the weekends that Cas came to visit, knowing how much he loved them. He had never even asked how Cas had liked them, because he had remembered from hearing him order at The Roadhouse. Dean was also willing to concede and allow Cas to watch documentaries when they were “vegging” as he called it. Cas knew that Dean didn’t care for these types of programs, but Cas was hungry for more knowledge about the world on Earth and ate up the information with a fervor. There was a particularly memorable one about bees and honey that had captivated him. Dean hadn’t even grumbled when Cas had turned it on and when Cas had looked at him halfway through to comment on something he’d just heard he found Dean already looking at him with a small smile on his lips. Cas had felt a blush stain his cheeks and had immediately lost his train of thought. Cas had been flustered the rest of that night and missed some information that was probably important about the bees. Dean also always had two extra throws on the couch, that had materialized out of seemingly nowhere, when Cas had told him how chilly he often got. Dean hadn’t called him angel again, but Cas found that the word had taken hold of some part of his brain and wouldn’t let go. Perhaps that was why he was having such a hard time convincing himself to “pull the trigger” and condemn Dean and the rest of the group.

The thought that Dean had taken the time to memorize his preferences had caused his chest to tighten again, but he was finding that he enjoyed the sensation. 

It was a Thursday and he’d just ended his last shift at work for the week, for which he was grateful. He’d been home about half an hour, enough time for him to get showered and to start thinking about texting Dean, when a loud POP! Next to him indicated that he was no longer alone in the apartment.

“Hey little bro! How’s it hangin’?” Gabriel’s cheerful tones echoed loudly in Castiel’s small kitchen.

“Hello, Gabriel.” He replied wearily. This really wasn’t what he wanted to deal with this afternoon.  
“Wow, that was a warm welcome. I haven’t seen you in 3 months! Where’s my hug?” Gabriel then wrapped Castiel in a bear hug and squeezed him tightly to his chest. Castiel had to recoil from the tight embrace. Gabriel was sticky, again.

“It’s nice to see you, Gabriel. To what do I owe this visit?” Castiel said, aiming for polite.

“Oh, I was just coming by to check on your progress. I figured you’d be ready to move on here pretty soon and I decided to come live a little vicariously through you. Crossroad deals have been down this month, something about the heat makes people not want to wander around outside.” Gabriel said this last with a shrug. He was peering down at Castiel’s **“Being Human”** list and was looking over the items that had been marked out.

Castiel felt suddenly nervous. Had he made enough progress on the list? Had it really been 3 months? It hadn’t felt like any time at all… The list was really more of a guideline list, not a rule list, right? He was hit suddenly with the realization that he hadn’t managed to contract ANY souls in 3 months. There was no way he could weasel that information past Gabriel. Damn, he was in a tight spot. 

“So! Tell me all about everything! How many of these corn-stuffed hillbillies have you managed to swindle out of their eternal and everlasting souls? Gabriel had turned expectant eyes on him and Castiel felt himself shrink under the gaze.

“Well… I have been laying sufficient ground work in the area. You would be impressed with how smoothly I’ve ingratiated myself into this place.” Castiel hedged.

Gabriel was nodding to him thoughtfully. “Yeah, that’s actually really surprising. You never were the most… social.” Still, those expectant eyes bored into him like mini hazel lasers.

I haven’t swindled any hillbillies…” Cas started.

Gabe waved him off with a flippant hand. “Ok, ok, ignore the term, whatever. How many souls have you collected?” 

Cas cleared his throat in an effort to buy himself some time. He was looking around his kitchen for some inspiration. He was coming up empty. Shit. _Am I cursing more? Must be Dean’s influence…_ He looked back to Gabriel with a guilty expression.

Gabriel face hardened almost immediately. “You haven’t gotten any, have you?”

“Not… not yet… but soon! I promise, soon!”

“Castiel… You know that I pulled a lot of strings to get you here.” Cas nodded glumly at that. “You know that your performance up here is a direct reflection on me, since I vouched for you.” Again, Cas nodded. He knew what was coming and he cringed slightly as he felt the air around Gabriel start to crackle with energy. “Then I have to ask, little brother. What in the actual FUCK have you been doing up here?!”

Castiel recoiled from the sharp tone directed at him. He knew this was coming, but being in the face of Gabriel’s fury was still something to behold. He opened his mouth to speak again but was halted by a hand from Gabriel.

“No. Actually, I don’t want to hear it. I’m not in the mood for excuses today. You ungrateful dick, I bet you’ve had a great time up here, haven’t you? Though, your personality is the equivalent to a wet paper sack, so I can’t for the unlife of me figure out what in the shit you’ve been doing with yourself. It’s not like I’d believe you were out here whoring and drinking every night. From the look of you, you aren’t even out there causing any mayhem.” Gabriel’s eyes had flipped halfway through this speech from their twinkling hazel to a flaming red.

Castiel was in a lot of trouble now. He thought desperately for something to do to calm the other demon down. He was looking around him quickly, when an idea came to him unbidden. Gabriel was sticky. Gabriel was sticky because he loved sweets. Castiel had cake in the fridge!

Quickly he yanked the door to his fridge open and snatched the large plate out from the inside. He held the item out to Gabriel as if it were a shield and Gabriel was a lion. Gabe’s nostrils flared a couple of times before his eyes fell down to the plate and the brightly colored cake it held. His mouth pulled down into a tight frown but he snatched the item from Castiel’s hands with a humph!

Cas almost let out a sigh of relief but restrained himself, but only just. 

“Make this good, Cassie. I’m not in the fucking mood.” Gabriel spat at him. He had pulled the plastic wrap off the cake and was eating the whole thing with red eyes and angry fingers.

“As you said, Gabriel, my personality is the equivalent to a wet paper sack. I don’t have any “people skills”. I’ve been trying to practice with these people so that when I move on I’ll be better equipped. I was accepted readily by my employer and it seemed only natural to try and win over her and her friend group.” Cas paused to gauge the impact of his words. Gabe still looked pissed, but he was at least listening. 

“You saw from my list earlier that I’m coming a long way. It’s only a matter of time before I collect their souls, I wanted to make sure their downfalls were especially gruesome!” Cas had to physically restrain himself from grimacing at the words falling from his mouth. “And… I have been enjoying the world up here. You know Hell isn’t exactly a paradise, even for demons.”

Gabe had finished the cake and was licking his fingers obscenely now. He seemed to have taken Castiel at his word and wasn’t that a relief? His eyes had shifted back to hazel and Cas exhaled deeply. “That was good. What was that?”

Castiel was surprised at the question and it took a moment to register. “Uh… it was cake.”

“I know it was cake, smartass. What KIND of cake was it?” Gabe said with an eyeroll.

“Oh, I believe Charlie called it ‘funfetti’.”

“Charlie, huh? He cute?” Gabe asked with a sly grin.

“Charlie is my female boss, Gabriel. We had cake to celebrate her birthday a week ago.”

Gabriel hmmed at that but didn’t say anything else on the subject. He glanced sideways at Cas and clucked his tongue a couple times thoughtfully. “Alright, maybe I lost my temper.” He shrugged his shoulders in a semblance of an apology. “But, Cas, you gotta know that this doesn’t look good. I know that you’ve never really been involved with the torturing of the damned downstairs. You’re head was always better suited to numbers and tactical maneuvers but… Listen, you’ve always been such a good rule follower, everything by the book. That’s how I was even able to convince the higher ups to let you come here! I all but guaranteed them you’d surpass all our expectations…”

Sometimes Gabe’s mood swings felt like getting whiplash but he was thankful for this turn around. Cas felt a weight settle over his shoulders. He was becoming more adept at recognizing human emotions and he had a sneaking suspicion that this one was shame. “I understand, Gabriel. I have every intention of living up to your expectations. I have been reading the Book consistently and I know it cover to cover. I won’t throw away this chance for advancement.”

Gabe eyed him levelly, appraising him. “The Book?”

“Yes, Beezlebub’s Official Obtai-”

Cas was interrupted by a choking sound from Gabriel. He had a hand over his mouth and his eyes were swimming in mirth. 

“BOOBS?! You’ve been reading BOOBS?!” Gabe almost shouted.

Castiel looked alarmed at this outburst and blinked owlishly at his brother. “Well… yes, it’s the Standard for soul contracting…”

“Oh, Cassie, oh no…” Gabriel was almost doubled over in his attempt to control his laughter now. “I didn’t realize… oh wow!”

Cas felt irritation travel down his spine and he straightened against it. “I don’t see what’s so funny about it!” He snapped.

“Cas, no one has used that book in a few hundred years. It’s so outdated that it recommends offering goats as sufficient payment for a soul. You didn’t think it odd that it references taverns and barbarians?”

Cas felt a little incensed at that. Some of the wording had been a little archaic, sure! But the advice was still good… wasn’t it? “Humans have not changed so much that the book's advice is no longer worthwhile…” He began. 

“You are such a troglodyte, how are we even related?”

“Well, Gabriel, if you’ll recall we aren’t reall-”

“Hush now. Ok, you listen to me. I want you to pitch that awful book, and don’t give me that look, I want you to throw it out. It’s only going to hinder you, seriously. We can blame your lack of progress on using that outdated garbage.” Gabriel had placed a hand Cas’s shoulder in an amicable way.

Castiel gave him a tight nod. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to throw out his book, but Gabriel didn’t need to know that. “It’s a matter of principle to me now, to collect these souls. Especially Dean’s. It’s the brightest thing I’ve ever seen, the sun pales in comparison, it’s good and it’s righteous and I must insist on more time to collect it.” 

Gabriel gave him a concerned eye. He looked Cas up and down with his lips pursed and a crease between his brows. “Good and righteous, huh? Well, that does sound yummy.” He took a step back and placed his hands on his hips. “Fine, I’ll leave you to it. But, you better to get to work soon, bro. The boss is gonna want a progress report next time I’m here and I better have something to show him, capice?”

Cas nodded solemnly. “Of course, I will.” He promised, though the words felt uncomfortable on his tongue. What was wrong with him? 

Gabe clapped his hands together then, a smile on his face. “Alright then! You get to it and I’ll see you in a few months. Love and kisses, Cassie!” And with a wink, he popped right back out of Cas’s apartment, as if he’d never been there in the first place.

Cas sighed wearily. That had been more taxing than he’d realized. How could he have let 3 months slip by unnoticed. His time up here was limited and he was wasting it! He picked up the plate that Gabriel had left on the counter and tossed it angrily into his sink. It clattered ominously in the bottom, but didn’t seem to break. He was disgusted with this whole endeavor. Gabriel had been right, he was a rule follower, had always followed the book, or Book in his case. Why was he suddenly having… doubts? As if what he was doing here wasn’t right.

Cas picked up his list on the counter and scanned it thoughtfully. He had been so focused on completing these tasks, that he’d forgotten his main goal for even being up here. He was a fool. He threw the slip of paper away from him in disgust and stormed out of the kitchen. He flopped onto his bed to lay on his stomach, face pressed into a pillow. How could he be having doubts? He’d lived for millenia as a demon, never once questioning the nature of his existence, and after only 3 months on Earth he was doubting his purpose. All thanks to some lowly human with green eyes and a soul like sunshine. He made a growling noise in the back of his throat and slammed his hand against the old springs of his mattress. 

He lay there in silence, mulling over his predicament for another half hour. He switched between anger at himself and anger at the Book, that had apparently failed him. Perhaps his doubts now were based from using incorrect information for the last hundred years. His thoughts tumbled after one another rapidly and he felt a melancholy settle over him. _Wonderful._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next is a lake weekend! That chapter may get split into two since I let it get away from me. It was meant to be a sweet interlude chapter and that's definitely not what happened. I was shooting for 80,000 words on this fic I think I'm gonna end up blowing that out of the water.


	5. “Daddy… what’s that sound?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for bearing with me here guys. I always re-read the previous chapter before posting the new one and apparently I'm still not quite up on my formatting. I updated the last chapter to make it easier to read. Thanks for keeping with me here! Anyways! This lake weekend was meant to be a cute interlude chapter and it turned into this giant monstrosity of fluff and angst. Let me know what you think! This is part 1 of like 2 1/2.

Two weeks after Castiel’s visit from Gabriel found Dean alternating between watching the dirt road before him and paddling lazily in the cool waters of the lake around him. Cas had seemed a little withdrawn the last couple weeks and so Dean had readily agreed when Sam asked if he wanted to visit the cabin that weekend. They hadn’t been here all summer and Dean was looking forward to seeing Cas in a bathing suit. Dean remembered with a smile the look Cas had given him when he’d asked him to come out here. His forehead scrunched up and he’d tilted his head in that way he did when he was confused. Dean had explained about their family cabin and how it was just a mini vacation to get them out of the city for a little bit. It had taken a little coaxing, but he’d agreed in the end. 

Dean laid backwards in the water and floated gently in a large circle. He loved it out here, the sounds of the wind in the trees and of birds calling to one another was incredibly relaxing. He had pleasant memories of coming here as a kid with his parents before his mom had died. He pushed that thought from his mind resolutely before it could take hold. He’d worked a hard week at the garage. The day before the weekend some asshole had barged into the bay while Dean was replacing a belt on some old junker and had proceeded to scream at him about a blown tire. Dean had tried his best to placate him before Bobby had came hurtling out of his office with fire in his eyes. Dean had had to take a short break after that and walk around the block. He’d wanted to knock the guy on his ass but the guy had looked like someone that would press charges and Dean didn’t need to go to jail because some jerk had flipped his lid.

He lifted his head and looked out at the road. Still nothing. He huffed unhappily and leaned back down into the cool water. The water here felt so blissful. It cooled the fire that always seemed to be simmering under his skin and he was thankful for it. He paddled himself a little further from the dock and looked upwards at the large white clouds that floated lazily by. A cabin weekend was just what he needed to get his head back on straight. The last month had been absolute torture for him. He had caught himself on more than one occasion with his eyes straying to follow Cas when he would move around the room. Or when he laughed, or smiled, or frowned, or did that head tilt, or really anytime for anything. Cas had noticed a couple of times, but he never commented on it. Dean had caught Cas doing it as well, but Dean always flushed happily when it happened. They’d been dancing around one another for weeks and the sheer cloud of sexual frustration was starting to strangle him. He was afraid that his poor dick was starting to get chafed from all the extra masturbating that he’d had to do just to relieve the ache. 

At the thought he felt a stirring in his trunks and he rolled his eyes at himself. _Quit that, now isn’t the time. Cas and Charlie will be here any minute._ As the thought made it’s way through his head a rumbling came to his ears from the road. He perked up almost instantly. He watched anxiously and sure enough, Charlie’s yellow car came pulling up the dirt track and came to a stop in front of the cabin. _They’re here!_

Dean swam smoothly over to the dock and hoisted himself up. He’d forgotten to bring a towel with him but he’d just have Sam grab him one from inside. He trotted over to where Charlie and Cas were unloading themselves from the car with their weekend bags. 

“Dean!” Charlie enthused. Her joy quickly turned to terror however when Dean’s gentle trot didn’t slow as he reached them. “No! Dean Winchester don’t you dare! Eeee!” Charlie squealed as Dean grabbed her in a large bear hug, completely soaking the front of her clothes. He spun her in a quick circle before releasing her with a grin. 

“You ass!” She shouted. She looked down at herself in irritation. “Uuuuuugh!” She grabbed her bags from the ground and stormed angrily inside the cabin. 

Dean watched her go with a sparkle of mirth in his eyes before turning his eyes towards Cas. Cas was looking between the front door and Dean in confusion and had just opened his mouth to ask a question when a mischievous smile from Dean halted him. Dean was nodding to him before Cas had even realized what was about to happen. It was as Dean stretched his arms towards him that he seemed to catch on.

“Dean…” He started as he took a hesitant step backward. 

He was too slow however and Dean lunged at him unexpectedly. Cas let out a loud “oof!” as Dean snatched him around the waist and lifted him in the air. “Dean!” He shouted, sounding absolutely scandalized. Dean was unrepentant and simply held Cas tighter to him. It was as Cas’s hands clamped around his shoulders to push him away that Dean considered that this may not have been a good idea. Cas’s chest was pressed firmly against his face and Dean was unfortunate enough to catch a whiff from the man’s cologne, or deodorant, or whatever it was. It hit him like a gunshot and his brain shorted out briefly as he thought, _Oh… that’s nice._ He could feel the coolness of Cas’s skin against his cheek and he had to restrain himself from nuzzling against it. It was during this moment of inattention that Cas managed to get some leverage on the mechanic and he twisted away triumphantly. He had misjudged how far from the ground he was however and in a convoluted mess of limbs the two men fell into an ungainly heap in the dirt by the car.

It was as they were trying to extricate themselves from one another that Sam appeared in the doorway of the cabin. The water from Dean’s skin had mixed with the loose dirt and gravel and he had muddy streaks across most of his body now. Ugh. Sam watched them nonplussed for a moment before walking across the porch and around the side of the house. Cas managed to find his feet and looked at Dean with his lips pulled into a deep frown. 

“Take a couple steps back, Cas!” Sam called out to him.

Dean looked around sharply at Sam who was standing beside the front porch, with an old green hose in his hands. Cas seemed confused but did as he was bid and Dean’s eyes widened when he realized what was about to happen. He held his hands up in an attempt to shield himself, but it was useless. A spray of freezing water hit him square in the face and he spluttered helplessly against it.

Sam’s face remained impassive as he thoroughly hosed Dean down, removing the dirt and mud that had accumulated from his tumble in the dirt. He turned it off after a time and stood looking at Dean with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. Dean wiped uselessly at his face in an attempt to wipe some of the water off of him.

He turned a deep frown onto Sam and flipped both middle fingers at him after he’d risen to his feet. Sam’s eyebrows rose up his forehead at the gesture and he lifted the head of the hose threateningly. Dean quickly raised his hands and made a flapping gesture at him. Sam had won that round. Dean was halfway towards a sulking fit when he heard a quiet snickering to his right. Her turned suspiciously to see Cas, hands wrapped around his sides and tears streaming down his face. He was laughing at him. Hey! He was laughing at him!

Dean shot him a dirty look and shook his hands at Cas, a few droplets that were running off of his body splattered the dark-haired man in the face but he didn’t seem to notice. Dean pursed his lips and gave him a shove in the shoulder. 

Cas held up a hand, asking for a moment, before straightening up. He wiped the water from his face and smoothed down the wrinkles in his clothes. A large gummy grin was plastered on his face and Dean found that he wasn’t as grumpy about the situation as he had originally thought. 

“I apologize for that.” Cas said after taking a couple large breaths. “But… your face!” And he dissolved into another fit of giggles. 

Then again, maybe grumpy WAS the right emotion for the situation. Dean rolled his eyes both at his brother and at Cas before bending to grab Cas’s bag and hauling it towards the cabin. Towel be damned. He flipped Sam off again when he passed him but hurried for the front door before Sam could retaliate with the hose. The rest of the morning and early afternoon was spent inside the cabin. Sam had been dusting it earlier and he returned to the task when he re-entered the building. Charlie was helping by taking the bedding out to shake the dust and the stale smell of disuse from them. Dean had commandeered the kitchen and was alternating between cleaning cabinets and preparing lunch. Cas floated between all of them, helping each in turn with what he could. It was a relaxing way to spend a day and Dean found that he was enjoying himself immensely. 

xxx

 

The drive to the cabin had been uneventful. He had alternated between chatting with Charlie about the kinds of activities one does at a cabin and looking wistfully out the window. He didn’t think he would ever tire of looking at the sky. There was only blackness overhead in Hell and the very idea that on Earth the sky was limitless, with large puffy clouds, or stars, or even planets was something he’d not quite moved past. He had been surprised by Dean’s offer to accompany the group out to the cabin that weekend but he had readily agreed. Gabriel’s chastising was still fresh in his mind and he admittedly had been a little more frosty with everyone than he had intended because of it. 

His eyes had caught then on a large white cloud shaped like a chicken and his mouth turned up at the corners. He found that he had become rather fond of birds and he pictured the large chicken cloud spreading its short wings and soaring across the sky. He knew they were flightless really, but the image seemed appropriate. Charlie had drawn his attention then and had engaged him in a conversation on the merits of swimming versus lounging in a deck chair. Castiel feigned knowledge of the subject in order to keep the conversation going and they soon found themselves outside a large cabin tucked neatly into a wooded area. A lake sprawled out before them and it’s glistening waters twinkled invitingly at him. 

He and Charlie were unloading their bags when the sound of footsteps caught his attention. Charlie greeted Dean with a smile and Cas’s eyes were drawn to the naked torso of the mechanic. He’d never seen him so disrobed before and he felt a heat rushing down his neck to jeans. Charlie shrieked and stormed away after getting soaked from Dean’s childish hug. Cas was distracted again by the man’s naked front as he turned towards him. He had only seen his back before but felt his mouth go dry at the sight of the man’s toned muscles. Water trickled slowly across his the planes and valleys of his skin and he watched one particularly enterprising drop travel from his neck to his navel.

Dean was looking at him and the predatory gleam in his eye caused a thrill of nerves to travel up his spine. “Dean…” He started to say but as the words were coming out of his mouth he found that he was suddenly snatched into the air, body held tightly against Dean’s. Admittedly, he had trouble catching his breath for a moment, but the feeling of water seeping through his clothes quickly became uncomfortable and he attempted to squirm out of the iron grip around him. He managed to get a hand on each of Dean’s shoulders to try and push himself away. The feeling of the sinewy muscles giving slightly under the pressure of his fingers startled him though and he lost his focus. He’d only ever been given friendly pats here and there, he’d never gripped anyone with such force before and it felt… wonderful. The image of Dean’s shoulders under his hands under much different circumstances came to mind and after that he was gone. The heat radiating off of Dean felt like home and he was surprised at the thought. He wasn’t sure what happened after that, but his moment of inattention ended in the two of them toppling over onto the ground underneath them.

Sam’s voice caught his attention as he stood and he glanced sideways at him. Sam was holding a large green… snake? And had it pointed towards Dean, where he sat on the ground. Cas quickly stepped backwards and watched in fascination as Sam sent a stream of water shooting from the end of the snake towards Dean. It pelted him in the face and the look of complete exasperation, coupled with the water running down Dean’s body, caused a slight hysteria to build in him. The look of annoyance and indignation on Dean’s face caused a sharp feeling of humor to steal over him. It started in his stomach and crawled upwards towards his chest and finally his throat. Before he realized it tears were running down his face as he attempted to contain his laughter. He wasn’t even sure what had been so funny, the look on Dean’s face had been humorous, sure. But, the combination of his flushed skin, having Dean pressed so tightly against him, toppling to the ground with him and then seeing Dean get sprayed in the face was causing a riot of emotions to chase themselves through his body. It seemed the only way for him to express the feelings was to laugh, uncontrollably.

He made an attempt at an apology but it quickly dissolved into more giggles. Anna would slap him across the face if she had heard him giggling and he was thankful that she wasn’t here to witness it. Dean had huffed at him before snatching his bag and making his way inside. Cas watched him go, his eyes dancing with humor. Once Dean’s back disappeared though, he realized he had a question, and he turned quickly to Sam. He would “test the waters” again with Sam as Charlie had called it. 

“Sam…” Cas started, suddenly unsure of how to phrase himself. 

Sam had turned his friendly hazel eyes towards him expectantly and Cas lowered his head against the pleasant look. He gestured towards where Dean had left inside the house before saying tentatively. 

“Dean… Dean’s torso… what are the markings?”

Sam looked startled. This was obviously not what he’d been expecting to hear. “Oh.” His mouth framed the word after a short time. “Dean, uh… he was in a fire when he was younger.”

Cas frowned at him. A fire? Had a fire caused the right side of Dean’s torso to look like marble? The image of the gnarled whorls of Dean’s skin came back crystal clear to his mind. He didn’t have any real-world experience with how fire treated a body. No one in Hell ever kept lasting marks from the torture they endured. It was as if it all started fresh the next day. Castiel had never actually seen a scar that he could remember. The smell of burnt flesh and the image of blistered skin came unbidden to his mind and he had to force himself not to recoil. People were often burnt in Hell, there was a reason for it. It hurt. It hurt a lot and it never stopped hurting. The screams of millions over the last millennia reached his ears as he thought about their faces. His job had never been to actively torture anyone, but he’d witnessed it happen thousands of time. 

“A fire…?” Cas finally asked. 

Sam’s head was bent and he scuffed a booted toe against the dirt below him. “Yeah, when we were kids. Dean was 4 when it happened. He was carrying me out of the house when his pajamas caught fire I guess. It killed our mom… and dad was never the same afterwards. From what I hear anyway.” Sam looked up at him sheepishly. “That’s how he messed up his vocal chords, trying to get through the smoke...:”

Cas felt a heavy weight settle around his heart and he held a hand to his chest lightly against the pain. He felt… strange. There was a burning behind his eyes and a tightness in his throat. Sadness. He felt sad. Hearing about what had happened to Dean. He had a clear image of a four year old Dean running frantically through a quaint family home as it burned down around him. His brother held tightly to his chest and tears in his startling green eyes. He must have been terrified, he was only a child, just a baby himself, really. And he’d carried his infant brother to safety in his arms and he had paid for it his with his voice and a pattern of scars marring the beautiful surface of his torso. He hated the feeling of the weight in his chest, he decided. He was grieving for a little boy who hadn’t existed in many years. Cas could see for himself the strength and joy that came from the man now and he did his best to focus on that instead of the feeling of overwhelming sadness threatening to claim him. 

He nodded tightly to Sam, indicating that he’d heard him. “I hadn’t realized…” 

Sam gave him a tight-lipped smile. “We don’t talk about it really. Just a heads up.”

“Thank you…” Cas almost whispered back. He was glad that he’d thought to ask Sam about this before Dean. The picture of a young Dean holding his brother came again to his eyes and he blinked it away. 

The rest of the day passed in relative peace. Charlie had begrudgingly forgiven Dean after she’d had a chance to change clothes. Sam explaining that he’d hosed Dean down after falling face first in the dirt hadn’t hurt to sway her opinion either. They cleaned out the cabin and got it ready for a weekend long habitation. There was a lot of dust in the room and Cas found that he often had to step outside to clear his sinuses. He sneezed a good deal more than he would have liked but eventually everything settled back down and they spent the rest of the evening on the dock near the lake. Charlie had brought lawn chairs for everyone, which they had all set up and grouped together in a loose circle. Dean passed out beers from a small cooler next to him and they all settled comfortably to watch the sun make its slow descent towards the horizon.

Cas felt a stillness to this thoughts that was unfamiliar. He was comfortable here, happy even. It was… peaceful. That was the word he was looking for, it was peaceful. He was surrounded by beautiful scenery with his friends close at hand. This was something he’d never really experienced before, Hell certainly hadn’t ever felt like this. In Hell there was always a low thrumming tension across everything, an activity that pounded against the mind and throbbed in the fingertips. Cas couldn’t ever remember a time when he didn’t feel anxious for something. But here, in this quiet place with the setting sun and his friends around him, he felt peaceful. His shoulders relaxed at this realization and he smiled against the lip of his bottle.

They chattered here and there about different topics, anything that caught their fancy. Charlie and Dean got into a large debate regarding the reliability of ODN conduits, whatever those were. Cas allowed his eyes to close and he simply listened to the sounds of nature and of Charlie’s impassioned voice.

It was late when they all finally decided to turn in. The sun had set long ago, but the warmth of the summer day had lingered and they were all comfortable for a while. Castiel less so, but he held his peace for as long as he could. The sleeping arrangements had been made earlier in the day and everyone puttered towards their rooms. Castiel was left with the couch, which he had assured everyone was quite alright. Sam’s bedroom was the farthest from the living room, apparently because he snored so loudly. Charlie’s was across from his, because she was such a heavy sleeper. And Dean’s was closest to the large family room where Castiel would be staying.

Cas tossed his large sweater with the giraffe on over his head and tucked his fingers into the sleeves. He felt better already. The breeze outside that the others had seemed to enjoy so much had chilled him to the bone and he was grateful for the warmth of his sweater. He snuggled under the covers that had been laid out on the large couch and he sighed contentedly. Dean was still puttering about the kitchen, putting away leftovers from dinner and probably grabbing a late night snack, knowing him. He passed by Cas on the way to his room and stopped to check on him.

”Comfy?” He asked.

“Yes, thank you.” Cas responded.

”You sure? Warm enough?” Dean pressed.

“Yes, Dean. I’m quite warm. This down comforter that you brought for me is very sufficient. It was very considerate.” Cas added as he pulled said comforter closer to his chin.

Dean paused here. He looked as if he was going to ask something else but seemed to think better of it. ”Alright. Night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.”

Cas watched him retreat to the hallway and gave a little smile at the man’s back. His concern was endearing. Dean was always so worried about taking care of everyone. He reminded Castiel of a mother hen. The image of Dean covered in feathers popped into his mind and he smiled at the thought. He drifted to sleep with more and more ridiculous scenarios involving the Mother Dean Hen flitting across his mind.

He was woken several hours later by a quiet thumping sound. The noise was irregular and pulled Cas from sleep gently. He blinked blearily a couple of times, trying to clear the fog from his brain. A knock was added to the thumping and Cas’s eyes shot open at the sound. He was awake almost instantly after that, senses on high alert. Was there an intruder? Someone… or something trying to get in? He sat upright quickly to assess his surroundings. The peaceful sounds of the woods at night greeted him. There was silence in the cabin, nothing out of place and nothing trying to come in. Another thump drew his attention and his head swiveled towards it. It was coming from down the hall.

He rose from his prone position on the couch and crouched lowly next to it. He turned an ear towards the sound and listened again. Another knock-thump. He squinted in suspicion and padded silently from the living room into the hallway. It seemed like the sound was coming from Dean’s room. A panic gripped his chest and he had to will himself to still. He took a deep breath and placed a tentative hand on the door knob to Dean’s bedroom. He steeled himself against what might be inside and opened it slowly. 

Dean lay on the bed, tangled in his sheets, head thrown back against his pillows and a frown marring his face. Cas felt a blush creep to his face at the sight of it, it was an erotic sight to say the least. There was a fine sheen of sweat covering the Dean’s forehead and the tendons in his throat stood out sharply. A sliver of moonlight had filtered through the curtain in here and cast everything into soft shadows. Cas almost stepped back out, sure that he had walked in on something intimate when the thump came again. He snapped his head back around. 

Oh. Ohohoh. This wasn’t intimate, this wasn’t something erotic. Dean was having a nightmare! And a bad one from the looks of it. The thumping sound was his arms beating against his mattress and the knocking was his foot hitting the footboard of the bed. Cas hesitated here. He had no experience with this type of situation. He should probably get Sam. He would know what to do, surely. He was just about to turn away when a soft whimper reached his ears. He looked back over at the sleeping form of Dean and he felt his resolve crumble. He couldn’t leave him like this.

Against his better judgement he stepped inside the room and closed the door with a soft “snick”. He took a steadying breath before facing back to the room. He wasn’t sure what he needed to do, but the first step had to be waking Dean from this nightmare. He padded slowly, on socked feet, towards the prone form of the man. He hesitated near the edge of the bed. He felt guilty for thinking that Dean looked beautiful right now. His terror was obvious, but the way the moon was casting his body into soft focus was enchanting. He wished that he was seeing it under different circumstances. Dean had removed his shirt and his single loose sheet had hitched itself down his body and was twisted around his hips. Cas studied the marbled effect his scarred skin had versus the smooth planes the rest held. Another soft whimper drew his attention back to the present. Now wasn’t the time for this, Dean needed help.

Cas stepped forward cautiously and sat on the edge of the narrow bed. He extended a hand hesitantly before wrapping it against Dean’s bicep. The heat under his palm was almost staggering and he sucked in a quick breath. He blinked a couple of times to clear his mind. He shook Dean gently, saying his name softly.

“Dean… Dean, wake up. Dean, wake up, please…” 

It seemed that the nightmare had it’s claws in rather tightly and Cas frowned. He shook Dean more insistently. “Dean. Wake up. Dean. Dean!”

A sharp inhale was the response to this final uttering of Dean’s name. The sweat-soaked men sat bolt upright upon waking and looked around bewildered. Cas saw the vision of whatever horrors Dean was experiencing fade slowly from his eyes. The man was breathing heavily, eyes wild and wary. It was several seconds before he seemed to notice Cas sitting next to him. His green eyes widened when they finally met Cas’s blue ones. Cas watched his forehead crinkle in confusion. Dean’s eyes slammed closed tightly and he took a few more deep breaths. 

Cas’s hand was still wrapped around Dean’s bicep, but the other man hadn’t seemed to notice. Cas loosened his grip and made to pull away and Dean’s eyes flew open again. He looked panicked and searched Cas’s face pleadingly. Cas was confused by this but he continued to move his hand away from the man. Dean lurched forward then and wrapped himself around Castiel. Cas was startled by this, it was definitely not the reaction he had been expecting. 

He could feel Dean’s hot breaths against the side of his neck where Dean had buried his head. The man felt like a furnace, the heat rolling off of him enveloped Castiel and his own eyes fluttered closed at the feeling. Cas wasn’t sure what to do with his hands but he tentatively brought them up and around Dean’s back. He rubbed a soothing circle against his spine with a palm that Dean shivered into. _That must feel nice…_ he thought. He continued this gentle and silent assurance. Dean’s breathing slowly evened out and the tremors that had gone through him settled after a time. Still, Castiel rubbed the circles against his spine and let Dean find whatever comfort he could with him. He knew that he probably wasn’t what Dean needed but he did his best.

After another fifteen minutes, Dean loosened his grip from around Castiel’s back and leaned away. Castiel immediately regretted the loss of his heat but he let him go without a fuss. Dean’s eyes were cast downwards at his hands that were now resting in his lap. He looked up sheepishly at Castiel from under his eyelashes before signing to him sloppily.

”Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for, Dean?” Castiel asked in surprise.

”I didn’t mean to wake you up…” He gripped the sheets on his lap tightly for a moment and took a deep breath. ”That hasn’t happened in a while.”

Castiel searched his face, or what he could see of it from this vantage point. “Would… would you like to talk about it?”

Dean shook his head emphatically no. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a minute before meeting Cas’s stare evenly. He gave Cas a tight smile and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. ”Thank you.”

Cas was shaking his head again, a wry smile on his own face. “There’s no need for that, Dean. I’m your friend, that’s what friends do.” Cas wasn’t sure how he knew this information, but it sounded correct and he felt right in saying so.

Dean nodded a couple times in agreement though he looked like he hadn’t quite heard him. They sat in silence for another long minute before Dean asked almost reluctantly, ”You feel cold. Do you need another blanket?”

Cas didn’t want to admit that he’d been more or less comfortable before coming in here. Now, that he knew how hot Dean really seemed to run though he DID feel cold. The feeling of that heat had warmed him down to his core and he had felt so much better for it. He stifled a shiver that tried to run through him at the memory of the warmth he had gotten from Dean’s broad shoulders.

“I’m fine.” Cas wasn’t sure what to do now. He wanted to offer to stay with Dean, but he wasn’t sure that that would be considered appropriate. He could feel the delicate tendrils of heat creeping towards him from Dean’s flushed skin but he resisted the urge to reach towards him. He stood slowly and looked towards the man still sitting on the bed. He seemed much smaller now than he had before but he couldn’t figure out why. 

Cas placed a comforting hand against Dean’s shoulder and gave him a friendly pat. “Are you ok?” He asked lamely.

Dean nodded glumly. It might have been Cas’s imagination but it felt like Dean was leaning into the contact on his shoulder and he kept a smile from his face. He gave him a squeeze before taking a step back and out of reach.

“I’m just in the other room. You know, if you need anything.” 

Dean nodded again and gave him another tight smile. Cas desperately wanted to ask if he could stay. But, Dean didn’t ask him and he wasn’t versed enough in these intimate interactions to make a judgement call like that. He gave Dean a single nod and turned to leave. He stood in the doorway for a moment longer than necessary and looked back at the quiet mechanic on his bed. He wasn’t looking at Castiel anymore and Cas wasn’t sure if he felt sad about that or not.

He closed the door quietly behind him as he stepped back into the hall. His head hung low as he made the short walk back to his couch. It didn’t look as inviting now as it had earlier and he wasn’t sure why. It seemed that his thoughts had stayed in that bedroom with Dean, along with all the warmth in the cabin. Cas sunk back under the sheets and shivered at the feeling of the chilled blankets against his skin. He stared at the wooden ceiling above him and wondered if Dean would be able to fall back asleep that night.

xxx

It was the same dream. It was exactly the same as it always was. Even down to the “I wuv hugs” teddy bear shirt. Dean wanted to sigh at his subconscious. He must not be very imaginative, because he experienced these horrors with regularity and they were almost as familiar to him as Sam’s ridiculous hair or Jo’s whip smart humor.

A roaring, like a freight train, met his ears. _Here we go…_ he thought. And with that one sound, he was in it. He opened bleary four-year old eyes in the darkness of his room. He was confused, something had woken him up, but he wasn’t sure what it had been. He looked around nervously, afraid of some monster creeping from his closet, or perhaps crawling over the bed. Nothing looked out of place though and he rubbed a tiny fist against his eye to try and wake himself.

The roaring was growing in volume and he frowned at the noise. He crawled out from under his covers and plopped unsteady feet onto the floor. He’d go check with mommy and daddy and see what was wrong. They might even let him stay in their room the rest of the night! His toddler legs carried him towards his door and with each step his trepidation grew. Something was wrong, he knew it, he knew something was horribly, horribly wrong. He didn’t know what though. He reached for his doorknob and it felt warm to the touch. That was strange, but his sleep-addled brain didn’t pick up on it. He pulled open his bedroom door and peeked out into the hallway. There was a light coming from under Sam’s nursery door. But, it wasn’t so unusual that one of his parents had gotten up to take care of Sammy, he was only a baby after all. 

Dean trotted down the hall towards his parents bedroom. The door was ajar, like it always was, just in case he had bad dreams and needed to see them. He pushed it open cautiously and spied the sleeping form of his father on the bed. He felt better already. Though the noise had only gotten louder down here… 

Dean walked over to the dark lump that was his father under the blankets and pushed gently on his stomach. “Daddy… daddy, wake up!”

John gave a mumbled reply and blinked his eyes sleepily at his oldest son. 

“Daddy… what’s that sound?”

That seemed to stir John a little more and he reached out a hand to ruffle his son’s hair. “Wha’? What’s up, champ? Trouble sleeping again?”

“Dad… the noise…?” Dean persisted.

John sat upright and pulled Dean towards him by his armpits. Dean wrapped young arms around John’s neck and leaned close to his father’s neck. He inhaled deeply and felt better immediately, he was safe now, Dad would take care of whatever was wrong.

John patted his son comfortingly on the back before swinging his legs off the side of the bed. “Let’s see where your mom wandered off to, hm?” He stood easily and hoisted Dean a little higher in his arms, strengthening his hold. Dean shifted a little to lay his head on his father’s shoulder and look out ahead of them. 

And then, as was the way with dreams, the next few moments were a confusing jumble of images and sounds. Dean remembered how the events had transpired, but in this dream world it was hard to say how he’d gotten from point A to point B. There was the roaring of the flames from Sam’s bedroom, his dad’s slow walk to the nursery, screaming from his father upon seeing his mother’s still form on the floor, Sam’s pleading cries. It was a mess of confusion and fear, just like the real incident. A clear image of the wall of flames eating the curtains off the rods from Sam’s nursery came to his mind and he felt nauseous at the sight. Then the feeling of John shoving tiny Sammy into his arms and demanding he got out of the house. Dean’s fear was almost crippling and he paid for his terror dearly. He stood rooted to the spot, watching his father try to rouse his mother enough to get her out of the house as well. He was jolted back to attention however by a stinging sensation on his torso. The flames had crept around the walls and licked out at him. One particularly nasty ember had broken away from the raging inferno and landed on his shirt, it had quickly burnt a hole in the fabric and was causing the entire thing to heat against his skin. That seemed to be just the kick he needed for he was running almost immediately after. His only thought was getting himself and his brother out of harm’s way. 

He skidded around a corner and was hurtling down the stairs as quickly as his small feet would carry him. Sam was a tightly wrapped bundle in his arms that was screaming into his ear. The heat from his shirt was almost blinding now and he shifted Sam away from it as best he could. His small sweaty hand slipped once twice, three times on the doorknob before he was able to get it open. His dream always neglected the scene of him getting the door unlocked, perhaps the memory was too hazy now for that detail. He sprinted onto the law where the cool dew of the grass kissed his bare feet. He didn’t know where to go once he was out here though and he collapsed halfway between the house and the sidewalk. He placed Sammy down on the ground as gently as he could before laying facedown on the wet ground himself. It seemed to cool the raging pain that was consuming his mind and he laid for as long as he could before sitting back up to grab Sammy. 

Sam’s screams had apparently woken the neighbors as a couple of them come trotting out of their houses, robes tied neatly around their waists. Flames were pouring out of the upper windows of the house now and he was vaguely aware of the neighbors shouting to one another. Now, that the adrenaline was wearing off he was finding that he was having trouble seeing. He blinked large tears out of his small green eyes and sniffled quietly. They stung but he couldn’t rub them while he was holding Sam. He buried his face against the soft blanket that swaddled his brother and tried to inhale a deep breath. His throat protested the action however and he found himself in the middle of a coughing fit, one that he couldn’t seem to stop. That finally drew the attention of the people milling about outside. The blazing inferno of the house had drawn all their attention away from the small boy and the screaming infant, but Dean’s coughing seemed to break the spell for them.

One of them hurried over and tried to take Sam from Dean’s hands and though Dean couldn’t protest around his mouthful of smoke and his hacking coughs he fought against them with a savageness they were unprepared for. Dad had made Sam his responsibility and he wasn’t going to let him down. Dad had… Dad! Mom! They were still in there! He had to tell them!

He willed his coughs to slow and tried to open his mouth to speak. But, at this point in the dream, reality always started to bend around the edges. Instead of words coming from Dean’s mouth a billowing black smoke poured out instead, wrapping up higher and higher into the sky until it blended in with the inky blackness overhead. He watched in terror as what should have been pleas for help became the very smoke and ash he had run from. His body felt rigid with horror. How did that come from him? Was this because he wasn’t fast enough? Because he didn’t listen to his dad and run out immediately? He had been too slow, too scared! And now he was paying for it. His body felt heavy, weighed down with guilt and full to the brim with the smoke that he had pulled into his lungs. 

That self-deprecating thought was usually the point in the dream where he relived the greatest disappointments of his life, starring him as the instigator of them all. Always too slow, too weak, too this, too that to ever do anything to help himself or anyone around him. Failing at every relationship he’d ever been in, pushing away as many of his close friends as he could get away with, all of the vile and disreputable things he’d ever done.

He was broken from the dream-induced self-loathing by a gentle pressure on his biceps. A coolness that he wasn’t familiar seeped into his subconscious and soothed his riotous thoughts. The roiling fire in his blood eased somewhat and he was able to pull himself with a snap to consciousness. He sat upright with a sharp breath and looked around himself in a panic.

He had expected to see flames, smoke, perhaps the still form of his mother lying across from him on the floor. It took a moment for his muddled brain to catch up to him. He focused on the feeling of that cool pressure against his arm and he used it to ground him. That’s when he noticed Cas sitting on the bed in front of him. The guy looked… confused and terrified. He was wearing that stupid giraffe sweater and the dewy eyes of the creature looked at him mournfully from Cas’s chest. He glanced up at Cas’s terror stricken face, it wasn’t an expression he had ever seen on the other man’s face and he focused on the blue eyes before him acutely. Cas was here, he was awake, they were at the cabin, everything was ok.

Dean closed his eyes tightly and took several steadying breaths. He felt the hand around his arm loosen its grip and start to pull away. He looked back up sharply and focused on the face of the other man in confusion. Cas was still moving away from him and Dean wasn’t sure what to do about the loss of the grounding presence he was anchoring himself to. But, he knew that he couldn’t lose that anchor just yet, he wasn’t ready. Without much forethought Dean lunged forward and gripped the startled Cas in a tight embrace. Dean nuzzled down into Cas’s neck and inhaled deeply. His smell was like the ocean after a stormy night and Dean felt himself relax into it. 

His body was trembling and he knew it, hated himself for it, but couldn’t do anything about it yet. Cas felt like a northern breeze on a summer’s day and he reveled in the feeling of the waves of cool rolling off of him. No wonder the guy liked those stupid sweaters so much, his skin felt like it was just out from an hour in the arctic. Once his brain slowed down from its sprint across memory lane he became aware of the fact that Cas was rubbing soothing circles onto his back. He had to physically restrain himself from falling into the other’s man embrace completely, it would have been only too easy to melt into him. After a time, his tremors ceased and he reluctantly pulled away.

He felt embarrassed now that his nightmare had woken Castiel from his place on the couch. And then for the fact that he’d basically assaulted the guy with that lunging hug. His felt his cheeks heat against his will and couldn’t bring himself to look up from his hands. He apologized quickly which seemed to surprise the other man. 

“What are you sorry for, Dean?” Castiel asked.

”I didn’t mean to wake you up… That hasn’t happened in a while.” He was absolutely mortified, whatever opinion Cas must have had of him before, it couldn’t be good now. He could feel Castiel’s eyes on him now as if they were lasers directed into his brain.

“Would… would you like to talk about it?” _Hell fucking no!_ Dean thought grimly.

”Thank you.” Was all he could think to muster up to say with a shake of his head. 

“There’s no need for that, Dean. I’m your friend, that’s what friends do.” Cas said with a small smile and half a head tilt.

Dean fidgeted with the blankets for a minute, trying to think of something to say. Thank you didn’t seem big enough for breaking him out of that nightmare induced terror. He grabbed at the only thing that seemed to be on repeat in his head. ”You feel cold. Do you need another blanket?”

Cas seemed to consider the question for a moment. His head tilted the other way while he mused on his answer before settling on, “I’m fine.” 

Dean felt pathetic. He’d obviously made Cas uncomfortable and despite the fact that he desperately wanted Cas to stay there was no way he could ask a favor like that. They’d been friends for a few months but he wouldn’t have even asked Charlie to do something like that. Hell, he wouldn’t have asked SAM to do that for him. He was a grown-ass man for crying out loud. Just because he’d been four years old in his dream didn’t mean that he needed to act like it now.

Dean was startled back to reality by the feeling of a cool hand against his shoulder. He chanced a glance up at Cas under his eyelashes. 

“Are you ok?” Cas asked kindly.

Dean nodded glumly. He did his honest best not to put any weight onto the hand against his shoulder, he really, truly, honestly did. But, he had never claimed to be a strong man. And so he leaned maybe just a teeny tiny bit against the last lingering moment of comfort he could get from this interaction. He did his level best to memorize the feeling that spread through his body at the contact, like dipping himself into a large cool lake.

“I’m just in the other room. You know, if you need anything.” Cas offered to him by way of parting. 

Dean nodded again and gave him a tight smile. Dean desperately wanted to ask if he would stay. But, he didn’t know Cas intimately like that. Even if he had, he doubted he’d want to show that kind of weakness. Dean felt Cas move away from him towards the door. His own body heat wrapping around him like layers of wool blankets. Dean refused to watch Cas go, though he noticed him lingering in the doorway before exiting. Probably checking to make sure Dean didn’t have another freakout that he would need to be babysat through. God, he’d felt embarrassed for calling the guy “Angel” before but it felt appropriate now. Cas, helping the helpless. Or hopeless… what was the tagline for that show again…? He closed his eyes to reprimand himself sharply. He was getting distracted. 

Dean listened to the door close shut with a soft “snick” and he let out a deep sigh. He’d really screwed the pooch tonight. If he’d ever had hope of getting in Cas’s good graces, and then Cas’s good pants, he had well and truly ruined those now. What must he have looked like to the other man? Sitting here pitifully on this bed, sheets wrapped around his legs and a nightmare from his childhood haunting him. _Nice one, Winchester. Real nice. And then throwing yourself at him like that!_ Dean scrubbed two hands forcefully against his face. 

Dean threw himself back against the bed with a soft “thwump!”. He angrily smashed his pillow into a more comfortable shape and placed his hands under his head. He hadn’t had a nightmare like that in a long time. It was probably from being in the cabin again after being gone so long. He often times had trouble sleeping here, his brain associated it with his family, happy and whole, and those thoughts always seemed to lead to… that night. He frowned at himself and doubted he’d be getting back to sleep tonight. He stared at the wooden ceiling above him and wondered if Cas would be able to fall back asleep either.

xxx

Cas was startled awake rather suddenly by a loud clanging from the kitchen. He sat upright quickly and threw the blankets off of himself in a flurry. He looked around himself furiously, prepared for an incoming attack. His gaze finally landed on a sheepish looking Sam, standing alone in the kitchen with a cringe on his face. 

Sam glanced over at him and his eyes widened minutely. “Dude… your eyes…” 

Cas realized his mistake quickly and shook his head. Using the movement to cover the fact that his eyes had been black a second before. He looked back up at Sam with a crinkle in his brows and his head tilted to the right. He hoped he looked confused and not guilty.

“What about them?” He asked gruffly.

“Oh… uh-well, they… heh, guess that noise startled me too. Must have been a trick of the light!” He turned back towards the counter and bent to pick up the metal pan that had just fallen from a cabinet. ‘Sorry for the rude awakening, Cas. I was trying to sneak in here to make coffee for everyone.” He shrugged good-naturedly.

Cas was annoyed but found that he wasn’t as angry as he wanted to be. His near-miss with the eyes had startled him. He shrugged in return and held a hand up against a jaw cracking yawn. He blinked quickly to try and clear his head a little, too little avail. He padded silently into the kitchen and took a seat at the small nook table.

“So, how’d you sleep?” Sam asked him over his shoulder as he poured coffee grounds into an ancient looking decanter.

Cas thought back briefly to his night-time interaction with the man’s older brother. Probably not something he should mention, he guessed. “Very well, thank you.”

Sam nodded to himself a couple times. “I remember many a night falling asleep on that couch when I was younger.” He looked a little wistfully at the rumpled blankets on said couch. “Glad I didn’t keep you up. I don’t think I snore all that bad but from the way Dean tells it I might as well be running power tools in my room all night.” He laughed here quietly. “Jess always sides with Dean.” He added thoughtfully.

Cas wasn’t sure if this statement required a response so he kept his peace for the moment. He was watching Sam’s hands eagerly as the other man prepared their coffee.

“Speaking of, Jess and Jo will be here this afternoon. That is, if they haven’t killed one another on the drive up before then.” Cas watched Sam’s face, but he didn’t look particularly concerned so he assumed it was a joke. He then patted himself on the back (another human gesture!) for being able to read Sam’s facial expressions to give him a clue about the situation. He was so good at being human. Or… “pretending” to be human. Yes, he was so good at pretending to be human.

Silence fell over them while Sam finished the prep work and Cas waited to reap the benefits. It wasn’t uncomfortable though, which eased his mind somewhat. Sam had obviously forgotten that he’d witnessed Cas’s eyes turn black that morning and Cas had to withhold a sigh of relief.

It was as Sam was pouring he and Cas a cup of coffee that Charlie stumbled from down the hallway. The hair on the right side of her head was plastered close to her face, as if she’d slept on that side, while the other was in complete disarray. She was wearing loose pajama pants with the “Wonder Woman” logo stamped on them and a wrinkled t-shirt with a blue police box on it. She took one look at the coffee cups on the counter and squinted her eyes with purpose.

Sam almost immediately snatched another cup from the cabinet and poured her a measure of the black liquid. He handed the cup to her silently and she grabbed eagerly at it. She inhaled its flavor deeply before taking a tentative sip. During Cas’s examination of Charlie’s behavior, Sam had brought their own cups over to the nook table and set them down softly. He had deposited a bowl of sugar and a small container of a cream earlier. He set about preparing his own coffee with cream and sugar, casting mirth filled eyes towards Charlie. 

She had just finished her own cup and set the cup down triumphantly before placing her hands on her hips. “Sam Winchester, if you were a woman I’d kiss you!”

Sam chuckled at that and rolled his eyes towards her. “You’re welcome, Charlie.”

She turned her beam from Sam to Cas and the other almost winced away from the joy emanating from the woman. “For someone who works early morning hours in a coffee shop you really aren’t a morning person, huh?”

Cas merely hunched his shoulders towards his ears and sipped his own coffee, sugar no cream, and didn’t respond. 

That didn’t seem to deflate Charlie in the slightest and she launched into a discussion with Sam about how strange it was to sleep out here in the forest. Cas tuned them out, focusing instead on the warmth pooling in his belly and against his fingers from the cup held tightly in his hands. 

Eventually, Charlie retreated back towards her room to get cleaned up with a cheerful wave to the both of them. Sam stood to do the same and Cas was left alone at the table, nursing his second cup of coffee. 

He looked out of the window to his left and pictured what it must have been like growing up here, on Earth. Cas tried to picture himself younger, perhaps chasing Anna and Gabriel up and down the dock near the lake. Splashing one another in the water, then coming inside happy and sleepy from all their activity to fall asleep together bunched up like puppies on the couch. It was a rather frivolous daydream. Picturing Anna engaged in any sort of folly was laughable in and of itself. He looked back down morosely into his coffee cup and frowned. He shouldn’t even be thinking things like this, he was here to do a job.

He thought furtively about his encounter last night with Dean. He was worried that that interaction would change something about their relationship and he was nervous about seeing him that morning. Would Dean be embarrassed? Angry at Cas for witnessing a moment of weakness? Dean was always very worried about his “macho exterior” as Sam called it. Cas hoped that Dean wouldn’t be too upset with him for waking him from that nightmare. He’d stayed awake for hours last night thinking about the haunted look in Dean’s eyes. The occasional image of Dean’s head thrown back against the pillows and his sweat soaked hands grasping the sheets around him creeped in, only under much different circumstances. 

Cas missed Dean’s entrance into the kitchen until the man had plopped down in front of him at the table. He had his own cup of coffee, cream no sugar, and was trying to avoid Cas’s eye. After a quiet pause Dean finally chanced a glance at him.

”Morning, sunshine.” He signed with a small smile.

Cas rolled his eyes at the other man. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean toyed with the handle of his mug before taking a small sip of the beige liquid. He grimaced slightly at it and set it back down on the table. Cas watched as the man chewed his lip thoughtfully for a moment before turning sad eyes towards him. 

”Listen… I’m really sorry, man.”

Cas frowned at him in disapproval. “We had this discussion already. There’s nothing to apologize for.” Dean made a move as if he was going to continue and Cas pinned him with a steely stare. “It’s too early for this, Winchester.”

Dean grinned at him with a gleam in his green eyes and held up his hands in surrender. 

Cas nodded at him once before continuing his examination of the insides of his coffee cup. They sat in silence like that until a freshly showered Sam wandered back into the room. Dean proceeded to make a snide comment about the length of Sam’s hair and Cas felt relief wash over him, things were normal.

xxx

Jo and Jess showed up about mid-morning, both of them hooting and hollering at the top of their lungs. Dean smiled from his position near the dock at the cacophony they made coming up the drive. They were an absolute mess when they got together, each bringing out the wild-child characteristics of the other. He turned from his perusal of the still water before him to watch as Jess’s small silver car made it up the drive.

Sam immediately came bounding out of the house at the sound of his wife coming up the drive. The two were so disgustingly in love that being apart for more than a couple hours at a time made them both miserable. He watched as Sam bounced from foot to foot waiting for her to park and get out of the car. He was happy for him, maybe a little jealous, but happy that he was so happy.

Charlie and Cas exited the cabin at a more sedate pace and waited patiently on the porch for the newcomers to unload and make their way inside. The place was going to be a little cramped with all of them there but Charlie and Jo had agreed to bunk together (and Dean was a little suspicious about that) but at least the sleeping arrangements wouldn’t change too much.

Dean wandered over to the car and grabbed a “weekend bag” from the trunk. It was a fussy girly thing with a bright floral print on it so he assumed it was Jess’s. She and Sam were whispering to one another softly while looking deeply into each other's eyes, like they’d been separated for months instead of hours and Dean only barely managed to hold in an eye roll. 

He gave Jo a clap on the shoulder as he passed her and meandered into the cabin to dump Jess’s bag on the bed in Sam’s room. He felt Cas’s eyes on him as he walked past the man and he did his best to act calm and nonchalant about it. Just the same, he felt a coolness smooth down his spine that made him shiver minutely at the thought of those blue eyes peering so intently at him.

He thought briefly of the feeling of Cas’s large hands working circles into his back and he closed his eyes at the memory. That had been a hell of a way to wake up. Dean tried to force his brain away from that path as the image of Cas’s features, softened by moonlight, drifted to the forefront of his mind. He’d had that little crease between his brows that he got when he was confused and his mouth was pulled down with worry. He’d been so focused on Dean, that laser intense stare seeming to peer right through him. Another shiver traveled down his spine and he shrugged his shoulders a couple of times to shake off the tingling sensation that was working its way under his skin.

He’d been nervous that morning when he’d made his way out of his room. He’d managed to snatch a few extra hours of sleep, thankfully more restful than before, after Cas had left. He’d fretted in the room upon waking, pacing it’s length a number of times before working up the courage to go into the kitchen. What if Cas was pitying him? Or looking down on him for being so sensitive? Cas’s opinion had become very important to him and he hadn’t realized how much so until that moment. _What if he doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore? I embarrassed myself, made myself look like a complete fool… Nice one, Dean. I could pretend nothing had happened, or brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal? Or thank him for helping with a smile? How do I handle these types of situations with friends that are really crushes? For all I know Cas isn’t even gay. Not that that matters at the moment, but…_ His thoughts continued to tumble over one another for another fifteen minutes before he frowned angrily at himself and wrenched his bedroom door open resolutely. He hadn’t ever been a coward and he wasn’t going to start today.

The sight of Cas sitting stoically in the kitchen halted his progress momentarily. He looked so peaceful, framed against the window in the early morning light. The light touched around the edges of his profile and gave him a slightly ethereal glow. Dean felt the air in his lungs leave in a whoosh! And he was surprised Cas didn’t turn at the sound. _He’s beautiful. So incredibly beautiful…_ Dean felt his heartbeat pick up at that and he swallowed convulsively. He could go talk to him, nothing had really changed. They were still friends, there was no reason this should be weird. Even still, his footsteps felt a little shaky as he made his way over to the table where Cas was seated.

He needed a cup of coffee first, before the possible train wreck of this conversation got started. He busied himself in the kitchen, trying to work quickly and quietly. He snatched a small blue cup from the cabinet and poured a measure of the black coffee into it. Sam never made it strong enough so he’d likely need another cup after this. He added a small amount of cream to the cup, snatching the carton from the cooler rather than using the bottle set out on the table in front of Cas. 

He took another deep steadying breath before plopping down at the table across from Cas. The other man looked startled at his sudden appearance and Dean wondered briefly where his thoughts had been. Dean took a moment to collect himself before greeting Cas with a small smile. The other man was clearly not a morning person and Dean held back a smile at his gruff reaction to the greeting. _Now or never, Big D..._

“Listen… I’m really sorry, man.”

Dean felt that was a fairly safe place to start. He paused to gauge Cas’s reaction to his apology and was slightly taken aback by Cas’s response. Cas had frowned deeply and then shut him down swiftly. Dean had tried weakly to continue but was cut off by a low growl from Cas that sounded something like, “It’s too early for this, Winchester.”

Dean had felt himself grinning over at the other man then. Cas was nothing if not a man of his word, and he must have meant what he said when he told him not to apologize last night. He held up his hands in a pacifying gesture and Cas humphed across from him. Dean tried to wipe the smile from his face but it seemed reluctant to leave and he allowed it to grace his features for a while longer. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his chest that he hadn’t realized was there. Everything was fine between them, nothing had changed last night. The relief was immense and he smiled happily at his coffee cup before looking outside at the brightening morning. 

He was broken from his reverie by a shout from outside. He shook his head and made his way out of Sam’s room and picked his way quickly back through the cabin out to all the commotion outside. He peeked carefully around the screen door and onto the porch, wary from many years of dealing with this group of what kind of hijinks they’d gotten up to while he was away. 

It looked like they had all migrated away from the cars and were now huddled around the deck. Dean frowned and stepped out of the cabin, trying to discern what was happening. Sam had his back against the lake and had his hands in front of him in a placating gesture. The three girls had him surrounded and were advancing on him slowly, each looking more menacing than three small women should. _Oh no, poor Sam…_ Thought Dean, though he wasn’t the least bit concerned for him. He cocked a crooked smile and sauntered over to the assembled people slowly. 

“Come on guys…” Sam was saying hesitantly. “Joke’s over, I get it.”

“Why, Samuel, whatever do you mean?” Jo asked in a sickly sweet voice.

Sam narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously.

“Darling, you look uncomfortable! Almost as if you don’t trust us!” Jess shouted in mock concern.

“Listen, you know I’ll take you all in with me if you even fucking try it.” Sam finally snapped at them.

“Tally-ho!” Charlie shouted at the top of her lungs. At her ridiculous war cry the 3 women descended on him in a flurry and Sam gave a very pathetic yelp of terror. 

Dean huffed quietly at their rough housing and glanced towards Cas with a smile. His laughter died in his throat however when he caught the look on Cas’s face. He looked absolutely horrified and Dean felt a wave of concern wash over him. He took a half-step towards him when a loud splash and a round of enthusiastic cheering grabbed his attention. It seemed the girls had been successful in wrestling Sam into the water. His mess of moppy hair bobbed up out of the water almost immediately, all of it in his eyes and obscuring his face from view.

The girls were crowing with delight and Sam was alternating between pushing his hair out of his eyes and flipping them all the bird. Dean quirked another smile but turned again to Cas. The other man had taken a few steps backwards and his hands were clenched tightly at his sides. Dean took a few slow steps towards him, careful not to spook him. He placed a tentative hand on Cas’s shoulder and felt the other man tense slightly and turn wild eyes towards him. He seemed to calm somewhat when he saw Dean and he relaxed his posture and loosened his fists. 

The girls were in the process of high-fiving and throwing some off-handed taunts towards Sam, who was currently pulling himself up out of the water with a frown. Dean ignored them in favor of taking a half-step in front of Cas, shielding him from the girls and the water, if only marginally. That seemed to help him snap out of whatever trance he’d been in and he looked back at Dean with more lucid eyes. He looked a little embarrassed and lowered his head to avoid Dean’s eyes. 

Dean tapped his shoulder to get his attention but Cas kept his face tilted down. Dean frowned at him and tapped again on his shoulder. Still, nothing. Finally, Dean raised his finger to tap obnoxiously at Cas’s forehead, which seemed to finally get through to him. Cas looked up at him in irritation and Dean hid a triumphant smile in favor of signing to him.

“What’s wrong?”

Cas shook his head a little and gave Dean a wry grin. “I’m fine, it’s nothing.”

”Oh bullshit. Come on, man, what is it?”

Cas hedged for a moment, looking evasive before his shoulders slumped a little in defeat. “Well, I suppose you’d find out anyway. I, uh… I...well it’s ridiculous really, but... I don’t know how to swim.”

This hadn’t been what Dean was expecting and his surprise must have been evident on his face. Cas frowned at him and hunched his shoulders up defensively. He looked so surly that Dean felt a small smile tug at his lips. 

”That’s not a big deal, Cas. Plenty of people don’t know how. We’ll just have to be sure the girls don’t toss you in.”

Cas turned horror filled eyes at him at the suggestion and Dean regretted his poor attempt at lightening the mood. ”It’s ok, it’s ok. They won’t, I promise!” He pursed his lips thoughtfully for a moment. _I could teach him… It would give me an excuse to get my hands on him, maybe turn on some of the ‘ol Winchester charm… plus he looks so frickin’ terrified it might make him feel better if he can at least doggy-paddle…_

Dean snapped his fingers like he’d just gotten an idea. Cas turned wary eyes towards him, “What…” He asked cautiously.

I’ll teach you! I taught Sam when he was little, it’s not hard, I promise.

It was at that point that the girls and a water-logged Sam wandered over. Cas seemed to wilt a little away from them and Dean felt a pang of protectiveness wash over him unexpectedly. He turned towards the group but kept Cas slightly behind him at their approach. It wasn’t much, but he hoped Cas would accept the support just the same.

“Your turn, Dean-bean!” Jo said to him slyly. She made a couple grabbing motions at him and the wicked gleam in her eye would have been frightening on anyone else.

Dean rolled his eyes at her and waved her away nonchalantly. Not right now, Joanna Beth, I’m not in the mood. He gave a brief glance behind him at Cas’s stiff form while Jo squacked indignantly. Besides, Cas and I have plans. Why don’t you ladies... He gave them all a meaningful look here, particularly at Sam who gave him a particularly loathsome bitchface. Go and get freshened up from your grab-assing?

They turned suspicious eyes at him but he refused to budge and looked at them imperiously. They peeked over his shoulder at Cas, who looked evasive at best and cagey at worst. Dean turned raised eyebrows at Sam and tilted his head forewards towards the cabin. Bless Sam and his brain because he seemed to pick up on what Dean was getting at immediately. Years of growing up together with a mute brother could do that, he guessed.

Sam quickly reached out and started ushering the girls inside, ignoring their protests the whole way. “Come on, come on, you animals. Leave them alone. Jo you could use a shower, really. You know how you sweat in cars…” He then uttered a sharp, ow! As Jo immediately punched him in the arm. Their voices grew fainter as they made their way inside and away from the two men still standing very close together near the lakeshore. Dean spared a smile in their direction, they all squabbled like children and Dean loved his little family more than he could ever express. But, he had a nervous friend, possible family member, here that needed his attention.

He turned swiftly and clapped his hands in front of him. He rubbed his palms together a couple of times, as if warming up for a big speech. He hadn’t realized how close Cas was to him however, and all at once his vision was swamped with messy black hair and worried blue eyes. He took a hesitant step backwards and smiled warmly at Cas, in what he hoped was a comforting manner.

You wanna give it a shot now? It’s warm enough for sure, and it might be best to start while the others are distracted. Dean was trying to portray easy confidence towards the other man, even if he did feel a little flushed at how close they’d been a minute ago.

“Oh, uh, yes I suppose now would be fine. Dean, I’m…” He looked to be struggling for words for a moment before his shoulders slumped and he said dejectedly, “I’m nervous. Did you know that it only takes a very little amount of time underwater before you drown? Drowning may not always be fatal but it certainly isn’t something I want to experience. I will admit when the girls started going after Sam, I… I may have panicked a little.”

Dean felt his heart twist painfully in his chest. Cas looked absolutely ashamed of himself and without thinking about it Dean reached forward and rested a palm against the other man’s shoulder. He tried to offer up some silent support while Cas gathered his resolve. 

“I’m sure you’re an excellent teacher, Dean. I just witnessed Sam being hurled into a lake and he made it out ok, so I know that you’ve at least taught him how to not drown at the very least. But just the same… I’m nervous.” He rubbed a hand roughly across his face before running it back through his hair and holding it against his neck. It was a very human gesture, and Dean found that it was one he hadn’t ever expected to see the other man perform. He always seemed so otherworldly, so stoic and poised, that Dean forgot sometimes that he was just as human as anyone else.

He patted Cas a couple times on the shoulder in a reassuring sort of way before stepping back and placing his hands on his hips. He smiled broadly at Cas and nodded towards the lake.

Let’s get started, then!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Cas, poor Dean. I went back and forth on a lot of the nightmare details, so let me know how I did, pwease! Swim lessons next week!


	6. Fucking fuck fuck, Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early Friday update! I apologize in advance for the next 2 chapters. Give it time, the coming chapters are so tooth sickeningly sweet and so absolutely ridiculous that it'll be worth it!

Cas took a moment to orient himself, the feeling of Dean’s warm palms have been driving him to distraction under the water, of the frankly frigid, lake. How did he even get here? He’s a demon from the bowels of Hell, one that had existed for thousands of years with the sole purpose of causing corruption, he had watched kings succumb to temptation, men torture each other, soldiers slaughtered on a battlefield. He’d been privy to all manner of depravity and insidiousness for eons and yet, here he was, floundering like a half drowned cat in the freezing waters of this ridiculous lake with a well muscled mechanic helping to hold him aloft. _What would Gabriel think?_ That wasn’t the right direction, Gabriel would probably be delighted at his situation, that oily bastard took great pleasure in Castiel’s discomfort.

He swallowed another large mouthful of water and felt himself grow sick at the sensation. This was hopeless, there was no way he was going to be able to learn to do this. It had been kind of Dean to offer to teach him, he must have looked a real sight if the man had taken such pity on him. He flapped his arms uselessly in the water in an attempt to keep himself afloat. 

He had been absolutely horrified when he had realized what those foul women were planning to do to Sam, he was only thankful that they hadn’t honed their attentions onto him. He honestly hoped that Sam could swim, but he wasn’t about to draw attention to himself to make that comment. Sam was on his own now, he wasn’t going to interfere with those harpies. He hadn’t even noticed when Dean had made his way outside until the man was standing in front of him. That had been after Sam had been tossed towards certain death into the water and Cas had been unable to look away. He’d managed a brief and embarrassing conversation with Dean and then quite without realizing it he was being ushered towards the lake.

Dean had promptly stripped his shirt off and was working the shoes off his feet before Cas had even realized that he really intended for them to get in the water, now, like RIGHT NOW.

”You bring a suit?” Dean had asked him.

Cas shook his head vehemently at that. “I only brought my sweaters and jeans. Charlie said that my suit was too formal for a lake weekend…”

Dean looked at him a little flabbergasted for a moment before the corners of his eyes crinkled and he smiled brightly at Cas. ”I meant your bathing suit, you big nerd.”

Cas felt his shoulders stiffen at the comment defensively. “Dean… I bathe nude. Do you wear a suit when you shower?” It was a curious thought, but it seemed counterintuitive to getting clean. Though, he supposed it could save time if you managed to clean the clothes as well as clean yourself. Maybe he had been taking extra unnecessary steps in his cleaning routines...

Dean closed his eyes briefly and then turned them Heavenward as he shook his head a couple times. His cheeks had pinkened slightly and Cas tilted his head a little at the reaction. Maybe you weren’t supposed to talk about your special shower suit in polite conversation?

”No, man. It’s just special clothes you wear when you swim. They’re made of a special fabric that like…” He paused here and pursed his lips thoughtfully. ”Well, it’s better for swimming in anyway.”

Oh. He hadn’t heard of anything like that. Damn that, Gabriel. “Then no, I did not bring a suit.” He responded finally.

Dean nodded to himself a couple times and finally kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks. He looked askance at Cas, as if weighing him for a moment before signing, ”I hope I don’t regret asking this, but you’ve got underwear on right?”

Cas felt his own cheeks redden at that and he looked down at his pants, as if he could see through them to his clothing underneath. “Yes. I do.”

Dean nodded and smiled brightly. The smile faded quickly though and he cringed slightly. He looked hesitant to ask his next question and he kept his eyes down as he signed, ”They aren’t… tighty-whities, are they?”

Cas was mystified at that. Who knew that there was so much prep work in swimming! Dean had even spelled out the strange word to him so he was sure he understood it. Cas blinked at him a couple of times before looking back at his crotch. “They’re green. And I wouldn’t call them tight, they’re actually quite comfortable. I had considered not wearing them actually, but I find I like the layers and the denim was a little rough on my skin. The scrotal sac is so sensitive, you know.”

Dean was flaming red at this point and Cas tilted his head again. He wasn’t sure what it was that was embarrassing Dean but he was uncomfortable about something. Dean gave him an awkward thumbs up finally and did his best to look relieved.

Dean made an attempt to clear his throat, though why was a mystery. ”You can go ahead and just swim in your underwear then. Go ahead and strip down and we can get going.”

Cas felt strangely shy at that request. He hadn’t been without all his layers in front of anyone since he’d gotten up here. It shouldn’t matter, really, but he found that he was nervous about how Dean would react to his body. He eyed Dean warily for a moment before the man made an impatient “hurry up” gesture. Cas slowly pulled his sweater over his head first, folding it carefully and setting it next to Dean’s clothes on the porch. Next came his shoes and socks. It was a strange sensation to feel the dirt and grass under his feet. The hairs on the back of his neck prickled and he became aware that Dean was watching him. He was trying to be subtle about it but Cas was very versed in noticing sly glances. He was now only standing there in his jeans and he was freezing. How did humans STAND it up here? It was like the arctic.

He popped the button on his jeans and slowly pulled them down his legs. He knew that Dean was still staring and it was making him nervous, causing his movements to slow further. The drag of the denim against his skin felt 100x more visceral than it ever had when he was doing this home alone. He found that it really mattered to him what Dean thought of this mortal body. Time seemed to stretch as his jeans pulled against his skin and finally settled against his ankles. He bent further to pull them off of his feet, first the left ankle, then the right. He folded the jeans up as well and settled them next to the rest of his clothes on the porch and turned slowly. He felt incredibly exposed in just his thin green briefs. Exposed and COLD. He raised shy eyes to meet Dean’s and was surprised at the heat that seemed to be coming from the other man’s gaze.

Dean looked a little shell-shocked, swallowing convulsively and blinking his eyes rapidly. Cas wasn’t quite sure what to make of that reaction and he hunched his shoulders a little. That seemed to snap Dean out of whatever trance he’d fallen into and he smiled genially at Cas and made a beckoning motion to him. Cas followed at a sedate pace as Dean led the way to the dock and the edge of the lakeshore. 

Cas hesitated briefly before stepping cautiously out onto the worn wood of the dock. It felt warped under his feet, like it was old and well-loved. It was a strange sensation and he paid attention to the feeling of the wood against his feet as he followed Dean to the very end of it. It pricked at him and rubbed against the soles of his feet like a greeting. It was a strange sensation, but perhaps he was just feeling a little hysterical and was focusing on superfluous details. He turned his attention back towards Dean as he felt himself start to daydream. 

Dean turned around with a smile and gave Cas a couple short pats on the shoulder, he assumed it was meant to be comforting. The heat felt nice, but Cas was anything but comfortable. He was downright terrified. He chastised himself mentally. _Castiel, you are a Demon of Hell. You are not afraid of water! This simple mortal man can handle it, and he doesn’t have even a tenth of your power! Anael would be ashamed of you. Get it together!_

What followed was an absolute travesty of a start. Cas was so nervous at the onset that he didn’t listen to any of Dean’s careful directions and simply jumped right into the lake as soon as Dean’s hands stopped moving. He managed to reach the surface after, though he was coughing and spluttering the entire time. Dean had jumped in immediately after and had grabbed him around the armpits to haul him up and closer to the shore so that he could stand on his own. Cas’s teeth were chattering now, it felt like ice cubes had been dumped inside his veins. He realized, to his horror, that his entire body was shaking against his will. He had pulled his arms up to wrap around himself and he looked pitifully over at Dean, who was obviously trying to contain laughter. He wasn’t very successful at it.

“Wh-wh-what’s ha-ha-happening to m-me!?” Cas asked through his shaking.

Dean pulled his lips towards his teeth and bit down on them. He was still trying not to laugh at him! ”You’ve just shivering, Cas. You’re cold.”

Dean reached out a hand to him and Cas hesitated before taking it. Dean tugged on him and Cas allowed himself to be pulled closer. Dean spent the next couple of minutes chafing Cas’s arms and back in an attempt to warm him up. Cas’s shivers soon subsided and he felt himself relax into the warmth emanating from the man next to him. He felt his eyelids flutter closed briefly at the sensation of Dean’s rough calloused hands moving up and down his body. It shouldn’t have felt at good as it did, but he found that he was getting lost in the movements.

Dean pulled away once Cas seemed to settle more fully and he smiled at him shyly. ”Better?”

Cas nodded tightly. He was still nervous but he felt better. Dean wasn’t going to let him drown and he was warm enough that Cas would be comfortable as long as he was near him.

”Let’s try this a little slower now, hm?”

Cas frowned at that statement but gave another tight nod. _Damn you, Winchester…_ He thought grumpily. Cas refocused on Dean as the other man started signing to him slowly, making sure Cas was actually paying attention to him this time around.

xxx

Dean felt like a fist had just been thrown into his stomach. He hadn’t MEANT to watch Cas undress, not really. But, there wasn’t much else to look at out here, sure, there were trees and lakes and nature and whatever, but nothing that compared to the strange sweatered man in front of him. He had glanced over to make sure that he was actually undressing, sure! But, his gaze had lingered. He was a weak man, he couldn’t help it. And that rat bastard Castiel must have realized Dean was watching. Because once Cas noticed he slowed all his movements down like he was giving Dean a damn strip-tease! That coy fucker, he must have known that Dean was attracted, and he wasn’t as naive as he played. 

He watched as Cas pulled those tight denim jeans down, down, down so slowly it was almost torture. Dean caught a glimpse of those damn green underwear he had mentioned, then thick, tanned thighs, bony knees and strong calves. It was disgustingly erotic for something so innocent. He felt himself gulp against a suddenly dry throat. Why did he think this was a good idea? It was with great effort that he forced himself to think un-erotic thoughts, the smell of dead fish and sad little kicked puppies were highlights. It was by the grace of God that he wasn’t sporting a raging boner through the thin material of his swim trunks. _I’m so screwed. How am I going to be close enough to this guy to teach him to swim without popping a massive erection? Just the thought of all that tanned skin, glistening and covered in water… mmm… Stop that! Come on, Dean, lock that shit down. You got this!_

Cas had finally turned around and he looked incredibly uncomfortable. _Shy. Cute._ It was when he noticed Cas curling into himself that he finally snapped out of his mental wanderings. Swimming, right! Dean gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile and gestured for Cas to follow him. He turned quickly and did a couple quick breathing exercises to try and still his riotous thoughts. Hopefully, Cas would be a quick learner and he wouldn’t have to be too hands on with him. This was such a stupid idea…

Dean spent a few minutes carefully explaining the need to go slowly and even demonstrated a couple of the movements necessary for the most basic of swimming. Cas looked completely startled, as if he wasn’t sure how he’d even gotten there. And then, once Dean had finished and looked at Cas expectantly, damnit if the idiot didn’t just cannonball into the water, arms flailing madly. Dean felt a fear grip him before Cas’s head breached the water. Seconds later the man came up spluttering and coughing. Dean acted quickly and jumped in right after him. The water was a little chilly but it cooled his overheated skin like a caress.

He grabbed Cas under his armpits and hauled him bodily towards shallower waters. It was a shame he couldn’t speak, because he had a few choice words for the dark-haired man right now. Dean took a moment to quickly assess Cas’s well-being. Aside from looking cold and rather put-out he seemed intact enough. He was shaking rather violently and his teeth had started chattering. If Dean thought the lake was a little cool it more than likely that Cas was freezing his ass off.

Cas had wrapped his arms around his chest, his fingers tight against his arms as if trying to hold himself together before he rattled apart. He seemed completely startled at his body’s reaction to the water and even asked Dean what was wrong him. Dean did his best to hold in a laugh, it wouldn’t help Cas’s mood at all. He then did his best to soothe Cas’s nerves by explaining his shivering. And who the hell doesn’t know what shivering is…? 

Before Dean’s brain had caught up with his own body he was reaching a hand out towards the violently shaking man. It wasn’t until Cas had warily accepted his hand and Dean was pulling him closer that he wondered if he was making a HUGE mistake. Cas was now well within his personal space and Dean’s movements stuttered a moment before he collected wits. _In for a penny, in for a pound… _Dean thought with a shrug. He did his best to ignore the fact that he was running his hands over the rounded biceps and firm shoulders of his handsome best friend. And wasn’t that a shock to think, that Cas had ingratiated himself that fully into his life that Dean would call him his best friend.__

__Cas looked miserable, the poor guy’s lips even looked a little blue. With that thought in mind he allowed his sympathy for his friend to take control of his mind rather than letting his downstairs brain take the lead. He ran his hands up and down Cas’s arms and even reaching his back a couple times, trying his best to warm up his goose-pimpled flesh. It took a couple of minutes but Cas’s shivers finally lessened until they finally stopped. At some point, Cas had closed his eyes and while that gave Dean an unobstructed chance to study his features, he suddenly felt embarrassed about his more than friendly thoughts about his friend. _Cas hadn’t signed up for you skeezing on him, don’t be a perv._ _ _

__Dean quickly pulled away, as if burnt once Cas opened his eyes again. He felt shy all of a sudden and he grinned sheepishly at the other man. He lifted his hands from the water and asked quickly. ”Better?”_ _

__Cas had nodded reassuringly and he did indeed look better. His color had come back to his face and he looked much more relaxed. Dean felt a little guilty about his musings while Cas had been in such distress but he did his best to push that from his mind. He had a job to do now and Cas needed his undivided attention._ _

__ ”Let’s try this a little slower now, hm?” _ _

__Dean missed Cas’s frown before he was busy resettling his feet against the rocks below him but smiled when he looked up again. He spent the next few minutes re-explaining the instructions he had given earlier. He went slower this time and paused now and again to make sure Cas was ACTUALLY listening this time. Cas seemed a little annoyed with him after the third time he paused, looking for a nod, but Dean ignored it. He needed to know the guy wasn’t going to try and drown himself again._ _

__Dean spent the next 45 minutes helping Cas get his bearings in the water. He managed to pick up floating easily enough and even seemed to enjoy looking up at the clouds from his back. Though he refused to float without Dean’s steady hands under his lower back, helping to hold him aloft. He pointed to a couple puffy white clouds as the floated by and asked Dean what he made of them. Dean saw a dragon and older style landline phone, Cas saw a dog and some kind of bird Dean had never heard of. It was sweet and relaxing and Dean found that he wasn’t in a rush to show Cas how to doggy-paddle._ _

__After a time though, he couldn’t make any more excuses to put off showing him how to really swim. He pushed lightly on Cas’s legs so the other man flipped right-side up. Cas looked at him with a confused head-tilt and Dean held back a smile at that. He hadn’t realized that that little crinkle between his brows was so endearing before._ _

__ ”Let’s start with some actual movement, ok? You feel comfortable with that?” _ _

__Cas’s face fell a little but he gave a hesitant nod. “Yes, I suppose that would be for the best.”_ _

__Dean nodded to him and they spent another half hour with Dean showing Cas how to move his arms and his legs in order to propel himself. Cas would have picked it up much faster but he seemed very reluctant to move too far from Dean’s reach, no matter how many times he assured him that he wouldn’t let anything happen to him. Cas eventually managed a tight doggy-paddle in a circle around Dean that had both men beaming. Dean felt an odd sense of pride at the little splashing movements the other man managed and Cas too seemed very pleased with himself._ _

__Dean patted him on the back when he’d gotten his feet back under him. ”That was great! Those are just the basics, and there are a lot of different types of strokes and stuff that you can learn but you should be mostly safe from drowning for now.” Dean gave him a mischievous smile, letting him know that he was teasing. Though in typical Cas fashion the man didn’t seem to be in on the joke._ _

__ ”We’ll practice some more?” _ _

__Cas nodded vehemently and Dean gave him a lopsided smile. He definitely wasn’t opposed to some more one on one time with the man. Dean had extended his arms to direct Cas’s movements again when a loud crash and some uproarious cheering snapped into his ears. Cas flailed in his arms, startled at the sound, instinctively Dean snatched at the man and pulled him against his chest in order to keep him above water._ _

__Two blonde streaks tore across the yard and were immediately followed by two loud splashes coming some ten feet behind Dean and Cas. Dean closed his eyes and sent a prayer upwards for strength. The last thing he wanted to deal with right now was Jess and Jo’s rough housing. The two girls surfaced with twin hoots and splashed at one another playfully. It took them a minute to notice Dean and Cas in the shallows next to the dock, but eventually Jo’s eyes landed on them and she grinned wolfishly._ _

__It was then that Dean realized he still had a tight hold on Cas. What was worse, they were pressed chest to chest with Cas’s arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. To an outside observer they were very intimate and Dean groaned inwardly. This was going to be a nightmare…_ _

__“Well, well well! And here WE thought you and Cas were having a heart-to-heart!” Jo crowed and she paddled herself over to them._ _

__Dean hastily released Cas, though Cas wasn’t prepared for it and he managed to slip on the wet rocks underfoot. Cas’s head slipped under the water and Dean grabbed his bicep to haul him back upwards. _Jesus H. Christ, Cas. Come the fuck on._ He ignored the coughing and the indignant scowl of the other man and instead turned wary eyes towards the two women who were making their way over to them. _ _

__“Looks more like it was a lip-to-lip to me.” Jess teased with a wink._ _

__Dean rolled his eyes at them and gave them both the finger. He didn’t want to deal with this shit right now._ _

__Dean caught movement out of the corner of his eye and watched as Sam and Charlie made their way onto the dock, at a much more leisurely pace than the other two. Dean squinted at Sam and frowned, as if accusing Sam of some kind of betrayal. Sam merely shrugged in response and smiled widely._ _

__Dean humphed and looked askance at Cas to gauge his reaction to the newcomers. Cas was doing his best to look collected, but Dean did notice that he was a half-step behind him and away from the girls. _Heart of a lion…_ Dean thought with a laugh. _ _

__“Be nice, girls.” Sam intoned from his position on the dock._ _

__Jo shot him a dirty look but Jess paddled over towards him and reached her hands out imploringly. Sam smiled at her warmly and Jess’s answering smile was radiant. _Get a room you two, ugh._ Dean thought with a shudder. Those two were absolutely unreal._ _

__Sam made as if to hop down into the water next to his wife but seemed to change his mind half-way through the action. He straightened quickly, leapt high into the air and tucked into a neat ball. He seemed to hover in the air for a split-second, long enough for Dean to catch Jess’s horrified expression, before he slammed down into the water, mere inches from Jess’s face._ _

__She was underwater almost immediately, water coming up to splash in her face and she batted at it with distaste. Dean watched in amusement as Sam came back up only to be dunked under by Jess’s smaller frame. He felt the corner of his mouth quirk up as Sam snatched her around the waist and lifted her over his head to toss a few feet away. Damn if he wasn’t strong, Dean forgot sometimes how large his little brother had gotten._ _

__He felt a tentative hand touch the back of his arm and he turned from the noisy activity to look behind him. Cas had seemingly shrunk down, with just his head above the water, trying to make himself as small as possible. He looked nervous and turned concerned eyes to Dean. Dean reached out and ruffled his wet hair with a grin._ _

__”All good?” _ _

__Cas’s eyes shot beyond him to where Sam, Jo, and Jess were engaged in some sort of water brawl. He looked sheepishly back up at Dean. “Do I have to participate?”_ _

__Dean smiled at him, feeling the skin around his eyes crinkling. He shook his head a couple times and Cas visibly brightened. ”Naw, man. We don’t have to get involved in that shit.”_ _

__Cas nodded once but kept a close eye on the antics of the others. Dean placed a warm hand against Cas’s lower back and nudged him closer to the dock. A small ladder was attached to the side nearest them and Dean urged Cas towards it. It took him a minute to take the hint but when he finally picked up on what Dean was indicating he clambered eagerly, and ungainly, up the ladder and over the side of the dock._ _

__Dean followed a little more slowly, taking a moment to mourn the loss of his time with Cas in the lake. It had been unexpected but very, very satisfying. He spied Charlie then, she was seated in a lawn chair a little ways from him and had a large book open in her lap. Dean caught Cas’s attention, and gestured towards the other chairs next to her. Cas picked himself up off the old wood below him and staggered to his feet._ _

__“I hadn’t realized how tiring swimming would be.” Cas muttered to him, trying to keep the attention of the others away from him._ _

__Dean nodded thoughtfully. ”Something about the combination of water and sun always seems to take it out of people. You just need a nap, you’ll be good as new.”_ _

__Cas pursed his lips at that but dutifully dropped into the chair that Dean indicated for him. Charlie glanced up from her book and nodded her head in greeting to each of them before burying her nose back in the large tome. Charlie hadn’t ever been much of a swimmer, claiming it was too rough on her delicate skin. She had on a large hat with a wide brim and rounded sunglasses that made her look like an insect. There was a faint sheen of sunscreen along her cheeks and Dean hummed thoughtfully at that. He hadn’t even asked if Cas would need any… Hopefully not…_ _

__Cas seemed too exhausted at the moment to want to carry on a conversation so Dean let him relax in his chair. He did his level best to look away from the slowly drying water on the other man’s tanned chest. And he definitely didn’t notice the way his underwear clung to his thighs and around his package. Also, he really didn’t see AT ALL that Cas was much better endowed than he had anticipated, not that he had thought about it of course!_ _

__Dean turned his attention out to the water and watched as Sam and the girls wore themselves out. They played games and splashed each other and swam gentle laps near the dock. It was relaxing. It was perfect. It was just what he remembered his weekends spent out here as a kid had been. Or at least, what he thought he remembered they were like. He wasn’t sure anymore if the memories he had of that time were real or if they were some kind of fabrication brought on by his imagination. _It doesn’t matter. Real or not, they feel right. This is what I would want my memories to be like anyway, surrounded by friends and family, beautiful weather and lots of laughter…_ Dean hated that he didn’t have more warm thoughts like this from his time growing up, so he was willing to hold on to the ones he did have, real or not. _ _

__xxx_ _

__Cas felt a gentle nudge at his side and his eyes fluttered open slowly. He looked around him blearily before his eyes settled on Charlie, who was standing next to him with her hands on her hips. The kimono style shawl she had around her shoulders drifted gently in the breeze and Cas’s eyes caught on the fringe that dangled from the sleeves._ _

__“Earth to Cas! Hellooooooo…” Charlie said, a little louder than necessary if Cas really thought about it._ _

__He blinked at her again, using a hand to shield his eyes from the sun. “Cas is on Earth, yes. What?” His brain was having a hard time catching up to his mouth and he wasn’t sure that sentence made a lot of sense._ _

__Charlie smirked at him and said, “Come on, Constantine, let’s get you inside before you burn up out here.”_ _

__Cas didn’t understand that reference, which he was getting used too. He felt pleasantly warm with the sun beating down on him and he was reluctant to get up. “I’m fine, comfortable.”_ _

__Charlie threw up her hands in an exaggerated manner. “Fine, turn into a lobster, I don’t care. But I don’t wanna hear you complaining about skin cancer on Monday.”_ _

__Skin cancer? What in Hell was she going on about? A sleepy hum drifted to his ears and he glanced sideways. Dean seemed to be in a similar state and was just rousing himself from sleep. Dean yawned and stretched deeply. Cas watched as he threw his arms over his head and arched his back into it. He felt that swooping sensation in his stomach at the sight of the man’s chest tightening into his stretch. He looked like a large jungle cat, waking from sleep and preparing for a hunt._ _

__He looked away quickly and watched Charlie’s retreating back over his shoulder. The sun had made it’s way across the sky much farther than Cas would have assumed, he must have napped for longer than he thought. He glanced over at Dean again who was rising slowly to his feet and turning his neck from side to side, presumably to stretch the muscles there too. Cas wondered if Dean felt as groggy as he did._ _

__Dean looked over at him and smiled warmly. Cas felt a fluttering in his chest. He was having some strange reactions this afternoon, possibly due to the swimming, but he wasn’t sure._ _

__”Good nap?” Dean asked._ _

__Cas nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, actually. You were right, I feel much better.”_ _

__Dean nodded to him in agreement and extended a hand towards him. Cas took it cautiously, unsure what was about to happen. But Dean simply pulled on his arm and Cas rose smoothly from his chair. Oh! It was a means of assistance. Dean gestured towards the house and they walked companionably back to the cabin together._ _

__Cas could hear the others inside, talking quietly and rattling around in the kitchen. It seemed that their energy level had decreased significantly and Cas was thankful for that. He loved their energy but found it hard to keep up more often than not. They both stopped at the porch to grab their clothes, which were miraculously undisturbed. They seemed like prime targets for antics and he was grateful that his sweater had escaped notice._ _

__Cas had bent to put his jeans back on but a hand on his arm stopped him. He looked over his shoulder at Dean in question._ _

__”We should shower first. Get the lake nasty off of us.” _ _

__Cas looked down at his jeans and then back up at Dean. He glanced sideways at the group inside, silhouettes against the windows, and decided to sign his next question. A shower sounded nice but Dean’s phrasing had been strange…_ _

__”You want to shower together?” Cas asked slowly. He was much better at signing, but he still wasn’t very fast. He needed to get clarification from Dean regardless and it seemed smarter to ask silently than with words that could be overheard._ _

__Dean’s eyes widened and he blinked once, twice, three times. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it with a snap. Dean lifted his hands but seemed conflicted on what to say. He ended up clenching his hands into fists in front of him once before taking a deep breath and releasing the tension from his shoulders. ”Would you like to?”_ _

__Cas frowned at that. Did he want to shower with Dean? He actually hadn’t considered that possibility… Now that the thought was in his head though he found that the image of a completely naked Dean covered in water and soap suds was dancing through his head. He snapped himself back to attention before he got too distracted by the thought._ _

__”You said that we should shower first?” Cas signed hesitantly._ _

__Dean’s eyes widened in understanding and his cheeks pinked slightly. He kept his eyes down when he responded to Cas. ”I just meant that we should get cleaned up before we get dressed again. Not together, just that we both should.” He shrugged a little helplessly and dug a toe into the dirt under his feet._ _

__Cas nodded slowly after that. He felt a tension under his skin and strangely… disappointment? He shrugged his shoulders once but collected the rest of his clothing quickly and walked inside without looking back at Dean. He did his best not to think about what those miles of freckled skin would like under a steady stream of water with large pink soap bubbles running down his chest. He wasn’t doing a very good job._ _

__The others greeted them lazily, all draped around the room in various states of consciousness. It seemed the swimming and the sunshine had worn everyone out. Charlie looked the most present, but Cas caught her yawning while she made herself a glass of tea._ _

__“I’m going to take a shower.” Cas announced to the room at large and a couple murmurs of acknowledgement met his ears. He snatched his bag from where it was set against a wall and carried it with him to the bathroom down the hall._ _

__He slipped inside and locked the door behind him with a small sigh. He felt superheated all of a sudden, and he couldn’t place why. He wished it was a comfortable feeling, he was always trying to get warmer in fact, but this was different. His skin felt itchy, like it was too tight for him to be inside. He tried to stretch his back out a little in hopes of reliving some of the pressure but to no avail. Maybe some warm water would help? His previous showers had always relaxed him before. He stepped forward and turned the knobs of the upright shower deftly. He had to wait a lot longer than he would have liked for the water to warm up, but eventually it was at an agreeable temperature and he stripped from his underwear. They were still damp and the feeling had been uncomfortable so he wasn’t sad to see them pool on the floor around his feet._ _

__He stepped carefully into the shower, wary of the water temperature on his the chilled skin of his chest. It was pleasant though and he felt himself relax minimally under the onslaught of overhead water. This was just what he needed, some nice warm water, and no Dean in the vicinity._ _

__But, as if the thought itself had conjured the man before him, Cas couldn’t seem to get the image of Dean out of his mind. The feeling of Dean’s hand on his body came back to him like an avalanche and he felt powerless underneath it’s force. He couldn’t believe that he had managed to keep himself from getting an erection while they’d been in the lake. He was willing to admit that a lot of that had been terror at possibly drowning and the feeling of the frigid lake water on his skin. But here, now, with warm water flowing over his body and no one around to watch him, he allowed his body to react the way it had wanted to all afternoon._ _

__He cupped himself gently and let his head fall backwards on his shoulders. He had to be quiet, the walls here weren’t exactly soundproof. He ran a hand down his length slowly, marvelling in the feel of the stretch of skin across his shaft. If he closed his eyes, he could even pretend that the hand on his cock belonged to someone else. Someone a little broader, more blonde, and with hands rough and calloused from hours of manual labor. _Fuck._ _ _

__It was inappropriate to be thinking these kinds of things about his friend, but he was powerless against it. This was why he’d felt so uncomfortable in his skin, this was why he’d felt stuffed into a suit that was too small. He needed the release of an orgasm after all the sexual frustration from the day._ _

__He pulled again down his length and allowed his thumb and index finger to gently circle just under the raised skin of the head. He squeezed once, harder than he’d meant to, and let out a little gasp at the sensation. He was still new to this and hurt himself every now and again with his fumbling hands, but he was getting better. And that little jolt of pain had been almost pleasant in it’s own way. He ran the tip of a thumb across the tip of his penis and felt it slide softly between the slit there. Sparks of pleasure traveled up into his stomach at that. He gave another gentle swipe there and felt a shiver run up his spine._ _

__He groaned and felt his eyelids flutter. He wrapped a loose fist around himself and picked up a slow and steady rhythm. He was mindful of his time, he didn’t want to use up all the hot water, Dean still had to shower. And the image he’d been entertaining before came back to him full force at that. Dean would be standing in here right after him, the water Cas was using would still dampen the walls when Dean stepped in. In his mind’s eye, Dean would run his hands through his hair and slowly down his chest, enjoying the feel of the water. Cas gave himself a harder pull and refocused on his fantasy._ _

__Dean would use a bar of soap, something clean smelling, and lather it between his hands, working suds to life there. He’d run his hands and the bar across his torso, covering the smooth freckled skin and the warped burned skin in the same motion. Cas felt his throat work convulsively at the image he was painting. He bent a hand down to cup his balls and fondled them gently. He’d discovered that he liked the feeling from a previous masturbatory session._ _

__He was getting closer now, he could feel it. Those tiny sparks of pleasure from his stomach were spreading outward across his chest and down his arms. He could feel the sensations chasing down his legs towards his toes and he spread his legs just slightly to give himself more room to work with. The Dean in his mind was running a soapy hand down across his own erection. Dean would work his hand slowly across his shaft, maybe giving a gentle squeeze to the cockhead as he went. Cas’s hand was pumping faster now, squeezing harder on the upstroke._ _

__He opened his eyes and looked down, watching his own hand work his cock quickly. He was flushed from his chest straight down to the tip of his dick and the sight of his own hand working against his overheated skin almost sent him over the edge. _Not yet… Not yet…__ _

__He wanted to watch his fantasy Dean finish too. Luckily, the fantasy Dean was already almost there. Which was a good thing because he didn’t think he could hold out much longer. He’d had a very trying day and the ghost of Dean’s fingers on his body was haunting him. The fantasy Dean had his shoulders pulled taut and his head staring down at his hand as it worked it’s way harder and faster against his flushed cock. He watched as the suds traveled down Dean’s legs and over a particular grouping of freckles near one of his knees that caused Cas’s own to almost give out. His fantasy Dean was working his hand quickly over himself, huffing breath out and rolling his head from side to side passionately. There was a whine coming from him, one that was causing the pleasure in his stomach to roll over itself in excitement. It was a shame that Dean couldn’t speak, because hearing him moan Cas’s name, his true name, Castiel, was just about the most erotic thing he could imagine._ _

__He was so close! He pulled gently against his sac and noticed how tight it was and how close to his body. He squeezed again at the sensitive skin under his cockhead and pictured Dean doing the same. _Fuck, fuck, Dean… Oh-ooh, Dean!_ Cas ran a thumb against the slit on his cockhead once more before pumping himself hard one, two, three more times. He was coming then was a quiet moan and a violent shudder. The Dean in his mind was painting his own stomach with milky white streams and squeezing his remaining nipple between his thumb and index finger. Cas had to brace a hand against the wall of the shower in order to keep his feet under him. That orgasm had rocked through him rather forcefully, thanks in large part he was sure to the soapy Dean that had orgasmed through his mind. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and did his best to clean up the evidence of this little indiscretion. _ _

__His skin felt better around him now, he had needed that. But, his guilt over the situation settled around him a little more fully now that his brain wasn’t clouded with lust. He shouldn’t have used Dean like that… it was unseemly, even for a demon. Or maybe it wasn’t… he was getting his signals crossed. He’d been faking human for too long._ _

__He exited the shower feeling much more relaxed than he had when he entered. He hadn’t planned on relieving himself that way when he’d come in here but he couldn’t deny that the experience had left him loose and calmer. He pawed through his bag lazily before coming up with a fresh pair of underwear and a pair of sweats. He stepped into the underwear, tugging against the band as the material stuck on his damp skin as it made it’s way up. He rubbed the towel against his wet hair in an attempt to dry it. He had forgotten to bring his comb so he knew his hair would be an absolute mess by the time it dried but he couldn’t be bothered to care. He was around friends here, he didn’t need to impress them with his appearance._ _

__He tugged on a white vee and let it settle against his broad shoulders. He liked the simplicity of the white shirts and had bought a lot of them. He stifled a yawn as he snatched his bag from the toilet seat and carried it with him back out of the bathroom. It would be dinner time soon and he was curious what they would be eating that night._ _

__He dropped the bag back onto the floor when he reached the living room and sleepy eyes drifted towards him from the couch. He smiled at them tightly and settled himself into a chair across from the others. Dean had stood when he entered and drifted into the back, presumably for his own shower._ _

__Cas did his best not to watch him leave, but he wasn’t very successful. His attention was drawn by Sam as he cleared his throat._ _

__“So, I was thinking pasta for dinner? It cooks up pretty fast and easy and I’ll be honest that I’m not awake enough for any kind of culinary prowess.” While he was speaking he wrapped an arm around Jess’s shoulders and she snuggled against his side._ _

__“Only if Jess helps you out. Lord knows how you manage to screw up noodles, but I’m not looking to get food poisoning this weekend.” Jo muttered from her spot on the rug on the floor._ _

__“Fuck off, Jo,” Sam muttered without malice._ _

__Jess smiled at them and made to stand. “Let’s get the water boiling. Do you wanna play a card game while we wait?”_ _

__“Ooo! What do you wanna play?” Charlie chirped from the kitchen. She was already grabbing a large pot from a lower cabinet and was setting it on the stove._ _

__“Poker!” Sam and Jo said in unison._ _

__Charlie and Jess both rolled their eyes at them. “It’s always poker with you two.” Jess said with a playful shove at her husband._ _

__Cas watched their interaction with a vague smile. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to their easy camaraderie and quick conversations. They continued to volley ideas back and forth and Cas was content to just settle against the chair he was in and wait until they reached a decision. He was sure that they would pull him into whatever activity they decided on but since he didn’t have anything to add he was happy to just wait it out. Their distraction also allowed him time to think about the blonde mechanic who was right now ensconced in his own shower, probably covered in suds, possibly with his own erection. The Dean from his fantasy rose to the forefront of his mind._ _

__Cas shivered at the thought. He felt a little guilty about thinking such carnal things about the other man, his friend, but the guilt was short-lived. He WAS a demon after all, he didn’t really have time for things like guilt, right? He was interrupted in his mental wanderings by Charlie calling his name._ _

__“Castieeeeel! Caaaas! Cas!”_ _

__“Yes, Charles?” He responded drily._ _

__“Would you quit that shit? That’s so weird.” Charlie snapped back at him._ _

__He gave her a half-smile before standing and meeting them all in the kitchen. The nook table wasn’t large enough to house all of them so they were all crowded around the island, a deck of cards had mysteriously appeared before them all._ _

__“We’re gonna play Hearts.” Jess said with a smile._ _

__There were a couple of grumbles from Sam and Jo’s end of the island but they were resolutely ignored by the other three._ _

__They spent the next 15 minutes explaining the game and playing a hand before the game got going in earnest. They were woefully unprepared for a game of strategy with Cas though and within two hands he was winning each round. They group had chalked it up to beginner’s luck at first but were getting more and more frustrated with each successive hand._ _

__Dean had wandered in somewhere around the fifth round and Cas had been momentarily distracted by the smell of the man’s shampoo, or deodorant or cologne or something. He managed to lose that hand but his attention returned with a vengeance after some cheering from the other players. After another couple rounds the others threw their cards down in disgust. They called him a sandbagger and refused to play another round with him._ _

__Dean had grinned at him and Cas felt a flush of pride at their reactions. He may have always lacked social understanding but he was a master tactician. The pasta was ready to be eaten at that point and Jess turned the heat off the noodles and poured the excess water down the drain in the sink. Cas was fascinated by the process, he had yet to master toast and something as complicated as making pasta was amazing to him._ _

__He watched with avid interest as she added some type of red sauce and spooned out portions to each of them in sturdy ceramic bowls. Cas took his eagerly, only realizing then just how hungry he was. He hadn’t eaten lunch he realized, no wonder his mortal body was so hungry!_ _

__He inhaled the smell coming from his bowl deeply and followed the others into the living room. There weren’t enough seats in the kitchen and they all settled around the worn couches and chairs in the living room with moderate success. Sam graciously gave up his seat for his wife and sat in front of her on the floor with his back pressed against her knees. Cas sunk gratefully into an old armchair, the fabric of which had lost most of it’s color and the pattern was so faded that it was almost impossible to discern what it had been originally. He wiggled his hips to work down into the material and let out a contented sigh as the chair enveloped him in it’s squashy embrace._ _

__Everyone seemed hyper focused on eating their dinner and so the conversation was minimal. Cas found that he liked it though. He was used to silences being uncomfortable but this was exactly the opposite. He was surrounded with friends at a remote cabin in the wilderness and the sounds of birds and crickets met his ears amidst the slurping and clinking of silverware on bowls. He had had a good day, a really good day and he felt a pleasant warmth work it’s way through his chest towards his fingers at the thought._ _

__A voice, that sounded suspiciously like Grabiel’s whispered to him in the back of his mind, _Don’t get too attached, Cassie. You’re running out of time…_ He hunched his shoulders against the voice and tried to ignore it. He had time, plenty of time!_ _

__The rest of the evening was spent lounging around the living room. Their bowls were scattered around them, all but forgotten until Dean eventually roused himself to collect them. He hesitated when he reached Cas and stuck his hand out shyly for the used dish. Cas handed it over, just as shy, and did his best to avoid Dean’s fingers when he gripped the item._ _

__As the night wore on Cas realized that he was getting cold and he did his best to cover the minor shivers that were running through his body. He should grab a sweater, he had felt so overheated from his afternoon in the sun that he didn’t think he’d needed it when he got dressed after his shower. He was resolutely ignoring the clinking of the dishes in the sink, where Dean stood washing them, and especially how the man’s muscles moved under the fabric of his flannel._ _

__Cas tried to ignore the tremble that worked it’s way down his spine as a draft from the door caught him. He needed to get up and grab more clothes, there was nothing else to be done about it. He was just about to get up to retrieve his bag when a swath of fabric was shoved under his nose. He blinked at it in confusion before following the arm it was attached too. Dean stood next to him looking sheepish and avoiding Cas’s eye. He was clad only in a t shirt now and Cas looked back down at the fabric in front of him. It was Dean’s flannel, wadded up and held out like a shield._ _

__Cas tilted his head in confusion. He frowned at Dean and waited for the man to meet his eyes. Dean glanced askance at him and gestured again with fabric, indicating that Cas should take it. Cas reached out, hands trembling only slightly, and Dean dropped the shirt in his open palms. Still, Cas looked at in confusion. He heard Dean huff next to him and looked back at the mechanic._ _

__”You’re cold, bud. Put that on.” Dean signed to him quickly before stepping back into the kitchen to finish the dishes._ _

__It seemed the interaction had been mostly ignored by the rest of the group. In fact only Charlie had seemed to notice anything and she eyed him sharply. She said nothing though and simply went back to swatting at Jo’s feet, which were currently trying to poke themselves under her legs._ _

__Cas resisted the VERY strong urge to bury his nose in the flannel shirt and instead pulled it over his arms. It was much warmer than it should have been, whether from being so close to the warm-blooded mechanics body or just because Cas knew that it was HIS, he wasn’t sure. He was grateful for it just the same though, he really had been getting cold. Dean often wore these shirts with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows but Cas lets the loose ends flap over his hands, seeking as much coverage as he could muster._ _

__His chest felt warm and tight again and he felt a small smile tug at the corners of his lips. He continued to ignore Gabriel’s voice in his mind as it whispered dire warnings to him._ _

__It was another hour before everyone decided to retire to bed. They had to be up early the next morning to get back to the city. Charlie had decided to close the coffee shop on Monday so they weren’t as pressed for time as they should have been. It was apparently some holiday that Cas wasn’t aware of but he had been assured that most people had the day off work and wouldn’t be needing coffee at the usual 5 am._ _

__Cas waved goodnight to everyone as they passed him one by one down the dark hallway and into the bedrooms. It seemed that everyone had doubled up except for Dean and himself and he wondered why that was. He guessed Dean’s bed wasn’t very large, he couldn’t really recall from seeing it last night. Maybe it just wasn’t something male friends did, he honestly didn’t know._ _

__He yawned widely and stretched his arms over his head. Dean’s flannel was still wrapped around him tightly and he relished in the extra layer of protection from the elements. Dean was the last to leave and he hesitated in the entrance to the hallway before excusing himself without a word towards his room. Cas watched him go with a frown and a feeling of disappointment in his chest. He would see him in the morning, why did he feel like he’d just missed something important?_ _

__That night, after a few hours of fitful sleep, Cas woke groggily. Something had broken into his subconscious but he wasn’t sure what it was. He blinked slowly and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. The cabin was still, no sounds out of the pervasive ones of nature seeped in through the walls and Cas frowned. What had woken him…? He sat upright and yawned again. He peered around the room blearily. Nothing was out of sorts, only darkness met his eyes._ _

__He chanced a glance outside the window to his right and stilled his movements immediately. Someone was out there. He watched in absolute silence as the figure outside stood equally still near the lake. If it wasn’t for the moon, he probably wouldn’t even have noticed them. It was so dark out that the silhouette of the figure bled into the surrounding shadows almost imperceptibly. He was getting to used to seeing with his human eyes and hadn’t even noticed the pulse of a soul at first._ _

__He studied the shape for a while longer, trying to make heads or tails of what was out there. As his eyes adjusted more to the darkness he watched as the shape shifted its weight from one foot to the other and hung its head down towards its chest. The shape and soul had a vague familiarity to them and Cas’s frown deepened. It was hard to make out from that distance… He was standing before he even realized it. He edged around the room quietly, toeing on his sneakers without socks and pulled Dean’s flannel tighter around his chest. He’d “forgotten” to take it off before going to bed._ _

__He eased the front door open slowly, trying his hardest to be silent. The door was cooperating for once and he slipped onto the porch with barely a whisper of movement. He paused here to observe the shape for a moment longer. He had a feeling he knew who it was but he didn’t want to approach them unnecessarily._ _

__He eased down the steps slowly and made his way stealthily a few feet down the yard. As the lines of the figure came into sharper focus he breathed a sigh of relief. It was Dean. He should have been able to tell from the soul alone and he took a moment to curse his mortal eyes. It would seem that his demons sense were fading a little, that was worrying. He allowed his steps to become more audible, stepping on loose rocks and a couple twigs, so that he wouldn’t spook Dean with his approach._ _

__Dean turned his head slowly to glance over his shoulder. Cas was somewhat dismayed to note that Dean’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears. _What happened to him… Another nightmare?__ _

__Dean raised his hands to his shoulders and signed slowly to him. ”Hey, Angel. You coming to watch over me?” He gave Cas a wry smile and then turned immediately back to his inspection of the still waters before him._ _

__Cas was startled. Dean hadn’t called him that since that unfortunate texting incident. He waited for his irritation to rise within him at the hated name, but the most he could muster was a self-deprecating eyeroll. That was surprising. The idea of him watching over Dean was humorous, or perhaps it should have been, he found that he really couldn’t muster up the energy for a laugh. After the incident last night and now Cas coming out here to check on Dean… well, maybe he was watching over him._ _

__He’d blamed it on curiosity but he had a sneaking suspicion now that he’d been worried about the other man. He wondered if demonic protection was as strong as angelic protection? He couldn’t say that anyone he’d ever met had offered up their protection before, maybe it wasn’t something his species was capable of? Maybe they were all just too selfish and too heartless to want to hold onto anything special or sentimental? The phrase, “demons are watching over you” didn’t sound nearly as comforting as “angels are watching over you.” It was rather sinister in fact. But here he was, watching after a mortal man for no other reason than that he was worried about him. Cas wanted to chastise himself for it, but found the desire for it squashed under his concern for the tightness in Dean’s shoulders._ _

__Cas took another couple of steps forward until he was standing next to the silent mechanic. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but he found that he was having trouble finding the right words to form the question. Cas frowned at himself. He wasn’t used to feeling… unsure of himself. His thoughts were a riot right now, directly in contrast with the stillness around him. He was worried about Dean, anxious to see what was wrong, curious about why he was out here, inappropriately happy that he was alone with him again. He was feeling every emotion he’d managed to figure out the names of since he’d been top-side and he was feeling incredibly overwhelmed at the sensations._ _

__What did you say in a situation like this? He didn’t have the faintest idea. He chanced a glance sideways towards Dean’s face. The man looked troubled, his eyes still sparkling with the tears he was obviously holding back. _What do I do…?__ _

__A memory from that evening floated back to him and he grabbed at it like a liferaft. Sam had gotten upset by something, he wasn’t even sure what, but he had been upset and Jess had reached over to take his hand. Sam had immediately settled once her fingers had wrapped around his and his expression had evened out to his normal jovial one after a time. Perhaps he could do that?_ _

__He raised a hand hesitantly and reached towards Dean’s hand next to his. He could feel the heat coming from the other man’s skin before he chickened out and reached instead upwards to his shoulder. He clasped the man’s shoulder tightly under his fingers and squeezed once._ _

__He felt Dean tense under him and almost removed his hand before he felt the man relax. He withheld his own sigh of relief and instead focused on Dean’s reaction to the physical contact. The tension in his shoulders eased minutely and after another few moments, he felt Dean lean towards him, accepting the comfort for what it was. He could feel warmth wrapping up and around his palm and fingers from Dean’s skin even through the thin fabric of the man’s shirt. Cas took a moment to marvel at how HOT Dean felt at this moment. It was distantly comforting, but Cas was focused on the quiet man’s reactions right now._ _

__Emboldened by Dean’s acceptance of the hand on his shoulder, Cas slipped his hand down, trailing his fingers across the exposed skin of Dean’s bicep and behind his elbow. He paused here to gauge Dean’s response to this but the man hadn’t moved, even seemed to be holding his breath. Cas gathered his courage and let his hand fall down the inside of the man’s forearm before resting his palm lightly against Dean’s own. He cupped their hands together and squeezed Dean’s fingers reassuringly._ _

__He watched Dean close his eyes at the contact. The man looked like he’d been on his way to the Gallows. He felt pressure against his own fingers and realized that Dean was squeezing his fingers back in acknowledgement. _This feel significant… more so than just offering comfort to a friend. This feels… Feels like…_ But, Cas didn’t have the words to express what he was feeling in this moment. He tried to just absorb the heat from Dean’s hand and focus on offering his silent support to his friend. He didn’t know what was wrong but Dean needed something and he would offer this until he could figure out what else there was._ _

__Dean turned to him after a few more minutes of silence. He finally opened his eyes and Cas was dismayed to note that there was moisture pooling at the corners of the man’s eyes. He hadn’t managed to help at all… In fact, Dean had been holding it together before he’d gotten out here! He had only made things worse… He was a demon after all, perhaps this was inevitable. He felt guilt and shame settle over him like a blanket and he tried to resist the urge to pull away from the look of sorrow on Dean’s face._ _

__Dean held his gaze for a moment, and Cas was unsure what he was trying to communicate but he looked back at the man’s beautiful eyes and willed Dean’s tears away silently. He felt Dean squeeze his fingers again before dropping his hand. The man stepped backward and gave him a watery half-smile before walking slowly back up the path towards the cabin._ _

__Cas stayed outside for a while longer. He had a lot to process now and without Dean’s heat and the shuddering rays of light from his soul he found himself slipping towards melancholy. The moon’s light reflected off the lake and he found himself transfixed by the rolling of the gentle waves along it’s surface. He frowned into the darkness and silence surrounding him. The quiet voice of Gabriel that had been muttering lowly at the back of his mind all day made a reappearance now. It sounded louder than it had before. He felt the lingering heat on his hand from Dean’s palm and closed his eyes in an attempt to remember the sensation of holding onto him. That muttering voice only seemed to get louder however and his palm cooled quickly under it’s persistent nagging._ _

__He finally gave in and listened to what his subconscious had been telling him for days. It coiled inside of him like a poisonous viper and he shuddered at the vitriol the voice contained. _You’ve made a mistake. You’ve been continually making more and more mistakes. You’re allowing yourself to doubt your purpose, doubt your very reason for existing. You’re up here to corrupt souls! And yet, you can feel your very own essence being tainted by your friendship with these people. You’ve let it go too far._ _ _

__He frowned, feeling the crease between his brows deepen like a fissure. Had he been allowing himself to be tainted? When he looked back on his time up here, he could see every red flag for what it was. _How could you have been so naive as to think that you could handle it. Gabriel had warned you, it had only been a few weeks since Gabriel’s visit and you’ve blatantly ignored what your brother had told you. You’re a fool and this needs to be stopped immediately._ _ _

__The more he thought about it, the more angry he became. He was supposed to be corrupting souls. What had happened to him? He had felt Gabriel’s fury, had been cowed by it. And then immediately ignored his warnings and his threats? The free will and good humor of the people around him was twisting his very essence. He was almost more human than… no. _You’re a demon! You’ve allowed your...feelings… for Dean to color your actions here. This has to stop. You’re an agent of the underworld and you can’t afford to waste any time up here. You can be honest enough with yourself to know that you aren’t likely to be able to contract any of the souls of your… friends. But, you needed to get to work and fast. Gabriel would be back for a check-up in a matter of months and you’ve made no progress.__ _

__He had even noticed upon walking out here that he hadn’t been able to place Dean immediately, his human eyes taking over his demon senses. He’d let himself be corrupted here, allowed the simple pleasures of humanity and friendship to take over his better judgement. He’d let himself be taken over bit by bit and he hadn’t even noticed. The Gabriel of his subconscious had though, had been cataloging every mistake, every step away from the path he’d taken._ _

__Cas sighed wearily, a distinctly human gesture and he grimaced at himself for it. He needed to rid himself of these people and move on with his duty. He hated himself for his hesitancy in giving them up. When had he let his heart grow? When had these human emotions taken such root in him? He could feel them eve now, twisting their way into his body like briars. When was the last time he’d listened to a scream and felt pleasure in it? When was the last time he’d thought about hurting someone just for the sake of it? What had happened to him?_ _

__The memory of Dean calling him angel floated back to him. Perhaps he’d let Dean’s opinion of him color his actions. It had tainted his mind and he’d been subconsciously trying to live up to the moniker. No more. He couldn’t afford that weakness again. He’d been so foolish!_ _

__He did his best to pull together the tattered remains of his confidence and picked his way slowly back up to the cabin. The first step would be to distance himself from Dean. He was the strongest tie here and it needed to be severed immediately. He tried to ignore the deep pang in his chest that felt like regret but he hammered it down with an imagined fist. The tie needed to be severed immediately._ _

__xxx_ _

__Dean wasn’t sure what it was that had brought him out here in the middle of the night. There was an ache in his chest that wouldn’t seem to leave. He had had a wonderful evening with everyone, lounging around and eating pasta. He’d even gotten to offer his flannel to Cas once he noticed the other man shivering. He was reluctant to admit that seeing the other man in his clothes had caused a small thrill to go through him but it definitely had. He had gone to bed that night in an excellent mood. He was surrounded by friends and family and had just had a relaxing lake weekend with them. Everything was actually pretty perfect for once. So, why did he feel so morose all of a sudden?_ _

__He supposed he was feeling a little lonely. He had always wanted to take a family up here with him. Not that he wasn’t happy with the family that he had, but the thought of some cutie on his arm and maybe a couple rugrats running around was a vision he’d been fascinated with for years. He had hoped with Lisa… but it hadn’t been right. Maybe it was this wanting that was upsetting him. It was just like him to take a perfectly happy day and twist it into something to feel sad about. He wanted that fantasy of a family to be true. He wanted to be married and have screaming children up here with him. He wanted someone to come home to at the end of the day. A flash of dark hair and blue eyes made their way across his mind’s eye. And yeah, he wanted Cas. He wanted him something terrible._ _

__Maybe it was the picture of Cas relaxed into that old armchair, wrapped in Dean’s shirt, that had brought on all these thoughts. He had been trying to keep his flirting to a minimum out of respect for the guy, but damn if he didn’t feel overwhelmed by just being in his presence._ _

__He had risen after a few fitful hours of sleep and had tried to slip quietly from the cabin. His feet had slowed when he entered the living room, he had just been trying to be silent, he didn’t want to wake Cas up after all. That’s what he told himself anyway. Really, he had slowed so that he could catch a glimpse of the other man sleeping on the couch. He hadn’t been disappointed and he hadn’t managed to hold back a smile at the sight of the dark-haired man before him._ _

__Cas was curled tightly into a ball on the mushed cushions under him. He had a blanket tucked up over his shoulders and a hand curled loosely over the edge of it, as if he were afraid it would try to leave him while he slept. Dean wanted to run his fingers through the raven dark hair as it peeked out messily over a pillow and he had to clench his hands at his sides to prevent himself from doing just that. The steady rise and fall of Cas’s chest was surprisingly soothing to see and Dean felt his own breathing slow to match it. He was completely enamored with this strange man. He hadn’t even realized when it had happened, but God he wanted him._ _

__He straightened stiffly and edged around the back of the couch. He needed to get out of here, quickly. The air seemed too hot in here all of a sudden, he needed to get outside and see the stars and feel the breeze on his cheeks. He tried to remain silent as he slipped out the front door and trotted out towards the dock on the lake. It was so dark out here that he almost tripped over a rock that he hadn’t noticed. He was glad that he’d thought to slip on a pair of shoes before leaving or that easily could have broken his toe._ _

__He slowed as he neared the water and he inhaled deeply. He urged his heart to slow and his breathing to even out as he did his best to soak in the serene atmosphere around him. He glanced upwards at the stars and watched in fascination as they winked at him from their place in the Heavens. _Do you guys get lonely up there? Surrounded by friends and family but ultimately destined to be alone forever until you burn out and die?_ Dean knew he was in a deep state of melancholy now, he was giving giant balls of gas emotions._ _

__He sighed heavily and scrubbed a hand roughly across his face. God, he was lonely. Being at this damn cabin was bringing all sorts of emotions to the surface for him. They’d been happy at first but had turned rather quickly… His earliest memories here were with his mom and his dad, even before Sammy had been born. He couldn’t remember exact details, it had been too long ago but he had impressions of what it felt like here. They were happy and warm memories, covered with sunshine and the smell of pines needles. Then years later, he and Sam coming up here with their dad before he’d passed away. Those times weren’t as easy as the ones before had been, but he and Sam had still managed to have a good time. They’d made up games and Dean had distracted Sam from their father’s temper and his drinking. Dean had even taught Sam to swim during one of those visits. Then, years after that, they’d come up here with Bobby, a few times. Bobby had taught them to fish and how to shoot guns. Those were happy times too, if a little melancholy because of the memories of what had happened here before. Years after that he and Sam would come up here alone, together or with girlfriends and Dean felt a faint smile at the thought of those drunken years in his 20’s. Finally, coming up here the last few years with Sam and Jess and Charlie and Jo and using it as a means of relaxation away from their hectic adult lives._ _

__This place had a lot of memories for him, had seen many moments in their lives. He felt ridiculous when he felt the stinging sensation of tears gathering behind his eyes. He looked out at the dark water and watched the moon play across the waves lazily. The crunch of twigs behind him drew his attention and he turned his head briefly._ _

__Cas was making his way towards him, his expression guilty. Dean felt relief and anxiety race through him at the other man’s presence. He wanted to spend more time around him, he wanted to spend every moment with him he could actually. But, he was worried that he was going to ruin a good friendship with his pathetic neediness. Plenty of people had complained about it before. Once he was in a relationship he latched on to the other person with a vengeance. He never meant too, but he had a tendency to fall hard and fast and he could see it happening all too easily with this ridiculous blue-eyed man who had swanned into his life and taken root in his heart. Dean was affectionate and required a lot of attention, he knew that. He’d always needed constant reassurances from his partners, that things were fine, that they were ok. They’d tired of it pretty quickly, snapping at Dean when he’d ask if they were ok, if they were angry with him, what he could do to fix it, etc._ _

__His dad had told him on more than one occasion that he was pathetic. His feelings were a little more sensitive than most, whether by design or from his environment, he didn’t know. He’d always tried to get a good handle on it, but those insecurities always leaked up to the surface like ground oil. There was something unnerving about someone setting a glass down too hard on a counter, or a cabinet door slammed with a little too much force. It always made him break out in a cold sweat and he could never really figure out why. He figured that was why all of his relationships had failed, he had just needed too much. Too much support, too many reassurances, too much time, too much attention, too much this, too much that. He was pathetic, for sure._ _

__He refocused on Cas in front of him and felt a faint sense of whimsy as the moon silhouetted Cas’s features, casting soft light across his face. He looked ethereal, angelic even. It was with a self-deprecating smile that he signed to him in greeting._ _

__ ”Hey, Angel. You coming to watch over me?” _ _

__Dean turned his back on the man, unwilling to see his reaction to that statement. It had been silly, to use that nickname. But, it had seemed to fit in that moment. He listened carefully to Cas’s movements, wondering what it was that had brought him out here. He knew that he had been silent when exiting the house, so perhaps he had simply woken up to get water or use the bathroom._ _

__He willed his body to still when Cas stepped up next to him, level with his side. Dean was hyper-aware of where he was positioned next to him and was momentarily distracted from his maudlin thoughts by the coolness that seemed to settle over his skin with the other man’s presence. Dean didn’t know how he did that, but every time he was near it was like being kissed by a gentle breeze or dipped into a cool pool. It never failed to ease the heat constantly racing under his skin and he relaxed into it._ _

__They were silent next to one another for a long time until Dean felt pressure over his shoulder. He tensed slightly, unprepared for the contact. But the cool wisps of comfort that seeped down into his body from the small point of contact quickly eased his muscles and he found himself leaning more fully towards the stoic man to his left. Cas left his hand there for a moment and Dean was happy for the comfort he was offering._ _

__After a time though, Cas lifted his hand and Dean was about to mourn it’s loss when the cool fingers trailed down his arms, over his elbow, past the inside of his forearm and settled lightly inside his hand. Cas pressed his palm to Dean’s and squeezed his fingers lightly. _Oh…_ Dean thought dumbly. _Oh, we’re holding hands…__ _

__Dean closed his eyes tightly at the feeling. He reminded himself that this was a friendly interaction. Cas was so socially stunted that he couldn’t mean anything romantic with this action. Oh, but he wanted! _Come on, Winchester. Keep it together…_ He allowed himself to squeeze Cas’s fingers once in recognition. He felt tears sting his eyes and he kept them closed in an attempt to stave them off. He couldn’t go blubbering at a time like this. Cas was trying to comfort him, he didn’t need Dean having a complete breakdown on him. Besides, everything was great right now! It was just wonderful! Why was he acting like this! _ _

__The feeling of their palms together only seemed to remind him of his thoughts from earlier though and he cursed himself silently. He hadn’t been with anyone, really been with them, in a four years. He missed the connection, the easy company, the intimacy. He felt a small shudder run through him and he hoped Cas didn’t notice it. There was a hole in his chest and he didn’t know how to fill it. These gentle touches and quiet assurances from Cas were going to rip him apart though. He needed to take a step back before he took another step forward. It would have been all too easy to wrap his arms around the dark-haired man and he couldn’t afford to do that to their friendship._ _

__Dean finally managed to pull himself together enough that he could open his eyes and turn towards the other man. He knew that they were glassy, knew he looked like he was going to cry, maybe he would once he got inside. He ignored it though and did what he could to thank Cas for his support. He squeezed the fingers wrapped around his briefly, silently and in thanks, before dropping his hand and taking a step backwards._ _

__He pulled a breath in through his nose and turned towards the house. He made his way into the dark cabin quietly and walked straight towards his room. He doubted he’d be able to sleep any more that night, but that was just as well. Maybe he needed some time to mull over his own sad thoughts before they consumed him. He settled heavily on the edge of his bed and looked down at his hands. He felt hollow inside, like his insides had been scooped out with a large spoon and thrown away somewhere. He knew, logically, that he’d feel better once the sun came up, everything always seemed better in the light of the morning. But right now, he felt like shit. He spent another half hour staring down at his hands before exhaustion took him hostage and he was forced to lay down on the bed. He managed to snatch a few hours of sleep, though it was hardly restful and he woke in the mornings with half-remembered dreams and an itch under his skin._ _

__He woke the next morning stiff and uncomfortable. He’d fallen asleep with his arms crossed over his chest and he stretched them out slowly. The fingers were curled tightly into fists and he moaned lowly at the dead feeling as he tried to get sensation back into them. What an awful night. He yawned widely and frowned at the cotton mouth he was experiencing. Awful, awful, night._ _

__He stood on stiff legs and rolled his neck in small circles. Vague snatches of dreams drifted back to him and he did his best to ignore them. They hadn’t been pleasant and he wasn’t eager to relive them. He needed to brush his teeth and take a shower, desperately. It would feel good to wash the film of sweat off of him and hopefully it would also allow his mind to ease and prepare for the week ahead._ _

__He hesitated with his hand on his doorknob. He hadn’t thought about Cas yet that morning. Would things be awkward again between them? Well, they hadn’t been last time, not really. In fact, Cas had been really amazing about the whole thing. Maybe he should be putting more faith into the man. Maybe, just maybe, he could start to hope for something more. Cas’s eyes last night had been wary and concerned. He was worried about Dean and Dean allowed the thought to pool in his mind and warm his chest. He had come outside of his own accord and sought Dean out. He had even held his hand without any prompting! Maybe… maybe this wasn’t a totally lost cause. Maybe… maybe…_ _

__He felt a smile alit on his face. He hadn’t been able to see it last night, tormented as he had been. Cas had come after him and held his hand while Dean had moped. Cas had offered his silent support and hadn’t even balked when Dean had called him Angel! His poor night’s sleep was completely forgotten now. A small glimmer of hope had blossomed in his chest and he was excited to feel it._ _

__He stepped out of his room with a bounce in his step and looked up and down the hall with a raised eyebrow. No peeps from anyone yet, maybe they were all still asleep. He actually hadn’t checked the time when he’d gotten up and he had no idea how early it was._ _

__He was about to step towards the living room but halted. Cas might still be asleep… He deserved some more rest after Dean had kept him up the night before. He would shower first and then peek in to see how Cas was doing. He snagged his towel from his room and strutted down the hallway. His glimmer of hope burned softly into an ember._ _

__He emerged from the shower half an hour later, pink cheeked and relaxed. He felt a million times better than before and he tapped the rhythm to a Styx song against his thigh as he trotted back to his room. There was some movement in the kitchen so he knew that someone had gotten up. The smell of coffee hadn’t permeated the house yet so they must not have been up for long. He ducked into his room and let his towel drop from his hips. The cooler air of the room hit his shower warmed skin and he shivered at the sensation. What to wear, what to wear… They would be driving today, so something comfortable. But, and he was a little embarrassed to be thinking this way, he wanted to look good as well. He was going to be wooing today after all!_ _

__He finally snagged a dark brown henley from his bag, it complemented his eyes, and tugged loose jeans over his hips. In his poor planning he’d forgotten to pack extra underwear so he was going without today. That thought was a little exciting in itself and he smiled at himself playfully. It was remarkable what a change in mood the morning managed to have on him. Maybe he had just needed to feel pathetic for a little bit, get it out of his system, and then he’d be ready to go after that._ _

__He ran the towel quickly over his head, drying his short hair as best he could. He glanced down at himself thoughtfully. _Not bad!_ He hastened out of the room, he’d pack later. He was eager to see a grumpy Cas that morning. He was disappointed though when he made his way into the kitchen. Jo was standing at the counter with her back to him. She was sloppily pouring coffee into a two cups and yawning loudly. He rolled his eyes at her and peeked over the edge of the couch. No Cas. Hmm…_ _

__“Your boyfriend’s on the porch.” Came Jo’s sleepy voice._ _

__Dean turned startled eyes towards her and blinked owlishly._ _

__She rolled her eyes at him exaggeratedly. “You’re not very subtle, dude.” She sipped her scalding beverage with a grimace and gestured towards the porch with her head. Dean passed her into the kitchen as she made her way back down the hall with both the coffee cups. _Curious…_ Dean thought as he watched her pass._ _

__He quickly poured himself a cup of coffee and cleaned up the counter where Jo had spilled coffee and sugar. She was an absolute menace. He stirred the liquid in his cup with the end of a discarded knife to mix in his cream and took a steadying breath. He was suddenly nervous though he couldn’t place why. Maybe because he was looking at Cas in a new light, with potential. He stifled a giddy grin before it spread across his face and he schooled his features._ _

__He peeked out the window by the nook table and sure enough, there was Cas sitting on the porch steps with a blanket wrapped snuggly around his shoulders. He looked adorable. Dean noticed that he already had a cup of coffee so he didn’t pour one for the other man. He maneuvered around the room and pulled open the door to the porch._ _

__He took a deep breath before approaching Cas slowly. He was still barefoot and his feet poked out the bottom of his jeans a little ridiculously. He noticed then that one if his toes was bent at a strange angle, he’d broken it years ago during a night he didn’t want to think about. He worried briefly that Cas would think it was ugly. He sat down next to Cas on the steps, his mug held easily by the handle. He was careful to keep his broken toe out of sight, just in case. Cas was hunched in on himself, looking sleep rumpled. He had his own cup cradled between his palms and the heat from it was curling up towards his face, winding around his cheeks like a caress. Dean watched in fascination as the vapors wrapped around his cheek and ghosted over the hair curled around his temple. After another moment Dean noticed the lines in Cas’s face tightening and he realized that he’d been staring too long. He quickly averted his gaze out towards the woods around them. He felt heat creep up his neck at his small lapse in good judgement. Beside him Cas hadn’t seemed to relax and Dean frowned a little. He was careful not to look over at him again, but Dean felt his discomfort in the tight lines of his body._ _

__It was early, and Cas was definitely not a morning person. He knew that so he wouldn’t think much of it. In fact, Cas being a grump in the mornings was endearing so Dean didn’t push the issue. He needed his coffee and then he’d wake up and he’d be happy to talk to Dean again._ _

__Dean blew gently on his mug and waited for the liquid to cool down. The morning was balmy and he was warm already in his jeans and long sleeved shirt. He hastily shoved the sleeves up his arms and tried to think cool thoughts. He didn’t know how Cas could stand being out here with this humidity and covered in a blanket like that. He was part lizard for sure, maybe Charlie hadn’t been too far off when she’d accused him of being a reptilian overlord._ _

__They sat in silence a while longer before noises from inside drew their attention. It seemed that the house was waking up and Dean lamented the loss of his quiet moment with the dark-haired man. Cas rose then and pulled his comforter tighter around his shoulders. He didn’t spare a glance towards Dean as he made his way back into the house and Dean frowned a little after him. He was more grumpy this morning than usual. _Well, he was up late last night… Oh well, he’ll settle down after his coffee and a shower._ They had a long car ride ahead of them today. Maybe he could offer to drive Cas back! Sam would be riding with Jess after all, and he had a sneaking suspicion that Charlie and Jo would be riding together. _ _

__Oh that could work out perfectly! He would offer as soon as the opportunity presented itself! He congratulated himself on his plan and rose himself to head back into the cooler environs of the cabin._ _

__xxx_ _

__Cas had stayed up the rest of the night, plotting how to end this connection he had with Dean. It wouldn’t be easy, he was pretty attached to the blonde mechanic. And he wished he was more ashamed to admit it. He sighed heavily, a human gesture that he had picked up too easily. He was in a lot of trouble._ _

__He had laid still and silent on the couch while Jo had blundered her way into the kitchen. She had messily made coffee and had made quite a bit of noise as she had done so. He closed his eyes against the clanging of pots and the scraping of metal on the island. He had no idea how she managed to work in a restaurant. She was like a bull raging around inside the small cabin._ _

__After a few minutes he couldn’t stand it anymore and he rose fluidly to his feet. She seemed startled to see him and squeaked when he materialized in the kitchen behind her. He merely maneuvered around her however and prepared a cup of coffee for himself. He grabbed a blanket from the couch and wrapped it tightly around his shoulders before snatching up his cup and stepping outside into the brightening morning._ _

__He was probably being rude, he hadn’t even greeted Jo. But, he had moved past caring about it. She had been nice enough, but she was yet another distraction from his mission up here and he needed to start working towards his goal again._ _

__He listened with half an ear to the sounds of the forest around him. It had entranced him before but he found that it was turning his stomach now. He was a fool. He’d made an absolute mess of his mission! Gabriel would be furious and he would be deserving of his ire when he finally graced Castiel with his presence again._ _

__He sipped absently at his coffee and allowed his thoughts to wander. He would probably need to quit his job and move. He could call Gabe for help, though he was loathe to ask a favor. Gabriel would surely have a million questions about why things weren’t working out here. He didn’t think he’d have good answers for him, he couldn’t even think of any fabricated answers that would be up to snuff._ _

__The sound of soft footfalls behind him drew his attention. The gentle rustle of fabric and a starkly male scent washed over him. _Dean._ He hadn’t prepared himself to see the other man yet and he felt his posture stiffen as Dean settled next to him on the steps. _ _

__He could see Dean contemplating him from the corner of his eye and he felt himself tense further. Was he expecting Cas to talk? They had shared a… moment… last night. It was intimate for being so simple and he felt a slight pull in his chest towards the other man. He did his best to stamp down the wistful longing that was blossoming in him. This was ridiculous! He hadn’t even noticed that this was happening to him! It was this damn mortal body, he was sure of it! It was having some strange reactions to being up here, mortal reactions, but they were inappropriate and he needed to get himself in check._ _

__He managed to sit through another tense minute here on the porch before the tightness in his chest became too much to bear. He stood quickly, careful not to spill coffee all over himself. He longed to turn his head and greet Dean warmly, wanted to see the curl of the other man’s smile and the way the sun would shine off of the tips of his hair. He tightened his lips and gripped his mug tightly between his hands. He needed to stop this. Now._ _

__He hurried back inside, feeling like a coward as he did so, but not sure how else to distance himself from Dean. His heart rate had skyrocketed and he placed a stray hand against his chest and closed his eyes briefly. _Come on, come on, please slow down… Please._ His body was betraying him and he frowned at himself._ _

__They were leaving the lake later that morning and he felt immensely relieved that he’d get to ride back with Charlie. She was easy company. He needed to sever his ties with her as well but his attachment to her wasn’t nearly as strong as his to Dean. _One step at a time. One small step at a time. There’s plenty of time to meet my quota, I won’t be overshooting my goal like I had hoped but there’s still time to meet the minimum.__ _

__Maybe a shower would ease his thoughts? He needed to wash off the exhaustion that he was suddenly feeling. He snatched his bag quickly, unwilling to be caught alone in the living room by Dean. He was being an absolute coward. He scurried down the hall and closed the bathroom door behind himself quickly. The door caught with a soft “snick” and he turned the lock just in case. He knew that no one would come barging in here while he was showering but it made him feel better just the same._ _

__He felt a moment of disquiet as he stared at the shower blankly. Images of his most recent trip in the small cubicle came back to him and he felt a blush rise to his cheeks. He’d been so wanton! He was surprised the people in the house hadn’t heard him moaning in here. Chuck, help him. The thought of it was causing pleasant tingles to radiate from his cock._ _

__He placed a hand over himself and closed his eyes. He prayed for strength to whoever was listening, maybe not the smartest idea he’d ever had but he was in a weak moment. Dean had him all turned around and he wasn’t handling it well._ _

__He released a shaking breath and turned the water on with a slight tremor in his hand. He JUST had to make it through the morning, then he didn’t even need to talk to Dean outside of work again. And if he was quitting his job anyway then he wouldn’t ever even have to see him again. Ever. He defiantly ignored the feeling of despair that clutched at his heart._ _

__He made quick work of his shower, not wanting to linger under the spray, lest his body react in a more carnal fashion. Being mortal was so exhausting! How did people manage all these… feelings… all the time? He was disgusted with himself for being so torn about the whole situation. He was even more distraught over the fact that now that he was nude and under the spray of warm water he was experiencing arousal again. This was just ridiculous! How did people manage to get anything done?!_ _

__He dressed slowly. He he decided more layers was the smartest way to go today, almost like a shield between him and the world around him. He needed all the help he could get. He pulled on underwear, jeans, a t shirt, a long sleeved shirt and a sweater. He felt more snug than he had in a week and he closed his eyes at the sensation. That was good, that was safe. He toweled his feet off quickly, not liking the feeling of damp feet inside socks. He would do what he could to try and hustle everyone else along this morning. They needed to leave sooner rather than later. Perhaps he could lie about needing to be home for some reason? Maybe he’d left the stove on? He had heard people making that excuse on the television. He supposed it would indeed be cause for concern. Everyone would be sympathetic to that, they wouldn’t want his house to burn down._ _

__Oh. But… Hadn’t Dean been in a house fire when he was younger? Maybe lying about something like that would be insensitive… Wait. He was a DEMON! He was made to be insensitive. These people had corrupted him, it had gone the wrong way ‘round._ _

__“Fuck…” He whispered to himself. “Fucking fuck fuck, Cas.”_ _

__He rested his head against the door that led out into the hallway beyond. He needed to pull himself together and get out there. He could ignore Dean for a while longer. Perhaps maintain some stilted conversation with him while he waited for the others to get around. It was just for a short time more, just a little longer._ _

__He inhaled deeply and let all his breath out in a rush. _Ok, ok…__ _

__xxx_ _

__Dean had made a quick scan of the room when he entered but he was alone in the living room. He shrugged to himself and settled himself at a chair at the nook table. Everyone would be getting up and around soon enough. He busied himself with staring into his half-drunk coffee and picturing as many scenarios as he could featuring him confessing some type of feeling for Cas. Though, these scenarios quickly devolved into Dean simply kissing the other man silly and Cas getting a dopey expression on his face. Maybe he’d do it after an uncomfortable attempt at trying to explain his feelings, Cas would have that squinty look on his face and his head tilted to the side. Dean could just kiss the look of his face._ _

__He had a small grin on his face when Sam and Jess made their way into the kitchen. They shared a covert look at one another and a knowing smile before Dean noticed their approach. He still had a half smile on his face when he looked at them, unaware of the expression he was wearing._ _

__“Mornin’!” Jess enthused. “You look like you had a… nice night.” She winked at him slyly._ _

__He rolled his eyes at her in an exaggerated manner. ”Woah, girl. Settle down.” He signed at her with a smile._ _

__Sam piped up after her. “I don’t know, Dean. You look like you had a VERY nice night. Care to share with the class?”_ _

__Dean frowned at him. ”None of your damn business. Unless…” Dean grinned wickedly at Sam here. ”I could provide you with some… graphic details.”_ _

__The color drained from Sam’s face and he shook his head vehemently. “No, no, no. Forget I said anything, oh God, no.”_ _

__Jess had the opposite reaction however. She was clapping her hands merrily and her eyes were sparkling with mirth. “Yessss! Dean, divulge everything! I want to know EVERYTHING!”_ _

__Sam looked at her as if betrayed. “Jessica!” He hissed at her. She merely flapped a hand at him and laughed at the look of horror on his face._ _

__ ”Relax, you losers. I slept in my own bed, by myself, fully clothed, etc etc.” _ _

__Jess looked crestfallen but Sam looked relieved at that statement. Dean rolled his eyes at the both of them. ”I hate you guys. Seriously.”_ _

__Jess laughed good-naturedly as she prepared coffee for herself and Sam. Dean considered casually mentioning his plan to drive Cas home. He could play it off as nonchalant, they wouldn’t suspect anything, right? He was about to sign the idea over to them when Cas himself made an appearance in the hallway. His hair was damp and twisted in a riot of loose curls. Dean felt his hands stick and his throat dry. He immediately aborted that plan and instead tried to focus on his coffee again._ _

__Cas still looked annoyed so Dean assumed that he hadn’t woken fully yet. He’d give him a little more time before presenting the possible new driving seating arrangement. He felt nervous all of a sudden, which was new for him. But, Cas wasn’t some rando at a bar, he was Dean’s friend. Dean’s very, very good friend. It was important to do this delicately._ _

__Cas settled himself on the couch in the living room. He’d started toying with his phone, but it looked like it was just for lack of something better to do with his hands. The morning was relaxed from there, Dean kept sneaking the occasional glance at Cas and Cas seemed lost in his thoughts. Sam and Jess seemed to have picked up on the tension but keep their peace, thankfully. Half an hour later Charlie and Jo materialized in the kitchen, both looking completely refreshed and ready to face the day. Dean eyed them suspiciously but they didn’t seem to be acting any differently towards one another. Hmm…_ _

__It was agreed almost silently that everyone would start packing at the same time. They all rose to their feet slowly and made their way towards their respective rooms. Dean leaned heavily against the door in his own room and looked surreptitiously out the window. This had been a whirlwind of a weekend and he smiled secretly to himself. It had been one of the best he’d experienced in a long while._ _

__A thump behind his head startled him back to reality and he lurched away from the door hurriedly. Sam had pounded a fist against the wood in an attempt to hurry Dean along._ _

__“Come on, dude. Waitin’ on you!” He shouted through the wood._ _

__Dean huffed silently and frowned. That wasn’t very likely, Sam was probably just being an asshole for the hell of it. Still, he grabbed his clothes where they were strewn around the room and tossed them into his large duffel. They would all be washed later so he didn’t both folding any of them. He smiled fondly at the room before exiting. His eyes landed on the bed and he patted the mattress a little reluctantly. He’d experienced one of the worst nightmares of the last couple years here but, he’d also been awoken from said nightmare by the world’s strangest angel. He still hadn’t changed Cas’s name in his phone, though he hadn’t told anyone that. Hot Wings seemed to fit in a weird way and it always made him smile to see the fire emojis and the halo pop up when they were texting._ _

___Thank you…_ He thought with a smile towards the bed. He shouldered his bag after that and hustled out of the room, before Sam had a chance to come barging in after him. Everyone was in the living room in various states of preparedness. Sam and Jess were busy cleaning out the kitchen and making sure the cabinets were secured tightly. Jo and Charlie had done the same to the bedrooms, checking windows and doors. It looked like they had even gotten Cas to check the living room windows while he was in there. Maybe they HAD been waiting on Dean. How long had he been in there lost in his thoughts…?_ _

__It took another fifteen minutes of all of them working together to make the cabin was sealed tightly and ready to weather another month or two on it’s own before Sam was satisfied with it. They all snatched their bags and did their best not to grumble at him for being such a stickler for following the proper procedure._ _

__They all wandered outside after that. They did their best not to loiter on the porch but they were all reluctant to head back to civilization. It had been a good weekend for all them and Dean especially wished that he could stretch out their time a little longer. He found that once they’d reached the porch he had gravitated towards Cas’s side. Admittedly, he might have stood a little closer to him than he should have but he couldn’t help himself! He could feel the heat of his body being absorbed by the other man and it felt nice to be rid of some of it._ _

__He did his level best to try and catch Cas’s eye more than once while they were out there but it looked like Cas still wasn’t in the mood to talk. Hmm…_ _

__“Ok!” Jo had clapped her hands together with finality. It drew everyone’s attention and 5 pairs of sleepy eyes turned towards her. “Charlie and I talked about it and since I live much closer to her than I do to Sam and Jess she offered to take me home.” She said this with a cheeky grin. Dean frowned at that and pictured the city in his head laid out on a map. He didn’t want to call Jo a liar, but she definitely didn’t live closer to Charlie than Sam and Jess. _Sneaky minx…_ He thought with a sly grin._ _

__Jess nodded along good-naturedly. “Well, Sam and I will head back together then. That way it’ll spare everyone’s eyeballs if we decide to get a little… handsy… in the car.” She shot a large wink to Sam who had the decency to blush a little. The rest of the group groaned at them._ _

__Dean felt a smile start twitching at the corners of his mouth. If Jo was riding with Charlie and Sam was riding with Jess… why, he didn’t need to suggest a new seating arrangement to anyone! They’d done it all for him! He turned happy eyes towards Cas, who looked completely mystified at this turn of events._ _

__“Charlie… won’t it be a little cramped in the car with Jo and myself both in there? It isn’t very big, after all.” Cas said with a confused tilt to his head._ _

__Oh, bless him! Dean’s small smile turned into a large grin. Poor guy always seemed to need things spelled out for him._ _

__“Hmmm… you’re right, Cas. It WOULD be cramped.” Charlie was tapping a forefinger against her chin, thoughtfully. “Oh! I have an idea!” She said with a mischievous grin. “Why don’t you ride with Dean? He’ll be by himself now that Sam’s riding with Jess. There’s tons of room in the Impala.”_ _

__Dean could have kissed her. He knew she was pulling another of her matchmaking schemes but right now he couldn’t be more happy with her plotting. He didn’t even have to bribe anyone! They were all helping him out without his prompting._ _

__He turned a smirk towards Cas but felt it falter a bit when he noticed the look on Cas’s face. He looked… less than enthused about this turn of events. Dean felt his ember of hope flicker slightly._ _

__Everyone had grabbed their bags after Charlie’s suggestion and were heading towards their respective cars with finality. Cas seemed rooted to the spot and Dean felt an uncomfortable twisting in his stomach. Did Cas not want to ride with him…? Had he… Had he misread the situation last night?_ _

__He was probably being silly, it was still early for Cas. Dean clapped a hand against Cas’s shoulder and tried to ignore the tension under his hand. ”Ready to go, buddy?” _Oh my God, buddy? Dean… you’re cockblocking yourself…__ _

__Cas hadn’t turned to look at him though. He’d simply snatched his bag forcefully from the ground and walked stiffly over to Dean’s shining black car. Maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the bed? They’d had a late night after all…_ _

__Dean followed after him, doing his best not to feel a little forlorn. _It’s still early, Cas isn’t a morning person. Maybe he’s just bummed about heading back? It’s still early…__ _

__xxx_ _

__Cas wasn’t sure how this had happened. He had been all set to ride back with Charlie and then she’d dumped him like a hot potato into Dean’s lap. He felt irrational anger spark under his skin at her. She had put him in a very uncomfortable situation. He was now stuck in the car with Dean for an indefinite amount of time. So much for limiting their exposure. He felt his lip curl in disgust._ _

__Dean had spent the entire morning standing too close to him and trying to get his attention. He obviously wasn’t understanding what Cas’s chilly attitude and stiff posture were trying to convey. The man was mute not stupid, this was ridiculous. It was as if he was deliberately ignoring all the signs that Cas was putting out that clearly said, “BACK OFF”._ _

__He tightened his arms a little more around his chest and looked resolutely out the window. Dean had spent the first half hour of the car ride shooting glances at him, which Cas had ignored as best he could. After that, he’d tried to start a few conversations with him. He’d signed over things like, “you did a good job swimming” and “did you enjoy yourself” he even tried to tentatively touch the waters of what had happened in the nights over the weekend with “sorry if you didn’t get much sleep”._ _

__Cas had ignored all of it, turning further and further away from Dean as the man tried with increasingly desperate hand movements to pull him into conversation. Cas felt an ache under his breastbone but he ignored it. He was a demon and he didn’t have time for this shit. He needed to cut these ties and move the fuck on from this place. Sioux Falls would be his downfall if he stayed much longer. He needed to get away and quickly._ _

__The drive seemed to take light years longer than it had on the way up and Cas felt almost sick to his stomach at the tension in the car. Dean eventually stopped trying to get his attention when it became VERY apparent that Cas was trying to ignore him. He felt a sadness radiating out from the driver’s side of the car and Cas hunched his shoulders in towards himself at it. Good. He was here to cause suffering after all. But, even as he thought about it, the pain in his chest intensified._ _

__After what felt like an eternity they finally pulled up outside of Cas’s apartment and Cas nearly let out a sigh of relief. Finally! He grabbed the handle of his bag from where it sat on the floor well below him and was about to exit the car when a tentative tap on his shoulder drew his attention. He closed his eyes against the sensation. Dean was trying to get his attention again. Fuck._ _

__Against his better judgement he turned slowly in his seat towards the other man. Dean looked at him with eyes positively swimming in discomfort and Cas felt a tightening in his throat. He had caused this… this reaction in the other man. _That’s the way it should be… that’s what I’m here to do after all...__ _

__Dean looked at him warily and then down at his hands with a small frown. There was a tiny tremble to his shoulders and Cas steeled himself against what was coming. Dean lifted his hands slowly and looked like he was thinking over his words carefully. Eventually though, his shoulders slumped forward and he signed simply._ _

__ ”Sorry.” _ _

__Dean wouldn’t meet his eyes after that and Cas found himself confused. That hadn’t been what he anticipated. Anger was what he’d been expecting, honestly. But, this was… this was horrible. Dean finally raised his eyes and Cas felt like a knife had been thrust into his chest. Dean looked completely wrecked, his eyes shining and his cheeks inflamed. Shame. His mind supplied the emotion for him, Dean was experiencing shame. Cas felt the knife twist a little more._ _

__“Why are you sorry?” Cas asked in confusion. He was in uncharted territory here and wasn’t sure how to navigate the terrain. He’d only been human for a few measly months and anything beyond superficial emotions were still a mystery to him. Dean was… hurting. His soul was positively screaming. Cas could see it pulsing around the edges and folding in on itself. _I did this to him… I’m making this happen to him…_ Cas felt a certain awe in that. Friends had such POWER over one another. Why would humans give away their affections so EASILY if this was the possible outcome?_ _

__Across from him Dean shrugged miserably. He didn’t seem to have any more words to give to Cas. Cas cast about for something to say. Did he allow this to be the end of their friendship? It would be easy to do, this could be exactly what he’d been looking to do earlier. All it had taken was some stony silence on his part and his relationship with Dean was all but obliterated._ _

__Dean had seemed to find something else to say and he lifted his hands slowly. ”Sorry about what happened… at the lake.”_ _

__Oh! Oh. Oh no… Cas felt physical pain at the look on Dean’s face. He had witnessed a moment of weakness from Dean at the lake and Dean seemed to think that Cas was… angry at him for it. That would explain the shame. Dean thought he had done something wrong. Cas had actually done a good job of ruining this friendship and it hadn’t even been intentional. Humans were so gentle, hurt so easily. Demons really didn’t even need to torture them if they were going to torture themselves and each other with words._ _

__He frowned. He needed to make a decision. Did he leave this conversation at that? Allow Dean’s guilt and assumptions to rend this relationship apart? Or… did he try and assuage Dean’s fears and end it a little more amicably? What to do, what to do…_ _

__The look on Dean’s face finally made the decision for him. The man had looked up at him in confusion for a moment, with a little hope in his eyes. Only to look down hurriedly at the frown on Cas’s face. Right._ _

__Cas reached a tentative hand towards Dean but paused half-way through the motion. His hand hung heavy in the air between them. Cas had lost his nerve and now wasn’t sure what to do with it. “You did nothing wrong, Dean.” He said quietly._ _

__Dean’s shoulders tightened again but he looked up at Cas. He looked completely lost and Cas gulped heavily. He couldn’t do this. He wasn’t prepared for this. He gripped his bag tighter and all but bolted from the car. He had tripped a little over the curb but had ignored his stumble as he fled to the safer environs of his building. He didn’t so much as glance backwards before the door was slammed behind him. He leaned his back against the wood of the door and took several deep breaths. He was in too deep in this place. He’d really fucked up. He pounded his head once against the wood and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He listened through it to the sound of the Impala’s engine as it continued to rumble outside._ _

__Dean was still sitting out there. He was probably wondering what in the hell had just happened, Cas certainly was. There was a pit opening slowly in his chest and he was finding it difficult to breathe. What had happened to him! He was a denizen of Hell, a demon of the highest caliber, trusted with a sacred duty. What had happened…_ _

__The gentle rumble of the engine outside lingered so long that Cas almost broke down and walked back outside. He stayed against the door though, eyes shut tightly and listening to that engine until it finally roared back to life and grew fainter. Dean had left. Finally. So, why did he feel like the hole in him had gotten bigger?_ _

__“I’m in so much trouble…” Cas whispered to the silent hallway before him._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no.. poor boys. Let me know your thoughts! I've flown past my goal of 80,000 words and I'm already at 110,000 and going strong. I ended up writing holiday chapters on accident and I am SO SO SO excited to post them. See you next week!


	7. What a Strange Snake!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missed you guys!

Dean laid in bed and stared at his ceiling with a vacant expression. He felt empty inside and he had only himself to blame. He’d scared Cas away. The guy had been a friend, only a friend, and one he hadn’t even known for very long. Dean had spooked him with his stupid over emotional night time wanderings and it was his own damn fault. It had been a week since the disaster of the lake weekend and Dean had been drifting around the house and work like a ghost ever since. He had avoided the coffee shop like a plague house and Sam was starting to worry about him. He could see it in the tight lines around his brother’s eyes when he looked at him.

How did he tell Sam that yes, he had liked Cas but that wasn’t really what this was about? Dean had allowed himself to hope, to start to open up to someone for the first time really since Lisa. And everything had blown up in his face because of it. He was pathetic and destined to be alone. How did he tell his perfect, happy, little brother that he was just fated to be alone and miserable forever. Look what happened! He had given Cas a glimpse of what lay underneath and the man had thrown it back in his face. Even with the awkward conversation outside his apartment building. Cas had told him that he didn’t need to apologize, which was bullshit. 

He’d tried to give Cas space since then but the man hadn’t made any attempt to contact him. Dean felt a bitterness twist inside him at the thought. He was worthless, he’d heard it time and time again from his old man. Sam had always been furious when he’d heard John laying into Dean, but… Maybe it was time to start believing it again. John might have been a drunk but he wasn’t stupid. Maybe he had the long and short of his oldest son right on the money after all... 

Dean curled onto his side and clutched a pillow to his chest. He felt pathetic. He had gone through these bouts of melancholy before, this would pass eventually. He hoped anyway. He just had to keep it from Sam, which was easier said than done. There had been a long stint in his late teens where Dean had been forced by well-meaning family members, aka Bobby and Sam, to visit a psychiatrist. He’d been prescribed all manner of pills to treat his myriad of symptoms. When one combination didn’t work, they’d swap something out and try again. It had been an agonizing few years with words like “clinical depression” “generalized anxiety” and “PTSD” thrown around frequently. The fact that they didn’t even know what would work, that it was just a guess and check system, hadn’t given him a lot of confidence in doctors. He didn’t really trust them to this day because of it. 

Sam had been so worried the entire time that Dean barely had a minute alone. He’d fussed over Dean until they’d both become physically ill at the stress of it all. Dean had been fortunate that he’d mostly “grown out” of it all. He still wasn’t sure what had happened, something to do with adolescent hormones, but after a while the large weight that seemed to constantly sit in his stomach had eased a little. His nightmares had lessened and he’d eventually been able to smile and laugh again. The first time he’d cracked a joke during that time Sam had cried. Actually, truly shed large tears of happiness. It had startled Dean and he’d felt embarrassed for him. Sam hadn’t minded one bit and had simply hugged Dean until he couldn’t breathe.

Every now and then those tickles of emptiness courted him again. It wasn’t often, thankfully, and it was never as bad as it had been back then. But he knew what they meant and he allowed them to brush against him now. Sometimes the numbness was easier to slip into than the overwhelming feeling of all his emotions slamming into him at once.

He had to be careful to school his expression when he was around Sam and Bobby. They’d know if he wasn’t on his game and they’d start asking uncomfortable questions. Yes, this had started with Cas. But, he wasn’t the root cause of it. The cause was all Dean and always would be. 

He sniffed once and buried his face into the pillow in his arms. He needed to collect himself. He’d managed to beg out of going to the Roadhouse on Friday, claiming exhaustion. Sam had let it pass because Dean had looked absolutely ruined really. Dean had avoided asking about how it was but Sam and Jess had told him anyway. It was apparently a double date that Friday, Cas hadn’t shown either. Dean worried briefly that Cas would be losing all his friends in town because of Dean. He still worked with Charlie, so at least he’d see her regularly.

He sighed heavily and his breath left him in a whoosh. Maybe he could shoot Cas a text? Test the waters a little? Just check to make sure everything was ok, maybe… No. No, that would only invite more heartache. Best to just leave that wound alone, the bandaid had already been ripped off. There was no need to put another one on it. 

Dean glanced at his phone briefly. **03:00AM** the large white numbers flashed back at him. Wonderful. His insomnia had returned with a vengeance. He placed his pillow over his head and pressed it firmly against his face. _I need help… I can feel myself slipping…_

xxx

Cas has managed to keep himself going the last two weeks with minimal success. He’d considered calling Gabriel when he’d returned from the lake weekend but had banished the idea almost immediately. He didn’t want to go crawling to his asshole big brother for something like this. He’d ridicule Cas for the rest of eternity and he didn’t have it in him to deal with it. 

He had decided to keep his job for a while longer, he needed to accrue some more money before he left and he already had an established job here. The possibility of obtaining funds in more nefarious pursuits didn’t even cross his mind. He had managed to continue his friendship with Charlie, though it was against his better judgement. Though he had been a bit more frosty with her than he’d been before. She had noticed but had ignored it in typical Charlie fashion. She had simply soldiered on with her cheerful optimism and refused to allow Castiel to bring down the mood of the coffee shop. Jo had stopped in a couple of times while he was working and she’d given him a high-five each time and spoken to him briefly.

He wasn’t sure what all that meant but he was past the point of caring. He had been trying to work out an exit strategy and he was failing quite spectacularly. For being one of Hell’s best strategists he was being quite unsuccessful with the simple act of MOVING.

He’d managed to allow righteous indignation to color his mood for the first few days. He had pushed the tightness and pain in his chest away and resolutely ignored the image of Dean’s face in the Impala when it floated to him. He hadn’t been able to control his dreams, which was a damn shame. He hated feeling of being so helpless while he slept and he didn’t know how humans could stand to do it Every. Fucking. Night. 

The image of Dean’s face completely absorbed with shame always came to him first, and then the others in the group would make an appearance. They’d all blame Cas for doing this to Dean, they all knew that he was demon in these dreams and Cas felt his own shame at what he was under their relentless accusations. The dream would inevitably shift and Gabriel and Anael would come to him then, telling him he was neither human nor demon but some abomination comprised of both. His shame would only intensify at the looks of fury on their faces. He had woken up gasping the first couple of nights it had happened. He’d been absolutely terrified that these things had actually happened and had looked around himself expecting to see Gabe and Anna descending on him to take him home to be punished for his transgressions.

It was Friday, two weeks since he’d gone to the lake with the others. That time had felt so magical that he was almost embarrassed at how fondly he thought of it. In between his nightmares of Dean’s face came the image of how Dean looked while he’d helped Cas to learn to swim. All lean muscle and broad shoulders. Cas had woken more than once sporting a raging erection and he hid grit his teeth and ignored it until it had gone away each time.

His skin felt like it had bugs living underneath it. It was itchy and felt like something was crawling under the first layer, just out of sight. He didn’t know what it all meant but he knew that he was uncomfortable and… sad. He felt sad. After the first couple of nights his righteous indignation had given way to a terrible grief. He’d never felt this way before and he didn’t know how people managed to get through the day with something like this living in their gut.

Charlie had tentatively asked him if he was going out with them that night and Cas had hedged and waffled, never giving a real answer. How did he explain? How did he tell her that he simply COULDN’T see Dean again or his resolve about this whole plan would shatter? She wouldn’t understand, couldn’t really, because she didn’t KNOW that Cas was a demon. He was meant for bigger, better and more evil things than working at a coffee shop and entertaining romantic notions of a small town mechanic.

He had finally been honest with himself about that. His feelings towards Dean had been bordering on romantic. Knew it because of the warmth that floated through him at the thought of the other man’s skin under his hands, the way his eyes had sparkled with mirth when Cas didn’t get a reference, or the proud smile he’d given him when Cas had learned a new sign. Cas shivered where he lay in his bed at the thought. They had maybe tipped past romantic. All the better that he’d severed that connection… right?

The longer he’d let it sit the more he had questioned the wisdom of his decision. Maybe experiencing all those emotions wasn’t such a bad thing. He could be more of an asset in Hell now that he understood what truly could cut to the heart of a human. What REALLY made them tick and what could REALLY destroy them. Causing physical pain was one thing, but there was an untapped market for emotional torment that they weren’t exploring. 

Cas ignored the roiling sensation in his stomach at the idea of passing this information along to his superiors. He had really messed up. Even now, he had caught his hand inching towards his phone. He’d picked it up multiple times in the last few days, wanting to tell Dean something interesting that he’d seen or something funny a customer had done. Only to remember at the last second that they weren’t speaking anymore, weren’t even friends anymore. 

In the two weeks that had passed he’d been working near tirelessly to try and contract some souls in the South Dakota town. He hadn’t made much progress. In the first week he’d gone to parks, bars, restaurants, even braved the mall again, and they’d left him empty handed. He had managed to work up the nerve to talk to what felt like hundreds of people at those innocuous places and still… nothing. He could spot the people with longing in their eyes and he’d get himself worked up enough that he could introduce himself and start a polite conversation and then when he’d finally managed to cut to the quick of the situation and ask them about something they wanted, something they were yearning for he’d flounder. This ridiculous human heart of his would weep at the sob stories these people relayed to him and he’d have to physically hold back his tears at what he heard.

One had been a mother at a park who had lost her son some months ago, another was a man at a bar who’s wife had cheated on him and left him for her boss, one who’d lost everything he owned in a gamble in the stock market, on and on they went. Cas had listened attentively, ready to offer what they were searching for the most, only for the words to catch in his throat before he could utter them. He’d be seconds away from signing a contract, only to have a voice whisper in his mind, and it sounded suspiciously like his drunken angel Dream Dean. The voice would say something like, _It isn’t right, Castiel…_ or _Look at their face, Castiel…_ or _They’re hurting, Castiel… Castiel, Castiel, Castiel…._ He HATED that voice. But, inevitably when it started whispering, all he’d be able to do is pat the shoulder of the person he was talking to sympathetically and let them talk themselves into exhaustion. They’d thank him for his time and then be on their way.

It was after much soul searching, or whatever floated around inside of him searching, that he was able to talk himself around. There wasn’t anything for this, he HAD to start signing souls. He just had too. And so with a bitterness in his heart and a pit in his stomach he’d made his way into a bar, a strip club, and most interestingly, a police station. 

At the bar, he found a man mourning the death of his daughter. She’d been killed by a drunk driver and it looked like there were no suspects. With a tremor in his hands, Cas produced the contract that would find the man and bring him to justice. The man had signed it eagerly, and a little drunkenly. Cas had then produced the man in question and allowed the grieving father to exact whatever vengeance he thought necessary. Cas hadn’t stayed to watch.

At the strip club, he came across a woman, clearly addicted to something, heroin he supposed. Her dance had been uncomfortable and disjointed and Cas had watched her in trepidation. Her soul was virtually screaming out her pain, so she’d been easy to find. He waited until she was off the stage and paid her for a private dance. He kept his hands clenched at his sides the entire time he attempted to talk to her. Eventually, he was able to get out of her that she wasn’t here by choice. There was a… pimp… coercing her. He’d gotten her addicted to these drugs and had threatened her life more than once to continue stripping. After her work at the club, she’d go out and perform all manner of deplorable deeds to men in their cars, in alleys, hotel rooms, wherever they asked. It had been almost too easy to sign over her soul. When she heard that he was able to remove the pimp and get her help she’d burst into tears and called him an angel. His skin had crawled at the reminder of the nickname and he’d almost left before she had signed. But, he had a mission… right? He ended up killing the pimp and purging the woman’s system of all the drugs remaining in it. He’d removed the most painful of her memories and given her a modest amount of living money. She’d been happy when she’d woken up in a new apartment, the one where Cas had left her.

His dealings with the two at the bar and the strip club had given him the idea to go to the police station. The people he was looking for would be there surely? The worst humanity had to offer right? They would be willing to cut deals for freedom if nothing else. The officers had been easy enough to talk his way past. With a little demonic push anyway. He’d made his way into the holding cells in the basement and had simply listened for a time. The vile, hateful things that came spewing out from behind the bars almost surprised him. These people sounded more like his siblings than they did any of the humans he’d met. There was anger and fury radiating outwards and towards him. He closed his eyes and let it wash over him. If it were hotter, he could pretend that he was back there, back… home. The thought of it made him uncomfortable.

He signed 8 contracts while he was there. Not bad work for the evening, really. He had gone home that night and laid in bed, wide awake, for hours. His brain was a riot of thoughts and he couldn’t seem the condense any of them into cohesive visions. He was doing what he was supposed to do, right? So why did he feel so… deplorable? The image of Dean’s face floated to him again, how it had looked in the Impala, lined with grief and shame. The emptiness pulled him down deeper and he curled himself into a ball to try and fight against it. 

Castiel hated himself for it. Hated that voice that still lingered in his thoughts. _It isn’t right, Castiel… It isn’t right, Castiel… They’re hurting… You’re hurting, Angel…_ But he seemed powerless to do anything about it. The gnawing pit in his stomach seemed to extend outwards towards his chest now. He was hollow, a shell. He didn’t even feel like himself anymore. Maybe he needed to have his friends around him to pull himself out of this funk? Maybe… maybe he needed his friendship with Dean after all. He’d felt more like himself with Dean than he ever had before or after. Perhaps he’d chosen the wrong path.

Maybe he couldn’t contract Dean’s soul but maybe with the support of his friendship he could feel better about taking someone else’s? The logic wasn’t perfect, but it was the best he had right now. He’d never ask Gabriel for advice in a million years so maybe this was the best he could do? Dean may not want to talk to him, but Cas could at least try and bridge the gap. Maybe it was the guilt of how he’d left it that was putting him in this terrible mood! That made a lot of sense! He couldn’t move past this mental block because this damn mortal heart of his was hurting. He simply needed to move past the block. Once his heart was put to rights he could go right on and sign down those other souls he’d been speaking with, or even new ones! 

He knew now that he could talk to them at least. It was the look of sorrow on their faces that had messed with him. It was so clear to him now! He sat up excitedly in his bed, eyebrows lifted towards his hairline. His own emotions were recognizing the sorrow in the people he spoke with and he was… sympathising! Once he’d patched the tear in himself he’d be right as rain. Humans needed their friends, and he was human for now, for lack of a better term. He was treating everything like he was all demon, but he needed to be smarter about this whole situation. He had a mortal body, the rules had changed, so he just needed to start playing by them.

He let out an audible sigh in relief. “That’s it, that’s it!” He murmured to himself.

He’d tried to correct his problem but he’d been doing it in the wrong way, he’d been so stupid! He had been worried that he was allowing himself to be tainted. The image of Dean signing “Angel” to him floated to his mind then. He had worried that that nickname was altering him, encouraging him to turn over a new leaf. Hadn’t that stripper called him “angel” as well? That wasn’t it AT ALL! He’d just panicked instead of letting it run it’s course. He needed the backup of his friends like any human would. He just needed to focus himself on his mission once he had them back in his corner! And he’d managed 10 souls in the last week alone! With their help he could quadruple that output!

He snatched his phone from where it was sitting on the floor and felt a thrill run through him. He was going to text Dean, right now, right this minute. He forced himself to take a few calming breaths. His hands were shaking as he opened up his messaging app. He had missed the mechanic and it was OK that he admitted that. For all intents and purposes he was human now, he needed to let that work for him instead of against him.

He scrolled through until he came to the name Mrrm. Chisellll Cch*est. He smiled fondly at the moniker. He hadn’t had the heart to change it, some type of fondness had come over him when he had tried and he’d ended up leaving it. He hovered over the keyboard, unsure of what to say now that he was here. He frowned and chewed thoughtfully on his bottom lip. Should he apologize right away? Explain what had happened? Make some excuse? Ask how work had been? What did he say… oh no, what did he say!? This had to be done right. He’d already made a mess of everything between then, he needed to get this right at least. What to say, what to say… His frown lessened for a moment. Maybe… simple was the best way to proceed here… He took a deep breath and typed slowly across his keyboard. He hesitated briefly before pressing the send button and then watched as the little message processed for a few seconds before a time popped up next to it, indicating that it had been sent. 

**Cas: Hello, Dean.**

xxx

Dean had taken the day off work that day. It had been planned in advance, because he was going to use the day to meet with a couple of realtors and looks at some houses. But, he found that he just didn’t have the energy to do that today. Possibly ever. The very idea of house hunting was causing a swell of panic to rise in his chest. He’d called and canceled all of his appointments and had told Sam that he wasn’t feeling well when his brother had asked why he hadn’t left the house yet.

Sam had looked at him suspiciously. Dean knew that he wasn’t hiding his moods very well, but Sam was attempting to give him some space and he’d been thankful for it. He knew that if he didn’t snap out of it soon though, he and Sam would have to “talk”. Dean’s skin crawled at the very notion.

He had decided to stay in bed for a while longer. It would keep him isolated in his room and would follow with his feeling sick cover story. He wished for about the millionth time that he had a TV in his room. His old busted one had finally broken about a month before he’d moved in with Sam and Jess and he just hadn’t had the desire to replace it yet. Why should he? Sam and Jess had a huge flat screen in the living room that he was welcome to use whenever he wanted. 

He huffed agitatedly and curled on his side, away from his door. His melancholy hadn’t lifted, but it had eased somewhat. He was coming back around, like he always did, it was just taking some time. He burrowed his face closer into his pillows and tried to turn off his morose thoughts. _Come on, Winchester. You’re made of sterner stuff than this…_

A loud ping! Drew his attention to his side table. He ignored it resolutely. It was most likely Charlie, harassing him about going out that night. He really wasn’t in the mood, but he couldn’t get out of it two weeks in a row without a major hospital visit or a trip out of town. Well… he COULD go out of town. Baby could use some time on the highway… But, with his current mindset, that might not be the safest course of action. 

He closed his eyes finally and managed to fall into a fitful doze. His dreams were relaxing, all things considered. He was sitting in the Impala and driving across a smooth black highway. The Impala’s tires were eating up the asphalt one mile at a time and his windows were down, letting in a warm summer breeze. He smiled widely at the sound of a classic Led Zeppelin tape rolling out of the speakers around him. This was paradise. He glanced to his side, in the passenger seat, and his eyes fell on a large leathery wing. He frowned a little at it in confusion but didn’t feel threatened so he ignored it.

He nodded his head along to a familiar tune and was back to looking at the highway. It felt good to be back in the car, driving with no where in particular to go. He glanced out his window and watched as the scenery flew past him in blurs and faded colors. His attention was diverted though by a squirming in his lap and he looked down curiously. A scaly red-brown snake was sitting across his legs, like it belonged there. Again, this didn’t feel threatening and he reached a hand down to touch it tentatively. One end disappeared under the leathery wing to his right and the other ended in rough triangular shape, almost like a barb. _That’s odd…_ He found himself thinking. 

His hand came into the contact with the snake and he felt electricity shoot up his arm from his fingertips. The sensation was pleasant and so he let his hand settled more firmly against the snake and began a gentle stroking motion, in the direction of the scales. _What a strange snake!_ Dean thought bemusedly.

The wing to his right shifted a little, trembling and pulling backwards. He chanced a glance away from the road and saw a figure huddled against the door. _Oh! They must own the wings. And maybe… oh. This must be their snake._ Dean reasoned. Because in dreams, things like this made perfect sense. He smiled fondly at the figure and turned his eyes back to the road. _It’s nice of them to let me pet their pet. It’s so friendly!_

He continued with his gentle caresses for a few more minutes before his attention was again drawn to the figure beside him. It had shifted against the door and he eyes strayed towards it. It looked like a man, he supposed. It was mostly man shaped anyway. The wing had shifted further and he followed the line of the snake towards the passenger seat. _Oh! It isn’t a snake at all! It’s a tail! Well, that makes more sense…_ Because in a dream, it did make more sense. He continued the petting because it felt nice and the passenger didn’t seem to mind it.

He hummed quietly, because in his dream he could, and bobbed his head gently to the sound of the song coming from the car. This was wonderful, he felt so happy here. He felt a swell of affection for his quiet passenger and squeezed gently at the tail in his lap. He wasn’t sure who it was or what even, but he knew that he was very fond of them.

The dream continued in that lazy fashion for an indeterminate amount of time, a small smile formed on Dean’s lips and he continued to watch the landscape whip past around him. He felt more content here than he had in a long time, sitting in his Baby on the open highway with the warm weight of a tail on his lap. It should have been strange, but strangely, it wasn’t.

Dean woke dazedly an hour later and blinked slowly. That had been… bizarre. The dream was fading from his mind the more he woke up, but the sensation of electricity in his fingertips lingered and he clenched his hands in and out of fists a couple of times in an attempt to lose the feeling. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes and yawned widely. That had been SO bizarre. 

He stretched outwards across his bed and enjoyed the pleasant tingle in his muscles from it. He hadn’t planned on taking a nap, but it had felt nice anyway. He snuggled his blankets closer and sighed contentedly. He felt better already, actually! Maybe going out tonight wouldn’t be such a trial after all. A memory filtered towards him at that. Going out tonight… oh yeah! Charlie had text him before he’d fallen asleep. Knowing her, she’d sent him 50 thousand more messages when he hadn’t answered the first in a timely manner. 

He rolled over slowly and fumbled blindly towards his night stand for his phone. He managed to knock the damn thing to the floor and then spent another another few moments searching with questing fingers for it. Finally, he managed to snatch it and pull it up towards his face. He blinked blearily as he opened it. Sure enough, he had a notification. Though… there was only one message. Perhaps Charlie hadn’t had time to harass him after all.

He scrubbed a hand over his face and tried to focus on the message in front of him. His heart leapt into his throat once he’d finally read the NAME of the person who had messaged him. “HOT WINGS” with 3 fire emojis and a halo glared back at him in accusation. _Cas..._ Cas had messaged him? But.. why? Oh no, what could he possible be texting? Dean felt his heart rate skyrocket in about 0.03 seconds flat and a cool sweat broke across his chest. He hadn’t spoken to Cas in 2 weeks, what could… what could he possibly be texting about… He’d made his feelings towards Dean perfectly clear, after all.

Dean’s hands had started shaking and he felt a terror grip him. He wanted to set the phone back down and ignore it. Pretend like there wasn’t a message sitting there waiting for him. What could Cas POSSIBLY want from him? A myriad of thoughts floated through his mind, different things that message might say. From the hopeful,”I miss you”, to the disturbing, “you disgust me”. 

Pretending it wasn’t there was probably for the best. Definitely. He and Cas weren’t friends anymore, there was no reason to even read what it said. Right. Dean stood resolutely from his bed and set his phone down with finality on the night stand. He needed a shower. He couldn’t deal with Cas, not anymore.

He nodded once to himself and walked with purpose to the bathroom. He made it to the doorway before he turned on his heel and sprinted back to the bed. He snatched the phone in fumbling fingers and cursed himself the entire time. He was weak, hopelessly and desperately weak. He opened the phone and pulled up the message before he lost his nerve. Two words glared back at him in the stark artificial light of the phone.

**Cas: Hello, Dean.**

Dean let the phone fall from his fingers and a manic urge to laugh suddenly came over him. Hello, Dean. After two weeks of radio silence, following the most uncomfortable car ride of his life, after Cas holding his hand at the cabin. Hello, Dean. He lifted a shaking hand to his face and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. Hello, Dean.

What did he even say to that? A petty part of him wanted to just ignore it. It would serve him right after the stress he’d put Dean through. Another more desperate part wanted to text him to come over immediately! How was he even supposed to respond? He was treading unfamiliar waters here… Maybe Cas was too though. Maybe a simple response would be the best way to proceed? He spent another 15 minutes arguing with himself about what to do before he frowned at himself and finally put his thumbs to the phone. Simple would be best.

**Dean: hey cas**

xxx

Cas would deny even under threat of torture how nervous he felt after sending that message. He wasn’t even sure what he had been expecting to follow it, but an hour of silence hadn’t been it. He’d spent that hour fretting, twisting his hands, pacing his apartment, and generally just making himself sick with worry. Maybe he shouldn’t have contacted Dean. Maybe texting under these circumstances was considered a faux pas. He just didn’t know! Dean could even now be ridiculing his attempt at an olive branch, or perhaps he was so angry that he couldn’t even form words vile enough to send back? Every possible dire situation ran through his mind, Dean’s reactions became increasingly cruel and violent the longer he thought. Why, why did he think this was a good idea?! He’d managed to contract 10 souls in Dean’s absence, he didn’t need the man, not really. This had been so stupid of him, master tactician! Ha! That was a joke.

It was during a round of pacing that he heard the faint ping! Of his phone going off. Could it be? He all but sprinted into his bedroom and dove onto his bed in his haste to grab his phone. He took a deep shaking breath, in an attempt to get himself under control. It was futile and with fumbling fingers he opened his phone.

**Charlie: Hey Grouchy-Gus! You coming out tonight!?**

Cas felt his elation deflate almost immediately. Fucking Charlie. This was not what he had been hoping for. He felt all of his adrenaline leave him in a rush. His limbs felt heavy all of a sudden and he slumped against the bed under him. He wasn’t even able to try to formulate a reply to her right now. His feeling of disappointment settled over him like a weighted blanket. Damn. He’d been so hopeful…

A second ping! Sounded loudly next to his ear and he jolted away from it. Surely it wasn’t… Probably just Charlie again. He grabbed his phone and opened it quickly, before he lost his nerve. He felt his mouth go dry at the message before him and he gulped in an effort to clear his throat.

**Dean: hey cas**

Oh. Oh… Now what? Dean had text him back! But… he hadn’t really given Cas much of an opening here. Perhaps he should just be thankful that Dean had even responded at all. Maybe he was of the philosophy that simple was best too. But… now what? Did they meet? Continue this through text? It felt disingenuous but it might be easier to speak this way. Cas wouldn’t have to worry about misunderstanding a sign. And Dean wouldn’t have to look at his face as he followed along to what Cas was saying. Maybe texting would be easier… But what did he say?!

He mulled over the possibilities for a long time. Typing out a message then deleting, then typing it again, then deleting it again. How did he put into words what he was feeling? Or at least an edited version of what he was feeling. What to do, what to do… 

He stared at his phone so long that his eyes started to water. He rubbed them absently and placed his phone on the bed next to him. He needed to think this through logically and not allow his emotions to beat him into submission.

It took him half an hour but he felt calmer and more collected when he finally opened his messaging app again. This needed to be done thoughtfully and he took a steadying breath before he began typing. This time though, he didn’t delete what he’d written and instead pressed send with a resolute tap of his thumb.

xxx

Dean and Cas’s friendship picked back up slowly after that. Both were tentative to get back into the swing of things, though for different reasons. Cas still wasn’t sure what to expect from his demon dealings now that he was building his friendship back up and Dean was wary about opening up again after the uncomfortable fallout from that lake weekend. They’d both spoken, though very haltingly, about the two weeks they’d been apart and WHY they’d been spent that way. Cas apologized in the best way he could and Dean did his best to listen and not feel uncomfortable. Both eyes had remained dry and both men still felt a little stiffer and more formal around one another than they had before, but at least they were talking. 

Their friends had noticed that they were speaking again and secretly felt relieved. They weren’t sure what kind of lovers spat they’d had but they had all noticed Dean’s attitude had changed and Charlie had been leery to be around Castiel more than necessary for the same reason. It was still a little uncomfortable, but as the days wore on both men felt themselves relax more and more into the other’s company.

A month after their mini friendship breakup found Dean working doggedly under the belly of some old junker at Bobby’s shop. He hadn’t been thrilled to have Bobby thrust the truck at him but the old man claimed he had a bad hip and couldn’t get underneath the vehicles that low to the ground anymore. Dean had rolled his eyes in exasperation but had smiled fondly at him regardless.

He smiled to himself when Cas wandered in at some point. The dark-haired man had taken to visiting Dean in the garage after his shifts at the coffee house and Dean always felt a silent thrill go through him when he saw the slick black shoes or the green sneakers Cas favored make their way into the garage. His initial trepidation around the man had worn off in the weeks following their reconciliation and they were at ease around one another again. They were going to Dean’s after work to watch Predator. Dean was a huge Arnie fan and insisted that Cas become one too.

He thought again of how completely clueless Cas was about anything related to popular culture or sometimes even basic human interactions. But, ultimately it was endearing and he liked the man the way he was. Dean had even started leaving the house a little earlier to go to the coffee shop. It was completely unnecessary at this point, Jess was back to working days and he could brew coffee at home, but he found that he liked seeing Cas early in the morning before work. He did his best to try not to examine why that was. 

The next few months slipped by in a blur of smiles and sunshine after that. Dean teased Cas continuously for his giraffe sweater, which Cas would always pretend not to hear. When Cas would get particularly annoyed with Dean he’d pretend not to understand what Dean was signing until Dean eventually just gave him the finger and Cas would laugh. 

There was a particularly memorable evening that Dean had attempted to teach Cas to cook french toast. And even though Cas had burnt the bread past the point recognition Dean had still eaten it with a, slightly pained, smile. Cas had preened under the attention and Dean didn’t have the heart to tell him that he didn’t have a career as a chef in his future. 

Cas had also managed to coerce Dean into a jog one afternoon and despite Dean’s better judgement he’d fallen for Cas’s frown and head tilt and laced up his old tennis shoes. He regretted it almost immediately, he might have been strong but his cardio was nowhere near as good as Cas’s apparently. Dean had thought up curse after curse in his head while they’d plodded slowly through a winding park path. Cas had looked cool as a cucumber and Dean had forced himself to continue despite the fact that it felt like his heart was going to beat itself out of his chest. By the end he had been completely drenched but had refused to budge an inch when Cas had asked if he was all right. He hadn’t ever been a bitch before, he wasn’t going to start that day. The silver lining was that when they were done they both needed to stretch and Cas had looked absolutely remarkable with his legs splayed apart and his palms pressed against the ground. Dean had had to avert his gaze pretty quickly before he face planted during his own stretch.

They had watched more movies, including Predator and Running Man, much to Dean’s delight and Cas’s confusion. They’d even grudgingly sat through City of Angels, though that was Jess’s pick, not their own. Cas had barely managed to keep a sneer from his face the entire time and it had been almost worth it to watch his discomfort.

A good portion of their days and evenings were spent texting one another. Silly things that happened during their day frequented these talks. They also discussed the merits of pumpkin vs apple pie, Cas liked pumpkin, Dean liked apple. They argued about who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman, Cas had adamantly INSISTED that it depended entirely on WHERE the fight took place and WHEN. Dean had done his best to convince Cas that running was cruel and unusual punishment but Cas had simply stated that lack of cardio was perhaps why there was some residual fluff around Dean’s middle. Dean had been so incensed over it that he hadn’t talked to Cas for a whole day until the other man apologized.

During one movie night, Charlie had relinquished her seat on the couch and allowed Cas to sit in her seat. Cas had been confused by this change to the arrangements but Charlie had simply winked at Dean over Cas’s head and gone to sit in the chair that was now empty. They had stuck to these arrangements ever since and Dean couldn’t say that he was mad about it. Though it was harder to sneak glances at Cas’s face when the man was sitting next to him. Sam, Charlie, Jo, and Jess insisted on offering up smug smiles and knowing side eyes anytime Dean and Cas were together. It was absolutely exhausting. Nothing was happening. Really!

Things had been comfortable and almost sickeningly domestic those months and Dean hated that he loved every minute of it. Things may never progress past that point with Cas but he treasured the man’s friendship. And oh God that was a gay thing to think. But so was having wildly and sexually inappropriate thoughts about his male best friend, so maybe it was a moot point.

Dean had enjoyed watching Cas’s friendship with his family flourish. It warmed a large part of his heart to see the man getting along so well with the people nearest and dearest to him. The meeting with Bobby had been a little uncomfortable, but things with Bobby could get that way. The old codger hated meeting new people and had been resistant when Dean had told him that Cas would be dropping by the garage sometimes. He had warmed eventually, because he was a big ol’ softie, but poor Cas had been utterly flummoxed about how to deal with the man for a long time. They’d come to an easy agreement to simply nod at one another in greeting and that was the end of it.

Dean had finally decided that it was time to start the house hunting again and had waffled for a week about whether or not to ask Cas to go with him. Would Cas get the wrong idea? Would the realtors think they were looking as a… couple? Would Sam get that shitty smug smile on his face once he found out that they’d gone out together? Of course he would. Finally, he’d decided that he just didn’t give a shit. He’d ask Cas and play it off like it wasn’t a big deal. No problem.

Cas had initially been confused by the request. And had worried that they were going to go and ACTUALLY hunt houses. The guy was too literal for his own good. And besides, how would you even hunt a house? An image of he and Cas dressed in safari gear and carrying old timey elephant guns floated to his mind and he suppressed a laugh at it. Cas had agreed once it had been explained to him and they had tentatively set a date for week from then to go and look around. Dean had a vague idea of what he was looking for but it would be nice to have Cas’s opinion. The man saw the world in a completely unique way and Dean always valued his input as a fresh perspective.

The Saturday of the Hunting Weekend dawned bright and clear and Dean almost sprang from his bed in his excitement. Today was the day! He might find a place of his own today! His excitement was palpable and he had practically vibrated in his seat while Sam had poured him a cup of coffee. 

“It’s almost like you WANT to move out. Almost like you don’t like us.” Sam had laughed at him.

Dean rolled his eyes over at his brother. "I haven’t slept right in months, dude. That snoring of yours shakes the whole house at night."

“You are so full of shit.” Sam huffed at him and offered Dean the carton of cream. He gave Dean a sly smirk before adding, “So you and Cas are still going together, huh?’

Dean ignored him in favor of pouring cream into his coffee. He would not be baited into this discussion again. 

“Now, I wonder what on Earth you could need Cas there for? He isn’t helping to pay… He isn’t a contractor… He isn’t a real estate developer… He isn’t an interior designer… Hmmm… I wonder what he would be there for?” Sam tapped his chin thoughtfully and looked upwards as if seeking divine inspiration.

Dean rolled his eyes again. If this kept up, his eyeballs would be permanently stuck in a long-suffering expression. "He’s just coming to check the places out. Give opinions, ya know, that kinda shit."

“Opinions on what? The guy has about as much sense as labrador with a squirrel in front of him. Unless… well, unless you need to “test” the rooms before you buy.” Sam waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Dean felt his face flush red immediately.

"You are such a perv! You know it isn’t like that."

“Whatever you say, bud, whatever you say.” Sam waved a dismissive hand at him. “Just be sure you check the integrity of the shower walls first. Jess and I made that mistake pretty early on and let me tell you, falling through a door and onto a shampoo bottle is NOT a sexy way to get into the mood.” 

Dean inhaled his coffee at that and spent the next few minutes coughing and choking on the hot liquid. Sam’s ringing laughter floated back to him where the big idiot had walked off towards his bedroom. Definitely NOT what he wanted to be picturing this early in the morning. Asshole. Though… Cas pressed against a shower door wasn’t a bad image. Maybe he’d tuck that one away for later. He felt a flare of guilt for that but decided now wasn’t the time for that. 

He felt his excitement pick up again when his phone buzzed. He glanced down and saw that Cas was texting him. Probably double-checking that Dean was headed over soon. The guy was a nitpicker for appointment times like that. Dean grinned before he snatched his phone.

Today was the day!

xxx

Cas patted his pockets absent-mindedly. Dean would be there soon and he needed to make sure that he was ready to go. They had an appointment after all! Cas smiled as he thought about the flustered way Dean had asked him to go looking at homes with him. He’d been confused initially but after some explaining he had readily agreed. Finding one’s base of operations was an exciting endeavor, he realized that now. It was a shame Gabriel hadn’t let him pick his own residence before coming up here.

As if the thought itself of Gabriel called the man into being, a pop resounded around Cas’s apartment and he groaned inwardly. _No, no, no, this is NOT happening right now. Dean will be here any moment!_ Cas worried his hands for a moment, but there wasn’t anything to be done for it now. He clenched his fists at his sides and waited for Gabriel to saunter over to him.

“Cassie! What’s up, bro?” Gabriel shrieked at him around a lollipop.

“Hello, Gabriel. It’s good to see you.” He managed to grit the last part out, remembering Gabe’s comment last time he was here.

“What crawled up your butt?” Gabe sucked sickeningly on his lollipop while eyeing Cas appraisingly. “Was it that mechanic with the “good, righteous, brightest you’ve ever seen the sun pales or whatever soul”? He waggled his eyebrows towards Cas.

Cas felt himself blush scarlet. Nothing has “crawled up my butt”, Gabriel. I just wasn’t expecting you.”

“It’s been 3 months since the last time I was here. You knew I was coming. You’ve been up here 6 months, Cas, you’re at the halfway point.” Gabe eyed him beadily. “I hope you have better news for me than the last time I was here?”

Cas felt the muscles of his back tighten and he stood a little straighter. _Well, at least I’ve got SOMETHING to show him…_ “Of course, Gabriel.”

Cas hastily materialized the 10 contracts that he had acquired and offered them to Gabe silently. Gabe raised an eyebrow at him but glanced through them dutifully. “This isn’t very many…” He said quietly.

“I’m aware. I needed to get my feet under me so to speak and now that I’m more comfortable pretending to be human I should be able to start working more quickly.” Cas lied smoothly. Truthfully, he hadn’t thought about signing any souls in the last few weeks. He felt guilty that he didn’t feel guilty about it.

Gabe sucked on his teeth for a few tense seconds. He watched Cas with a calculating expression and had opened his mouth to speak when a loud knocking broke through the apartment. Gabe glanced towards the door without much interest and returned to his study of Cas’s face. Cas however, felt a cold sweat broke out across his forehead.

_Oh, mothershit, Dean’s here… I need to get rid of Gabe NOW!_

“I promise I’ll have more to show you the next time you come back.” Cas said hurriedly as he collected the scrolls of his contracts from Gabe’s outstretched palms.

“Are you trying to get rid of me, Castiel?” Gabe asked with a coolness in his voice.

“Of course not! But… I was expecting someone and-” Cas tried to explain but there was knocking on the door again. Louder this time.

“Expecting someone? Well! Why didn’t you say so! Let’s not keep them waiting!” Gabe smirked at him before turning purposefully towards the front door and opening it with a flourish.

Cas watched in dismay as the door was yanked open and a rather startled looking Dean came into view on the other side. He had his hand raised as if about to knock again and a bewildered expression on his face. Cas watched as he blinked twice at Gabe, then looked to the door number then once down each end of the hall. 

“Wowie. So, what’s the occasion, handsome?” Gabe asked him with a leer. Cas felt his stomach twist as Gabe drew his eyes slowly up and down Dean’s body. Gabe smirked slyly and cocked an eyebrow once he’d made it back to Dean’s face. “Lemme guess, you must be Dean?”

Dean took a half-step back, his expression clouding slightly. Cas figured now would be the time to make some excuses and rescue the other man. Who knew what would come out of Gabriel’s mouth if left to his own devices.

“Dean!” Cas hurried forward and shuffled Gabriel out of the doorframe. Gabe huffed at him indignantly but Cas ignored him resolutely.

“Dean, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you wait, I’m sure you’re ready to go?” Cas asked hopefully.

Dean’s frown hadn’t disappeared and in fact, only deepened at Cas’s words. He thrust a chin towards where Gabe stood in question. Cas felt his shoulders tense further but he willed his breathing to even and for his mind to come up with some plausible lie.

“My… brother. My brother Gabriel. He popped in rather unexpectedly...” Cas spared a warning glance toward Gabe and the other man smiled sweetly back at him.

“Oh dear! Did I interrupt some plans the two of you had?” Gabe asked in mock sympathy. “I had no idea! It’s been months since I’ve seen my little brother, you know, and I just missed him something awful. So, I thought I’d surprise him with a visit today.”

Cas cringed at Gabe’s sugary sweet tones and barely managed to withhold an eyeroll. “Yes, yes I haven’t seen him in a while, he only just arrived.”

Dean turned questioning eyes back at him and Cas felt a stab run through his chest at the look on his face. "Do you wanna cancel today? We can do it another time…" Dean asked hesitantly.

Cas had started shaking his head almost immediately. “Of course not. We made plans, Dean, I won’t cancel on you last minute. Gabriel can come back some other time.” He turned towards Gabe with a pointed look, “Isn’t that right, Gabe?”

Gabe was looking at each of them in turn with a puzzled expression. He seemed to be ignoring Castiel’s question for the time being and was instead trying to work out their relationship. Cas felt his lip lift upwards in a sneer and his eyebrows pull down into a frown.

“Actually, Cassie… I probably won’t be able to visit for another few months. I think that I’d like to come along with you.” Gabe said easily before turning expectant eyes to Dean. “That is, as long as you don’t mind, Dean-o…”

Cas felt a terror grip his chest. There was no fucking way Gabe could come house hunting with them. There was NO WAY he was going to allow that to happen. Surely, Dean would tell Gabe that no, he couldn’t go. Their plans were made for the two of them, it was a Dean and Cas day and there wasn’t room for someone else. Surely, Dean would say no.

Cas turned wary eyes towards Dean and the man was looking at Gabe with an appraising stare. After a few seconds judgement he simply shrugged his shoulders and smiled easily.

"Your brother can come, no problem. I know how much it sucks to be away from family for a long time. We gotta hurry though, we’re running behind."

Cas looked at Dean as if he were Judas Iscariot and Dean had just betrayed him to the Roman guards. He felt thunderous but tried to smile in agreement to what Dean had said. Dean clapped him on the shoulder once and wandered back down the hall, towards the stairs.

“Gabriel!” Cas did his level best not to shout, aware that Dean could still hear them. “You CAN NOT come with us. Dean can’t know what I am!”

“Relax, Cas, relax. I’m just gonna scope out the scene. I haven’t gotten to wander around up here for a while, it’ll be a little vacation for me. Plus, I can keep an eye on what you’re doing.” This last he said with a stern look and steel in his voice. “Now!” He clapped his hands together merrily here. “Let’s head after that little biscuit and find something to get into!”

He walked cheerfully out of the apartment and down the stairwell after Dean. Cas felt the terror in his heart strengthen. There was no way he was going to get out of today unscathed. Gabe was a nightmare on a good day, add to that Cas’s discomfort and Dean’s cluelessness about what was happening here and you had a recipe for disaster. Cas had the strange desire to pray for help today and he almost laughed at himself for it. _Angel indeed…_ He thought a little hysterically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're about 2/3 of the way through the story and I'm almost finished writing it. Once I get it done on my end I'll move to updates twice a week! This one was short I know, but I had to split it up somewhere. Next up is a rough one to start, but it gets a lot more fun, I promise! The next chapter is much longer. Halloween’s next! Anyone wanna take bets on what the boys dress up as for Halloween? In fact, I may even be tempted to offer an early early update next week depending on the response I get from this chapter!


	8. Halos and Honeybees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Response to last chapter was less than stellar :( But! Since I'm super pumped about this chapter I'm gonna post it anyway! I'm obsessed with this one. CONTENT WARNING: Some hate speech early on.

Dean laid in bed that night, utterly and completely exhausted. His hopes and plans for the day had been dashed pretty early on by that wavy haired little shit of a brother that insisted on tagging along. Dean had been absolutely quivering with excitement to go house shopping that day and it had turned into a living nightmare. He had driven to Cas’s house with a goofy smile on his face the whole way. Once outside, he’d quickly checked to make sure that Cas wasn’t outside and then spent a minute tweaking his appearance, he smoothed down his hair, checked that his shirt wasn’t wrinkled, etc. Once satisfied he’d walked swiftly to Cas’s apartment. He hadn’t been inside of it yet, but Cas said that it left a lot to be desired so he took him at his word. Sam’s house was fine and always offered plenty of company. There wasn’t any need for them to have privacy, right?

He’d taken the stairs to the second floor two at a time and had taken a few calming breaths before knocking politely on the wood for 2C. There were voices that drifted out to him in the hallway and he frowned at them. Maybe a TV was on? Or it could be neighbors even. These types of buildings didn’t have the best insulation against noise. He waited what felt like an appropriate amount of time before knocking again. Surely, Cas wasn’t in the shower or anything. He was the one who was so insistent on punctuality, he’d almost definitely be ready to go by now.

He had raised his hand again to knock only for his knuckles to meet empty air before he got the chance. A short brunette man stood in front of him with a cocky smile and a raised eyebrow. Dean was startled and resisted the urge to step backwards. Did he have the wrong apartment? He checked the number on the door quickly. **2C** It read simply and wasn’t that what Cas had text him? He chanced a glance down each end of the hallway, hoping that maybe Cas would come striding towards him. No such luck.

The guy that had opened the door cocked a hip to the side and gave him a slow once-over. It felt like having his skin peeled from his body and he attempted to hide an uncomfortable shiver. The guy threw him a creepy come-on and then called him by name, which was startling. He took a step backwards and away from him. He could take this guy in a fight if he needed too, since he was obviously some serial killer/stalker, but he didn’t like his chances in the narrow hallway.

He wanted to weep tears of relief when Cas’s voice called out to him from somewhere farther in the apartment. They had an uncomfortable discussion where Dean offered the cancel their plans, though the thought left a heavy disappointment in his chest, but Cas was adamant that they go. He had done his best to not look at Gabriel while he talked to Cas. He had noted idly, that Cas’s walls were completely bare. He was all for living a Spartan lifestyle, but damn. He was snapped back to attention when Gabriel, Cas’s brother, invited himself along, and despite the bad vibe he got from the guy he could understand wanting to spend time around your brother. So, he had shrugged when the question was posed to him and had simply walked back out to the car. He figured they could decide amongst themselves whether he’d come or not. Dean should have gone with his gut on this one and said no. If he had had even an inclining of what the day would entail he would have high-tailed it out of there without Cas even.

They’d been all set to tour 4 houses that day, it wasn’t an overwhelming load but it would definitely take some time. The first place had been nice, a little big for him and the kitchen would need a lot of work. Gabriel had been mostly quiet the whole time, observing Cas and Dean’s interactions with a shrewd eye. Guy was a protective older brother, yeah, he could get that, no big.

The second house had been a little more to his liking with large windows throughout and new tile in the bathrooms. He had asked Cas’s opinion on the size of the rooms and on the backsplash of all things and had been pleased with his answers. The realtor had shot them funny looks, but it was good that he had Cas there to help translate for him. It was about halfway through the visit that Gabe started to really open up. He had sauntered into a bedroom ahead of the three of them and had shouted back at them that the closets weren’t big enough. Which, ok, maybe they weren’t full-length walk in closets but Dean didn’t need anything too lavish. Gabe’s meaning soon became clear though as he started looking Dean up and down and taking a measurement of his size with his fingers from a distance. He then measured the inside of the closet with said fingers and shook his head sadly. “Not NEARLY big enough for both you…” He had muttered towards them.

Cas’s face had flamed immediately and the realtor looked absolutely scandalized and excused herself from the room, telling them to find her if they had questions. Dean had rolled his eyes and played it off as a joke. Brother’s were assholes, that was just a fact of life. He patted Cas on the shoulder in a friendly way and shot a warning look at Gabriel for his efforts. Gabe merely grinned wickedly and whistled his way out of the room. Gabe had then walked his way into the bathroom to piss, leaving the door open and not bothering to flush when he’d finished. Ok, maybe Cas’s brother was a bigger asshole than most.

They trooped into the master bedroom with Gabriel at their heels who then proclaimed loudly that this room wasn’t grand enough for his little brother to be deflowered in. Cas’s face turned even redder than it had previously and Dean felt a pang of sympathy for him. Gabriel was an absolute nightmare! How were these two even related? 

They made it through the rest of the house without further incident, though Gabe did leave the front door open when they exited which required the realtor to turn back around from the porch and close it. What an ass! They then piled into the car and drove on to the third place. Gabe was tucked into the backseat of the Impala, sucking loudly on jolly rancher after jolly rancher. Dean had eyed him through the rear view mirror as the guy had dropped wrapper after wrapper onto the floor of the car. He wanted to say something, but he’d have to talk to Cas to do it and he didn’t want to upset the guy. Cas looked upset enough about the events of the afternoon so he let it go… for now.

He heard Cas sigh heavily next to him before exiting. The two brothers seemed to share a silent conversation with their eyes when Gabe stepped out and Dean pretended to ignore it. There was some uncomfortable history here that he wasn’t aware of…

This was definitely NOT how he thought this day was gonna go. But, he was determined to have a good time with Cas and so they soldiered on to the third house. This was a ranch style home, which Dean detested but agreed to go in and check it out since they were already there.

The inside was surprisingly eye-catching. New kitchens, new bathrooms, entryways were arched so it made the whole place look bigger. The bedrooms were painted in violent shades of fuschia and chartreuse, which was vomit worthy but paint color could be changed pretty easily, he reminded himself. Cas had wandered further into the house and Dean was somehow left alone with realtor, who smiled at him tightly. She had been uncomfortable with the talking arrangement and seemed to think that Dean was deaf because she made no attempt to speak with him now that Cas had walked off. Dean smiled at her pleasantly before excusing himself as well.

He had walked down a hallway that led to bedrooms when hushed voices floated to his ears. He halted immediately and listened. He felt guilty for eavesdropping, but something was going on here and he wanted an idea of what he needed to expect the rest of the day.

“Gabriel! This isn’t the time or place!” Cas’s urgent whisper carried a note of anger.

“Cassie, relax. You can see what she has under the hood as well as I can. She’d be an EASY contract for you. You saw the hunger in her eyes. She wants more success, you could help with that. I can distract ol’ Dean-o and wham-bam! Another signed deal.” Gabriel voice was a little louder and much more relaxed.

_Contract? Deal? What in the hell are they talking about…?_

“Gabriel, please! I can’t do this right now. Dean…” Cas’s voice trailed off and Dean held his breath, sure that he’d been discovered.

“Yeah, yeah. I know, your little boyfriend out there would notice something, right? You’re so transparent, Castiel. This has been a cute little foray into normal, human life or whatever, but all this domestic shit isn’t why you’re here to begin with, so remember that.” Gabriel’s voice had taken a hard edge at the end and Dean felt a shiver run down his spine at the steel that ran through it.

Gabe was exiting a room to his right and Dean did his best to pretend that he hadn’t heard that whole exchange. He smiled at the shorter man and walked past him with only a single side-eye in the man’s direction. Gabe was ignoring him though and Dean breathed a sigh of relief when he caught sight of Cas standing alone in the empty bedroom. Cas had his back to him and his arms wrapped around his chest. He was looking out the window and Dean couldn’t see his expression but could tell from the tight lines of his shoulders that he was angry.

Dean had questions about what he’d just heard, but he couldn’t very well ask them outright. He stepped next to Cas tentatively and brushed his fingers against the back of his arm. Cas jolted in surprise and turned with a fury on his face that had Dean cowed almost immediately. Damn, that shit was intimidating! Cas’s face cleared quickly once he saw that it was Dean who had interrupted his silent reflection and smiled thinly at him.

“I apologize, Dean. How do you like the house? I appreciate the natural light in this room.” Cas said quickly.

Dean nodded to him while he spoke and offered his own smile in return. "I do too. House is alright, not my favorite. Is uh… Everything ok with you and Gabe? He had hesitated at the question but his concern for Cas got the better of him and be plowed on through."

Cas’s expression darkened slightly and he lowered his eyes to the ground. “Yes.” He said shortly. “Everything is fine. If you’re done here perhaps we should move to the next location?” 

Dean was startled by the irritation that rolled off the other man following the mention of Gabe but he let it go. Definitely some uncomfortable history there. Dean nodded to him in agreement and they walked back towards the kitchen, where the realtor was talking lowly to Gabe. From his posture it was obvious that he was flirting uproariously and from her’s it was apparent that she was into it. 

“We don’t think this will be the one, thank you.” Cas told her through clenched teeth. He didn’t even stop to speak with her, just spoke while he was walking out the door. 

Dean was shocked at that. Cas might not be the best in social situations but he’d never been outright RUDE before. Gabriel must have gotten under his skin more than Dean had assumed. What was going on here? 

Dean nodded to her politely and went to follow Cas out the door. They still had another place to look at but if Cas was this irate maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. He and Cas had argued tensely by the car for a few minutes while they waited for Gabriel to come outside. Dean had insisted that they cancel and call it a day, Cas absolutely refused to be deterred. He told Dean rather adamantly that he was having an excellent time and that they shouldn’t stop just because Gabriel was acting like a brat. 

Dean had finally thrown up his hands in exasperation and stalked to his side of the car. He climbed in and turned the AC on as high as it would go. He was sweating like a whore in church and besides the cold air would annoy Cas. He wasn’t sure why he was so irritated with him right now, probably because Cas was as stubborn as mule and wouldn’t ever listen to reason when he’d made his mind up about something. Dean huffed silently in his seat while he waited for the Novak’s to get in the car. He assumed Gabe was a Novak, since that was Cas’s last name. But, it didn’t seem to fit him somehow. He shrugged his shoulders and ignored that train of thought. Who gave a shit what his last name was. The guy was a grade-A prick and the less Dean saw of him the better. 

Dean groaned into his pillow and buried his head under the blankets around him. He didn’t want to think about what had come next. It had all been bad up until that point, but house number 4 had been an absolute travesty of a situation. 

He had liked the house, actually he had LOVED the house. So had Cas for that matter. It was an old farmhouse that had been updated within the last 10 years and was absolutely stunning. It was a two story house with a light yellow exterior and Dean had been smitten the second they’d walked up the steps. It had a wrap around front porch and a creaky old swing at one end. There were 3 large bedrooms, 2 full baths, a deep tub that put most jacuzzis to shame, a master bathroom with his and hers sink. It was… perfect. It was everything he’d been looking for. The kitchen had been completely updated and all the appliances were sleek and new. He could see himself cooking dinner for Sam and Jess in here, making pies in the autumn to feed a hungry Jo and discussing the Starfleet ranking system with Charlie while her comic books were spread out across the kitchen island. Secretly, he could even see himself making coffee in the morning for a grumpy Cas who sat across from him with messy hair and worn sweater slung over his toned frame. 

That image had just about sold him on the entire place. As he walked through the rest of the house he could see himself interacting with Cas in the different rooms. The bedroom where a sleep-rumbled Cas would cover his head with blankets against the sun. The bathroom where a intensely focused Cas would shave next to Dean who was doing the same. The porch where they would sit together in the evenings and listen to the crickets chirp and watch the stars come to life. This was it. This was his house. 

He turned a wide, beaming smile towards Cas after they had finished the tour and Cas’s answering smile was almost as radiant. He had actually forgotten that Gabe was even there for the time being, he was that excited. 

"It’s perfect! Cas, I love it! What do you think?"

Cas took a moment to look around them at the open dining room and the shiny kitchen and turned crinkled eyes back to him. “I agree. It’s perfect.” He said quietly. 

The realtor had smiled excitedly at Dean once she’d heard Cas’s quiet statement. They could always smell a sale and Dean resisted the urge to roll his eyes at her. The numbers talk would be coming soon, and the paperwork, and the waiting. But, for right now, he wanted to just bask in the glow of this perfect little home. 

He should have known that something bad was going to happen. 

xxx 

Cas had felt a thrill go through as he had walked through the last house with Dean. He could tell from Dean’s posture and his wide, curious eyes that he liked the place. Cas took his time to inspect each room, picturing Dean doing different activities in each. It was almost too perfect really, Cas could see Dean settled in here quickly and he smiled at each room they saw. There was a bedroom where a sleepy Dean would fall into his bed each night with a satisfied hum, the bathroom where Dean would brush his teeth with his eyes heavy with sleep, a porch swing where he would swing back and forth lazily and watch the morning dawn bright and early. It was all so perfect. He hesitated to picture himself here as well, he would be leaving in 6 months, though he was loathe to admit it. It was hard not to picture it though when Dean turned shining eyes on him. They could watch the sunrise together, brush their teeth next to one another, maybe even fall into an exhausted sleep in the same bed… 

He shook his head at the last thought. _No, Cas. No. You can’t start thinking like this…_

Gabe had been suspiciously silent the entire time and Cas began to feel a vague sense of unease towards the end. There was no way Gabriel didn’t have some shitty thing planned for them. He was angry at Cas now, after that little snafu with the previous realtor. Gabe had insisted Cas do a deal with her while they were there, two birds with one stone he’d said. Cas had refused, obviously, because he was there with Dean. Gabe had been incensed and Cas knew that he was just biding his time before he did something horrible. 

Cas had started translating for Dean with the realtor after their tour. There were a lot of details to hammer out now that Dean was interested in the property. Cas noticed when Gabe walked into the room, but he ignored him since he was busy. That was a mistake, he realized that now. 

“Cas…” Gabe started quietly, as if in thought. 

Cas closed his eyes briefly. _Fucking fuck, Gabriel, what now…_

He turned with a smile on his face. “Yes, Gabriel?” 

Gabe had a distant look in his eyes, as if thinking about something that he couldn’t get a hold of. “Does this place look familiar to you?” 

Cas narrowed his eyes at him, trying to guess what he was playing at. “No, no I can’t say that it does…” 

“Hm… well. Maybe it’s just a feeling I’m getting, you know how I have those sometimes. Well, it just… it reminds me of...” Gabe looked around the kitchen with a questioning glance. “Oh! I remember what it was. Do you remember that fire that happened near our old home a few years ago?” 

Cas felt a dawning horror settle in his chest. Gabriel couldn’t possibly be about to do this… 

“Yes, yes that’s it. It was up near our house in Buffalo. Little farm house, in fact, I think it was yellow too! There was that fire in the middle of the night, electrical or something. Caught the whole place up in seconds, it was an inferno before the people inside even had time to get up.” He had turned cold eyes towards Cas now and Cas felt a tightening in his gut. _No, Gabe, nononono. Stop this, please!_

Gabe turned those hard, cold eyes towards Dean then and Cas thought he caught the edge of a satisfied smirk somewhere on his face. “It was such a tragedy too. The mom died almost immediately, ALMOST immediately. And I think there was a little boy that died too, but I think his was because of smoke inhalation hours later, maybe it was days later… Don’t you remember that, Cassie? It was SO awful. I mean, can you imagine what it must have felt like for that woman to have burnt to death? You know, I always wondered if her hair had caught first, it had been long hadn’t it? Blonde too I think.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “And that boy of hers, such a shame. He had been what? Four or five, I can’t remember. He’d inhaled too much of that smoke and it just took a few days for it to suffocate him.” Gabe shook his head here sadly. “Such a tragedy.” 

Cas was shocked. How fucking dare he do this! He didn’t even dare look at Dean now. He knew without having to that there was shock and horror written across his features. Gabe had made up this bullshit story because he knew something about Dean’s history. Cas was being punished for refusing the get that contract signed earlier and Dean was reaping the rewards of that. Cas felt a cold fury as it coursed through his veins and it took every ounce of strength he possessed not to reach across and choke Gabriel. 

Gabe turned those cold eyes back to Cas and he smiled tightly. His eyes eased almost immediately after and he placed his hands rakishly against his hips. “Well! Don’t let me stop you from talking shop over there! Or… I guess you aren’t really talking are you?” He turned innocent eyes to the realtor and spoke with a strange lilt to his voice. “Isn’t it remarkable what people come up with to overcome disabilities? I mean, it’s shocking how normal some of them look, ya know? I wouldn’t have even guessed that he was… Well, like that….” And at that Gabe waved a dismissive hand towards Dean with a disgusted curl of his lip. “He just looks so… normal! Just goes to show, you can’t judge a freak by it’s cover, right? Hmm, well! Go ahead back to your business, just pretend I’m not here!” He finished cheerfully and with that he turned his back on them and swaggered out the door, whistling as he went. 

Castiel had never felt a hatred burn it’s way through him like this before. Even when he’d been a demon, nothing in his millions of years had EVER filled him with this terrible seething fury. His fists were clenched so tightly at his sides that he knew there would be impressions from his fingernails left in his palms for a long time after. He turned stiffly towards Dean and the realtor, both of whom looked completely shocked at Gabriel’s little speech. 

The poor realtor turned uncomfortable eyes towards him and then quickly glanced back towards the door that Gabe had just exited through. She seemed to be working her throat convulsively to try and come up with some words to ease the tension. “There’s… Uh, th-there’s new electrical work throughout the whole house,” she said in an attempt at getting the conversation back on track. Cas commended her professionalism, but he had a feeling that they were probably done for the day now.

He chanced a glance at Dean and his suspicions were confirmed. They needed to go. And he needed to get the fuck rid of Gabriel immediately. 

Cas smiled at her sadly, once his anger had settled a little. “I apologize for that. Perhaps we could continue this at a later time? Dean’s very interested in the property…” 

She nodded to him, thankful for the lifeline he was offering her. “Of course, of course! Take some time to think on it. You have my number, please feel free to contact me anytime!” She bustled around the room now, straightening things needlessly and shuffling papers in her hands. 

Cas reached out tentatively for Dean, lifted one of his hands to cup the other man’s elbow. Dean jolted at the contact and looked startled for a moment. Cas smiled at him sadly and rubbed a thumb gently against the man’s arm. “Dean… I am… there aren’t words… I’m SO sorry.” Cas started haltingly. 

Dean shook his head and pulled his arm from Cas’s grip sharply. Cas tried not to take it personally but it smarted a little. He sighed wearily and did his best to contain his emotions. He and Gabriel would be having some words later and he knew the conversation wasn’t going to be comfortable. 

The ride back to Cas’s apartment had to have been the most uncomfortable fifteen minutes that he’d EVER experienced. He was millions of years old and the short drive from the house to the apartment felt like a lifetime longer than that. Gabe sat in the back again, easy and comfortable and hummed to himself obnoxiously. 

Cas had sat stiffly in his seat and had darted quick looks at Dean more often than probably necessary. Dean for his part was completely still and completely silent. Cas couldn’t tell if he was sad or if he was angry. Perhaps some combination of the two? Cas was still learning to read expressions but Dean’s face was a completely smooth mask of calm. There didn’t seem to be anything floating under it’s surface. And in fact, had it not been for the white knuckled grip around his steering wheel, Cas might not have thought anything was wrong. 

Dean had screeched to a halt in front of Cas’s building and hadn’t bothered to get up or out of the car. Cas exited slowly, wanting to say something to Dean, maybe offer to go home with him. But, he still had Gabriel to deal with. 

He had stepped away from the car in order to allow Gabriel to exit, but the man stayed a moment longer. Gabe caught Dean’s eye in the mirror and whispered something to him, then quirked a smile at the mechanic. Cas hadn’t caught what he’d said, but he doubted it was an apology. As Gabe got out, Cas bent down to talk to Dean but Dean refused to look at him. He simply put his car into drive and tore away from the curb with a squeal. Welp, so much for that. 

Gabe opened his mouth to speak but Cas held up a hand to silence him. “Wait.” He said simply. 

Gabe raised an amused eyebrow and they trotted up the stairs and into Castiel’s apartment in silence. The minute the door clicked shut, Cas rounded on him with a fury born out of embarrassment and indignation. 

“How DARE you, Gabriel! How absolutely fucking dare you do that!” Cas all but shouted. 

Gabe raised both eyebrows at him in surprise but didn’t respond. 

“You KNEW that I was working here, you KNEW that I had plans. It’s entirely possible you’ve ruined everything that I’ve done here. All the work I put into this place!” Cas was definitely shouting now, neighbors be damned. 

He huffed and puffed for another few minutes, screaming similar things back at Gabe with a fury that was barely diminished. After a the third round of “how dare you’s” Gabe finally held up a hand for silence. Cas was breathing heavily and he was reluctant to quiet down. It was taking a strength of will he didn’t know he had in order to keep himself from slugging Gabriel across the jaw. 

Gabe cleared his throat and popped the bones in his neck. “Now, you listen to me, you arrogant dick.” He started with a cold fury that immediately unnerved Cas, regardless of how furious he felt. “You aren’t up here to go to sleep overs and paint fingernails with your little girlfriends, you’re not here to make friends with all the strays you come across. You are here to WORK. I brought you here to work. 10 fucking souls, Cas. You’ve contracted 10 souls in 6 months. That’s drops in a bucket. You’re fucking us both right now and I need you to pull your head out of your ass and open your fucking eyes. I could give two shits about that mechanic you’re so enamored with. I don’t care about matters of principle or souls that look like the sun. You are actively fucking yourself and me in the process.” He paused here, his eyes a flaming red and his voice a low growl. He prodded Cas in the chest with a forefinger and looked like fury incarnate. “You’ll fix this. Now! The next time I come here you better have at least another 50 souls in the bag. And Chuck help you if you don’t. I like you, Cas. You’re my favorite brother, really, but I’m not going to drown for you. And you’re fucking mistaken if you think I’ll let you drag me down with you.” And with that, he simply popped! Right back out of the apartment. 

Cas blinked a couple of times in shock at Gabe’s sudden departure. Then he sagged in relief at the man’s absence. His anger left in a whoosh! And he felt empty instead. He was in so much trouble. If he didn’t fulfill his end of the bargain with Gabe then there was every chance that he’d end up on the rack himself downstairs. The thought chilled him and he sat down heavily on the floor of his living room. He placed his head in his hands and tried desperately to block out the world around him. _What do I do… What am I going to do…_

xxx 

Dean could admit to a certain amount of anger when Gabe had not only called him disabled, but had referenced a mother and son dying in a house fire. The anger was slight though, overshadowed by the shock he felt at the situation. This was not at all how he’d pictured his day going. The shock lasted until he was back in the Impala, with Cas fuming beside him and Gabriel looking nonchalantly out the window, as if nothing had happened. Then the shock subsided and the anger came. It roared through him and gripped ahold of his heart with fierce claws. 

Surely, Gabe didn’t know about his burning when he was a child. Surely not. He didn’t even think that Cas knew, not all the details or anything. He could make an assumption based on Dean’s burns, yeah, but there was no way he knew what had really happened. Unless Sam… no. He wouldn’t betray Dean’s confidence like that. 

The fact that Gabe had been a shit the whole day and then called him disabled in front of the realtor that he was hoping to negotiate a house from… Inexcusable. How in the fuck was this guy related to sweet, dopey, pleasant Cas? Maybe they were step-brothers. That would make more sense. Or one was adopted. He had felt such a warmth steel over him when he’d walked through that house, imagining such wonderful nights spent there with Cas and his family. Gabriel had tainted the entire experience. 

He was trying his best not to hold Cas accountable for any of that. It wasn’t his fault that Gabe was a bag of rat assholes. He didn’t even have any words to convey how pissed he was at that moment. He drove them all safely to Cas’s place and threw the car hastily in park. He was ready for Gabriel to get the fuck out of his Baby. If he never saw the guy again it would be too soon. He KNEW it wasn’t Cas’s fault, but he was still annoyed with him. They could have just canceled today and he never would have had to deal with this shit. But then again… he may not have found the house… 

Cas unfolded himself and stepped to the curb hurriedly and Dean ignored him. He couldn’t deal with this right now. Gabe shuffled a little in his seat and Dean held in his sigh of relief until he was sure that Gabe had exited. Gabriel paused however and leaned his mouth closer to Dean’s ear. Dean could see his eyes in the rearview mirror and he resisted the urge to sneer at him. 

“Be seeing you around, Dean-o…” Gabe said to him quietly, and the words carried more menace than they should have. Dean’s lip did curl at that and he frowned at Gabe’s reflection in the mirror. Dean must have been mistaken then, his anger coloring his perception of what was happening. Because as he looked at Gabriel, the man’s eyes flashed to a glowing and fiery red for an instant, long enough for him to wink at Dean. And then they were their normal golden brown again. The hairs on the back of his neck raised and he felt a tremor try to work it’s way down his spine. And just like that, Gabe was out of the car and his door was slamming shut. 

Dean didn’t wait for any uncomfortable goodbyes. He threw the car in drive and got the hell out of there. He needed some time to cool off and Cas and Gabe had some talking to do. He would get ahold of Cas later and they could awkwardly ignore what happened today. Now wasn’t the time. He needed a cool shower and a drink. Or three. 

Dean managed to limit himself to a single glass of whiskey, though it wasn’t by his own choice. He hadn’t gone to liquor store in a week or two and he was almost completely out. He’d thrown himself onto his bed following a shower that did little calm his thoughts. Today had been a rollercoaster for sure. He’d found the house he wanted to buy! And Cas had looked so sweet while walking through it. But, Gabriel… he stopped that line of thought immediately. He didn’t want to get worked up again right before he was going to go to sleep. 

And what had been up with that conversation he’d overheard? His confusion over that had been glossed over by the events of the rest of the day but the words rang back in his ears now. Contracts and deals… Maybe… Maybe Gabe was in the mafia? Dean snorted at himself. That was a little far-fetched, even if the guy somehow managed to be intimidating at his stature. This wasn’t a movie, people weren’t just in the mafia willy-nilly. But, what in the hell had they been talking about? 

A ringing reached his ears from a foot to his right and he frowned. It almost sounded like… No. There was no way anyone was calling him right now. But… well, that sound was pretty unmistakable. He rolled onto his back and groped blindly for his phone for a moment. He lifted it towards his face and sure enough, **Incoming Call** read boldly on his screen. 

Incoming call from… Cas. _What the hell, Cas?_

Dean pressed the ignore button with an eyeroll. Dude must be butt dialing him. He went to set the phone back down but the ringing started again almost immediately. He huffed in irritation and clicked ignore again. He watched it accusingly for a few seconds. It was silent. Just as he was about to set it down again though, it rang. _FINE! _He thought angrily.__

He swiped accept and put it to his ear, expecting silence or perhaps the rustling sounds of a phone in a pocket. But instead came the sheepish sound of Cas on the other end. 

__**”Dean? I’m guessing you’re there, I know you can’t answer… Listen, uh… I-I wanted to apologize for what happened today. It didn’t seem right to do over the texting.”** _ _

There was a pause here and Dean listened intently to the sounds of Cas’s shaky breath coming through the receiver. This had been a nice gesture, even if he was still annoyed. 

__**”Dean, I am so sorry for what happened today. Gabriel is… well, there aren’t really words for Gabriel. What he did was horrible and uncalled for and I can’t apologize enough. I had no idea he was coming to visit today… we don’t talk very often… I know this doesn’t make up for what happened… If it’s any consolation, I really like that last house…”** _ _

This last bit was almost whispered into the phone and Dean felt a tightening across his chest. He wasn’t mad at Castiel, he couldn’t be. This wasn’t his fault, you don’t get to pick your family after all. 

__**”I guess you don’t get to pick your family, right? We don’t all get lucky with Sam’s after all.”** _ _

Dean smiled at that, it was true. He was very lucky to have Sam. And Bobby, and Jo and Ellen, and Jess, and Charlie for that matter. He felt a pang of regret for Cas. If he’d grown up with people like Gabe… it was a miracle he’d turned out as nice as he did. Sure he was a little socially stunted, but he was at least kind and curious. 

__**”Anyway, I’ll let you go now. I’ll text you tomorrow and I’ll see if you wanna do something then. Though, I would understand if you wanted some time away from me after… everything.”** _ _

Silence on the phone for a few seconds. Dean listened again to the sound of Cas’s breathing and felt sadness drift through him. He wished that Cas was here, so that they could have done this in person. Seeing his face would have been nice. 

__**”Good night, Dean.”** _ _

Another few seconds of silence and then the click of the call being ended. Dean left it against his ear for a time, trying to picture Cas laying in his own bed and possibly doing the same. He had had high hopes for today… Damn. 

He thumbed through his messages quickly before he landed on his text conversation with Cas. He hovered over the keyboard for a second, debating what to do before rolling his eyes at himself. He wasn’t making any life altering decisions here, he needed to get a grip. He tapped the buttons thoughtfully and hit send before he could second guess himself. 

__**Dean: night cas** _ _

__xxx_ _

Cas walked into Dean’s house with no small amount of trepidation the next day. He had sent a short message that morning and asked if it would be alright he came over, to which Dean had quickly agreed. He hoped that they weren’t going to have to talk about what happened too much. He had worked up his courage for over an hour yesterday in order to make that call to Dean. He obviously couldn’t tell if it was well-received or not, but Dean had text him goodnight afterwards, so maybe he wasn’t TOO angry. 

He hadn’t knocked that time. It had been some time since Cas had had to do that. Dean just left the door open now whenever he knew Cas was coming over. Cas still felt a little strange about it, like he was being treated like he belonged here, but maybe he was reading too much into it. He spotted Dean’s head from where it rested against the back of the couch and he crept slowly inwards. Yes, Dean had told him he could come over, but that didn’t necessarily mean that he wasn’t angry still. 

Dean turned when he heard Cas walk into the kitchen. He gave him a half-smile and a little wave and just like that, all the tension bled from Cas’s body. They were ok. He hadn’t realized how nervous he was until he’d seen that little smile. He gave a shaky grin back before grabbing a glass of water and settling himself beside Dean on the couch. 

Dean was in well-worn jeans and a thin blue and pink t-shirt that looked like it had seen better days. He was relaxed with his feet up on the coffee table and a can of soda held loosely in his hand. He looked amazing. Cas’s smile widened. 

He’d opted for his jeans and his too small sweater. His other’s needed to be washed and though he was reluctant to wear this sweater, since it didn’t cover his skin quite so well as the others, it was all that he had right now. He DID notice how Dean’s eyes would trail over him a little longer when he wore this sweater. There was often a small strip of skin that was exposed where the fabric met his jeans when he would lean over or sit down. He tried to ignore the fluttering in his stomach whenever Dean’s eyes would gravitate to it. 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said simply. 

"Heya, Cas. I was thinking we could watch something mindless today? Futurama?"

Cas nodded his head in agreement. He honestly didn’t care what they watched and Futurama had never made any sense to him. Dean liked it though, there were a lot of jokes within jokes that Cas never understood but that always had Dean rolling. There was a particularly memorable episode about some young alien offspring that were being eaten by the main characters. It was a little barbaric but the episode apparently had a Star Trek joke that had been snuck in somewhere that Dean had laughed so hard at that he had tears running down his eyes. Cas had merely smiled in confusion at Dean and enjoyed the look on the man’s face. 

Cas wasn’t paying any attention to what was happening in the episode He kept trying to sneak covert glances from the corner of his eye at Dean. He thought he was being pretty successful about it too until Dean turned to him with a raised eyebrow and pursed lips. 

"What?"

“Nothing!” Cas said quickly. Too quickly. And he cringed at the volume of his voice, much much too loud. Maybe Dean would let it go? 

"Come on, out with it. Dean was frowning at him, though he didn’t look angry, just exasperated." 

“I… I was worried you were angry with me. Because of yesterday.” Cas said lamely. 

Dean’s expression softened and he looked down at his hands thoughtfully. "That wasn’t your fault, man. I’m not angry with you. And.. I don’t wanna say anything mean about your brother…"

“He’s an asshole!” Cas blurted out quickly and then blushed furiously. “I’m sorry. He’s an asshole, always has been. He cares a great deal for me, even though he’s hard pressed to express it. He’s… taken good care of me in the past, but he has a temper. He was angry at me yesterday and he took it out on you. It was terrible and not something he should have done but probably something I should have anticipated.” Cas scrubbed his face with his hands and refused to look up to meet Dean’s eye. 

He felt heat against his shoulder and glanced to the side briefly. Dean had a hand rested lightly against his shoulder and was smiling at him sadly. "You can’t pick the family you’re born with." He signed to him slowly. "And sometimes the love you feel for them, or they feel for you, can be destructive. Sometimes it isn’t enough that they care about you. Sometimes it burns like a wildfire and it’ll destroy everything in it’s path. My dad… Well, I know what it’s like…" Dean signed this last with a gulp and a slight tremor in his movements. 

That was more than Cas had been expecting. It was more information than Dean had ever really given him about his feelings or his history. Cas did his best to school his features into something neutral instead of the shock he felt. It must not have bothered Dean much because he simply placed his hand on Cas’s shoulder again and squeezed it once before scooting back over to his side of the couch. 

That seemed to be the end of their discussion and Cas wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He was obviously being absolved of his guilt and that felt nice. But, there was an uncomfortable sensation in his belly now as he thought over what Dean had said about family and love. There had even been the brief mention of his dad… Charlie had warned Cas pretty early on not to bring up John Winchester to either of the boys and he’d done his best not to even hint near the subject. Perhaps this was why… there was obviously a lot of pain associated with the man and it was apparent in the shaking of Dean’s hands as he’d mentioned it. 

Now wasn’t the time for that though. They both needed some time to think and some time to relax and they would do just that. He smiled a little to himself. He was glad that their friendship had survived Hurricane Gabriel. And while he was still furious at Gabriel for the way he had acted, he could at least be thankful that Dean had taken it in stride and wasn’t angry at Castiel for it. 

For now, he would watch the drunken robot on the television search for free-will, and didn’t that hit a little close to home? He sipped his water and laughed when it was appropriate. He did his best not to dwell too heavily on any one topic, instead trying to let the warm atmosphere and Dean’s shining soul soothe his nerves. He had another 6 months, it was plenty of time. 

xxx 

Dean had been excited when Cas had asked to come over. He had thought last night that perhaps Cas was just being polite but no, he text Dean promptly at 8 and asked if he wanted to hang out that day. He had hoped that they wouldn’t have to have a feelings discussion, he hadn’t ever been very good at those and he was anxious about it. But even still, it would be good to see Cas again. He hoped it would soothe some part of him that was still ruffled from yesterday’s nightmare. 

He had glanced backwards when Cas walked in and given the other man a small smile and a half wave. He had meant for it to look more easygoing and charming but he’d been distracted by that damn sweater Cas had worn. 

It was way too small to be appropriate, really. Cas didn’t wear it often, since it didn’t cover as much skin as he wanted. H closed his eyes while Cas got a drink of water and willed his heart to slow. He could handle this, no problem. They were just hanging out, nothing weird was going on. Ok, yeah, he was good, great even. 

He smiled again as Cas sat down on the couch next to him and did his best to ignore the fact that the motion of sitting had caused the bottom of the sweater to ride up his side a little bit, leaving exposed a strip of deliciously tanned skin right about his jeans. He hated that fucking sweater. As if it weren’t bad enough that it was way too small for Cas’s broad frame it was also a combination of the strangest color pattern he’d ever seen. It was diagonal stripes of pink, yellow, and blue stacked on top of each other and repeated about a million times. It would have been eye catching even if wasn’t so goddamn small. Ugh. 

Dean tried to play cool but Cas’s blatant side eyes finally got to him and he was afraid they were going to have to have this discussion. It actually didn't end up being as painful as he had worried it would be. Cas had apologized again and Dean had assured him it wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t even sure where the bit of love like a wildfire had come from but it rang true to his ears and it must have to Cas as well for he looked more thoughtful than he had before. Dean gave his shoulder a squeeze and just like that, the tension was gone. They were just hanging out and watching cartoons again, like it was supposed to be. 

Did he wish that Cas was leaned up against him and in Dean’s pajama pants as well as that sweater? Yes. But, this was ok, this was enough. He wondered a little hysterically where all this need for affection was coming from. Maybe his brain had yo-yoed back from that nightmare yesterday and had taken a completely different approach to handling his stress and anxiety over it. Dean chanced another small smile at Cas and felt his heart warm when he saw how relaxed he was now. _Poor guy has probably been carrying around the weight of his brother’s behavior for longer than I’ve known him…_

_This is enough..._ Dean thought. _Enough for now._

xxx 

The weather has started to shift and Cas HATED it. It had apparently stayed unseasonably warm for a few months later than it should have but now the autumn hit them with a vengeance. Dean had looked pleased as punch the first day the weather dipped below 60 degrees. Cas did his best not to hate him for it. This was unbearable. And it apparently was going to get even colder! Cas had also started to notice bright orange pumpkins popping up everywhere and the garish orbs seemed to mock him where they sat on porches, in grocery stores, even on the kitchen counter in Sam’s house. 

The weather turning at least allowed me the opportunity to purchase warmer clothes. Though since the weather was colder it was almost a moot point. Charlie had taken him to Target a week ago and while he’d been wary of going shopping again the experience hadn’t been nearly as traumatizing as the mall had been. Charlie had been overly enthusiastic the entire time and had ended up purchasing no less than 3 coffee cups with, “the cutest little designs on them!” 

Cas managed to purchase 2 long sleeve shirts, another sweater, 2 cardigans and a pair of long underwear. He had ignored Charlie’s not-so-silent laughter at the long underwear, he’d been excited about the find and he wasn’t going to let her shame him for it. The trip had been fairly quick and Cas was more than happy to escape into the quiet environs of his apartment afterwards. Charlie had given him a friendly pat on the shoulder and told him that she’d see him later. 

He had smiled at her warmly and told her he was looking forward to it. He meant it too actually. That thought didn’t nearly surprise him as much as it should have. He really liked Charlie, she was so easy to be around. He was going to mi- No. No, he wasn’t starting that. 

The day before Halloween dawned crisp and cool and Cas had been loathe to leave the warmth of his blankets. It was a Friday and he glad for the opportunity to sleep in. He’d been working at the coffee shop for around 6 months now and his body had still not adjusted to rousing himself that early. Dean and Charlie told him that he wasn’t a morning person and he had grudgingly agreed. There WAS no mornings in Hell, there was no real time. It made sense that he was having trouble with the schedule adjustment. Though, it seemed like an oversight to deprive the tormented souls in the Pit of the absolute horrors of waking early in morning. 

He hadn’t made plans that day and so was surprised when a loud knocking at his door broke him from his light dozing. Who on Earth could that be? Gabriel would have just poofed into the apartment. He was wary to answer it, Gabriel had warned him of “stranger danger” when he’d arrived. He wasn’t living in the nicest place, to be honest. He rose slowly and threw on a pair of sweats, a long sleeved shirt and one of his cardigans before he stumbled his way to the door. 

The knocking had grown more insistent and he hesitated at the door. “Who is it…?” He asked cautiously. 

“It’s the cops!” A shrill female voice responded. There was a scuffle from behind the door and some giggling. Wonderful. 

“Hello, Jo.” Cas said in exasperation as he opened the door. “And Jessica.” 

“Cas! You look like Mr. Rogers’s way hotter cousin.” Jo crowed at him delightedly. 

He rolled his eyes at her again. He didn’t understand the reference but he DID know that she was teasing him. “To what do I owe the pleasure, ladies?” 

“You’re so cute, this is why I like you.” Jo said again. 

Jess slapped her lightly on the arm in admonishment. “We’re going to a Halloween party tonight…” Jess started saying. 

“And you’re coming!” Jo exclaimed. 

Dean had mentioned a Halloween party last week, but truthfully, Cas hadn’t thought much about it after the initial curiosity. It would seem that he had made a tactical error. “It’s a little early to go to a party…” Cas said, his question implied. 

“Obviously.” Jo said with an eyeroll. 

“Stop that, Joanna.” Jess slapped her again. “We’re here to take you shopping for a costume!” Jess’s excitement was rolling off of her in waves and Cas felt a creeping horror settle over him. 

“Shopping… I don’t need a costume for a party.” Though really he didn’t know, he’d never been to one before. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a Halloween party, of COURSE you need a costume. We tried to get Dean to come but he insisted he had a costume already and there wasn’t any reason for him to join, so you’re stuck with us. Now, hurry up, we’re burning daylight!” Jess said with a quick glance up and down his body. 

He had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn’t going to be able to get out of this. He knew from experience that separately both Jess and Jo were a force to be reckoned with but together they were like a tornado of destruction. He tried again, though at this point he figured it was futile. “I actually had plans today…” 

“You know when you lie you look up to the left ever so slightly.” Jo told him matter-of-factly. 

Cas balked at that. Did he really? Was he truly that obvious? Shit. He frowned at them then, though neither looked particularly perturbed about it. He was losing his edge if he couldn’t even intimidate two petite blonde women who weighed probably 110 pounds each. “Fine.” He spat at them and walked back into his apartment to get cleaned up. 

They followed him in and stood politely in his living room. He had half-expected them to start nosing through his things, and he’d snatched his **Being Human** before heading to his bedroom, but it seemed that barging in on him and basically abducting him were enough of an inconvenience for them. He brushed his teeth quickly and changed into jeans. He kept the shirt and cardigan on though, Mr. Rogers be damned. 

They both beamed at him excitedly and he squinted at them suspiciously. They ignored it and turned back around to head to Jess’s car. On the way, Jess slung an arm through Castiel’s and smiled at him prettily. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fun!” 

“Yeah! We can get you something slutty to make Dean jealous!” Jo hollered back at him. 

He felt heat rise up his neck and to his face at that. He had no intentions of making Dean jealous. And he definitely didn’t plan on wearing anything “slutty.” It was going to be a long day. 

xxx 

Dean frowned at himself in the mirror. He had begged off going shopping with the girls today. Mostly because he hated it and a little bit because he hadn’t had enough coffee to deal with their energy that morning. He did feel maybe an eensy, teensy, little bit bad that he’d basically thrown Cas to the wolves on that one but he was a grown ass man, he could handle himself surely. 

Dean hadn’t shaved yet and he decided to forgo it for the evening. It made him look more mysterious or some shit. He glanced at his back and rolled his eyes at himself. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him last week when he’d bought this stupid costume. Actually, yes he did know, it was Jess. Who had cooed and awwed at him until he’d purchased the damn just to get her to shut up. Now he was stuck with it and there was no doubt in his mind that the group would leave him here if he tried to go without a costume. At least he was able to wear normal clothes underneath all this crap. 

He adjusted the metal hoop around his head and sighed heavily. There was nothing for it at this point. He’d made his bed and now he had to lie in it. Hopefully they picked up something equally as humiliating for Cas to wear. He actually hadn’t seen Jess or Jo beyond a brief flash of hair when they’d returned from shopping with Cas as they darted into Jess’s bathroom to start getting ready. That had been a few hours ago. Women. 

He knew Sam was going to give him hell for this stupid costume but at least he didn’t have to wear a matching one. He knew that Jess insisted on couple’s costumes every year, who knew what she’d come up with this go around. He hoped it was just as hilarious as the fireman and dalmatian from a couple years ago. Jess had been the fireman, Sam had been the dalmatian. 

He exited his bedroom to see Sam already milling about the kitchen. He frowned at him a moment before comprehension dawned. He grinned broadly at his little brother. He had a short sleeved white and blue checkered shirt that was tucked into a pair of khakis, a red ballcap and Sam’s crappy looking running sneakers on. 

”Hey there, Forrest!” He signed once Sam looked up at him. 

Sam rolled his eyes at him. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, Chuckles. At least this is a good movie. Not trailer park angel or whatever you’ve got going on.” 

Dean held a hand over his heart and looked mock-shocked. ”I’m an archangel! But like that one Travolta played, that drank and shit. Or like Icarus from the cover of the Zep album… You know what, fuck you. Your wife made me…” He finished lamely. 

Sam nodded sagely and held his peace. Dean was surprised at that, but he supposed being ousted from your own room by the Blonde Tornado for hours could dampen anyone’s mood. “Hopefully they’ll be done soon. I had to close the bathroom AND bedroom doors to drown out the sounds of their shrieking and the boy bands. I made the tiniest mistake in asking if something was the Backstreet Boys when it was really N*Sync and you’d think I’d just called Hitler a swell guy. I high-tailed it out of there after that.” 

Dean felt his eyes crinkle in the corners and laughed heartily. Sam gave him a self deprecating half smile and offered Dean a beer. “Pre-game.” 

Dean nodded happily and gladly accepted the drink. Charlie was hosting a Halloween party at her place and Dean knew for a fact that he was going to need to be AT LEAST 3 beers in before they even left. She threw some pretty crazy ragers for a little nerdy girl. 

He and Sam were just polishing off beer number 2 when the girls swaggered in. Jess looked surprisingly beautiful in a long floral dress with a fringed vest and a flower crown. He nodded appreciatively at her and she winked at him before giving Sam a kiss on the cheek. Jo was… He wasn’t sure. Her hair was curled in loose waves and she was wearing black robes that trailed to the floor. She was wearing large oblong earring that were… oh. They were radishes. He noticed then that she had on a bottlecap necklace and large winged glasses atop her head that were covered in glitter. Luna Lovegood. He had a sneaking suspicion that he knew what Charlie’s costume would be, but he held off on commenting. 

“Nice halo there, Earth Angel!” Jo said with a smile that earned her a finger from Dean. She chuckled at him and waved him off with a flippant hand. “Relax, relax. That’s no way for an Angel of the Lord to act!” 

This was going to be a long night. 

xxx 

Castiel had resolved to simply walk to Charlie’s home. She didn’t live far and he had desperately needed some time away from the girls after their little outing that day. He had felt like a very large, very gruff paper doll about 20 minutes into the entire ordeal. They had visited two costume shops and had insisted that he try on what felt like 100 outfits. He had protested but his complaints had fallen on deaf ears. The outfits got more and more outlandish the more time wore on and by the end Cas had needed a nap. 

He’d been dressed as a pirate, then as the pirate’s parrot, an old-timey prison inmate, a dinosaur, something hairy that Jo assured him was meant to be Chewbacca, a tooth fairy, a princess, an angel, which Cas hadn’t minded as much as he had thought he would. Finally, Jess had swanned over with a large shapeless tunic that fit over his head and arms. It was thick and so he was felt pretty well insulated in it. Maybe it wouldn’t so terrible, the material was mostly soft if a little garish. Jo had immediately snatched some nearby “doodle-boppers” and plunked them on his head. She and Jess had laughed outrageously and had proclaimed that they were done, finally. Truthfully, this wasn’t the worst thing they could have put him in. At least he would be comfortable. 

He’d gotten home and swiftly fallen into bed. He had really, really needed a nap after all of that. He was exhausted. He set a rough alarm for 6, so he’d have enough time to get up, get cleaned up, and make the walk over to Charlie’s in a reasonable amount of time. He had been told by a laughing Charlie, that an 8 o’clock start time for a party was really more of a rough guideline and that he didn’t need to worry about getting there at the exact minute. 

He had been wary but Charlie had seemed sincere so he’d reluctantly agreed to not try to make it a HUGE priority. His alarm sounding startled him awake. It had felt like he’d just closed his eyes! How was it 6 already! Uuuuugh! 

He stumbled unsteadily to his feet. Ok, shower first then to wake him up. He worked through a shower, brushed his teeth, ate a light dinner, and wrestled himself into his costume. He had on his black sweats and a long sleeved black shirt under the striped yellow and black tunic. He stared in distaste at the… doodle-boppers… Jo had insisted they made the costume and so he grabbed them grumpily and jammed them on his head. He looked like an idiot. 

He took a deep breath and steeled himself against the cold he knew he was about to walk into. At the last second he grabbed a cardigan, black, and slung it over his shoulders. It bunched a little strangely in the back because of the tunic but there was nothing for it. He knew it would probably bend the little wings that were between his shoulder blades but he doubted they were necessary for the costume to be recognizable. He glanced behind himself in question, at least the little stinger stuck was alright, it stuck out the bottom of his cardigan at a rakish angle and he made a half-hearted attempt to straighten it. There was nothing for it, maybe a bent stinger was fitting for him. With a long sigh he exited his apartment and walked slowly into the cold night air, looking for all the world like an old bee on it’s way to the Gallows. 

xxx 

Dean had driven the 4 of them to Charlie’s house in the Impala. They all planned to crash at Charlie’s place so Dean didn’t mind taking his Baby. The thought of her getting bent around a telephone pole while he was he was drunk curled his stomach. No, it was good they were sacking out there tonight. The girls had taken the backseat and if Dean had thought their enthusiasm had dwindled during their prep time he was mistaken. They chattered loudly and sang off-key renditions of the classic rock that was pouring out of the speakers in the car. It was definitely going to be a long night, though he found himself smiling at their antics against his will. 

Dean wondered who all Charlie would have over tonight. There were a few coffee shop regulars that he knew she’d invited. And there were her friends… their friends really… that they LARP’ed with a few times a year. Probably some other nerds she knew from book stores, comic stores, nerd stores, whatever stores. Also, there would be Cas. And Dean was reluctant to admit how excited he was to see the other man tonight. 

Getting into the car with the stupid wings on had been a trial and he was lucky that the halo wasn’t very tall or he wouldn’t have fit at all. He cursed himself again for letting Jess harass him into getting this outfit. He could have gotten a cowboy hat and just been a damn gunslinger or something. But nooo… he’d somehow been coerced into this-this tragedy of a costume. 

They arrived outside of Charlie’s place a little after 8 and Dean was surprised to see so many cars outside already. They weren’t even that late by party standards, in fact, they were damn early. They had come with the intention of helping to finish setting up, but it looks like they were too late for that. Welp, hopefully her Highness had managed on her own. 

They made their way inside with some friendly teasing. There were groups of people clumped together here and there and a low thrum of music working it’s way around the room. Charlie’s house was much larger than Sam and Jess’s, it had been inherited by her when her parents had passed away something like 15 years ago. He wondered if it was ever weird for her to be here, but she seemed to take it all in stride. 

“Oh-lo!” Came a loud voice to their right. Charlie was in the kitchen with a large smile on her face and was waving them over eagerly. Dean eyed her speculatively as they made their towards the snacks and the beers. She had her long red hair straightened and was also wearing long black robes. There was even a red and gold lion patch on her chest. He smirked to himself. _Figures... Charlie always was a fan of the book Ginny._ And hadn’t he just known when he saw Jo as Luna that Charlie would likely be dressed as Ginny Weasley. 

He wondered if they thought they were being sneaky, but let it slide without comment. They’d talk about it when they were ready, he supposed. They spent the next half hour chatting amicably with Charlie and the other assembled groups in the house. The music had been cranked up at some point and it was much louder in here than it was when they’d arrived. He’d taken to scanning the room every five to ten minutes, looking for a glimpse of a dark head in the crowd. Jo seemed to notice on about the third or fourth pass and she gave him a light punch in the arm. 

“Who you looking for, Cinderella?” She asked with a twinkle in her eye. 

Dean pursed his lips at her and she laughed at him lightly. 

“Relax, Dean-bean. He’ll be here. Wait til you see what we picked out for him, it’s the cutest damn thing!” She had to raise her voice to be heard over the music. “Speaking of!” She said with a grin and pointed vaguely behind him towards the door. 

Dean turned quickly and followed her gesture. It took him a moment to find what she’d been pointing at. There were people milling around everywhere now and Dean wondered when they had gotten there. How did Charlie even know this many people? 

A group of people dissipated while he was looking and sure enough, there was Cas. Dean did his best to hide a grin when he got a good look at him. He looked like just about the surliest, most grumpy honeybee he’d ever seen. As he watched, Cas batted angrily at the wobbly antenna he had on his head, which only served to make them bounce joyfully back into his face. He lost his battle with his grin and smiled broadly towards his friend. How was it possible to look that cute while looking so absolutely put-out? 

He waved his hand over the crowd and tried to catch Cas’s attention. Cas scanned the area around him suspiciously and finally noticed Dean as the man stood on his tiptoes, hand still waving in the air. Cas made a… bee-line for him then and Dean’s smile widened at the look of relief on Cas’s face. The poor guy was absolutely out of his element here and Dean felt a little pang of sympathy for him. This was probably really overwhelming. 

Once Cas stepped next to him he clapped him on the shoulder a couple of times in greeting. It was good to see him, actually, really good. And the costume was just… just absolutely wonderful, he loved it. It brought to mind the time they’d been watching that documentary on bees and Dean had been completely enamored with Cas’s face while they’d watched. The guy was so laser focused on the show that you’d think it had held all the secrets of the universe. Dean hadn’t even been able to focus on the screen, Cas had captured his attention so completely that he hadn’t even turned away when Cas had caught him staring. Dean felt his lips turn up at the memory. And now the image of Cas’s frowning face with bouncing antenna moving about his head would forever be seared into his memory along with the bee documentary. He gave the man a crooked smile and signed to him in greeting. 

”Hey there, honeybee. What brings you to this neck of the woods?”

xxx 

Cas felt chilled to the bone by the time he made it to Charlie’s house. He should have put on another layer, his tunic and cardigan weren’t enough to combat the temperature of the autumn night. On Charlie’s doorstep he’d stamped his feet a couple times and rubbed his hands together to try and warm the frozen digits. It hadn’t helped much and he hoped that the temperature was better inside. 

He could hear the sticky pulse of music from out here and he worried that he wouldn’t be able to hear anyone talking. At least he could sign with his friends if nothing else… He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and knocked politely on the door. He waited with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his cardigan. There was no answer and he frowned at the wood before him. He knocked again, louder this time. Still, there was no response. _Perhaps they can’t hear me over the music… Is it inappropriate to just… enter?_ He thought with a little trepidation. 

Tentatively, he turned the knob of the door. There was no resistance, it was already open. Perhaps this was standard party protocol? He stepped inside and looked around at the assembled crowd suspiciously. He didn’t recognize anyone here… Exacerbated by the fact that they were all dressed up as various scary/sexy/unrecognizable characters. What if he couldn’t find Dean in this mess? His felt his hands start to sweat at that thought. 

He wasn’t really equipped to handle such a large social gathering on his own… Where was everyone? One of the doodle-boppers from his headband bounced down towards his face and he swatted at it angrily. The damn things were impeding his vision! He scanned the room again and felt palpable relief when his eyes finally landed on a frantically waving figure across the room. _Dean… Thank the Devil._

He swept towards Dean quickly, he did his best to avoid touching any of the other party-goers, but it seemed like a lost cause. Finally, he came level with the blonde mechanic and felt a shiver run up his spine. Dean’s heat pulsed outwards towards him and the feeling of the warmth of it calmed him. He side-eyed the man under the guise of looking around the room again. 

Dean was dressed as… what could only be assumed to be a mortal vision of an angel. A very rough and tumble looking angel. He knew that no angel would ever be caught dead in a loose fitting plaid overshirt and dark workboots, but the idea of it was rather charming. Dean clapped him on the shoulder a few times and Cas resisted the urge to shiver against the feeling of it. He needed to get a grip on himself. He turned fully towards Dean and felt a small smile form on his mouth. It was good to see him, really good. The angel costume was endearing to him and he looked at the wings and the halo pointedly. 

”Hey there, honey bee! What brings you to this neck of the woods?” Dean signed to him with a smirk on his face. 

Cas rolled his eyes at the other man. He was teasing him and Cas felt himself fall into a familiar routine. ”I could ask you the same question, Angel.” Cas responded by signing, it was easier than trying to yell over the music.

Dean frowned a little at that and scrunched his nose in thought. ”That doesn’t sound right. Maybe we should have switched costumes.”

Cas pondered that for a moment, trying to picture Dean with the striped tunic and the doodle-boppers. It would have been cute, for sure. But, he actually liked the wings and the halo. They seemed more in line with what Cas felt and saw from the man’s soul. ”Little late for that, I think.”

Dean’s smile turned wicked and he arched an eyebrow at Cas. ”Oh, I don’t know…” He signed slowly and paused, thinking. ”I could probably get you out of that tunic pretty quickly if I needed too.”

Cas felt color rise to cheeks almost immediately and he bit his lower lip to try and stifle his involuntary reaction to that statement. He knew that Dean was just teasing him, but how he wished that he meant it. Beside him Dean was laughing and though he couldn’t hear the exhalation of those short breaths, he could see the crinkling at the corners of Dean’s eyes and he could almost imagine hearing the sounds.

Dean gave him another couple of pats on the shoulder and signed that he was going to go get him a drink. Cas nodded in understanding and took the opportunity to try and calm himself while Dean was gone. He was being painfully transparent and as a demon he should have better control over himself. He glanced towards where Dean had sauntered into the kitchen. He watched his movements as he navigated nimbly around a pair of women dressed as sexy police officers. Dean shot them both a wink and they giggled into their hands. Cas felt his lip curl at their obvious flirtations and then had to remind himself that it didn’t matter if Dean flirted with these women. Cas had no hold on him, and in fact, did not WANT to have a hold on him… right? 

A sharp poke in his ribs startled him and he glanced quickly to the his left. Jo stood next to him in sweeping robes of black with a knowing smirk on her face. She gestured for him to lean closer to her and she stood on her tiptoes and cupped a palm over her mouth and towards his ear. 

“I wouldn’t worry about them if I was you!” She almost shouted at him over the music. 

Cas feigned confusion and turned a small frown towards her. “Who?” He yelled back. 

Jo rolled her eyes at him and smacked him lightly on the arm. “You know who!” And she gestured towards the kitchen with an annoyed wave of her hand. She paused here and they both watched Dean grab 2 beers from the counter and start back towards them. One of the women placed a hand on his forearm and tilted her head towards him coquettishly. Dean smiled at her and shook his head at something she was saying. 

“He likes you, you know.” Jo said to him, quieter this time. 

Cas shrugged at that. Well, obviously Dean liked him, he liked Dean too. He also liked Jo and Charlie and Sam and Jess, but he wasn’t sure what that had to do this with this. 

__Jo turned sincere eyes towards him and studied his face in silence for a few seconds. She must have been satisfied with what she saw there because she gave him a small smile and patted his arm comfortingly. “He’s worth waiting for. Give it some time, he’ll pull his head out of his ass eventually.”_ _

Cas turned startled eyes towards her and was formulating a response to that when Dean stepped back into his line of sight. Dean silently handed him a beer and smile at him warmly. Cas felt a swooping in his stomach and took a sip of the beer in his hand in an attempt to cover it up.  "Thank you." Cas signed off-handedly. 

Dean nodded to him once and turned sharp eyes towards Jo. They talked for a few minutes about the party and there was some teasing involved, but Cas ignored it for the most apart. He was thinking about what Jo had just said to him. He likes you and he’s worth waiting for… Maybe she’d meant more than he had assumed. Maybe this was akin to Charlie asking if he liked Dean all those months ago. Maybe it was… romantic. Did Dean like him romantically? The thought of it warmed his chest and he sipped his beer with a small smile on his lips. 

A large calloused hand waved in front of his face and broke him from his mental reverie. He inhaled some of the beer down the wrong pipe and spluttered and choked for a moment. Dean clapped him on the back a couple times, his face a little pinched in worry. Cas waved him off and tried to play the whole thing off like it wasn’t a big deal. Dean eyed him warily for a few seconds but shrugged eventually and went back to talking to Jo. 

“I came over here to ask Cas to dance!” She shouted at Dean. 

Cas was surprised at that and looked at Jo in confusion. She made a show of winking at him and tossed her hair over her shoulder in a flirtatious manner. Cas glanced at Dean and he also seemed surprised by this turn of events. He looked over at Cas and was it Cas’s imagination or did Dean look a little… worried? 

“Jo… I don’t know how to dance…!” Cas said to her lowly. 

She waved him off and rolled her eyes. “It’s all in the hips, sugar!” And with that, she grabbed his hand and walked him away from Dean towards a makeshift dance floor in the living room. Cas cast a half-hearted “help me” face back towards Dean, but Dean seemed to still be in shock about the whole affair. _Thanks for the help, Judas…_ Cas thought darkly. 

Jo whirled him around and he felt his beer start to slip from his fingers at the sudden movement. He snatched at it before it had a chance to fall and Jo laughed at him heartily. Jo placed a hand tightly against his hip and pulled him towards her. Their hips bumped against one another and Cas gulped in terror. He had not anticipated this happening this evening. 

__Jo winked at him again. “Come on, let’s make ‘em jealous, tiger.”_ _

__Cas looked at her, eyes wide and mouth open slightly. “Wh-who?” He asked dumbly._ _

__She blanched slightly and looked around at the people bouncing around them. “Dean!” She said quickly. “We’re making Dean jealous!” She laughed again at the look on his face. “Relax, this’ll be fun.”_ _

__And with that she started a quick gyrating rhythm that Cas had no hopes of following. He did his best to follow the beat of the music but he discovered pretty quickly that he had no hopes of keeping up. This body wasn’t meant for dancing, not like this anyway. He resisted the urge to look back at Dean. He knew his face was flaming right now and he wasn’t sure what this level of mortification would look like to an outside observer. He wasn’t sure what this all was meant to accomplish but he did his best to go along with it._ _

__xxx_ _

__There was something strangely fascinating about watching Luna Lovegood hip swivel against a confused honeybee that looked like the grandfather of his hive. Dean watched, stone still, as the poor honeybee did a half-hearted sway from side to side. Cas didn’t have a chance, Jo was an excellent dancer though, and so was able to cover his obvious ineptitude with some manner of grace. Dean found his eyes drawn to the pathetic little stinger sticking out of the bottom of Cas’s cardigan and he watched as it bounced and bobbed to Cas’s disjointed dance moves._ _

__How did he even get here? How was this his life right now? He was holding a beer that was currently sweating into his overheated hand, wearing a halo and dorky little wings, watching his sister dressed as Luna Lovegood grind on a grumpy honeybee that he was hopelessly in love with._ _

__Wait._ _

__What?_ _

__Was he in love with Cas?_ _

__Now, it could never be said that Dean Winchester was a stupid man, slow on the uptake sometimes, sure, maybe a little emotionally stunted, yeah, but stupid? Never. Yet here he was, struck dumb by watching two of his best friends sway to a Miley Cyrus song and feeling his heartbeat quicken at the look of consternation on a cardigan wearing bee’s face as one of his antenna bounced down to smack him in the nose._ _

__He was in love with Cas._ _

__Fuck._ _

__He gulped against his suddenly dry throat. Now, he’d known that there was a certain level of attraction between the two of them. I mean, obviously! Look at them! And sure they liked hanging out, and texting and signing and stuff. Dean enjoyed introducing Cas to shows and movies he liked, and he even liked watching those ridiculous documentaries that Cas liked so much. But… love… Oh no…_ _

_Dean, you moron! How did you let this happen… look at that stupid stinger…_ His attention was again drawn by the stinger on Cas’s costume. _What have I done…_

__He watched as the song came to a close and Cas looked down at Jo in relief. A smile quirked up at the edges of his mouth at Cas’s obvious discomfort with dancing. Jo was laughing loudly and had looped her arm his waist and was steering them back towards where Dean stood. He smiled at them and waved a little, doing his best to pretend he hadn’t just had a huge emotional revelation while “Party in the USA” had been playing._ _

__Neither Cas nor Jo seemed disturbed by the tightness in his shoulders and so he figured he was covering himself pretty well. They resumed their conversation and Cas seemed much more relaxed now, despite the traumatic dance floor experience he’d just had. Dean wondered briefly what Jo had said to him out there and he eyed her suspiciously. She seemed unconcerned and eventually wandered off to go find herself something to drink. That left Dean alone with Cas and for the first time in their entire friendship Dean had absolutely no idea what to say to the man. Cas didn’t seem bothered in the least and was simply watching the people around them mill about in their costumes._ _

__Cas always did like people-watching. It gave Dean the opportunity to study the man’s face mostly undisturbed. His eyes slide down the rough cut of Cas’s jaw and the sharp angle his nose cut across his profile. He was all hard lines and stern exterior and it sent a thrill down Dean’s spine thinking about the stubble from the man’s cheek rubbing against his own. Cas’s skin was tanned and he remembered quite clearly how it felt in his hands while they’d been at the lake. That had been almost completely innocent, he really had just been trying to teach Cas to swim, but… still the feeling of the muscles of his back rippling under Dean’s hands had felt amazing. Dean allowed himself to think idly what the rest of him would feel like rippling under his hands._ _

__Cas turned his lamp-like blue eyes towards him and Dean realized he’d been staring for too long. His lips tightened briefly and he finished his beer in one long draw. He needed more alcohol tonight. Lots and lots more alcohol._ _

_What the fuck do I do now?_ Dean thought frantically as he hurried away to grab two more beers from the kitchen. 

__xxx_ _

__If you had asked Cas 6 months ago how his time on Earth would be spent, he would have had a simple answer. It would have been so simple in fact, that you would have questioned it’s validity. The answer had changed as his months up here had worn on, but the mission was always in the back of his mind. It’s urgency nudged against the lobes of his brain with a relentless pressure._ _

__At no point, during his millenia in Hell, or even his 6 months on Earth, did he ever consider that he would be spending his time on Earth like he was at the present moment. He was a creature formed from the darkness of night terrors, built in the image of his master and creator, Chuck. His very existence was built around the knowledge that he was to main, torture, and corrupt all that was ever good and pure in creation. Even if pressed he didn’t think he could have imagined his current situation, which could have been for the best, really._ _

__He was standing in the middle of a crowded dance floor, surrounded by scantily clad policewomen, Waldo’s, zombies, several Dracula’s, a number of sexy cats, two of the Doctor’s and there was even a poop emoji near the corner. He was here, surrounded by all these people, dressed as a honeybee, with a very drunk and very sloppy angel in front of him. Dean had had too many beers and had reached the point that evening that he was almost unintelligible with his signing. He was soldiering on however and Cas admired his tenacity for that._ _

__Cas swiftly sidestepped a particularly grandiose gesture from his dance partner and was pulled back towards him almost immediately. How did this happen to him? What choices had he made in his life that led him here? Dean was clinging to him while he regained his balance and Cas cupped a hand around his elbow to help. After a moment, Dean sent him a watery smile and was back to trying to sign along to the music around them. He’d never seen Dean do this before, but he supposed many of the people here were singing along so perhaps Dean simply wanted to do the same in his own way. Cas wasn’t familiar with the song, but it had the synthetic sound of an 80’s power ballad and the sappy lyrics of a love song. Dean seemed familiar with it, because along with the sloppy singing, he was mouthing along to the lyrics. Occasionally, he’d throw a hand around Cas’s neck and would pull him close. Each time that happened Cas felt feverish where Dean touched him. How did he even get here?_ _

__The chorus hit then and the assembled crowd raised several drunken voices to lend themselves to accompany the music coming from the speakers._ _

______Is this love that I’m feeling,  
Is this the love, that I’ve been searching for  
Is this love or am I dreaming,  
This must be love,  
‘Cos it’s really got a hold on me,  
A hold on me… 

__Dean was swaying dangerously to one side and Cas shifted his hand from the man’s elbow to his hip to help steady him. He was helping to hold a drunken angel upright, while dressed as a bee, while said drunken angel signed along with drunken people who were singing along to an 80’s power ballad love song around him. Dean’s eyes were closed tightly, as if he was trying his best to really FEEL the music as it washed over them. _Is this even real life?_ Cas thought drily. _Maybe I’m suffering from some human madness… What did I do to get here? Look at your life, Cas. Look at your choices.__ _

__He refrained from sighing heavily, a very human gesture, and tightened his grip around Dean. The man had insisted that Cas dance with him as soon as the song had started. It had seemed very important to him and Cas had begrudgingly followed him to the dancefloor. Though follow was a generous term, really he was dragged bodily onto the floor by a strong hand and a sturdy arm. He had spotted Sam and Jess clinging to one another with similar bleary looks of intoxication while they’d walked out here. Jo and Charlie were nowhere to be seen._ _

__Dean suddenly gripped Cas tightly around the waist and pulled him roughly flush with his body. Cas felt his eyelids flutter at the sensation and he did his best to extricate himself without upsetting Dean. Now was not the time for physical advances. Dean was far, far too drunk to be making sound choices and Cas knew logically that if he weren’t so drunk then he wouldn’t be making the advances in the first place. Right? He glanced over at Dean and felt his heart stutter at the warm smile that was directed at him. Maybe… Maybe he could hope… if just for a moment._ _

__The last notes of the song faded from the speakers and something more lively took it’s place. Perhaps he could steer Dean somewhere quieter now. He didn’t even bother asking, he simply stepped to the side and nudged Dean to follow him with his arm looped around his waist. Dean went willingly and blinked up at him with a dopey smile on his face._ _

__Cas managed to get Dean to sit in a small room off of the main house. It looked like a tiny greenhouse or a glassed in porch, he wasn’t sure. It was much quieter in here though and he gently deposited Dean into a chair that faced away from the door and towards the backyard. He hurried quickly into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. He nimbly stepped out of the path of a fairy that was wearing nothing but glittered wings and a pair of teeny, tiny shorts. The man was stumbling his way towards the kitchen and Cas hoped he was getting his own glass of water._ _

__Cas stopped short in the doorway of the room he’d left Dean in. Dean was looking silently out at the backyard, a dazed expression on his face. His halo was tilted haphazardly on his head and several of the feathers on his wings were bent out of shape. He felt a smile touch his face as he watched Dean study his reflection in the glass in front of him. Dean raised shaking fingers towards the glass and drug his index finger across his face’s reflection._ _

__He watched silently as Dean raised his hands and signed to himself slowly in the glass, as if trying to make sure his reflection could understand what he was saying. What’s wrong with you… He paused here and tilted his head back at himself, as if waiting for a response. _He doesn’t deserve this… Idiot.__ _

__Cas felt taken aback at that. Was Dean referring to him? What didn’t he deserve…? He thought back to Dean’s hand around his neck, his arm around his waist, warm smiles and doting eyes. Oh. He knew that Dean didn’t really have romantic feelings for him, but… Well, more the fool he for hoping for even a moment. But, it would seem that Dean had decided that Cas wasn’t worthy of his physical attentions after all. The thought of it stung, but he wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting._ _

__He pushed his disappointment to the side and stepped fully into the room._ _

__“Dean… Dean, I brought you some water.” Cas touched him gently on the shoulder and offered the glass to Dean’s shaking hands._ _

__Dean nodded simply and took a couple of sips from the glass. Cas was surprised that he didn’t spill it all over himself and he felt a rush of affection for the man. Cas reached forwards while Dean was sipping his water and straightened Dean’s halo. Dean looked upwards as if he could see what Cas was doing and Cas fought off a smile as Dean’s eyes crossed in his attempt to watch._ _

__“There, all fixed.” Cas said, though he wasn’t sure why. Dean took another couple of sips of his water, but now he was watching Cas with his drunken green eyes. “This costume looked very good on you, Dean.” Cas said with a smile._ _

__Dean looked thoughtful at that and Cas wondered what his brain was trying to put together, inebriated as it was. Cas watched with a half-smile as various thoughts and ideas came to Dean, each clearly written across his face. Finally, Dean seemed to steel himself and his focus intensified._ _

__”M not Angel.” Dean signed simply._ _

__Cas smiled at him fondly. “Of course you are, Dean. Look at your wings, look at your halo.” Cas gestured softly to each as he spoke._ _

__Dean turned glassy eyes towards his back and Cas had to shoot out a hand to grab his wrist to keep him steady. In looking backwards, Dean had also LEANED backwards and was continuing to lean that way. Cas steadied him and Dean patted his hand where it rested on his wrist. Cas released him warily and watched carefully for any possible tumbles. Dean managed to look at his wings without falling on the second attempt and then looked upwards, going cross-eyed again, as he looked up at his halo._ _

__He frowned at Cas in confusion and stared thoughtfully at Cas’s antenna and his striped tunic._ _

__”But, you’re Angel.” Dean signed with a frown._ _

__“I’m a bee actually. Though we both fly.” Cas said softly. It was taking a lot of self control not to reach out and touch Dean’s cheek tenderly. He wasn’t even sure where the impulse had come from but now that it was in his mind he couldn’t seem to rid himself of it._ _

__Dean’s frown deepened and he blinked slowly at Cas. Dean reached forward and Cas allowed him to snatch the antenna from his head. Cas was amazed they’d managed to stay on his head all night, what with drunken dancers and Dean batting at them like he was a cat, it was a miracle really._ _

__Dean tossed them behind his back and Cas watched them sail away and land with a soft thud on the tiled floor. He raised an eyebrow at Dean as he watched the other man wrestle the halo from his own head. He succeeded and smiled brightly at Cas before lifting it and setting it gently on top of Cas’s head. It wasn’t done very well, and Cas had to reach up to straighten it before it fell off._ _

__Dean looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, before he seemed satisfied with his drunken assessment and nodded once to himself. He reached forwards and patted Cas on both cheeks and Cas was almost overwhelmed with the sensation of those large calloused palms rubbing against the stubble on his jaw._ _

__”Now, you’re my Angel.” Dean signed to him with a smile._ _

__Cas felt moisture prick at the corners of his eyes and a blush crawl up his neck. This had not been even close to what he’d been expecting to happen tonight. And even if Dean was drunk right now, he seemed so sincere. Cas searched Dean’s eyes in question._ _

__Dean simply met his gaze with a gentle smile and his hazy green stare. Maybe… Maybe that hope he’d been feeling shouldn’t be extinguished just yet… Maybe…_ _

__With a sickening heave and a loud gurgle, Dean promptly leaned forward and vomited all over Cas’s lap and the floor below him. _Then again_ Cas thought with a sneer, _Maybe all that hope had effectively just been doused in vomit…__ _

__He rolled his eyes and stood stiffly. So much for that tender moment._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what y'all think! This is probably my favorite chapter I've written. Next update on Saturday!


	9. Lightbulb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short but cute!

”Be honest with me, Cas. Dean was signing slowly. His head felt like Athena herself was trying to crawl out of it. He had managed to find a pair of sunglasses floating around the room he had settled in and he’d slapped those on his face the minute his eyes had opened that morning.

Cas turned to look at him thoughtfully, as if he was really going to ask him some life altering question. Though… maybe he was.

”Last night…” Dean paused here, not quite sure how to continue. Cas looked apprehensive and Dean worried what all he had forgotten from last night. Bits and pieces were floating back to him in snatches of sounds and colors. His most recent memory was what was causing him such distress. ”Was I… Was I singing with my eyes closed last night?”

Cas’s expressions cleared for a moment before his confused-frown-head-tilt was back in place. “Well… You were SIGNING with your eyes closed and mouthing along to the words. So yes, I suppose.”

Fuck! Dean signed furiously. How embarrassing! Singing with his eyes closed. He felt like Hugh Grant in that movie right before those kids started making fun of him. Luckily, he felt so absolutely miserable at the moment from the grandaddy of all hangovers that there wasn’t any possible way this could make it worse. So hey, silver lining.

There was a slight smile on Cas’s face now and he leaned back into a more comfortable position. Cas was sitting on the edge of a bed that Dean had somehow found his way into last night. Dean was sans wings, halo and his overshirt. But he still had on his jeans and a tee. He apparently had had the wherewithal to take off his boots, which were sitting neatly beside the door of the bedroom he was in. _Cas must have put those there… I wouldn’t have lined them up that nice…_

Cas had wandered in about half an hour ago and had been running small errands for Dean the entire time. First, he’d gone to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Then he’d searched Charlie’s bathroom cabinets for aspirin. Then he’d quickly had to find a trash can for Dean, who almost vomited up his water and pills in his haste to get them in his stomach. Dean was immensely grateful for him. At the moment, Cas was helping to remind him of everything that had happened last night.

Dean huffed an agitated sigh. The more he remembered, the more embarrassed he felt. Cas looked completely unperturbed by his behavior and in fact, almost looked as if he’d enjoyed this recounting of events. Dean had made a real ass of himself. 

Cas had changed out of his bee costume at some point, which Dean was secretly sad about it. But! It was his good fortune that Cas had replaced the outfit with something much more… revealing. At some point in the night, Cas had changed out of his sweats and his tunic and had donned a pair of of women’s pajama bottoms with the Tri Force stamped on them and a sweater, also in a woman’s size, that said “I WISH THESE WERE BRAINS”. The outfit was completed by a pair of tall socks with large yellow stars on them. He’d obviously borrowed from Charlie and Dean could kiss her for finding possibly the tiniest pair of pants she could have to put Cas in. 

He hadn’t noticed at first, as hungover as he was. But, he’d quickly zeroed in on the miles of tanned and toned skin as Cas had walked to and from the doorway of the room. Thankfully, Dean was close to vomiting or he’d be drooling all over himself at the striking figure that Cas was cutting. Even now, Cas had a leg bent up against the bed and was shaking the foot of it up and down, up and down, and Dean was doing everything in his power not to stare at where Cas’s dick was also obviously bouncing up and down, up and down. God, Dean was a weak man.

Thankfully, the sunglasses were hiding his eyes at least a little. Other than looking a little chilly, Cas didn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that he was practically naked and in bed with Dean. Dean’s eyes travelled up to Cas’s and he watched the other man silently for a few moments. Cas was looking to the side, obviously deep in thought about something. His hair was in complete disarray and Dean had a sudden thought that he didn’t know where Cad had slept last night. Also, how had Dean managed to find a bed on his own? Also, why wasn’t Cas as sick as him? Also! How in the hell did he manage to hide those damn legs under pants all the time?! Those little fucking pajamas were even smaller than Cas’s underwear had been when they’d gone swimming and Dean was hopelessly floundering against the tidal wave of arousal that was trying to sweep through him. 

_Focus on the vomiting, focus on the vomiting…_ Dean tried to tell himself. He didn’t think he could handle a boner in his current situation and he was precariously close to one. In fact… he was halfway there already. Damn those little pants, damn that tight sweater, and damn those socks for good measure!

Dean snapped his fingers to Cas to get his attention. Cas turned his head politely and looked at Dean with his wide blue eyes. Dean felt himself go warm all over at the look on the other man’s face. It was open. Wide-wide open and honest and gentle and perfect. Jesus, what was he doing here with Dean?

”Where are your clothes?” Dean signed with a blush.

Cas looked down at himself and gave a half-shrug. “An inebriated angel decided to relieve me of them.” Cas said simply.

It took a minute for that statement to sink in. When it did, Dean felt a horror wash over him at the words. An inebriated angel… well, he was the drunk angel obviously. Decided to relieve me of them… did he… did he force Cas to take his clothes off? Oh, oh God. Oh nonono. Had he been aggressive in his advances? Oh no, he’d never done anything like that before… fuck. At the look of abject terror on his face Cas gave him a puzzled look.

“I had to change because you got sick on them.” Cas said slowly. He tilted his head to the other side, watching Dean’s reaction to that.

Oh fuck. Oh thank fuck. He’d just ralphed on him, oh geez! He hadn’t tried to force himself on Cas, oh Lucifer thank you! The relief must have been evident on his face because Cas cocked an eyebrow upwards at it.

“I’m not sure what I was expecting here, perhaps a little bit of mortification? I don’t know if I should be offended that you look almost pleased that you vomited all over my lap.” Cas said with deadpan delivery and Dean looked at him sheepishly. Cas’s eyes were crinkled in the corners though and Dean knew that he was teasing.

He still felt bad about the whole thing. He was usually better at handling his booze than that. He was going to blame his loss of self control on his ground shattering epiphany last night. He was desperately, madly, head-over-heels in love with this dark-haired barista in tight women's clothing. In fact, if Cas kept bouncing his foot against the bed, there was a good chance that his lower half would no longer be housed in women’s clothes, Dean wasn’t sure what outcome he was hoping for here. 

He cleared his throat a little bit and looked down at his hands helplessly. ”Sorry, man. I had way too much last night…”

Cas eyed him thoughtfully before rolling his eyes and smiling brightly at him. “You’re very correct, you had “way too much”” Cas did air quotes around the last part. “But, I will admit that it isn’t often one sees an intoxicated angel do the Macarena. Or the Electric Slide… or even a very strange hip thrusting maneuver to a song named “Pony.”

Dean face had gotten progressively brighter red as Cas had talked, much to the other man’s glee. “Really Dean, I had no idea you were such a gifted dancer! And in such heavy work boots too, definitely something you should write on your resume.”

Dean groaned and threw his hands over his face. If Cas wanted him to be mortified, then he’d succeeded. Pony was a particular weakness of his, one that he never fell prey to unless he was very, very, VERY drunk. _Fuckin’ shit, I literally can’t believe this right now. Cas saw me pull a Channing Tatum… probably on the living room coffee table… fuckin’ shit…_

Cas pat him lightly on a knee and smiled comfortingly. “It was almost graceful, truthfully. And if it makes you feel any better, Sam and Jo joined you after the first couple of verses. Charlie even threw a couple of dollar bills at you. Though she did prevent you from removing your pants about halfway through, much to everyone’s disappointment.”

Dean didn’t think he could get any redder, but this just went to show that once you put your mind to a task you can achieve almost anything. He grabbed the edge of the blanket that was pooled around his waist and pulled it resolutely over his head. He needed to go back to sleep and pretend none of this happened. Cas was the only person who was likely to remember and he didn’t seem too ashamed of Dean. God, he’d made an absolute ASS of himself. 

“Oh come now, Angel. It isn’t all bad, I happen to think you looked very endearing in those wings.” Cas’s voice came to him slightly muffled through the blanket.

Endearing, huh? He could work with endearing…

He pulled the blanket slowly over his head, but kept his sunglasses on. He knew his cheeks were still flaming and there wasn’t much to be done for that right now. Though he did need to give Cas a correction. ”I’m not the Angel here, remember? That’s you.”

Cas gave him a half-smirk at that statement and tilted his head upwards thoughtfully. “Yes, I suppose I do remember you saying something like that last night…”

_Oh, shitfuck, seriously? I need to just stop talking. Maybe I can pack a bag when I get home and run away to Disney, they always need seasonal workers. I could make a new name, a new identity! One where no one knows about the Pony thing… or about calling Cas angel last night…_ Dean sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. He needed a shower and to brush his teeth, and soonish.

Dean knew his hair was all over the place, he probably looked like a hedgehog right now. _How could this possibly get any worse?_

Just then, the sticky undulating beat of **Ginuwine’s “Pony”** came floating into the room, followed closely by a sleep rumpled, and still probably drunk, Sam and Jess. Both were still in their costumes from the previous night, obviously having slept in them, and both were gyrating their hips and pointing coyly at Dean. Jess was even managing a half-lidded come-hither look.

_Famous last words, Big D…_

Dean raised both middle fingers and directed them wildly around the room to no one in particular. _Fuck this day and fuck these people._ Cas’s ringing laughter hit his ears then like a soothing balm and Dean relaxed slightly. _Fuck this day and MOST of these people,_ he amended mentally. 

xxx

The weeks between Halloween and Thanksgiving passed quickly for Cas. He had made an excuse to not attend Thanksgiving dinner with Dean that year. Had assured him that he needed to spend time with his brother and his own family. Dean had given him a pointed look, almost as if he didn’t believe him, but he held his peace. Sam was going out of town that year to spend the holiday with Jess and her family and that left Dean, Charlie and Jo behind to entertain each other. They were all family anyway, so it wasn’t like they hadn’t spent the holiday together for years as it was.

Cas couldn’t say just why he didn’t want to be in involved with the celebrations. Something about the whole event being centered around “family” and “thankfulness” made him uncomfortable. He’d eaten another Pop-Tart in his apartment and pretended that he wasn’t re-reading chapters of BOOBS. Gabriel be damned.

After that came Christmas and the lead up to the holiday had Cas often open-mouthed and bewildered. The explosion of colors, lights, Santas, and the ever increasing chill in the air left him a little gobsmacked. He had attempted to take it in stride, if he acted too surprised by the things that were cropping up around him he was likely to give himself away. What kind of Midwestern-er didn’t know about Christmas after all?

He was able to learn from the conversations of his friends that they were all planning to buy gifts for one another and were putting a $30 dollar limit on said gifts. Cas had very little experience with this, but HAD managed to find something meager for Charlie’s birthday when they’d celebrated that. He’d even managed to scrape up something last minute for Sam when his birthday had rolled around a few months ago.

Sam was staying in town for Christmas, he and Jess had some system worked out between them about who’s family they’d stayed with and when. They were all planning a large celebration at the Singer-Harvelle household that year and Cas had been roped into going. They wouldn’t accept no for an answer, though he had tried half-heartedly. Secretly, he was glad they had seemed so insistent. Even as a demon the “Christmas spirit” was a little infectious. 

That Christmas spirit was probably why he now found himself with Charlie doing some last minute, like 2 days before Christmas, shopping. He’d managed to pick out gifts for everyone except for Dean and he was feeling a little desperate. Everything he looked at just wasn’t… right. He couldn’t even say what it was that he was looking for, but he was confident that he’d know it when he saw it. That confidence had waned in the week leading up the Christmas and now was basically nonexistent. He’d made a concerned plea to Charlie yesterday, and though he’d tried to come across as nonchalant when he’d asked she’d seen right through it. She had seemed shocked and concerned and had told them that they were definitely going to go shopping the next day. 

And that’s what found them here, the mall. That Hell on Earth that was so nightmarish 2 days before Christmas that he wanted to laugh at his naivete from earlier. He had thought it was bad THEN, that visit paled in comparison to the absolute fucking circus before him now. People were everywhere, all with matching looks of terror on their sweaty and ashen faces. Children were screaming, items were thrown from the shelves. The poor employees looked so bedraggled that Cas would have mistaken them for grotesque baroque paintings if not for the fact that they moved now and again. 

“What about this?” Charlie asked him with a raised eyebrow. She was holding up an olive green plaid overshirt for his inspection. They’d already gone through what felt like a hundred stores but what was in actuality probably only 6 and nothing had felt right. Cas was annoyed and exhausted and though he was loathe to admit defeat, it was looking like this was one challenge he wouldn’t best. 

Cas tilted his head right and then left, weighing the merits of the shirt, before finally shaking his head. Dean had plenty of those, that wasn’t going to cut it. Charlie huffed out a sigh and replaced the item on the rack. Why was this so hard? She’d received similar rejections from every item that she’d picked for Cas’s perusal. He felt guilty about dragging her here and then being unable to settle on a gift. She had seemed eager at first. She was always trying to get him and Dean alone together, or making strange comments about the way they looked at each other, or relating to them how “CUTE” they’d been on Halloween. But, even she was looking a little beaten down now, and for the relentlessly optimistic Charlie, even the possibility of a frown was a dire thing indeed.

Nothing they’d come across so far had felt… personal enough. Cas didn’t to admit that he wanted his gift to Dean to be special. The gifts for everyone else had actually fairly easy to acquire. But, he was very aware of the time he had remaining on Earth and he wanted to be sure to give Dean something that could maybe remind him of Cas once he’d left. Dean was special to him for some reason, he knew it from the quickening of his heart to the tightening in his chest. Wanting to get Dean something to remind him of Castiel was… It was sentimental and sappy and… human, it was so, so human of Cas to want to do this. He wished he felt disgusted with himself for it, but he couldn’t bring himself feel it. In his quieter moments he was starting to feel unease under his skin. He still only had the 10 souls he’d managed to contract. Hadn’t even made an attempt to get any more. He was going to be punished in Hell for this… but, he still had some time. Surely, he could collect more. He still had 4 months, that was PLENTY of time! Once they’d gotten past the holiday season he could refocus on his mission. There was just too much happening right now. He ignored the voice in the back of his mind that called him a liar.

He and Charlie walked back into the main area of the mall and Cas had to stop short to avoid colliding with a very harried looking woman who was carting a toddler in her wake. Cas felt his lip curl at her and did his best to brush it off. He was feeling harried himself and he still had to find a gift. He was running out of time. He was always running out of time…

They walked past a small unobtrusive store, with walls that opened out into the mall and glittering display cases set around the edges. Cas’s eye was drawn to the low light and the sparkling row of items to his right. He drifted towards the store almost without meaning too and it was a minute before Charlie realized he wasn’t standing next to her anymore. There were no true walls in this store, only the large display cases that bordered the edges and an island in the middle. 

Cas marveled at the way the light reflected across all manner of gemstones and silvers and golds inside. Each twinkling like it’s own star, plucked from the sky and set into the small glass case. The fingers of one hand ghosted over the surface of the glass and he was so entranced that he missed Charlie stepping up beside him.

“I think it’s a little early in the relationship for earrings, bub. Though…” Charlie tapped the case over a particularly large pair of peridot earrings. “Those would look amazing with his eyes.” She laughed here and patted Cas on the shoulder, as if inviting him in on her joke. She tossed her curls over a shoulder and looked at the cases with mild interest. Cas had noticed that she didn’t wear a lot of jewelry, which was probably just as well since her clothing was always eye-catching enough on it’s own.

Cas gave her a weak smile but went back to looking at the case. He hadn’t been thinking of Dean when he’d come over here, but perhaps this WOULD be a good place for a gift? Though nothing so garish as those earrings. Though… the color DID match Dean’s eyes. Did men wear earrings like this? Cas glanced up at a sales associate that was walking towards them, a large friendly smile on her face.

“What are we shopping for today? Something for your wife?” The woman asked of Cas with a glance towards Charlie. 

Charlie almost laughed at that, but managed to hold it together at Cas’s sharp look. Cas looked back at the woman and took note of her nametag. It read **HANNAH** in a fancy type and Cas squinted at it. With her blue eyes and brown bangs, she DID look a lot like his sister, or at least the mortal representation of his sister. His mental wandering was distracted by a sign on the wall behind her head. It read in an ornate swooping calligraphic hand: **_Ask an associate about our custom engraving options_**

“Lightbulb.” Cas said quietly and Charlie gave him an amused look. “Yes, I would like to ask about your custom engraving.” He said simply to Hannah.

She nodded to him politely and gestured towards another display case. They followed her over and she pointed to various items inside. She gestured with a neatly manicured hand to a few items in particular. There were different items in here, more plated metals and less gemstones. 

“We can of course do engraving on most of the rings we offer here, though recently a popular option has been these thin pendants.” She pointed to a number of them. “Minimalist jewelry is very in right now. On something like this” and here she tapped a nail over a thin strip of gold, “we could engrave a special date, initials, even names if they aren’t very long. If you’ve got an idea we would be happy to work with you on translating that onto the metal.” She smiled at him prettily again and clasped her hands in front of her, waiting.

Cas eyed over the case for a moment. Most of the pendants were a little small for what he was thinking, and he despaired slightly at his options. Perhaps this idea wasn’t a good one anyway… If he really thought about it, it was an intimate gesture. But after a time he spied it, tucked back into a corner. It was perfect! Circular, brushed silver and large enough that it could comfortably house the design he had in mind without cramping it. He turned a large smile towards the sales associate and pointed to the pendant with a certainty he felt in his bones. 

“This one, please. And the design I had in mind may be a BIT different than dates or initials. Would that be a problem?” He asked, his voice dropping slightly towards the end.

The woman’s smile faltered here just slightly. “How different…?” She asked slowly.

Cas smiled at her again and asked for a pen and paper. “I’ll draw it for you.”

xxx

Dean was absolutely and completely covered in wood dust. He was glad, though he would never admit it, that Bobby had come out here and insisted that he put on a mask and some goggles. He’d rolled his eyes as the other man tossed them at him but he dutifully put them on, mostly because Bobby had stood and stared at him until he had. 

He was putting the finishing touches on Cas’s gift and he was pretty happy with the result. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but neither was he and Cas seemed to like him well enough. He was a little ashamed that he hadn’t done a better job, but there was only 2 days to go until Christmas and he didn’t have time to nitpick now. He just hoped Cas didn’t hate it. Or make fun of him. Or throw it away. Now that he thought about it this was a stupid fucking idea. He should have just gotten that sweater and called it good.

He HAD bought the sweater, but it hadn’t felt like enough. He had spent a nice amount of money on it, sure. But it was still just a sweater. He frowned down at his handiwork in front of him. He was probably done with the detail work now, all that was left was to add some paint. He wiped a hand against his sweaty brow. He needed to shop-vac the place before he started that though, loose sawdust would only ruin the finish.

He bent to turn the thing on and got to work cleaning up his mess. He felt a trickle of sweat run down his spine and he grimaced at the sticky feeling of it. He hated sweating when it was cold out. Bobby’s shop had an ancient space heater in it that was nice when you were standing right next to it but the minute you moved out of its sphere of influence it was back to feeling like December. He liked the cold, but this was pushing it a little.

He thought fondly of his shower at home that was waiting for him once he’d wrapped up here. He’d closed on his house in November and it was still so surreal to him that he had his own home that he still forgot. HIS home. He’d bought a house! He’d been there about a month and it felt so new still that he had caught himself more than once pulling up in front of Sam’s house before he remembered that he didn’t live there anymore. 

They’d had a big house warming slash Thanksgiving party there and it had felt like Heaven on Earth. He’d had his family and friends with him in his very own house! He’d cooked a big Thanksgiving meal in his new kitchen with Ellen and Charlie, though he had had some trouble remembering where he’d placed dishes, while Jo and Bobby watched a football game a few feet away. It had been almost perfect. Jess and Sam couldn’t be there for Thanksgiving and Cas had missed out on the party, but they’d all been over afterwards at different times. Dean was still getting settled there and it felt like he was moving furniture at least once a week into a different configuration, because he never happy with the layout.

There was still a lot of space to fill. Dean didn’t have a lot of decorations and he had about as much furniture. But, it was his home and it was comfortable. Having Sam sprawled out in his only chair and Cas sitting on his couch, a throw across his lap and a cup of tea in his hands, made it feel like home without all the other fixings. The rest would come in time, he supposed.

The month had gone quickly with work at the garage and gift getting for everyone. They’d all agreed on keeping it cheap this year and Dean had kept too that. For the most part. He’d splurged on Cas’s sweater and the chess set he’d gotten Charlie may have been a little above his price point, but they didn’t need to know that.

He turned off the shop-vac and the loud hum of it immediately silenced. It felt so still in here now without all the noise that he paused to take it in. He removed the goggles and pulled the mask down his face until it hung around his neck. He was proud of the work he’d put in on Cas’s other gift, he technically hadn’t spent anything on this one, so he refused to feel bad about getting Cas another gift. The guy’s apartment was even more barren than his house was, he needed SOMETHING to hang on the walls. The girls had even confirmed that there was nothing on the walls around Halloween so Dean knew that Cas hadn’t decorated recently. Dean worried briefly if that meant Cas wasn't planning on sticking around… but maybe he just wasn't the sentimental type. Maybe he didn't need colorful paintings and pictures of loved ones. He was a pragmatic guy after all.

Dean patted an edge of the gift he was working on. He was excited to get Christmas over with. He loved the holiday, but the build up always made him feel anxious and this year wasn’t any different. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve and everyone was going to Sam and Jess’s for an early party. They would relocate to the Singer-Harvelle household for Christmas morning celebrations. The thought of Ellen’s honey roasted ham had his mouth watering and he had to shake his head to refocus on what he was doing. Right, painting. Did he go with white? Or black? Hm….

xxx

Cas had managed to get himself to Sam and Jess’s house without much hassle. He was freezing, obviously, but he’d layered two sweaters under a cardigan with his trench on top and that seemed to stave off the worst of it. He really needed to get a proper winter coat, but he found that every time he tried he got sentimental for the trench. So, here he was in multiple layers and looking like a grumpy marshmallow. Luckily, it was a pretty still evening and there wasn’t much wind to bite into his exposed skin. There was a fine layer of frost on the ground and he had to watch his footing so he didn’t slip. Charlie had offered to pick him up but he’d waved away her offer. As he’d walked though, the reasons for his refusal seemed to slip away and he couldn’t quite recall why he hadn’t just accepted. Perhaps some latent desire for independence. He’d been “ribbed” by his friends here more than once for not owning a car. 

They were doing some kind of dinner and mini celebration tonight, Christmas Eve, it was tradition apparently. And then tomorrow morning they were all headed to Bobby and Ellen’s for Christmas Day. Cas was nervous about the gifts he’d managed to get for everyone and he worried they wouldn’t be well received. He’d never participated in anything as grand as a Christmas gift exchange and worried his ineptitude would show. 

He’d picked up Dean’s gift that afternoon and he was the most anxious about giving that one. In fact, he’d picked up a separate gift, a scarf in the shape of a squirrel’s tail, just so he could give Dean something in front of everyone else. He was a little self-conscious to be giving Dean something as personal as the pendant he’d had made and figured giving it privately might be wiser. The scarf had been a fortuitous find, Dean seemed rather taken with Cas’s giraffe sweater and the squirrel scarf seemed like the next best thing. Charlie had politely not commented on the dollar amount for Dean’s gift, since it was well above the agreed upon $30 and he was glad for it. He’d felt embarrassed that so many people had seen the design for the pendant but there wasn’t anything for it. After Dean, Charlie was Cas’s best friend here and so he supposed that it was alright that she knew. She’d never made fun of him before, well, not in a mean way anyway.

He’d been greeted warmly when he’d arrived at the house and had been given hugs all around. Bobby gave him a gruff clap on the back and Dean surprised him with a hug of his own. Cas wondered briefly if this was the first greeting hug he’d ever received from the man and then promptly forgot his train of thought as a glass of eggnog was handed to him.

The liquid inside the glass sloshed against the edges slowly and he squinted at it in distrust. He sniffed it suspiciously and wrinkled his nose at the smell. He was already wary of something called egg...nog… and even more so when the smell associated with it was so pungent and the fluid so… viscous. He smiled hesitantly at Jo who’d handed him the drink and thanked her with a nod. He didn’t drink any of it but she didn’t seem to mind. She had already turned away with a flip of her ponytail to talk to her mother, Ellen.

He wasn’t sure what the etiquette was for a Christmas Eve party, it was a much, MUCH, more subdued affair than the Halloween party he’d been too and he was thankful for that. Everything here was quieter, warmer even, without the sticky beat of music and the glitter and sweat covered party-goers. Though, he did have some fond memories of that particular party. Dean with hedgehog morning hair for example…

“Come sit, Cas! We’re watching Elf!” Jess called out to him from the living room.

Obediently, Cas followed the sound of her voice and settled himself in the corner of the couch. He worried briefly that there wasn’t going to be enough room for everyone and decided he’d offer his seat if it looked like anyone was going to be forced to stand. Though he’d been here frequently, he still wasn’t a member of this family and it felt wrong to take a seat from one of them. His attention was drawn to the television as a man in a green tunic and pointed hat was attacked by a raccoon. He should have known better than to try to hug a wild animal! Even Cas had known that. He smiled smugly to himself, he was much better at being human than this elf man.

The evening was spent with laughter and a warmth in the air that was foreign to him. He was familiar with good cheer and the comfort that comes with being around your friends but… something was different now. Something about the light-hearted family movies, the twinkling lights, the cold weather, or even in the people themselves was just… different. He felt happy, happier than he’d ever felt. He was warm and he was welcome and surrounded by people that he liked. He was going to miss this when… No, now wasn’t the time for that.

Cas did eventually take a sip of his eggnog after much goading from Jo and was satisfied that his original assessment had been accurate. It was foul. He’d turned up his nose at it and had it promptly snatched away by Dean, who chugged the whole glass down and smiled broadly at Cas afterward. Cas wrinkled his nose in revulsion and Dean huffed his strange laugh and gave Cas a couple of pats on his shoulder. And if Dean’s hand stayed for a little longer on Cas’s shoulder after he’d patted it a few times, neither of them said anything about it. 

They made it through “Elf” and then another movie called, “The Santa Clause” before Cas started to feel exhaustion steel over him. He felt warm and safe here and there was something about the murmur of voices and the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree that were soothing to a nervousness that hadn’t even been aware of. He felt himself relax into the couch cushion that he’d never vacated and let a yawn come over him.

Cas felt his eyelids growing heavy after that and started to nod off on the couch despite the noise in the room. Jo and Charlie were curled up together a few feet away in one of the chairs, both completely absorbed with watching a movie about a deer creature with an unfortunate abscess on his nose. Charlie’s hand was tucked against Jo’s lower back and was rubbing circles into it with her thumb. Cas wasn’t able to pay any attention to the movie, though he did try.. Sam, Bobby and Ellen were having a rather heated discussion about what food they were having tomorrow and Dean and Jess were having a silent conversation next to a large Christmas tree that was in the corner of the room.

Cas couldn’t see Dean’s hands but he could make out something Jess was saying every few gestures. It looked like they were discussing gifts for tomorrow. Dean was turning the occasional glance towards him but Cas figured it was because he was falling asleep on the couch. He shrugged to himself, unconcerned. He was safe here, he didn’t need to worry about keeping his guard up. 

Dean had come by earlier in the evening and draped a large, fluffy throw across him and Cas fisted his hands in the material and brought it closer to his face. It was large and plush and he felt himself being swallowed by it. It was a good feeling. The fabric was a light brown and it reminded Cas of the hair at the base of Dean’s head. The idea of wrapping himself in it was funny and comforting to him and he wriggled lowed in his seat to get comfortable. He dozed off quickly after that.

Some time later he was jostled awake by a gentle hand on his shoulder and he blinked owlishly up at a face that was swimming into view. It was much darker in here than it was before, much, much darker. The television was turned off and there were no lights on in the kitchen. In fact, the only illumination came from the twinkling lights from the Christmas tree in the corner. It lent a warm fuzzy feeling around everything in the room and Cas thought that it looked rather romantic. 

Dean was standing over him and he had a pair of sweats and a pillow in his hand. He gave Cas a small smile, his eyes crinkling just so in the corners. He set the items down on the coffee table before signing. ”Hey sleepy head. It’s late, I brought you a pillow if you’re gonna crash here.”

Cas rubbed a fist against one eye. Crash here? He looked around the room again. Oh no! He’d missed the party! Was that considered rude? He hadn’t thanked Sam and Jess for having him or even said goodbye to anyone. He’d been a terrible guest! He was even laying down on the couch now, he’d taken up so much room! He glanced up at Dean with an apology on his lips but the other man didn’t seem perturbed in the least and had actually changed into sweats and a tee shirt himself. 

At the look on Cas’s face Dean’s smile widened. ”It’s no big man. It’s too late for you to be heading home anyway. Besides, it’s Christmas Eve, you should be with family.”

Cas was startled by that statement. Family? “My family’s… not anywhere near here…” He said in a hushed voice. He hated to disturb the stillness of the air around them.

Dean rolled his eyes at him before reaching down to grab the pillow and tossing it at his face. Cas didn’t have the wherewithal to smack it out of the way and so it landed fully against his head and he spluttered slightly as he pushed it away from his mouth. When he had reemerged Dean had squatted down next to the couch so he was closer to eye-level with him. Cas was startled to see just HOW close he was to him. His breath caught in his throat and his eyes widened incrementally.

The twinkling of the lights in the corners were touching Dean’s face like gentle kisses and Cas was mesmerized at the patterning it was placing on his cheeks. Dean’s eyes were dark in this light, but seemed to hold a glow of their own when a particular green light blinked on from the tree. _Oh…_ He thought dumbly. _He’s beautiful._

Dean’s smile softened and Cas had the insane urge to reach out and trace the line of it with a finger. ”You’re with family here, nerd.” Dean signed to him. ”Sorry to say you’re stuck with us.”

Oh. Oh? He was with his family? Was Dean calling him his family? He felt a spasm in his chest that felt like… it felt like home. It felt like he was home here. He offered his own small smile to Dean and gave him a few small nods. He understood what Dean was saying and the weight of it was rendering him speechless. Home. He was home here with Dean and with his family.

Dean reached out a hand slowly and rubbed his thumb against Cas’s chin gently. The rest of his fingers curled loosely against his jaw and Cas’s breath hitched at the sensation. He felt his eyes close at the heat coming from the other man and he managed to open his eyes to look at Dean in confusion. This felt significant… almost as if Dean were… almost as if Dean were going to kiss him?

Dean swiped twice across Cas’s chin with a thoughtful look. Cas paid attention to the feeling of the callouses on his thumb and how they felt as they pulled against the stubble on his face. The Christmas lights on Sam and Jess’s tree were painting Dean’s features in a warm glow and Cas was entranced with the way that one green bulb was highlighting the brilliancy of Dean’s eyes. A small sigh escaped Cas as he watched the colors play across Dean’s skin. Dean seemed to come back to himself after that though and he pulled back. Cas wanted to chase after the sensation of the man’s hands but held himself back. His skin already felt more chilled without the feeling of the other man’s warmth on him. 

Dean’s lips tightened into a rough smile and he clenched his hands into fists where they rested against the edge of the couch. ”Get some sleep, Angel. Santa won’t come if you’re awake.” He gave Cas a wink and patted the pair of sweats on the coffee table behind him to remind Cas they were there. He then padded silently out of the room and towards the bedroom that used to be his.

Cas managed to rearrange the pillow Dean had thrown at him and lay his head down on it with a large exhaled puff of air. He was home with his family. Dean’s thumb had felt like fire racing along his skin and he shivered at the ghost of it’s memory. He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, replaying that interaction in his head over and over and over again. The feeling of Dean’s rough thumb swiping gently against the skin of his chin and the thoughtful look he’d had on his face. The warmth emanating from the man was almost overwhelming and he could feel traces of that heat on his skin still. He raised two fingers to touch the bottom of his chin and dragged them slowly down across his throat. 

He was home. He was with family. This was his home, here with these people. Here with Dean… He was going back to Hell in a few months. He covered his eyes with his hands and held back the groan that threatened to rip out of him. How could he leave now? He couldn’t imagine not spending another Christmas with these people. With his family. With Dean.

He had an idle thought then, of the 10 souls he’d contracted. They had ten years here, 10 years to live with their choices, live with the deals they’d made, and then… no more Christmases for them either. Cas shuddered at the thought. Worse than that… Eternal torment for all of eternity. He hadn’t thought much of that before but now… What had he done? Did they deserve that? The stripper, the father… Did they… He let out a harsh breath. What had he done? 

A sudden terror seized him then. It filled his chest like a poisonous cloud. What had he done! It didn’t feel right anymore. He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes and he lifted his hands and pressed the heels into the sockets. His mission didn’t feel right anymore. Why was he doing this? How had he thought that he could do this?

He didn’t feel right anymore.

He wondered then, a little absurdly, if Santa brought gifts for demons, whether they were awake or not. _Doubtful… if anyone’s on the naughty list it’s soul stealing demons…_

Cas threw his hands down to his sides and looked blankly up at the ceiling above him. He’d staved off the tears, though he wasn’t sure if that was better than this or not. His chest felt tight, not in a good way, and his head hurt. He had some decisions to make soon and he was doing his level best to ignore them. He had a few months… Four months to make these decisions. He couldn’t help but feel like a tiny ship lost out at sea now. He’d lost his anchor and his north star was hidden behind a cloudy sky. Cas tossed and turned for the rest of the night until he fell back to sleep just a few hours before dawn, sick with worry and heart heavy with doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't SUPER happy with how this one turned out but I wasn't sure what to do to fix it. We've only got a handful of chapters left guys! I can't believe it! As always, let me know what ya think!


	10. Santa's Little Helper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter and basically ALL fluff!

Dean woke on Christmas morning bright and early. He may be an adult now but he would always be a kid at heart. And even during the years when it was just him and Sammy celebrating by themselves while their dad was passed out drunk on the couch, well, it had always been a special time to him. He didn’t really remember spending any holidays with his mom but he would always treasure the memories of celebrating with Sammy. 

When Sam was younger Dean had always managed to scrape together enough cash for rattles or toys or other baby nonsense. Then, after Sam had grown out diapers and of calling him “Bean!” they’d given each other knicknacks wrapped poorly in newspaper or from the pages of Bibles from the motels they stayed in. There’d been army men and broken crayons with coloring books that were already half finished, hats and scarves from church donation boxes, a Swiss army knife that Dean had managed to steal from a store they’d passed through, anything and everything they could get their hands on. It hadn’t been about the gifts though, not really. It had been about being together, surviving another year with their alcoholic father and their transient lifestyle. Even when Sam was angry about the cards they’d been dealt in life, he always put on a smile for Dean on Christmas, because he knew how important it was for Dean to have at least ONE good holiday a year. They’d had a rough go of it, Dean was willing to admit to that at least. But, they’d had each other and they’d managed to come out the other side with each other and with the family they’d built along the way.

He stretched languidly in the bed that was still familiar to him. He probably should have offered it to Cas last night, but the poor guy had seemed so peaceful and so content on the couch that Dean hadn’t had the heart to try and move him. He knew that it was his imagination, but he could swear that he could still feel the cool wisps of Cas’s skin and the gentle rub of his scruff against his thumb. He had lost himself in that moment, with the Christmas lights shining off of Cas’s skin like jewels and making his eyes glow like sapphires. He’d never seen anything so beautiful, and so against his will, his hand had reached out. He had wanted to cup Cas’s cheek in his palm, but he had reigned himself in before he got there and had settled for a few swipes across Cas’s chin. 

It had taken everything in him not to lean forward, it wasn’t even that far, and take those pink chapped lips against his own. He couldn’t remember ever wanting anything more in fact. But, Cas had looked confused and Dean hadn’t missed the frown between his brows. The guy had just woken up, he was probably still half asleep when Dean had tossed that pillow at his face. He wouldn’t take him unawares like that, it wasn’t fair.

But Heaven help him, he wanted too.

It was still pretty early, but he figured everyone would start rousing themselves soon. Best to get coffee started. Jo and Charlie had left after their 4th Christmas movie and he had simply raised an eyebrow at Charlie offering to drive her home. He wondered if and when they’d spill the beans, they weren’t being especially subtle after all. 

He walked out towards the living room on silent feet. He hadn’t put socks on and the he enjoyed the cool sting of the floor against his bare toes. He was probably the most comfortable in his skin in the fall, but inside on a winter morning, now that felt pretty amazing too. He wondered if it had snowed last night, it was a little cliche, but he liked white Christmas’s. They hadn’t really had one in a few years and he blamed it on all the global storming that was going on. 

He made his way silently into the kitchen and did his best not to look over at the dark head of hair that was sticking out over the arm of the couch. He made coffee as quietly as possible and knew that the smell would soon rouse Cas off the couch and would likely wake Sam and Jess as well. Dean sipped his cup, after adding cream, and waited.

Sure enough, not 5 minutes after the pot had finished percolating, there was some rustling from the couch. Dean smiled into his cup as Cas’s head poked up from where he was resting, eyes squinting in the dim morning light and frown firmly in place. How was it even possible for one person to look so fucking cute? He figured that shit was reserved for baby pandas and kids dressed in superhero costumes, but no. Cas was cuter than all of them combined.

Cas rose on unsteady feet and made his way into the kitchen. He tried to stifle a yawn and ran a hand through his hair when he was unsuccessful. Dean had already poured him a coffee and even prepared it the way Cas liked and he nudged it towards Cas’s sweatered fingers. Dean wasn’t sure how Cas had managed to sleep in two sweaters and with a blanket on top of him but he looked about as comfortable as a person could. 

Cas closed heavy lids and inhaled deeply of the cup in front of him. He looked exhausted and Dean felt a twinge of concern in his chest. He wondered if Cas managed to get any sleep last night? Had he freaked him out with the chin thing? Shit. That was probably it, stupid stupid, Dean.

”Merry Christmas, Cas.” Dean signed to him shyly once Cas opened his eyes again.

Cas set his cup down on the counter and with a crooked half-smile he signed back. ”Merry Christmas, Dean. Did I miss Santa?”

Dean huffed a laugh at him and looked towards the tree. There weren’t any more presents there then there was yesterday and Dean shook his head at him. ”You must have been awake, it looks like he skipped us. Way to go, man!” Dean wagged a finger at him reprovingly.

Cas managed a weak laugh and sipped his coffee again. “I assure you I slept, though why you’d want a rotund bearded man sneaking into your house at night is beyond me. Unless… well, far be it from me to kink shame anyone.” Charlie had explained kinks to him the other day at work and Cas had been pondering the very idea of them ever since.

Dean almost choked on his coffee and spit it out back into his cup. He turned horrified eyes to Cas and almost groaned at the mischief he saw there. He recovered quickly. ”Charlie’s been a bad influence on you. And baby, my kinks are much, much sexier than that.” Dean signed the last and then gave Cas an exaggerated wink. 

It was Cas’s turn to choke on his coffee and Dean huffed a laugh at him. _Two can play that game, smartass._ Dean thought with a smile. They sipped their coffee together in companionable silence after that and waited for the owners of the house to rise. Dean needed to go home to get his gifts and he assumed Cas did as well. The guy obviously hadn’t meant to fall asleep here last night, though Dean was glad that he had. He liked seeing Cas early in the morning, he liked it even better when Cas was sleep rumpled and his hair was everywhere.

Eventually, Sam and Jess emerged from their hole and stumbled their way into the kitchen in search of caffeine. Dean smiled at them fondly, this was the perfect way to start Christmas morning. With his sleepy and bleary eyed family. His felt his heart warm at the looks on their faces, each in varying stages of wakefulness. His family. His home. 

xxx

To say that Cas was startled would be an understatement. He wasn’t sure what to expect from this holiday but the fervor that was surrounding his… family, was staggering. Dean had driven him first to his place to get cleaned up and Cas had politely NOT shaken any of the gifts sitting on Dean’s kitchen counter, and in fact even helped him carry them to the car. Next they went to Cas’s apartment so he could get cleaned up and he doubted Dean had been polite enough not to shake any of his gifts. Dean had the look to him, the shaking gift look. 

They’d then driven over to Bobby and Ellen’s and from there everything was a blur. They’d been swept inside by a rosy cheeked Ellen and an overeager Jo. The gifts had been deposited under the crooked Christmas tree and they’d been forced into seats at the kitchen table, that was much too small to hold all them, and plied with pancakes. Cas had a combination of banana and blueberry pancakes with frosted sugar liberally applied on top and he looked around bewildered at everyone else. They all had similar looking sugared monstrosities on their plates and were digging in as if this was normal. It must be a Christmas tradition for them, surely. So, Cas followed suit and ate his way through enough pancakes to satiate a small elephant.

Next came an apparently traditional singing of a Christmas carol. They had argued about what song they were going to sing, and Jo had complained loudly that they needed to hurry up because her presents were waiting. They settled on, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.” Cas didn’t know any of the words, or even the tune and stared around him in horror. He was resolutely ignored by everyone else though and they carried on jubilantly. They were all scattered around the living room and singing loudly, even the normally silent Bobby added his own deep voice to the mix. What in the fresh Hell had he gotten himself into with these people?

After they were finished everyone arranged themselves around the room and started squabbling over who would be… Santa’s Little Helper. Cas’s confusion only mounted, what in the HELL was Santa’s Little Helper? Against his will, and even without his knowledge, it had been agreed that it would be Cas that would take up the designation that year. Since he was the newest member of the family it was only fair apparently. The task usually fell to the youngest member of the family, and Jo was MORE than happy to let someone else take her place for once.

Ellen produced a pair of cartoonish antlers, with bells on the tips, on a headband and shoved them on Cas’s head. It was apparently the “uniform” for this job. _What in the literal fuck is happening…_ Cas thought in confusion.

Dean finally took pity on him and huffed a laugh good-naturedly. ”It’s just a family joke, man. Santa’s Little Helper was a dog on the Simpsons. It just means you gotta pass out the presents under the tree to who they belong to.” Dean smiled at him warmly and Cas felt a blush dance across his cheeks. Oh… he could do that.

He picked his way carefully towards the crooked Christmas tree, his antlers jingling as he walked. Jess and Sam were whispering to one another and giggling under their hands. Cas hoped it wasn’t at his expense… Jo gave him a hurry up motion and he frowned at her before she cracked a smile. Were all Christmas’s like this?

He bent to retrieve the first gift, a poorly wrapped green package and did his best to read the tag on the top. “Uh… Ellen.” Cas said and handed it towards her. She took it with a wink and Cas bent to retrieve the next package. It continued on in this fashion until he’d managed to distribute every package that had been placed under the tree. He felt tired already, who knew passing out gifts would could wear a person out so quickly!

They waited for Cas to retake his seat before tearing into the gifts. There seemed no rhyme or reason to the order of gifts that were opened or by whom. He watched, startled, as Jo ripped wrapping paper off of hers with a savagery he didn’t know she was capable of. Charlie had an equal level of enthusiasm and the glee in her eyes was apparent. Everyone else was a little more sedate, but they still tore the paper and tossed it to the side as they went. Cas wanted to savor the feeling… he wasn’t going to get to do this again. He pushed the thought away, now wasn’t the time for melancholy.

He was surprised at the pile of presents that were sitting next to him when he grabbed the first one. He had figured that Charlie would probably give him something but… it looked like everyone here had gotten something for him, he suspected the gifts that were labeled, “From: Santa” were really from Bobby and Ellen. Something perhaps left over from the childhood of the people around him. He was warmed to feel included in the group.

The first gift was from Jess and Sam and he was delighted to find wool mittens and a matching hat inside the box. They were a dark blue with white and silver snowflakes patterned across them and he ran his fingers over the fabric. The lining was silky and the wool felt warm where it sat on his lap. This was the first gift he’d ever been given. He felt moisture prick at the corners of his eyes and he shook his head slightly to clear it. He was being overly sentimental.

He placed the items delicately next to him on the couch, patting them as he did so. These were treasures and he was lucky to have received them. Next was a gift from Santa and Cas smiled at it. Inside this gift was two empty picture frames, made from a sturdy old wood and hand-stained, probably by Bobby. He knew that his apartment was fairly stark, he’d been teased about it more than once, and it looked like Bobby and Ellen had heard. He didn’t have any pictures to place in the frames yet, but the sentiment was endearing. He placed the frames gently next to his mittens and hat.

Next was a gift from Charlie. He peeled away the silvery wrapping paper with careful fingers and folded it delicately into quarters and placed it next to his gifts. Everything was worth saving from his first Christmas and he gave a small smile to the book inside the paper. The title read boldly: **_”The Philosophy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer._** He remembered his first real interaction with this group and how they’d watched that musical episode of the ridiculous program. It seemed that Charlie remembered as well. He felt his heart swell and he ran his fingers across the cover fondly. 

Next was another gift from Santa, this one was a large package of homemade cookies, shaped like fat little Santa’s and reindeer. There was a plate of these on the kitchen table and he smiled at the sloppy icing on the edges of a Santa. He knew for a fact that these were delicious and he was excited he would get to munch on them the next few days.

He had two gifts left. He picked up the one from Jo and resisted the urge to shake it. Whatever was inside the box shifted clunkily from side to side as he had picked it up. He was wary about this gift, he knew Jo loved practical jokes and it wasn’t above her to give something in jest. He peeled away the paper and peeked into the box hesitantly. He shouldn’t have been worried though, there was only a coffee mug inside. He picked it up curiously and turned it around in his hands. It was blank on one side, but the other had an arched rainbow with a curly font underneath it that read, “I can’t even think straight.” He smiled at it, he had become partial to rainbows since he’d been here. He’d been so used to seeing reds, oranges and about every shade of black you could imagine, that it was nice to see something that comprised SO MANY COLORS. He wasn’t sure about the phrase, perhaps it was because his brain was often muddled in the mornings? He didn’t know.

He nestled the cup between his mittens and hat, careful not to clink the ceramic against his picture frames. He picked up his last gift with nervous fingers. The tag read: “TO: Cas FROM: Dean” in Dean’s untidy scrawl and he smiled at it warmly. A gift from Dean. What a novel idea, he’d never been given one from the other man before. He almost didn’t want to open it, but it looked like everyone else was wrapping up with their gifts now and he didn’t want everyone staring at him because he’d taken too long. He peeled the paper off quickly and again quartered it and set it aside. It was just newspaper, taken from last weeks paper, but it was special now just the same.

He opened the lid on the box and felt a heat pool in his belly. There was a half zip sweater inside the box. It was a heather green, light and freckled with the blend of fibers inside it. It actually looked an awful like lot Dean’s eyes and Cas felt a little choked at the thought. He ran gentle hands over it and reveled in the feeling of it. It was soft, luxuriously so, but a heavy knit and he knew it would be warm. This was so thoughtful… He sensed eyes on him then and turned to his right.

Dean was next to him on the couch and was looking at him sheepishly. Cas searched his face for a moment before a large gummy smile spread over his face. He could feel his eyes crinkling in the corners and Dean’s answering smile was just a bright. Dean lifted his squirrel scarf from where it lay in his lap and used it to sign ”Thank you” at Cas. Cas blushed, but his smile didn’t dissipate. He returned the sign and Dean nodded to him warmly. They both loved their gifts, that was apparent.

There was a loud gasping noise from the other couch and Cas looked up sharply at it. Jess was smiling, humor in her eyes, while Sam was gaping down at a slip of paper in his hands. He turned wide eyes to his wife and then back down at the paper. 

“You… you got us a puppy!?” Sam asked finally and the excitement in the room grew by about 10 notches.

Jess laughed prettily at him and patted his arm. “Not yet, hon. Look here,” and she pointed a something the paper in Sam’s hands, “good for one puppy of your choice from the local shelter. We’ve gotta go pick one out!”

Sam threw the paper in the air in his haste to wrap his arms around his wife. He was peppering her face with kisses and everyone in the room laughed loudly at their antics. _A puppy, hm? That should be interesting…_ Cas hadn’t spent any time around animals since he’d been on Earth and he wondered how they’d react around him. He suddenly felt nervous for the change in the dynamic of their group. It was pretty well known that children and animals could sense evil… and a puppy was a child version of an animal… did that make it doubly sensitive? What if the dog didn’t like him? Would the others sense that he didn’t belong then?

He was broken from his reverie by Dean boldly wrapping his new scarf around his neck and standing from the couch. He wandered his way into the kitchen to grab a cookie and a garbage bag. His eyes were still crinkled in the corners and he was still huffing his laughter as he went about picking up the leavings of the wrapping paper massacre. 

Cas settled himself more comfortably on the couch. He kept his gifts next to him, except for the one from Dean, which he kept on his lap. He wanted to savor this moment. Really sear it into his memory. He looked at Sam and Jess kissing sweetly on the couch, Jo and Charlie poking one another with a gift one of the had gotten, Bobby and Ellen whispering to one another while they shared a large armchair, the smell of the pancakes that still hung heavy in the air, the crooked Christmas tree with the handmade star on top, Dean milling about with his huffing laughter as he picked up their mess. This was perfection. If he had ever been worthy of a Heaven, this was it. He memorized the feeling of the couch under him, the warmth in the air, the giggles and laughter of the people… of his family, around him. If this was to be his only Christmas on Earth, it had been a good one.

He smiled at Dean as the man walked by him and Dean gave him a wink in return. Oh yes, it had been a good one. He turned his smile down towards his sweater in his lap and sighed happily.

xxx

Dean had ripped the paper off of his gifts with gusto. He made a large show of it, mostly because he didn’t want anyone to notice that he was really watching everyone else for their reactions to the gifts that he’d gotten them. They had all looked pleased in turn and he almost breathed a sigh of relief. He had gotten cookies and books and other silly knick knacks from the others. He treasured all the gifts and his eyes had danced merrily across each new item as he’d opened it. He had saved Cas’s for last, though he wasn’t sure why. Maybe because Cas was the wild card, who knew what kind of weird shit he was going to come up with for him.

He’d been right too. The scarf that Cas had gotten him had been absolutely ridiculous. He’d huffed quietly at it as he’d lifted it from the box. One end had a wide-eyed squirrel, an acorn clutched in it’s knitted hands, and the length of the scarf was made up of it’s tail. Where had he even found this thing? He glanced to his left and saw Cas running his fingers gently over the sweater Dean had gotten him. He looked completely taken with it and Dean felt a warmth in his chest at the sight. He’d done a good job with the sweater, hopefully he hadn’t overstepped the boundaries with the other gift. But, he’d find that out later.

Cas turned to look at him and they studied one another for a moment before Cas’s face absolutely lit up and the excitement of it was infectious. They smiled at one another dopily for probably much longer than was appropriate before their attention was drawn by Sam gasping loudly.

Dean grinned widely at his brother and his sister-in-law. Sam had wanted a dog since he was 8 years old. The timing had never been right though for it. Their dad absolutely forbade it, and they couldn’t have kept one with as much moving as they did. And then there was school to contend with and then this and then that. It had always fallen by the wayside and Sam had seemed resolved to it but it looks like Jess had stepped up. Now that Dean wasn’t there anymore they had the extra room and didn’t have to worry about his allergies. Dean would just have to make sure to start taking a Zyrtec daily. He was excited for his brother.

He glanced around at the smiling faces and felt the warmth and happiness in the air. His family was all around him, every person he loved in the entire world under one roof. He looked back over at Sam, a wide smile on both their faces. How did they get here? How did they start from living in crappy motels with an alcoholic father to this? 

_Look at us, Sammy. We made it out. Even if we had to contend with that mean old bastard, half-starved our whole lives, we came out the other side. We made it._ Dean felt tears building behind his eyes and he decided he needed to get up and start moving. He wrapped his squirrel scarf around his neck on a whim and stood to go get trash bags to start tidying up this mess. He knew Ellen wouldn’t be able to stand it for long, better to head it off at the pass.

Cas smiled at him as he walked by and boldly he sent the guy a wink. He was feeling good today, a little flirty even, and he enjoyed the pink that swept of Cas’s cheeks. _I still got it._ He thought cockily. They spent the rest of the morning lounging around and playing with their gifts. They’d all had a massive hugging and thank-you moment after Dean had cleared the living room of debris. Even poor shell-shocked Cas had seemed genuine while he hugged each of them in turn. Now wasn’t that some kind of development! Cas normally treated physical affection like it was some kind of alien behavior, Dean was proud of him.

Dean rose around lunchtime to help Ellen prepare food. They usually did a casual Christmas lunch here and then would head home in the evenings for an early bed. They were all too old now to be staying up too late after getting up so early in the morning. Dean had a plan for that evening and he was going to be careful about orchestrating it.

Lunch was a relaxed affair. It was little later in the afternoon since they were all so stuffed from breakfast that they couldn’t even imagine eating before 3pm. They hadn’t ever stood for pomp and circumstance here and so they all ate lunch in their sweats and their pajamas, talking and laughing loudly. They’d managed to cram themselves around the old table in the dining room and Dean couldn’t remember having a better time. They’d always had a great time before, obviously, but having Cas here just felt… right. Like he’d been the missing piece to their family and now that he was there the puzzle was complete. It was a romantic thought but it FELT right. 

They meandered around the house after lunch until Sam and Jess announced around 6 that they were heading home. Both were yawning, but it seemed a little forced and Dean suspected that they were going home to celebrate a little more privately. Good for them.

Dean figured now was as good a time as any. He tapped Cas’s shoulder to get his attention and Cas turned from where he was inspecting a piece of Charlie’s new chess set.

”Hey, I’m gonna head home pretty soon… Do you wanna ride home?” He felt nervous all of a sudden and he did his best to keep his hands from shaking slightly.

Cas seemed to consider the request for a moment before nodding eagerly. “Yes, that would excellent, thank you Dean!”

Dean almost exhaled a sigh of relief. Step one, check! Now to the tougher part. ”Let’s go ahead and say bye to everyone and get packed up, I’m pretty wiped.”

Again, Cas nodded eagerly. “Of course.” 

He and Cas then made the rounds of the room. They said goodbyes and thank yous and teased and laughed some more. Ellen plied them with leftovers which they took with smiles. Dean helped Cas to bag up his gifts and they walked out to the Impala in silence. Ok, now to do some careful maneuvering.

Once they’d deposited the gifts into the backseat, Dean leaned over turned the key into the ignition to start it. The car roared to life and Dean turned the heater all the way up. Cas was just about to slip into the passenger side seat when Dean halted him with a hand. Cas looked at him questioningly and Dean felt those nerves creep over him again.

”We gotta let it warm up a minute. I uh..” He hands faltered here minutely and he frowned at himself. _Come on, Winchester, man the fuck up._

”I actually have something to show you, if you don’t mind being out in the cold for another minute?” Ok, there, it was out. Now he played the waiting game.

Cas tilted his head in confusion, his brows furrowing slightly. “Of course, Dean.” He finally answered while straightening up. “Where are we going?”

Dean sighed a little at that. Ok, step two, check! Dean jerked his head towards Bobby’s shop that was across the driveway. Cas fell into step beside him as he walked and dammit why was he so nervous! He stuffed his hands into his coat pockets so that Cas wouldn’t notice them shaking. _This isn’t even a big deal. It isn’t like you’re proposing, relax, relax, relax._

He shouldered open the wooden door and flicked on a light near the entrance. He may have hung some lights for ambience, MAYBE. But, it had been too dark in here, he reasoned. The mood needed to be right for Christmas gifts! Colorful, twinkling lights stuttered to life around the room and Dean was thankful that his ambience lighting was a little darker than the fluorescent overheads, because he was definitely blushing now. This had been a stupid idea. He glanced behind him and took in Cas’s wide eyed expression. Well, maybe the idea wasn’t COMPLETELY stupid. He was reminded of Cas’s expression from the night before and he felt a warmth pool in his gut.. Time to get moving! 

He stepped in and Cas followed behind him. It was cold in here, but at least they were out of the wind. He gestured towards a low table set against the back wall of the room and they fell back into step with one another. Each step closer felt more and more choking to him though, and he had to will his breath into a normal rhythm. Cas seemed entranced with the lights around him and Dean focused on that instead of his own tumbling thoughts. Cas looked like someone who’d never experienced a single Christmas in his life. 

Dean wondered again about Cas’s background. The guy had been tight-lipped about it whenever the subject had come up and Dean had eventually dropped it. He understood keeping some things close to the vest. If all Cas’s family was like Gabriel, Dean could understand why he wouldn't want to talk about it. But, it was just so strange how fascinated Cas was with everything that surrounded the holiday and normal human interaction for that matter…

They reached the table finally, after a time that felt both too long and too short. Dean inhaled a deep breath through his nose and out his mouth. Cas was looking at the table in front of them in confusion. Dean didn’t blame him. He’d done a pretty sloppy job wrapping this one. Cas looked at him in question and Dean steeled himself. Now or never.

It’s another gift… I made this one and I thought… well, I thought you might like it, I don’t know.” That had been less than inviting and Dean could have smacked himself for it. He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck in embarrassment. 

Cas didn’t seem worried though, he merely gave Dean a small smile and looked back at the table. “May I?” He asked quietly. Dean nodded vehemently. _Please, open the damn thing and put me out of my misery here._

Cas reached out gentle fingers and carefully removed the newspaper from around the gift. Dean’s anxiety about the whole thing had skyrocketed as inch by inch of the gift came into view. This had been stupid, he hadn’t even done a very good job, Cas was going to hate it, or even worse he’d freak out like that time after the lake. Shit, shit, shit.

Cas moved the paper out of the way and they both stared in silence at the table before them. Dean wasn’t sure what had come over him to think Cas would like this. It was just so… so… girly. Cas reached out a delicate hand and traced around the edge of a feather. He didn’t seem to have any words yet and Dean wasn’t sure if he should feel thankful or not. 

Dean watched as the lights around them twinkled across the smooth black lacquer of the multitudes of feathers in front of them. Dean had thought, for some bizarre reason, that the perfect decoration for Cas’s apartment, would be a single large, hand carved wing. He was questioning his own sanity when Cas turned wide eyes towards him.

“Dean…” He breathed out in a whisper.

Dean felt his ears perk up and his shoulders tense.

“Dean… this is… this is so beautiful!” Cas exhaled the last in a rush. He seemed completely entranced with the large wing and was back to looking at it with reverent eyes. He was running his fingers gently along the sides of the feathers and Dean felt pride finally grow in his chest. 

”You… You like it?” He asked self consciously. 

“I LOVE it. Dean this is incredible. You made this yourself?” Cas’s eyes were traveling up and down the length of the wing, and his thumb rubbed against the vane of a feather. Dean had actually taken great pains to make it as accurate as possible. 

He’d looked up a crow’s wing for reference, he wasn’t sure why but the bird had suited Cas for some reason. And when it had come time to paint it, he had briefly considered white, but ultimately it hadn’t felt right. Cas’s wing was black in his mind, and he couldn’t in good conscious make it another color. ”Do you really?” Dean couldn’t help asking. He was trying to ignore his self-doubts, trying to push away the need for validation, but he wasn’t doing a very good job. 

“Dean, it’s so-so… it’s just so much. It’s so perfect!” Cas enthused again and his eyes shined brightly in the lights of the stringed bulbs around them. 

Dean was reminded again of the night before and how Cas’s eyes had glowed. If he had thought they were beautiful then, they were nothing compared to now. He felt himself blush and looked away from the other man and down at the table. He ran a hand along the joint of the wood nearest his hand. He felt pleased, incredibly and indescribably so. He had actually done a good job and Cas liked, no loved, the gift. Cas wasn’t skilled enough in social graces to be able to lie effectively after all. If he said he loved it, he meant it.

Dean’s heart swelled in his chest at the look on Cas’s face. He had done a good job. Without warning, muscular biceps and broad shoulders came up to him and he almost got a mouthful of dark hair. Cas had launched himself at him and was crushing Dean against his chest in a tight embrace. Dean spluttered for a moment, taken aback. But, he warmed to the sensation quickly and he hugged Cas back tightly. It felt right to hold the other man in his arms and he forgot himself for a moment. He snuggled his way down into the other man’s neck and inhaled deeply. Cas smelt like the air over tumultuous waters and maybe a hint of something sharper, though he couldn’t place it. Whatever it was, he smelt earthy and strong, something lasting and eternal. It was a heady sensation and he lost himself in it. 

They stayed together for a long moment, before Dean guiltily pulled back. Cas’s arms stayed around his shoulders though and he sighed happily. Cas’s eyes were crinkled in the corners and he was smiling broadly at Dean.

“Thank you, Dean. For the gifts… and-and for everything, really. I… you mean a lot to me.” Cas finished the last as if he had meant to say something else.

Dean felt his own grin turn radiant at him. ”You mean a lot to me too, Cas.”

xxx

Cas had been completely floored by Dean’s gift. He knew that the other’s wanted him to decorate his walls more but this was… amazing. He was so enamored with it in fact, that he completely forgot that he had a gift for Dean in his pocket. He ran gentle hands over the dark black surface and enjoyed the feeling of the smoothed wood against his fingertips. Dean had MADE this, he’d made it for HIM. What had Cas done to deserve such care?

It hadn’t taken any thought at all to know that his body wanted to hold on to Dean and to never let go. His arms were wrapped around the broad mechanic before he’d even had a chance to consider it. Dean seemed alright with the turn of events however, and nuzzled his way down into Cas’s neck. Cas shivered a little at the sensation but he smiled into Dean’s hair. 

He had thought things were perfect earlier, had even considered it being what his Heaven would feel like, but this. This didn’t even have words right to describe it. Dean was in his arms, after making Cas a gift, making it with his own hands, he’d thought and considered and planned and crafted for him! Cas felt a blush hot against his skin the more he thought about it. How had he gotten so lucky? How had he ever thought that he would be able to corrupt a soul like this one?

The light from Dean’s souls shined brighter than the colorful lights around them and Cas allowed the warmth of it to wrap around him as well as Dean’s arms. He could have stayed there, in that moment, forever. He felt Dean pull away from him a little and he was reluctant to let him go, but he loosened his grip. He kept his arms around Dean’s shoulders however, he wasn’t ready to let go just yet.

Cas felt words tumble from his lips and he let them go. He didn’t have enough mental fortitude to contain himself or to try and weigh his thoughts before spilling them out to the world at large. He realized almost too late, that he was about to reveal something he wasn’t ready to say. The warmth in his chest was translating into words and the words said, _I love you._ He halted at the last second however, and change it to, “You mean a lot to me.” It wasn’t perfect, but it was close.

Dean gave him a beaming smile that shot fireworks off in his chest. He signed over to Cas with steady fingers, ”You mean a lot to me too, Cas”

Cas wanted to kiss him. He had never wanted to do anything more in his entire life, never in the thousands of years he’d been alive had he EVER had a greater wish. In this light, after the day they’d had, after everything they’d ever done together, he thought that Dean would be receptive to it. 

He took a half-step forward, hands ghosting towards Dean’s hips when the slamming of a car door rang through the stillness of the air around them. Cas halted in his steps and stiffened. Dean was frowning and turned irritated eyes towards the shop door that had been left open. And just like that, the moment had been broken for them. Cas took a full step backward and let his hands fall down to his sides.

He watched Dean’s features close off, the warmth from a moment ago disappearing into the December air. He’d misread the situation. He felt a chill settle over him. He’d gotten caught up in the swing of Christmas, Dean didn’t want to kiss him. Friends didn’t kiss like that. _What was I thinking? Well, you weren’t thinking, obviously. I can’t believe I almost… Dean deserves better than to be tainted with your darkness anyway._ He thought to himself bitterly. Hadn’t what happened just proven that to him? He glanced at the table, at the midnight black wing spread out before him. Dean had lovingly crafted this for him, had taken the time and energy to MAKE something for him. He deserved better than what Cas had to offer him. And what DID he have to offer? 4 months with a socially inept demon? It wasn’t enough, it wouldn’t ever be enough.

Dean turned back to him with a smile and clapped him on the shoulder once. ”Let’s get you home before you freeze to death, Angel.” Dean winked at him roguishly and bent to retrieve the large wing from where it lay on the table. 

Cas followed sedately after him as they made their way out to the Impala. Dean placed the wing carefully into the trunk, scooting a few of the other gifts out of the way and smiled at it before slamming the door. Cas felt a melancholy steel over him, but he was doing his best to push it away. Nothing had changed, Dean was still here, still his best friend, they’d still had a wonderful holiday, nothing had changed. Except that Cas had decided that he wanted something, and that he wasn’t ever going to get it.

He silently berated himself for the thought. He had gotten more here than he’d ever thought he would. Earth had been a job and now it was his home. He needed to appreciate every moment because… his time here was already two thirds over. Dean shot him a warm smile when he climbed into the driver’s seat and Cas returned it as genuinely as he could. Nothing had changed.

xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't had much time to write this last week, work has been crazy. I think that we've got 4 MAYBE 5 chapters left and an epilogue. We're getting close to wrapping it up and the next few chapters are going to be a roller coaster. So, strap in everyone! As always, let me know what you think!


	11. Lance the Wound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a plot heavy chapter, but it's a good one. The beginning is rough but badass Cas makes an appearance!
> 
> CONTENT WARNINGS FOR SLURS, PAST ABUSE, AND HATE SPEECH

New Years passed in a blur, Dean was hardly even aware of the time as it zipped on by. The warmth of Christmas had lingered in his chest for weeks afterwards and anytime he felt himself getting down, he’d think back to the look on Cas’s face right before he’d hugged him in the shop. That had been a perfect moment in time, a snapshot of what Heaven would look like. Dean had almost thought that Cas had been about to kiss him, and damn if he hadn’t been ready for that! But then stupid Charlie had slammed her car door and they’d been snapped back to reality.

Dean had done his best not to be angry at her for it, and he had failed spectacularly. It was now just a week before his birthday and he wasn’t sure if he was excited about it or not. Once you passed 30, birthdays sort of lost their wonder. He still always got pie, and Sam and Jess would take him out for a burger, but mostly it was a low-key affair. He didn’t mind it.

It was a chilly morning and he had a thick wool flannel thrown over his work shirt. He was working underneath some old junker that morning at the garage and he could feel the concrete floor absorbing all the heat from his body.

Cas’s shoes had come into focus about half an hour ago and Dean had waved a hand at him from under the car. Cas had said, “Good morning, Dean,” in that solemnly serious tone he always used and then taken a seat against the wall closest to Dean. It was Friday, so Cas had the day off work and Dean was happy for his presence. Things between them had been a little strange right after Christmas, though Dean wasn’t sure why. But things seemed back to normal now and he was happy for it. His brain occasionally replayed the look on Cas’s face and the movement of his arms right before Charlie’s had slammed that god forsaken door, but it was an exercise in futility. Nothing had come of it. Nothing WOULD come of it.

He heard the door between the lobby and the garage open but he didn’t pay it any attention, it was most likely Jo or Bobby. He worked for another thirty seconds or so before an angry voice reached his ears.

“Do you work here?” A harsh male voice asked and from the sounds of it it was directed at Cas.

There was a pause and Dean heard the bench shift. “I do not.” Came Cas’s simple reply.

“Well, where the fuck is the mechanic?” The man snapped.

Oh, boy.

Dean wheeled himself out from under the junker and sat up quickly. They got pissy people in here all the time, normally though Bobby was around to handle it. Dean wasn’t sure where Bobby had gotten to but Dean wasn’t above tossing someone out on their ass. Especially, if the guy was gonna start harassing Cas.

He wiped his hands on his jeans as he stood and quickly assessed the situation. Cas was standing and looking coolly across at a dark-haired man about his height. Something about the way the man held himself looked familiar to Dean, though he couldn’t place it.

He took a step forward and Cas glanced towards him. The man must have noticed the look because he quickly snapped his head around towards Dean. The man turned flaming brown eyes and a sneer towards him. _Oh._ He had a week’s worth of stubble and messy dark hair. His brows were pinched and he had a furious expression on his mullish looking face. He looked familiar because he looked like John. He even had the same posture and the same angry eyes.

It shouldn’t have bothered Dean, his dad had been dead for a number of years, and yet… he felt something like fear work it’s way down his spine. He hadn’t seen that kind of fury directed at him in a long while. He shook his head a little, dad was dead, he was too old for this shit now.

Dean took a couple steps forward until he was level with Cas. There wasn’t much for it, Cas would have to translate for him. Dean glanced at him and Cas nodded minutely. Cas didn’t pick up on many social cues, but he seemed able to read Dean well enough.

Dean inhaled deeply and signed at the man, but slow enough that Cas could see from his angle next to him.

“This is the mechanic. He wants to know what the problem is.” Cas said simply.

The man looked from Dean’s hands to Cas’s face a couple of times in confusion before the fury returned full force. “What the fuck is this?” He asked while gesturing between them.

“What’s the problem?” Cas repeated again.

The man’s lip curled at them and he frowned. “The PROBLEM, is that I brought my car in here a week ago for a tune up and now the fucking thing won’t go over 40 without making some horrible whine.”

Dean nodded to him a couple times and frowned in thought. He hadn’t seen the guy last week, but he would probably recognize the car. He was already cataloguing possible problems before the guy’s sneer deepened.

“Are you retarded or something?” He asked with venom in his voice.

Dean blinked at him owlishly for a moment. _Retarded? What the fuck._ He lifted his hands to ask to go see the guy’s car before the guy slapped them away.

“I don’t want to see whatever stupid ass shit you’re to pass off as talking.” He pointed a thick finger in Dean’s face and Dean blinked at it in shock. “Maybe the reason my car is having problems, is because the mechanics in the place wouldn’t even qualify for the Special Olympics. Jesus, where do they even find people like you?” 

Dean was taken aback. No one had spoken to him like that since… well, since John actually. Dean felt a tremor run down his arms and into his hands. John would often get drunk and call Dean all manner of horrible names. John had barely learned the minimum of signs and hadn’t ever given a shit about the fact that he couldn’t understand anything his oldest son was trying to say. Sam had always translated and when Sam wasn’t around, Dean just sat and listened to his father’s vitriol in silence without anyway to defend himself. 

Ridiculously, he felt heat flare in his cheeks and tears prick at his eyes. He lifted his hands again to sign over to Cas, only to have them smacked away once again. 

“Did you not hear what I said? I don’t want to see this shit, now find me someone with an IQ higher than 5 before I REALLY get angry.” The man looked at Dean as if Dean were poison, or the scum on the bottom of his shoe. 

Dean felt shame rise in him. John’s words floated back to him from the past, years and years of abuse condensed into some highlights. _”It’s a good thing your mother can’t see what happened to her precious baby boy” “It should have been you” “The only good thing you ever managed to do was to get the worthwhile son out of the house” “I would have stayed in that damn house if I’d known I was going to be raising some mute retard for the rest of my life” “Everytime I leave I hope you won’t be here when I get back”_ On and on the words came and Dean felt bile rise in his throat. 

“That’s enough.” Came Cas’s calm voice and Dean grabbed onto it like a lifeline.

“What did you say?” The man spat over at him.

“I believe I said, that’s enough. I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.” Cas said slowly and with conviction.

The man raised an eyebrow and looked between the two of them. “Oh I see.” He turned a haughty expression over to Dean. “You’re a fag too? Jesus, could you have gotten more fucked up? You missing a leg too or something?”

Dean tried to swallow over the knot in his throat. _”Shoulda known you’d be a fag too, Dean” “I must have really pissed off God to be given a son who can only use his mouth to suck dick” “Being around you will taint Sam too” “You can’t do anything right” “It should have been you” “I hate you”_ Dean’s hands shook so badly at this point that even if he had wanted to try and sign again, it was likely his words wouldn’t be intelligible.

Cas turned towards him then, Dean could see the movement out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t will himself to turn though. It was taking everything in him not to burst into tears in front of this man and he didn’t think he had the willpower to turn his body. He hadn’t felt this cloying, sickening venom run through his veins like this in years. He wanted to curl up on the ground, just curl up on the cold, hard concrete and lay there and never get up. 

John’s words were running laps around his head, over and over they repeated. Often with an image of a particularly memorable time he’d said something horrible. He felt the ghost sensations of a slap in the face, a boot in his ribs, a hand around his neck. He didn’t even know how he was standing right now, sheer force of will apparently. He felt one of his knees start to buckle and he stiffened the joint in a bid to remain upright. The words “fag” and “retard” were screaming at him from inside his skull and he felt dizzy under their onslaught. 

He caught movement again from the corner of his eye and tried to focus on it. He was only vaguely aware however and he worried that he was about to pass out. He took a deep shuddering breath before his leg finally gave out on him, the other followed soon after. He hit the ground, hard. He fell too heavily on one of his wrists and the pain should have raced up his arm, but instead he only felt numb.

The cold concrete under him helped to ground him a little and he leaned forward to press his forehead against it. He knew the ground was filthy, but that thought was pushed away in favor of needing an anchor. He was solid, he was here, he was ok. John was dead, John was dead, John was… dead. He’d been dead for years, and Dean had worked long and hard to get out from under the yolk of the man’s abuse.

He took a shuddering breath and felt a few hot tears work their way down his nose to splash onto the floor. His hands balled into fists next to his head and he did his best to focus on the feeling of the floor under him. The hard, cold, permanent, and very real, floor. 

xxx

Cas felt annoyed at the customer that had made his way into the garage. His words were meant to be hateful but he felt that they fell a little flat, they certainly weren’t very creative. He did feel anger when he’d slapped at Dean’s hands, but it hadn’t been done hard enough to hurt so he’d waited and listened. He was deferring to Dean’s judgement at the moment. He knew how he would handle an insect like this, but his way was often not the appropriate way on Earth.

So, he waited for cues from Dean. Dean had looked shocked at first and Cas had watched his expression closely for any changes. 

Cas figured he was safe in telling the man to calm down. It was obvious that he was being hyper-emotional and it was getting tiresome. Cas wanted to roll his eyes when the man had called Dean a “fag”. _Original…_ He’d thought with disdain. 

The stillness on Dean’s face drew his attention though and he turned more fully towards him. Cas studied Dean’s face for a moment, taking in the contours and lines of his expression. Something wasn’t right. He’d never seen that look on Dean’s face before and he was trying to decipher it with his limited knowledge of social cues. 

It was… no… No, that couldn’t be, not Dean. But… no it was there. Cas frowned deeply and narrowed his eyes at the mechanic. Dean was visibly shrinking before his eyes, drawing further into himself. He hadn’t noticed it at first because he’d been paying attention to the customer. Written across Dean’s face, spelled out in the tight lines around his eyes and the quivering set of his mouth was… shame. Not only shame, but hopelessness… and… fear. Dean was afraid, he was shamed by what this man was saying. The hopelessness was new to Cas, but it was there, plain as day. And seeing it filled with him a fury he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Cas didn’t even think about his reaction to this realization. He simply acted. He moved quickly, which seemed to startle the other man. He reached forward and grabbed the man roughly around the bicep and hauled him back towards the lobby doors. The man was so stunned by this turn of events that he didn’t even react past a yelp as he was drug across the floor of the garage.

Cas’s grip on him was tight, tighter than it needed to be to move the man but he didn’t care. He was seeing red and wasn’t thinking rationally about what he was doing. This man would be lucky to escape this confrontation with his limbs still attached.

Cas reached the door, threw it open and tossed the man roughly onto the floor in the lobby. Jo, who was leaning against the desk in the corner, leapt up in surprise. Cas ignored her, his attention was focused on this… this… cockroach before him.

The man looked up at him in fury from his place on the floor and Cas felt his lip curl in disgust.

“Who the FUCK do you think you are? What in the fuck is wrong with you! I’m callin-” The man was spitting before a fist came into contact with his mouth. Cas felt the man’s teeth press into his knuckles but he ignored the pain.

He wasn’t thinking logically anymore. All that mattered now, was hurting this man in every conceivable way possible. He watched with disinterest as one of the man’s teeth broke loose from his gums and was promptly swallowed by the gulping man. 

Cas reached down with his bloodied hand and gripped tightly against the man’s throat. He hauled the man roughly to his feet by his throat and the man scrabbled at Cas’s hands uselessly. Cas felt a smile curl around his face, but he doubted that it was a pleasant thing to see. His doubts seemed founded when the man’s eyes widened in fear.

“Now, you listen to me, BOY. Who the fuck I think I am is your worst fucking nightmare.” Cas tightened his hold and the man’s eyes rolled upwards towards the ceiling. Cas tossed him back onto the floor and the man skidded a good five feet before bumping against the wall. Cas took 3 slow, measured steps towards him as the man gasped desperately for air. Cas looked down at him disdainfully and tilted his head in speculation. 

He placed a shiny black shoe, he’d worn his suit today, against the side of the man’s neck and gently applied pressure until the man looked up at him fearfully. Cas knew for a fact, that his concentration had slipped at some point and the man was now looking into his dead black eyes, he relished the fact that he had that extra bit of intimidation on his side.

A squeak of fear from Jo drew his attention and Cas narrowed his eyes at the man. 

“I’m feeling generous today, and so I will allow you to walk out of here. However…” And Cas bent down at this, crouched on his haunches until his was mere inches from the man’s face. “I want you to know, you little worm, that if I ever see you again, ever! That I won’t be so kind. I will follow you back to your home, maim and kill everyone you hold dear, a wife perhaps, a daughter, a son, even the family dog. I will take all them from you while you watch and then I will take you.” He inched closer now, until his lips were right next to the man’s ear. “I will take it all and take it back down with me into the Pit. There will be no end to the suffering you’ll endure at my hands. I’ll place you on the rack myself and relish in the knowledge that you’ll be my little bitch for eternity. You’re going to go home now and have a nice long think about the kind of presence you’re presenting to the world. And don’t bother calling the police, they won’t protect you from me. Nod once if you understand what I’m saying to you.”

The man looked like he was about to pass out. His eyes were so wide that it was a miracle that they hadn’t popped right out of their sockets. It took a minute for Cas’s words to sink into his fear-addled brain but then he was nodding frantically. Mouth opening and closing uselessly like a fish. Cas’s expression hardened and he frowned at the man before him. He stood slowly, and let the ends of his tan trench flare out around him. He looked down at the man in disgust before a wry smile quirked up one side of his mouth.

“Now, I believe I said nod once. You aren’t very good at following directions are you?” Cas’s smile was hideous to behold and he leered down at the man malevolently. “Perhaps you need a reminder of how serious I am?”

Cas lifted a foot delicately, and brought it down sharply. It caught the man’s wrist with a sickening crunch and the man howled in pain. Cas ground his heel down once for good measure before removing it and stepping half a step back.

“I trust you don’t need another reminder of my instructions?” Cas asked lightly.

The man took one last look at his ruined wrist and up at Cas’s eyes before he scrambled pitifully to his feet and bolted for the door. Cas watched him go in irritation. His anger was dissipating now that the man wasn’t in front of him. He shouldn’t have lost his temper like that, he’d just left Dean in the other room alone. 

_Dean!_ He’d forgotten Dean! He took a deep breath. He needed to compose himself before he saw Dean again. Dean wasn’t in a good place and seeing Cas like this would inevitably make it worse. And likely raise some questions he wasn’t willing to answer.

“C-Cas...” A shaking female voice called out to him.

Fuck. He’d forgotten Jo was there too. “Go check on Dean. I’ll be there in a minute.” Cas didn’t turn towards her, he knew his eyes were still the wrong color. He needed to get control over himself again and he needed silence to do it.

She didn’t respond, but he did hear the door to the garage open behind him and Jo to slip out through it. _Breathe in._ Good. Great. Ok. _Breathe out._ He needed to focus. He could handle this, he’d lost his temper. _Breathe in._ He’d felt something fiery and protective grip him when he’d seen the look on Dean’s face and he’d lost control. _Breathe out._

He wanted to go check on Dean, though he wasn’t sure what good he would be at comforting. Jo would be good in his place, she would know what to do. Cas just needed to calm down. He felt a tremor run down his arms and into his hands. The adrenaline that coursed through him was dissipating and he felt suddenly exhausted. He’d never experienced this prior to having a mortal body. It was a strange sensation. He needed to calm down.

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

xxx

Dean became aware of a warm hand against his shoulder and he blinked his eyes and looked around him blearily. There was a small warm body next to him on the ground, rubbing gentle soothing circles into the fabric of his shirt. Where was he? He placed his hands gently on the ground below him. Cold, hard, concrete met his questioning fingers. He was in the garage. What had happened?

He glanced beside him. Jo was sitting next him, she was leaned heavily against the old junker he’d been working on. He was sitting forward, his head hung heavily between his knees. What in the fuck? He stiffened slightly as the memory came flooding back to him.

Oh. Right. That asshole had come in here throwing out bullshit and Dean had had a panic attack. Where had the guy even gone? Cas! Oh shit, Cas had been here, but now both of them were gone. Jo must have noticed his stiffened posture because she leaned forward until she could meet his eyes. 

“Welcome back to the land of living, bud.” She said with an attempt at humor, though it fell a little flat. He could read the tightness around her eyes and the sadness in her expression. She’d been worried about him. Probably with good reason.

”My bad luck I saw your ugly mug first.” He signed at her slowly.

She gave him a wry smile and pinched his bicep lightly. “Glad to see you’re alright.” She hesitated for a moment before clearing her throat and asking quietly. “Do you uh… wanna tell me what happened? Because I gotta tell you Dean,” she lowered her voice further, “I almost shit myself when Cas threw that guy across the lobby.”

Dean’s eyes widened at that. Cas threw the guy across the lobby? He hadn’t even seen them leave the garage. What in the hell happened?

”...what?” He signed slowly.

Jo cocked an eyebrow for a moment and assessed him. “I must have been in the bathroom when the dude came in, cause I didn’t see him before Cas came in with him with hellfire licking at his heels. I swear to God, I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. Cas threw the guy onto the floor, punched in the fucking mouth and I think he knocked out a tooth, picked him up by his throat and like threw him into a wall before he said some of the creepiest, scariest shit I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life.” Jo shivered and grimaced.

“It was simultaneously the scariest and hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” She got a thoughtful look on her face. “So, would you care to enlighten me as to why Cas will be going to prison in the near future?” Jo asked and pursed her lips.

Dean blinked at her a couple of times and tried to process what she had said. His brain couldn’t even form the picture of Cas acting that way. And yeah, he looked a little more intimidating in his suit than he did in that damn giraffe sweater, but still… There’s NO WAY Cas was throwing people across lobbies and punching their teeth out. Right?

As he was thinking about formulating a response to Jo’s question, Cas came slowly back into the garage. His pace was even, measured and Dean watched him come closer with hooded eyes. There was definitely no way that this guy had… defended his honor? Come to his rescue? Or whatever had happened.

But, then Dean spied Cas’s right hand, and sure enough, the skin across his knuckles was torn with blood trailing down a couple of his fingers. _Holy crap, did Cas seriously fight that guy?_ Cas looked down at him cautiously and Dean gulped against the sudden dryness in his throat. 

Cas looked… predatory. His eyes were hard, like chips of ice. His mouth was a tight line like a fissure across his face and his scowl was quelling. Dean felt an inappropriate spike of arousal at the look of him. He may not have believed Cas capable of fighting some random stranger but this… this wasn’t Cas. Not HIS Cas anyway. This was Castiel. And Castiel was a total ass-stomping badass apparently.

Castiel paused in his strides towards them when he reached Dean’s boots. He paused here, unsure of himself and just like that, he was Cas again. His face relaxed and worry seeped into the cold depths of his eyes. Dean felt relief wash over him. Castiel was sexy in a I-want-rough-sex-and-I-want-it-NOW kind of way, but Cas was the man he loved. And he’d apparently come to his rescue.

“Dean.” He intoned deeply, and Dean let the sound of his name on the other man’s tongue wash over him. “Are you alright?”

Dean looked up at him and gave him a small smile. He nodded once, tightly, and Cas breathed a sigh of relief. Jo patted Dean on the shoulder a couple of times, but Dean had forgotten she was there already. Cas crouched down next to him and Dean focused on the other man’s blue eyes. They were striking and he allowed himself to be swallowed into their cooling depths. Already, the whispers of doubt and self consciousness that had so consumed him earlier were receding.

“If anyone’s listening I’m gonna go find Bobby, I think you should take the rest of the day off!” Jo said loudly at them, though neither of them was listening. She huffed in irritation and the sound of her footsteps receded. 

He wasn’t sure how long they sat there on the floor, staring at one another. But, after a time, Bobby came plodding over with a frown and clapped Cas on the shoulder. “We need to talk.” He said gruffly. 

Cas cast a look towards him before rising slowly and following Bobby towards his office. Dean had a feeling he knew what they were going to discuss, he just wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. He couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment, he was so damn tired! He just wanted to go back to bed and sleep for the next month. He leaned his head back against the junker and closed his eyes. What had happened! People said bullshit like that all the time! Why had that affected him so much? 

It was at least 20 minutes before Cas came back with a grim looking Bobby in tow. “Alright, idjit, get outta here for today. You get an early weekend, yipee.” The last word was growled with such annoyance that Dean would have laughed if he wasn’t so exhausted.

Cas offered his hand towards him and Dean took it gratefully and used it to help himself to his feet. He dusted off his jeans briefly before nodding in acceptance to Bobby. Leaving early was probably the best idea. Lord knows what he’d screw up if he stayed and worked the rest of the day. What time was it even?

He tossed a canvas jacket over his flannel and fished his keys out of the pocket. He gestured for Cas to follow him with a tilt of his head. Cas fell into step with him easily and they exited through the lobby. Jo raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips at them as they walked by. Dean felt a pit growing in his stomach when he walked into the mess of the waiting area. Jo was wearing gloves and wiping a smear of blood off the floor with a grimace. 

There was a small dent in the wall, where presumably a head had impacted with it, and blood in streaks across the floor. _Jesus, Cas…_

“My apologies, Jo. Would you like me to help?” Cas said next to him, his voice quiet in embarrassment.

She waved him off with an eyeroll. “Take ol’ Dean-bean home, I got this.” She offered them both a smile before turning back to her work. Dean loved that tough bitch. 

Dean gave her a small smile before walking out the front door and making his way towards the Impala. His couch was calling him and he needed to get home to see her. He hoped that Cas would come back with him, he needed the company right now. From the stern set to Cas’s jaw and the frown pinching his brow he had a feeling that Cas probably needed company too.

”My place?” Dean asked simply.

Cas nodded once before climbing into the passenger seat.

_Alright then, you and me, Angel._

xxx

Cas had been so focused on Dean’s face after that altercation that he hadn’t heard Bobby approaching behind him. The older man slapped a hand down on his shoulder to get his attention. Cas felt annoyed at the interruption but allowed it. He was worried about Dean but Bobby was a loved one, family even, and you tolerated family when they annoyed you.

“We need to talk.” Bobby said simply, and Cas knew that he was talking to him.

He rose slowly and followed behind Bobby back into his office. Jo trailed after them and he wanted to tell her that she should stay with Dean, but maybe some quiet would be good for the other man right now. Bobby closed the door behind him with a loud click and rounded on Cas in fury.

“What the HELL happened?” He asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Cas took a moment to collect himself. How far back did he tell him? Would Dean be implicated in this? Would HE be in trouble? He hadn’t even considered the consequences when he’d reacted, now he felt a twinge of worry in his chest.

“I removed a maggot from your establishment.” Cas said simply.

Bobby eyed him furiously. “That man was a customer. Why’d you attack ‘im?”

“He upset Dean.” Cas responded, his voice low and calm. He wouldn’t apologize for what he’d done, not to Bobby and not to anyone.

Bobby sucked on his teeth thoughtfully for a moment. “Alright. Tell me start to finish, now.” He kept his arms crossed across his chest and Cas supposed it would look intimidating if Cas wasn’t a millenia old demon.

And so Cas told him what happened, in perfect detail and in a slow and collected manner. He got angry again at his recollection of Dean’s face before he hauled the man into the lobby, but he managed to keep his voice steady. He heard Jo gasp occasionally but she kept any comments to herself. Bobby’s arms loosened the longer he listened until eventually his hands were hanging limply at his sides. Cas finished with the man tearing ass out of the building, he omitted the part where he had to get his eyes under control, but he doubted that would matter much to them.

He met Bobby’s eyes steadily afterwards and waited. He knew that Bobby could very easily throw him out of the garage and never let him return, could call the police and report what happened, Bobby had a lot of control over this situation. But, Cas felt neither worried nor repentant. He’d made the right decision for Dean.

“I can’t say I’m happy about it, but I woulda done the same thing to that ass.” Bobby huffed a breath and removed his ballcap from his head by the bill. He scratched in agitation at his scalp before replacing the hat. “Fine. You made the right call and I’m glad you didn’t kill the guy.”

Cas felt a shred of relief at the man’s omission. He would have preferred to kill that insolent cockroach but he knew that murder was frowned upon on Earth.

“Alright. You two need to take off for the rest of the day. You keep an eye on him, ya hear? I don’t want him alone tonight.” Bobby wagged an imperious finger at him and squinted his eyes in threat.

Cas nodded solemnly to this and rose smoothly from his seat. He wouldn’t have let Dean away from him for more than half an hour regardless, he didn’t need Bobby’s threat to get him to do it. “Of course, Bobby.”

Bobby nodded once as if that settled the whole manner. “And if the police show up… we’ll handle it.”

Cas hadn’t really considered whether or not the man would call the police. If he was smart, he wouldn’t. Cas may have gotten carried away with his threats, but he wasn’t above some pest control. His threat had felt sufficient, but maybe not. He nodded once to Bobby before turning to follow Bobby out of the office.

Jo stopped him with a gentle hand just as he reached the frame. He turned a cool eyebrow towards her and only just noticed that she had tears in her eyes. He wondered what she was sad about, certainly it wasn’t for the man with the broken wrist. 

“Cas… I just-just wanted to tell you… well, thanks I guess. Thank you for what you did.” She said with a wavering voice.

Cas turned more towards her, confusion written across his face.

She shrugged at him with a wry smile. “Thank you for being there for Dean. He uh… He’s gone through a lot, and it’s nice to know he’s got some back up.” She gave him a watery smile and patted his arm in a friendly way.

Cas wasn’t quite sure what to make of that but he nodded to her anyway. She gestured for them to follow Bobby back out into the garage. He took steady even steps back towards where Dean was sitting on the ground and felt his heart twist in his chest. Dean looked so small and so tired on the concrete floor of the garage. Cas had a moment where he could see the weight of all that Dean held on his shoulders and he felt sadness. Dean shouldn’t have to carry it all on his own. Shouldn’t have to carry it at all. 

Cas patted a hand against a pocket of his trench. Dean’s Christmas gift was nestled in a little box there, the one he’d forgotten to give to him. He’d intended to gift it to him for his birthday but maybe… Maybe Dean needed it sooner rather than later.

Bobby gave Dean permission to leave and Cas helped him to his feet. They headed for the door and Cas felt a stab of guilt as he they walked into the lobby. Jo was down on the floor, he hadn’t even noticed that she hadn’t followed him towards Dean, and was cleaning up the blood that Cas hadn’t even noticed before. There wasn’t a lot, per se, but it was smeared around the floor in a number of places. Knocking out a tooth spilled more blood than he’d realized, or maybe it was his own from his split knuckles. He had honestly forgotten until that point that he’d even been injured. 

He glanced down at his hand, but it didn’t seem to be bleeding anymore so he ignored it for the time being. He offered to help Jo clean up but she waved him away and asked him to look after Dean. As if he had any other plans!

He and Dean made their way out to the Impala and Cas was saved from having to insist on Dean coming to his house, by Dean asking Cas to come over. They climbed inside the car and Cas closed his eyes when the roar of the engine assaulted his senses. It was an abnormal sound, something against the very core of nature, and yet… it was comforting. It was so, so comforting.

Cas turned gentle eyes towards Dean and watched the man as he pulled away from the auto shop and onto the road towards his home. Cas was looking forward to spending some time there with him. He had loved the house when he’d toured it with Dean, even with the disastrous outcome of Gabriel tagging along, and was glad that Dean had bought it. 

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat and listened to the sound of the car’s engine and Dean’s quiet breathing next to him. This felt nice, his body felt so tired after all that excitement that he could easily fall asleep in the comfortable confines of the car.

All too soon, they reached Dean’s house and Cas’s eyes fluttered open. He had apparently dozed off for a minute, which was very unlike him. Dean was looking over at him with an unreadable expression and Cas wasn’t sure what to make of it. They exited the car silently and Cas led the way up the steps and towards the front door. He waited patiently for Dean to unlock the door before stepping out of his shoes in the entryway.

They spent the next hour milling around the house in silence. Dean went upstairs to shower while Cas brewed a cup of tea for himself and a cup of hot chocolate for Dean. Cas stripped out of his suit jacket and laid id across a chair back in the dining room. They finally both settled on the couch in the living room, cups in hand. Dean had thrown a blanket across Cas’s lap before settling next to him on the cushion. Cas was reminded again of Dean’s forethought and caregiving nature, he was really his antithesis in every way.

They sipped their drinks, neither seeming willing to break the quiet around them. Cas wasn’t quite sure what to say after what had happened. He didn’t want to apologize, he didn’t want to ask if Dean was alright, he didn’t want to discuss anything trivial, so he sipped and waited. 

xxx

Another wave of exhaustion washed over Dean and he resisted the urge to sigh. It felt like years since he and Cas had left the shop, but in reality it had only been about 2 hours. They’d spent the entire time in silence, though it wasn’t uncomfortable. He was doing his active best to ignore the events that had transpired that day and was failing miserably. The look in the man’s eyes and the words he’d been saying were on repeat in his head and he couldn't seem to get rid of them.

He glanced over at Cas. He was seated comfortably across from him on the couch and looking for all the world like he belonged there. _He does._ Dean thought fondly. _He DOES belong here._ He hadn’t heard what had happened after Cas had taken the man out of the garage, not in detail anyway, but from the sounds of it Cas had seen that the guy was out of line and stepped in to take care of it. Dean felt a curl of affection in his stomach. Cas had defended him, and though his methods may have been a bit… drastic, it was comforting. _And sexy as hell…_

He probably owed Cas an explanation for what happened. The guy hadn’t asked any questions, hadn’t even been giving him questioning looks like Sam would have. That helped him in his decision making process. Cas was willing to wait until Dean was ready to talk about it, and Dean figured that if he never wanted to discuss it, Cas would let it die here and never bring it up again. _How did I get this lucky?_

Dean took a deep breath and he saw Cas look over at him from the corner of his eye. He should probably talk about it. Maybe lancing the wound would help it to heal? That made sense in theory anyway. Ok, maybe he could do this. Cas was his best friend, he would listen, he wouldn’t judge. 

Dean set his cup down on the coffee table. It had been empty for a while now, but he’d held on to it for lack of something better to do. Cas watched him with calm eyes and Dean nodded to himself mentally. _Lance the wound, heal the wound. Right, ok deep breath, Winchester._

”I suppose you’d like an explanation for what happened… He started hesitantly.

Cas raised an eyebrow in question to him before setting his own cup down on the table before them. “I don’t need one, Dean.”

Dean gulped once and frowned. If he wasn’t going to push the issue maybe Dean should just let it drop? He’d managed perfectly fine for years with the weight, he could handle it. But, he suddenly felt so exhausted with carrying the burden. Cas had broad shoulders… maybe he could manage some of itt? Was that selfish of him? It would be so easy to give over his problems to Cas and let him deal with them. Or maybe he’d be giving them to Castiel, ass-stomping badass. Both of them could take it, but did Dean want to give it? 

The look in Cas’s eyes settled the matter for him. They were steady and still, like the lake at the cabin on a summer day. The look he was giving Dean was gentle and eternal, like he could sit there for years and never move a muscle, could absorb the pain and heartache of a million souls and never bat an eye. Cas could comfort the entire world and every person in it and never once complain. And he was directing all of that steadfast calm to Dean. He was an anchor, Dean’s own guardian angel.

And so Dean started from the beginning with his painful memories of his father. Gave over years of abuse, both physical and mental, into Cas’s waiting arms. Listed his shameful thoughts, self loathing, his depression and anxiety. He unloaded all the fear and hatred and Cas listened silently, never once moving to interrupt, never once looking bored or tired. He related how the man at the garage had looked so strikingly similar to the dead alcoholic that Dean had called “Dad.” Dean talked until he could feel cramps in his hands and he wasn’t sure how long he’d been going. He felt the always present tension in his shoulders loosen and he felt almost empty without it. At some point, tears had tracked their way down his cheeks, but Dean ignored them and Cas made no mention of them. 

At the end of it all, Dean felt a weariness settle over him that he wasn’t aware was even possible. He’d never told anyone that much before. Sure, Sam knew everything he’d been present for, and Charlie, Jo and Jess knew most of it. But, even they didn’t know some of the thoughts and feelings Dean laid out at Cas’s feet for his perusal.

Dean heaved a huge sigh once he was done and tried to ignore the empty feeling inside his chest. He was hollow, a shell that had been scooped clean and left bare to the world, or to Cas in this case. Logically, he knew that he felt hollow because he’d done his best to remove the infection that had lived in his breast for close to 30 years. He needed time to fill it back up, but with more good things this time around.

Cas remained silent and Dean turned wary eyes towards him. Cas was looking across the room towards Dean’s dark television, a thoughtful and furious glint in his eye. There was a fire burning in his blue depths and Dean marveled at the emotion he could so easily read there. This was Castiel again, ready to smite the wicked and protect the helpless. 

Yet, when he turned back towards Dean, his entire demeanor softened. His eyes pinched in the corners and the heat in his eyes was no longer a volcano ready to tear across the landscape, but a blanket on a cold morning to chase away the chill of the dawn. Dean felt a shiver run down his spine at the expression and his face crumpled at the look of… love, so clearly displayed before him.

He didn’t give himself a chance to think about it. He threw himself sideways and wrapped his arms tightly around Cas’s chest. The other man stiffened at the sudden contact but eased into it gently. Dean knew that his tears were soaking into the material of Cas’s dress shirt and he hoped the other man wouldn’t mind. He could feel a tentative hand settle on his left deltoid and another wrap possessively around the back of his head. He knew that Cas wasn’t very good at these social interactions but right now, this felt perfect.

Cas’s thumb rubbed soothingly up and down against the short hairs on the back of his head and Dean willed his thoughts to focus on the points of contact Cas’s skin made with his. The coolness of Cas’s touch washed through him like a summer breeze and he fell bonelessly against the other man. They stayed like that a long time. Dean’s tears eventually dried but neither of them made a move to get up. 

The steady thump-thump-thump of Cas’s heart beat a gentle rhythm against Dean’s cheek and he let the feel and sound of it wrap around him. His senses were completely surrounded by Cas and he couldn’t seem to think about anything else. The sound of Cas’s heart in his ear, the feel of Cas’s palm against his shoulder, the smell of Cas’s soap on his skin. It was all Cas, Cas, Cas around him and he felt comforted in the knowledge that he was here with him. Cas was an anchor in a storm, a rock for his tumultuous thoughts. He was safe here. 

Finally, Cas pulled back a little and Dean reluctantly sat upright himself. He wondered then if he’d overstepped his boundaries. He had been so focused on the feeling of relief and comfort that was coming from the other man that he had completely ignored that Cas might have been uncomfortable. He looked at Cas sheepishly from under his lashes but received only a small smile in response. 

“I need to get up for a moment, I’ll be right back.” Cas said simply, before extricating himself from under the blanket and Dean’s partial weight. 

Dean watched him go sadly. He’d made him uncomfortable for sure. _Way to go, idiot. Alienate your best fucking friend with your pathetic bullshit._

Cas returned after a moment with something in his hand. Dean rubbed at his eyes hastily, they felt crusty from all the salt on his face. Cas looked hesitant for a moment before he sat back down and coughed into his hand. He pulled the blanket back over his lap and glanced sidelong at Dean as if gauging the situation before he said slowly, “I uh… I actually have a gift for you, a birthday present, it’s a little early I know… But, I think now would be a better time to give it...”

Dean felt shock at that. Dean wondered briefly at the look in Cas’s eye. It was intense and focused and if he didn’t know any better, he’d say he was going to get laid. But Cas was too naive to be pulling anything playfully sexy here. Especially at a time like this. He must have an actual gift.

Cas’s hands shook a little around the box in his hands and Dean frowned at it. A birthday present? Well the timing was definitely odd... 

“It uh.. It isn’t much. And really, now that I’m thinking about it, it’s rather silly…” Cas was hedging and Dean felt sympathy for him. Dean had just laid his entire soul bare before this ridiculous man and Cas was somehow managing to feel nervous about giving a gift. There was no way he wasn’t going to love a gift from Cas, no matter what it was. 

”May I?” Dean signed simply and gestured at the box. He scrubbed a hand against one of his eyes to try and clear some of the swelling and leftover salt from his tears. Best to get it over with was his general rule.

Cas gulped and Dean watched the movement of his Adam’s apple with avid interest. Cas wouldn’t meet his eyes as he stuck his hand out sharply. The little box in his hands looked like it was going to be shaken to pieces and Dean quickly wrapped a hand loosely around Cas’s wrist to steady him. The touch of his fingers around Cas’s bare skin sent a jolt of electricity up his arm and he shivered against it. His body felt hot and cold and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. 

Cas’s eyes were still downcast and Dean gently plucked the little box from his grip. Cas looked relieved to be rid of it and he sighed deeply. Dean felt his eyes crinkle at the other man and studied the little black box in his hands. It was a pretty unassuming kind of thing, it could have all manner of items inside of it.

Well, there was nothing for it but to open it and see. Dean popped the little lid off and saw Cas flinch out of the corner of his eye. Inside, nestled against a velvet lining was a small silver pendant. Dean tilted it closer to his face so he could make out it’s details better.

The pendant was a brushed metal, possibly silver, and had a heavy masculine look to it. He plucked it from the box and felt the weight of it in his palm. It felt sturdy and cool, sort of like Cas himself. On the front a small design had been inscribed and he frowned at it. It didn’t look like anything he was familiar with, not any language or symbol he knew. It was a rectangle, one end larger than the other, with a bar running through it’s length and sticking out of it’s sides. One end of the bar ended in a curly que and Dean gave it a small smile. He rubbed his thumb over the design and felt the soft ridges of the engraving against it.

It felt… comforting. Familiar even. He frowned a little in confusion at that. He turned curious eyes at Cas and waited for the other man to look up. Cas did so slowly, and blinked at him owlishly.

”What’s this mean?” Dean signed, indicating the pendant.

Cas cleared his throat a little and rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. “It’s-um, well, it’s a… protection symbol...”

_A protection symbol? Oh Cas..._

Dean gave him a small smile. ”Protection, huh?” He ran his thumb over the design again and smiled at it fondly. It was sweet of Cas to do this, after what had happened. If it had been anyone else, he might have been annoyed or thought it corny. But, Cas had never been anything but completely earnest and a little socially inept. He gulped against a tight knot of emotion that was settling in his throat. He was NOT going to start crying again. How could he even have any tears left? He wasn’t even sure what to say now. He lifted the pendant on it’s leather cord and watched it shine in the low light around them. 

Cas had been planning to give this to him for his birthday… He wanted Dean looked after. He smiled at Cas warmly and the other man’s face broke into a relieved grin. It was perfect. Dean was struck then, looking at Cas’s startling smile and his slightly damp dress shirt, that this was it. Cas was it. He knew that he loved the man, but he’d never in his entire life felt so completely overwhelmed by someone before. He felt a fire building in his chest, the burn and roar of it clawing it’s way across his skin. He tightened his fingers around the pendant in his hand and relished in the feeling of the solid weight of it in his palm.

Cas had given him a protection talisman. Cas wanted him protected. There was little conscious thought between that moment to the next. But, quite without meaning too, Dean fell forward again. This time though, he didn’t simply wrap his arms around Cas’s chest. 

Dean’s eyes slipped closed as his lips met the rough texture of Cas’s own. Cas was stiff under him for all of a second before he relaxed and fell into the kiss on his own. Dean relished in the feeling of the other man’s hands as they came up to cradle his cheeks and he noticed vaguely that Cas was brushing a thumb against one of his cheekbones.

The kiss had been meant to be sweet, but the longer Dean pressed himself into the warm skin and hard planes of Cas’s chest, the more urgency he felt. It wasn’t enough, he needed more skin, more to taste, more to feel. He could feel Cas’s inexperience in the way his mouth slide against Dean’s own in the uncomfortable bumping of their noses and click of teeth against teeth.

Dean licked forwards anyway, against the seam of Cas’s lips, and Cas opened eagerly for him. Dean wondered what kind of man in his 30’s didn’t know how to kiss but that thought was quickly pushed away in favor of savoring the feeling of Cas’s tongue as it danced against his own. Cas tasted vaguely of the raspberry tea he’d been drinking and Dean eagerly chased the taste of it into every corner of Cas’s mouth. Dean’s hands slid forward and rubbed against the broad shoulders in front of him. He needed more, he would always need more of this.

A quiet moan, almost a whisper, snapped into his consciousness then. Cas had let out a desperate, wanton sound directly against Dean’s lips and the sound and feeling of it sucker punched him once in the dick and then immediately after in the brain. What the hell was he doing!? He was taking advantage of his best friend here! 

Dean reeled back suddenly, cheeks flushed and breath heaving. He looked across at Cas, whose eyes were half-closed and heavy-lidded. The man looked completely delirious, he was breathing heavily, flushed from his cheeks down his neck, and eyes unable to focus. 

_Oh Jesus, oh God, what did I do…? Cas was just trying to offer support, fuck, dammit Dean. He looks to you for social cues! What did I do…_

xxx

Cas felt the bitter sting of protectiveness race through him while he absorbed Dean’s recollection of his life’s worst disappointments. It was a good thing that John Winchester was dead already, because there was a very good chance that Cas would be going to prison for murder if he weren’t. As it was, once he made his way back into Hell he would be searching out the man’s soul and personally inflicting some revenge for the abuse his oldest son had suffered at his hands. 

Cas felt a strange sensation while he listened to Dean talk. His chest hurt, really, truly hurt, there was a dryness and a tightening behind his eyes and he was having trouble catching his breath. He was angry but more than that he felt grief. He wanted to cry, but he did his best to contain himself. Dean didn’t need his tears right now, he needed his strength. Cas would be strong for Dean, he would ALWAYS be strong for Dean, because Dean needed it. 

He refocused on what Dean was saying and listened earnestly. He silently vowed again to injure John Winchester when he returned to the Pit, Dean wouldn’t know that Cas had done it, but Cas would know. When Dean had been silent for a few minutes Cas turned his attention across the room and focused at a point on the wall in front of him. He wasn’t sure what to do in this type of situation. He wasn’t sure that he could do this at the moment to help. Dean was looking to him for HELP this time around.

He felt wrathful and furious, a hateful fury was simmering under his skin and he wasn’t sure what to do to displace those emotions. He turned back to Dean after a moment and he felt something shift in his chest. His anger cooled and the fury within him settled to a manageable level. Dean was looking at him with wide tear-streaked eyes and a fear of rejection that was painful to behold. Cas felt his expression soften and his heart seemed to swell in his chest. He did his best to offer his silent support to Dean, to let it show in the lines of his face that he was here for the mechanic. 

There was a shift in the expression on Dean’s face for all of a second before the man was pressed against his chest with his head nuzzling into the hard line of his collarbone. Cas stiffened at the sensation before he willed himself to relax. Dean needed physical comfort right now and he was more than happy to give it. Tentatively, he raised a hand to Dean’s shoulder and another to wrap around Dean’s neck.

Secretly, he’d been imagining holding Dean to him in a similar fashion but under better circumstances. The hand around Dean’s neck felt possessive and he squeezed the muscles under his fingers there once before running the tips of his fingers against the short strands of hair on the back of Dean’s hand. He didn’t know what he was doing, but this felt right.

Dean had fresh tears running down his cheeks and Cas could feel them dampening his shirt. Even if it weren’t for the dampness creeping across his chest he would have known that Dean was crying because of the burn he felt on his skin there. He hadn’t ever paused to consider whether salt would bother his skin in his mortal body, but apparently tears in direct contact with his skin caused some mild discomfort. He ignored it though in favor of a small smile on his face. He wished that Dean wasn’t hurting right now, but he couldn’t deny how miraculous this felt.

_I just wish there was something more that I could do, if only… wait a minute! The pendant!_ He had intended to save it for Dean’s birthday, but it would be so much more appropriate to give to him now! Cas pulled back slightly from Dean’s tight embrace and he was regretful for it the minute Dean straightened away from him. He felt cold all over now that Dean’s heat wasn’t plastered against his front. He wanted more hugs, but not under these conditions if he could help it. Dean needed the pendant, and though he wouldn’t know EXACTLY what the meaning behind it was, it would help him regardless.

Cas sheepishly made an excuse to get up and hurried over to his coat. He’d kept the little pendant on him for some reason, maybe it had been just in case but really he had just liked the weight of it in his pocket. He plucked it from his coat before hurrying back and resettling himself under the covers.

He was nervous to offer it over, but it was important that Dean owned it now. He hated himself for giving it over with shaking fingers and waited with bated breath while Dean opened it. Dean’s brow creased in confusion for a moment while he rubbed a thumb over the insignia. Cas knew, logically, that he couldn’t feel such a thing, but it made a shiver run down his spine regardless.

He desperately wanted to tell Dean what it was, what it meant, what it really meant. But, he couldn’t without revealing himself and then the meaning would be lost anyway. There was no way Dean would hold onto a pendant with a demon’s name inscribed across it. No, he’d just tell him it was a protection symbol and hope that Dean never looked further into it.

Dean turned a radiant smile onto him and Cas felt all his nerves leave him at once. He smiled back, just as grand, and felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He’d done a good job, Dean liked it and now he’d be afforded just that little extra bit of protection in his day to day life. Cas wasn’t very powerful, as far as demons went, and carrying his name wouldn’t offer Dean much, but it would be something.

He felt a warmth spread through him at the thought of Dean wearing his name across his chest. He was startled from that train of thought, by plush, superheated lips against his own and his eyes opened wide in shock. _Dean is kissing me… holy shitdamn, Dean Winchester is kissing me!_ The warmth that was seeping into him from the other man soothed him and his eyes slid shut almost immediately. 

Cas had never kissed anyone before and he knew that Dean could tell. There was a brief moment where their teeth had clinked together and then another when Cas bumped his nose against Dean’s while readjusting. But, the feeling was without comparison and Cas threw himself into the kiss eagerly. He’d never wanted anything more in fact and he gave himself completely over to the sensations. Dean was warm and sweet and tasted like chocolate and smelled like his soap and Cas reacted instinctively. His hands rose up from his sides and clasped loosely around Dean’s jaw and his cheeks. He let a thumb rub absently against one angular cheekbone.

If he had thought that spending time with Dean’s family at Christmas had been what his Heaven would feel like, he’d been sorely mistaken. Heaven was here, under Dean’s warm weight with his soft pink lips pressed tightly to Cas’s own. He felt Dean run his tongue against his mouth and his lips parted in surprise. Dean had quickly taken advantage of the opportunity and had delved deeply into Cas’s mouth. The feeling was completely overwhelming and Cas could do little but hang on and follow the sensations as they came. Dean was much more experienced and Cas was relishing in that fact. 

Dean had gripped his shoulders tightly and Cas felt an animalistic part of him react to that. Dean was claiming him, just as he’d claimed Dean with the pendant and the thought of that tore through him like a wildfire. A low moan escaped his mouth and brushed against Dean’s lips, he would have felt embarrassed if he’d had enough brain power for it. Right now though, all he could focus on was Dean’s hands on his shoulders, his tongue in his mouth and his own steadily growing erection. 

Moments after he’d released the sound though, Dean had pulled back. Cas felt a staggering loss at that, but he was having a hard time focusing. His thoughts were all muddled and there was a heat in his chest and on his mouth that he couldn’t seem to get past. How did humans get anything done if they could be doing THAT all the time?! 

He needed to rally his thoughts, he needed to pull himself together. Dean had moved away from him and that just wouldn’t do. Cas needed him closer, pressed flush against him with Dean’s sweet, sweet lips on his own. He blinked his eyes slowly once, twice, three times. _Come on, brain. Come on, focus._ Cas was finally able to rouse himself enough to focus on the look on Dean’s face. The expression there brought him back to reality almost immediately and he felt like he’d just gotten whiplash.

Dean was looking at him in terror, a mixture of fear and shock. That shouldn’t be right… 

“Dean…” He said. His voice came out much quieter and much deeper than he’d intended and he wondered briefly why that was.

Dean had closed his eyes tightly and swallowed when Cas said his name and Cas waited patiently for Dean to look at him again. Dean shouldn’t look like that after he’d expelled all of those horrible memories, after taking comfort in Cas listening to him and then later in Cas’s physical presence.

When Dean’s eyes stayed closed, Cas reached for him gently. He placed a hand on Dean’s forearm and felt the man jump under the touch. “Dean.. what is it?” Cas tried again.

Dean shook his head furiously and Cas was disheartened to see tears building in the corners of his eyes again. Had the kissing been bad? He didn’t have any experience but it had felt nice, had it not for Dean? Did Dean not want to kiss him? He had observed that many people here looked down on same-sex relationships, Dean hadn’t ever given that impression though.

But, there was no mistaking the look on Dean’s face. Something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong?” Cas pressed, his voice had regained its normal volume and he was thankful for it.

Dean shook his head once and held up a hand to silence him. Cas narrowed his eyes at the mechanic but waited while Dean gathered himself. Finally, Dean exhaled a deep breath and looked down to his lap.

I’m sorry, man. I got carried away… Dean signed to him slowly.

Cas’s eyes narrowed further at that. Carried away? So… he hadn’t meant to do any of that? Oh. Oh… Cas had gotten excited. Dean was feeling emotionally compromised, he’d had a harrowing day after all. Cas had just read too much into what had happened. What HAD happened…? 

“Oh… of course, Dean. Me uh, me too.” Cas responded uncomfortably. _LIAR!_ He screamed internally at himself. He wanted nothing more than to throw Dean backwards and onto the couch and claim his mouth again. To feel the man’s broad shoulders and slick lips against his own. He had so, so wanted to taste more of Dean, but… It was looking like that was a feeling he wasn’t going to experience. 

Dean was looking down at his lap sheepishly and Cas wasn’t sure what to do. He raised a hand and patted Dean a couple of times on the shoulder. Dean tensed slightly, but Cas kept it brief and friendly. He hated himself for it. 

Dean scrubbed a hand over his face and Cas watched as the tears that were building behind his eyes disappeared behind the movement.  ”Thanks for listening to my bullshit, bud. I don’t normally unload like that. So sorry to get all teenage girl at a slumber party on you.”

Cas frowned at that but didn’t comment. He wasn’t sure what teenage girls at slumber parties did… Did they confess emotional damage or kiss like the world didn’t exist? Both? He didn’t know and it didn’t really matter. 

“I’m always here to listen to bullshit, Dean. Or… other types of shit…” Cas said in an attempt at being comforting. He grimaced at himself once the words were out though, he wasn’t being particularly eloquent. 

Dean turned a large grin to him though and he felt some of the tension leave his chest. ”I love hearing you cuss, Cas. It’s like… seeing a double rainbow or something.” Dean signed and then huffed a few breaths of his strange laugh. 

Cas gave him a lopsided smile. This wasn’t really how he wanted this situation to have ended, but at least Dean seemed lighter than he did before. So, maybe that was enough. Enough for now. 

They spent the rest of the evening on the couch and milling about the house. Dean got up at some point to make food and Cas found a dog-eared copy of “The Transall Saga” on a bookshelf that he leafed through. It was mostly relaxing. And if Cas looked at Dean askance with a bit of heat in his eyes, Dean didn’t comment. And likewise, if Dean found himself standing too close to Cas, Cas let him pass without a word. It wasn’t as comfortable as their previous interactions had been, both still obviously thinking about their aborted kiss, but it was still nice to be near one another. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get this finished up here in the next week or two and then I can post the rest of the chapters faster. I've been swamped with work recently. The insignia on the pendant is actually a symbol for the archangel Cassiel. Let me know what you think! Next chapter on Saturday at the latest.


	12. The Exorcist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First :( then :)

Dean took a steadying breath before knocking politely on the door to Cas’s apartment. He hoped against hope that Gabe didn’t answer the door this time and was already gritting his teeth, just in case. A muffled “come in” drifted through the wood however and Dean felt himself relax when he heard Cas’s voice.

He had been given a key to the apartment last week and he used it eagerly to turn the knob and step inside hurriedly, the hallway in this building was frigid. He hoped it was warmer inside. Poor Cas was always so cold that Dean worried about his health in such a poorly insulated place. It was a reasonable temperature once he made his way in however, and he felt a little better about Cas’s situation. He looked around the living room with mild curiosity. The place was just as empty as he remembered it being and he frowned a little. He hoped that Cas would set down a few more roots now that he was considered family, but maybe he was looking for a new place? He’d have to ask. He felt a vague sense of foreboding in his gut but tried to ignore it.

He walked slowly down the narrow hallway that led to Cas’s bedroom. He didn’t want to surprise him if the guy was changing or anything so he made sure to make plenty of noise as he made his way. Cas was just rearranging some things in the room when he stepped in the doorway and Dean felt a smirk lift the corner of his mouth. Cas was wearing the sweater Dean had gotten him for Christmas and a pair of jeans that were maybe a hair tighter than they should be. His hair was in complete disarray, as usual, and Dean couldn’t help but think that he was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

Dean’s eyes were drawn to the left of the room and his smirk turned into a smile. The wing Dean had made was hung on the wall above Cas’s bed He had made sure to help Cas hang it himself, because he’d been terrified when Cas suggested putting it there that it would fall in the middle of the night and crush him to death. It was solid though and Dean felt a shiver run down his spine at the thought of Cas sleeping under it every night. 

Cas seemed to notice him then and straightened where he was folding clothes. “Hello, Dean.” He said with a bit less solemnity than usual. Dean gave him a small wave and Cas smiled at him. 

“I’m almost ready, give me a moment.”

Dean nodded and leaned a shoulder against the frame of the door. They were going to a movie tonight, and it DEFINITELY wasn’t a date even though Sam had been teasing him about it all week. Cas had flopped onto his bed in order to lace up his sneakers and Dean did his best to ignore the strip of tanned skin on Cas’s lower back that had become visible.

Cas stood after a moment and stepped forward. Dean’s grin widened at this because the way Cas had managed to position himself now made the wing on his wall line up almost perfectly with his back. In fact, if Dean squinted just a little, it looked almost as if Cas had his own ebony black wing stretched out to the side and across the room. _Just like an angel…_ Dean thought whimsically.

”Come on, Angel. I don’t wanna miss the previews.” Dean straightened himself and took a step backwards and down the hall.

Cas followed closely behind, perhaps a little TOO closely, but Dean didn’t mind. Not at all. Not even one bit. He wondered briefly what he’d gotten himself into with this… He and Cas had never gone to a theatre before. And even worse, they’d definitely never gone to a theatre to see a scary movie. Sam had been relentless when he’d discovered that not only had Dean asked Cas to a movie but that he’d asked Cas to a horror movie. Because it was apparently Dean’s M.O. to invite date’s to scary movies so they’d leap and clutch at his arms desperately. And yeah, ok, he’d done that before. But this was Cas! This was different! And Cas wasn’t really the damsel in distress type, so he doubted there would be much clutching at Dean for protection. If he was lucky though, maybe…

Dean had even gone so far as to buy their tickets in advance. The discount theatre was running a throwback horror movie every Friday for the month of February as some sort of anti-Valentine’s day promotion. The first one had actually been a movie called “My Bloody Valentine”. Dean decided to skip that one, the reviews hadn’t been that great. But! The week after that though they were showing “The Exorcist” and there was no way Dean was gonna miss it!

So, he’d bought tickets at the first of the month and had asked Cas to go with him without a second thought. Now that he considered it though, it was a little unlike him not to ask Jo to go with him, she LOVED horror movies. But, the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. Especially once he’d found out that Cas had never seen “The Exorcist.”

“What should I be anticipating?” Cas asked once they were settled in the Impala.

Dean gave him a large grin before throwing the car in drive and pulling away from the curb. He merely shook his head at the other man. He wasn’t going to give anything away about the film, he wanted Cas to form his own opinions and watch it with fresh eyes. Plus, he kinda hoped that when the girl’s head spun Cas would jump a little.

Cas rolled his eyes at him. Cas wasn’t a particular fan of scary movies, but he seemed happy enough to humor Dean. The drive to the theatre was relaxed with Cas offering speculations about the film that Dean listened to with half an ear. Dean was already planning the snacks he’d get and what seats they’d need. 

When they finally walked into the lobby of the theatre Dean’s nose wrinkled in distaste. He should have known that there would be teenagers crawling all over. Most of them didn’t look old enough to be going to an R-rated movie, especially not one as disturbing as this one. He ignored them and gripped Cas’s elbow to direct him towards the concession stand. He needed a slupie, stat.

Cas took his time perusing the menu and it took everything in him not to tap his foot in impatience. They still had plenty of time before the movie started but Dean wanted to get good seats. Cas eventually settled on a large pretzel and Dean waved away Cas’s protest when Dean pulled out his wallet to buy their food. He decided to get a bucket of popcorn as well, might as well get the full movie experience!

They wandered towards the bored looking ticket attendant who tore their stubs while not bothering to look at them. Dean winked at Cas as they walked into the theatre. His hands were full so he couldn’t speak but his excitement was surely evident on his face.

_Here we go!_

xxx

Cas wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but this wasn’t it. He had initially been reluctant to go and see a film titled, “The Exorcist.” He could really only assume it was about exorcising demons and he felt a certain amount of fear at the thought. The movie was apparently quite a few years old and Dean had sung it’s praises for the last week. So, Cas had eventually agreed to go and he could only hope that there wasn’t an ACTUAL exorcism in the film. If there was, he’d need to make a quick excuse to leave the theatre… 

He had had to hide his **Being Human** list before Dean came over to get him. He wasn’t even sure why he was holding onto it. It hadn’t really done anything but cause him problems but perhaps he was feeling sentimental. He had apparently followed its guidelines a little too well, because he didn’t even feel like a demon anymore. Didn’t even want to BE a demon anymore. He wished that he could hate himself for that, but he found that he wasn’t able. Not when Dean looked at him with such warmth and signed to him with his large grease-stained hands. He couldn’t hate himself at all. 

Once they’d made it to the theatre, Dean had selected seats for them near the aisle so that they didn’t have to crawl over anyone if they needed to step out during the movie. Cas had been less than impressed with the horror movies that Dean had made him watch so far, but Dean had absolutely assured him that this was bar none the best that had ever been made. Cas wasn’t convinced but he’d take any excuse to spend time alone with the mechanic. Plus, his soft pretzel was very good.

He couldn’t say that he was all that excited about his fellow audience members. True, he may have shed most of the crueler aspects of his personality, but he still hated teenagers. And there seemed to be no adults in the auditorium except for he, Dean, and a couple of long-suffering parents. He hoped this movie was worth it, because if this kids didn’t settle down Cas may not be able to restrain himself.

The room eventually darkened and shrieks rose up around them in anticipation. Cas ignored his desire to backhand the little shit beside him by grabbing a handful of Dean’s popcorn. Dean gave him a quick elbow in the arm and a big grin and suddenly Cas wasn’t quite as angry as he had been a minute ago. The man’s enthusiasm was contagious. _Please don’t exorcise me, stupid movie…_ Cas thought pitifully to himself.

Once the previews had passed and the film had started Cas felt a slow chill creep down his body. His hands grew clammy and a fine sheen of sweat formed across his forehead as the movie wore on. It had seemed pretty innocuous at first, and he hadn’t really seen what the hype was all about. That changed though as more of the plot unfolded. He wasn’t afraid so much as he was horrified. 

It was true, that he didn’t particularly like children, probably never would. But, to watch this sweet young girl turn into… that, it was turning his stomach. He had never seen what could happen to a human host that was ill-equipped to handle a demon’s essence. Most of the time, demons didn’t even NEED to possess a human body in order to move around on Earth. They had their own bodies, more or less. And the only reason to possess would be… to cause pain. Cas knew that logically the filmmakers hadn’t gotten all the details right, and he was thankful that there was no true Latin exorcism in it but… He felt as if a weight had settled in his gut. Large and rotund like a cannonball. 

This was what he was. This young girl was being tortured, tormented by his kind. And every person in the theatre was bearing witness to it. He heard the shouts and screams of the teenagers around him, knew that they were playing it up for the drama, but… they were watching the girl’s downfall at the hands of a demon. At a downfall because of him. The people around them were cheering for the priests as they teamed up to battle against the forces of darkness. They all groaned loudly and hooted and hollered when the older priest was vomited on. They jeered the demon, egged on the priests.   
He felt his stomach revolt at a particularly traumatizing scene that involved a crucifix. The pretzel and popcorn in his stomach made a mad dash up his throat and he swallowed against the sensation. What was he doing here? Why would anyone want to watch this? His hands felt clammy and greasy from the popcorn bucket covered in butter in Deans lap.

The demon was the villain. The demon was always the villain. OF COURSE IT WAS! It was to be reviled and hated, it’s loathsome nature was known the world over. What was he DOING here?! HE was the problem here, he was the villain. 

He glanced with wide eyes towards Dean, who had a hand poised with a piece of popcorn halfway towards his mouth while his own wide eyes stared at the action on the screen. What was he DOING!? Dean didn’t deserve this! He glanced up at the screen, a feeling of dread completely overwhelming him. That’s who he was… He may not look that grotesque on the outside, but inside he was just as rotten and putrid. There was no goodness in him, he was a creature of darkness, devoid of hope or love. What was he playing at here? _Being human, indeed. You’ve been playing a game here, Castiel. You’ve been trying to play the hero of the story… you aren’t. You’ll never be. You let Dean sway you, let him tempt you with that RIDICULOUS angel nickname. You’re as far from an angel as you could possibly get, you absolute moron! Fuck, fuck… fuck…_

Cas could feel the air as it struggled to make it’s way into his lungs. He needed to get out of here, he couldn’t be in here any longer. With little conscious thought he stood suddenly and fought his way over Dean’s legs and into the aisle. He stumbled and tripped but quickly righted himself and all but sprinted for the exit. He knew that he’d probably knocked Dean’s popcorn all over him, but he paid it no mind. He couldn’t. He needed to get away from this place, away the screen that was reflecting his true nature back at him. He couldn’t do this, why did he think he could do this? Why WAS he doing this? He’d been so stupid! He’d been so reckless! He should have just stayed in Hell, he shouldn’t have left the Pit.

It was as he was making his way towards the front doors of the theatre lobby that a strong hand gripped his bicep and halted him. He whirled in a panic, eyes wide and terrified. He couldn’t even make sense of the person standing in front of him for a moment. His brain felt like oatmeal, all mushy and congealed. His eyes finally settled on Dean’s though and he felt his breathing increase again. _No, no, no, no. I can’t do this, I can’t do this with him. I’ve tainted him with my mere presence, I have to get out of here!_ His brain flashed again to the cuts and the pustules on the little girl's face in the film. It was his own face reflected back at him. He shook his head furiously a number of times to try and clear his thoughts.

Dean’s hands were rubbing his shoulders roughly, in an attempt to focus his attention. He blinked rapidly and tried to calm his breathing. He was hyper ventilating and if he didn’t calm down soon he was going to pass out. But, there didn’t seem to be enough air in here and the employees were looking at him curiously and he needed… he needed…

A strong arm wrapped around his waist and he felt more than saw that he was being led out through the front doors of the building. Dean was guiding him outside and he was angry with himself for feeling grateful. Once they were out in the cold February air though, Cas felt like he could breathe again. He took large, deep breaths of the bitter air and relished as it stung his lungs. Dean had moved them towards the wall and out of the wind. He ran a hand soothingly up and down Cas’s back and held his wrist in the other.

It was a grounding feeling and Cas felt tears sting his eyes at the thought. Dean was anchoring him because he was panicking. How could he have let this happen. How had he have let himself fall so desperately for this human? The hot tears bit against his chilled skin as they made their way down his face. He was embarrassed, but more than that he was furious with himself. He had made a horrible mistake.

They stood like that for what felt like hours, until Cas’s breathing evened out and the tears on his face dried. The salt stung as it lingered on his cheeks and he focused on the feeling of it. He wished that he hadn’t made Dean miss his movie, but he couldn’t bring himself to care overly so. It was petty and selfish, but he didn’t want Dean to see him like that… that movie monster. Even if Dean didn’t know what Cas truly was… well, it was the principle of the thing.

What now? He lowered his chin until it bumped against his chest and he closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe that he’d just done that. What must Dean think of him now? He raised haunted eyed upwards and caught Dean looking at him with a mixture of sympathy and… something else. Something bigger.

He took a shuddering breath, willed his thoughts to still. “Dean, I’m so sorry…” He started. But, Dean raised a palm up to halt him. Cas’s lips pressed together in a thin line.

”Cas… It’s okay, man. That movie is REALLY intense. I should have warned you, I’m sorry.” Dean looked guilty and Cas hated himself for it. It wasn’t Dean’s fault that Cas had had a gruesome epiphany in that loud, dark theatre.

Cas shook his head at the man but wasn’t sure what to say.

”Why don’t we head outta here? We can go back to my place and watch a Disney movie or something?” Dean was trying to comfort him. Cas felt a stab of self loathing hit him. _How could you have ever thought that you’d deserve anything from him?_

Dean captured Cas’s wrist in his hand and pulled him towards the Impala. Maybe he’d feel better once he got away from here? Though he really doubted it. How could he feel better about the fact that he was the embodiment of evil and was hated on Earth as a matter of course? It was so obvious to him now, maybe it even was before but… he hadn’t FELT it before. He hadn’t felt the hatred, hadn’t felt the self-loathing. He hadn’t hated himself for simply being what he was. He did now though.

xxx

Dean was worried about Cas. If he’d thought that the guy would react that way to the movie he wouldn’t have even suggested going to see it! Sure, it was a scary ass movie. One of the scariest, but… damn. Cas came across like an iceberg in Antarctica, Dean had doubted that anything could get to the guy. But, he had recognized the look in Cas’s eyes once he’d followed him outside after Cas had nearly kicked him in the teeth on his way out of the theatre and spilled his popcorn all over himself and the floor. He’d been a little annoyed for a moment, thinking the guy had to pee or was gonna ralph. But, he’d followed after just in case and once he’d seen his eyes, heard his breathing, he’d known. Cas had had a panic attack, a bad one too. 

He’d leapt into action and gotten him outside as fast as he could. The best thing to do for this kind of thing was to stay with him while it passed. He didn’t have a bag or anything for Cas to breathe into, but the cold air would more than likely bring him back around. Dean felt a stab of pain run through him when he saw the tears on Cas’s cheeks but he didn’t comment and simply continued to rub his back and hold one of his wrists. He just needed some time, he’d come back down in a little bit. 

He needed to get them out of here once Cas came back around. He doubted that the guy would want to be on his own after an attack like that. He never did, as much as he complained about Sam hovering over him, having the company was grounding. He’d take Cas back to the house and they’d watch some mindless cartoons or something. Maybe talk about what happened, but they didn’t have too.

Once Cas had calmed down and Dean had gotten him settled in the passenger seat of the Impala he ran a rough hand through his hair. It had been a long time since he’d been on the caring end of these types of situations instead of the care-ee end. Sam had cried a lot as a kid, but he’d never had panic attacks like this before. He settled himself in the driver’s seat and pulled slowly out of the parking lot. There was a fine layer of ice on the ground and so he navigated carefully on the roads to his house.

He shot the occasional worried glance at Cas, whose eyes were closed now. _Do I play music? Is that soothing or would it be obnoxious? What kind of music would be relaxing? Probably not Metallica, what does Cas find relaxing? Fuck, am I messing this up? Think, Winchester, think! What do I do… fuck!_

“I can feel you worrying.” Cas said quietly, his eyes still closed. “I just need a little bit of time, I’m fine.”

Dean wasn’t convinced, but he did feel a little bit of the tension leave his shoulders. He’d get Cas bundled up at home with a cup of tea, put on Megamind or something and they’d relax on the couch. Maybe cuddle a bit. _Yes, right. Perfect. Good plan, Big D. Good plan._

He took a shaky breath and did his best not to keep looking over at Cas. He needed to focus on the road so they didn’t go careening to their deaths. That wouldn’t help Cas. That wouldn’t help Dean either. The rest of the drive was quiet and tense. Dean never did turn on the radio and so the only sounds in the car were their steady breathing and the soft squeak of the leather as Cas adjusted his position a number of times. Dean allowed himself one final look to his right when they pulled up to the house. Cas was leaned against the passenger side door with his eyes closed and Dean had a vague sense of deja vu.

_This seems familiar… but why?_ A brief flash of a dream drifted through his mind but floated away when he tried to get a better hold on it. _Hmm…_ He shrugged a little to himself before shaking Cas’s shoulder gently.

Cas blinked around himself a little in surprise before running a hand through his messy hair. He opened his door slowly and Dean followed suit. He hurried himself towards the house to unlock the door and waited patiently for Cas to make his slow way up the path.

Once inside Dean bustled around the kitchen, making a cup of tea for Cas and hot chocolate for himself. Cas dragged himself towards the couch and all but collapsed onto the cushions. Dean swept by a moment later to drape a large throw across his shoulders before he was back in the kitchen to finish their drinks. He knew how exhausted he felt after an attack and so didn’t mention anything when Cas laid his head back against the back of the couch. Cas would perk back up here in a little bit, he just needed to rest. His brain had been firing on all cylinders for a few minutes and that kind of activity often gave you energy whiplash. 

He placed Cas’s drink down on the coffee table and seated himself on the opposite side of the couch. He blew gently on his own mug while he turned on his television. He idly flipped through options while he waited for Cas to perk back up. He actually DID turn on Megamind, it was one of his favorites, but kept the volume low so it didn’t disturb Cas.

After about 15 minutes, Cas lifted his head and reached for his drink. It was probably pretty cool now, but he didn’t comment on it. Both men sat in silence and watched the movie play out before them. Dean wished that he’d had the forethought to take Cas to something more light-hearted for their first date. _NO! No, no, it wasn’t a date._ And Dean definitely didn’t want to claim this catastrophe of an evening as a planned date on his part. He felt guilty enough as it was. 

Cas’s eyes had been hazy for a while but as the movie had progressed they’d sharpened again. He wondered if Cas was actually interested in the story or if he was just thankful for something to focus on. Either way, it was good to see Cas a little more like himself again.

It was as the credits were rolling for the film that Dean finally turned fully to Cas. He looked thoughtful, which was a damn sight better than how he had before. ”Hey, welcome back.” Dean signed and gave him a crooked smile.

Cas offered his own small smile before looking into the empty cup that he was still holding. “I’m so sorry, Dean. That’s never… I’ve… well, that was new for me.”

Dean shrugged at him. ”I get panic attacks all the time, man. You-you saw one last month. With that guy in the shop…”

Cas nodded to him slowly before pursing his lips. “Yes, I remember. I hadn’t realized…” His voice trailed off at the end and he looked away at nothing in particular.

It was a hard feeling to describe if you’d never experienced it before. He wished that Cas didn’t understand it now, but there wasn’t much for it. Dean frowned at the lost look on Cas’s face and decided to work his courage up. Cas wouldn’t meet his eye so Dean shifted across the couch until he was flush against Cas’s side. He could feel the coolness of Cas’s skin through the blanket that was still wrapped tightly around the other man’s body and marveled again at how remarkable it felt. He didn’t know why Cas always felt so chilly but it always felt like Heaven against his own constantly overheated skin. 

Cas jerked a little when he felt Dean pressed against his side. Dean lifted an arm and used it to wrap around Cas’s shoulders and pull him towards his chest. He told himself that it was to give Cas some comfort, but a voice in the back of his head reminded him that he’d been thinking about doing this for a long time.

It took all of two seconds before Cas completely melted against him. He tucked his head underneath Dean’s chin and Dean resisted the urge to sigh contentedly. He wished that the circumstances were different, but beggars couldn’t be choosers here. He’d take what Cas was willing to give. The feeling of Cas pressed against him from knee to crown was distracting but he pushed his libido down in favor of stroking his fingers through Cas’s hair. The strands were soft and thick and Dean marveled at the texture. If he had his way he’d begin and end everyday by running his fingers through the thick black mop on top of Cas’s head. 

The sensation must have been relaxing for Cas as well because the man relaxed further against him. The hard planes of Cas’s chest moved against his own and Dean closed his eyes in an attempt to memorize the sensations. Who knew if he’d ever to get to experience this again after all. It was while his eyes were closed that he became aware of a new sensation. It was feather light and ghosted across the skin of his neck so gently that Dean was almost convinced that he had imagined it. But, then it came again, harder and more insistent. _Is… Is Cas… kissing me?_

Dean felt a shiver shake his whole body when he felt a gentle tongue swipe across the pulse point in his throat. The feather light kisses were back after that, running across his throat and Dean lifted his chin to grant more access to the man wrapped around him. He should put a stop to this… really, probably. Cas was emotionally compromised right now, after all. He should say something… Definitely… 

He couldn’t seem to make his hands work though and simply closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Cas’s cool skin and slick tongue as it worked it’s way across his throat. Cas made his way towards his jaw and licked the sensitive spot below his ear. Dean drew in a deep breath at that and almost pulled away. Cas had lifted a hand to the other side of his jaw though and was holding him in place as he worked his way across the bolt of Dean’s jaw towards his chin.

Cas kissed the center of Dean’s chin before pulling back. Dean felt like he could breathe again and inhaled deeply. He looked down at Cas’s wide eyes and frowned slightly. He lifted his hands to ask Cas what was wrong, what was he doing, why did he stop…

He was stopped though when Cas swallowed convulsively and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were dark and sparked with a heat that Dean felt helpless under. “Dean… please…” Cas all but whispered to him. And how could he deny a request like that? Dean nodded slowly to Cas and smiled at him faintly. He ran a thumb across one of Cas’s cheekbones before mouthing, “Ok” at him.

Cas’s smile turned radiant, if maybe a little sad, before he tilted his head back and pressed against Dean again. Dean met him halfway and his eyes fell closed at the first brush of Cas’s lips against his own.

xxx

Cas shouldn’t be doing this. This was incredibly inappropriate. But, Dean felt so warm pressed against his front and he found that he was having trouble with higher level brain processing at the moment. He HAD asked Dean… well, he wasn’t sure exactly what he’d asked him, but his request had seemed plain enough to the other man. At the first brush of his lips against Dean’s, Cas knew that he was lost. He had thought that he was in love with this man before, but the feeling of Dean kissing him sweetly, willingly, it made his heart feel like it was going to beat out of his chest.

Cas had eagerly given himself over to the kiss, and though it was a little sloppy, like the previous time, it was slower and more gentle this time around. Cas’s hands wandered freely across Dean’s body, brushing against his shoulders, his cheeks, anywhere they could reach. He couldn’t seem to get close enough, touch enough of Dean’s skin to satisfy him. This would be… no, no he wasn’t going to get into that now. Yes, this would be the only time that he was going to get to do this, but… he didn’t want those thoughts to taint this moment. 

He pressed forward against Dean, chasing after the other man’s tongue as it retreated into his own mouth. He felt Dean smile against his lips. Dean wrapped strong arms around his back and pulled Cas more flush against him. He followed Dean backwards as the man laid back on the cushions of the couch. Cas braced his forearms on either side of Dean’s head and proceeded to place hot, open-mouthed kisses against the mechanic’s skin. Dean’s breath was unsteady as it went in and out of his lungs. Cas could feel it stutter and stop before being let out in a whoosh against his skin. It raised goosebumps up and down his arms and stirred something primal in his belly.

He pulled back slightly to look at Dean’s face. The man’s eyes were closed and his cheeks were burning hot as he panted into the air between them. His hands were gripped tightly at Cas’s hips and his thumbs were rubbing against the sensitive skin just above the waistline of Cas’s pants.

Dean opened his dazzling green eyes and focused them on Cas’s. He squirmed a little under Cas and wriggled his arms up and between them so that he could sign, albeit a little stuntedly.

”Ok?” He asked simply.

Cas merely nodded. He didn’t have words for how he was feeling, but ok paled in comparison to the roar of approval that was chasing it’s way through his body. He had wanted this for months and though he knew that he should be ashamed of himself for being so selfish, he couldn’t seem to stop himself now. Dean was willing and eager under him, he wasn’t taking advantage. And he… he needed this. He needed this one last bit of human contact before… It was selfish, but he WAS a demon after all.

”Tell me, if you aren’t.” Dean signed to him. 

“Of course, Dean.” Cas said solemnly. 

That seemed good enough for Dean who rose immediately after to claim Cas’s lips again. He placed both hands on either side of Cas’s face and Cas’s eyes fluttered closed. If he was a demon, then Dean was almost definitely his angel. One he didn’t and wouldn’t ever deserve.

They kissed feverishly for what felt like an eternity. The only sounds in the room the panting of their breaths and the slick, obscene smacking of their mouths against each other. Cas startled both of them when his hips bucked down into Dean’s own. A low moan ripped itself out of Cas’s throat and he experimentally thrust himself down again. Dean ran a hand up his back and gave an appreciative nip at his neck.

Cas was having a hard time focusing with Dean’s hot mouth on his skin and the feeling of Dean’s own erection lined up with his own. He gave a couple more short thrusts and relished in the feeling. It wasn’t enough though, he needed more skin. He needed more contact with Dean. He wanted this to last a long time, wanted it to last forever if he could. He wanted to live in this moment forever with Dean hard and eager under him and the feeling that they were the only people in the universe. 

He reached between them and put a hand under the hem of Dean’s shirt. He let his fingers play across the warped skin of Dean’s torso and he opened his eyes to watch the other man’s face for his reaction. Dean had stiffened barely at the first point of contact, but any hesitation disappeared under Cas’s gentle and questing fingers. Dean trusted him. He trusted that Cas would be good to him, wouldn’t mock him or be disgusted by him. That realization hit Cas like a steam engine and he felt struck with the enormity of it. Dean trusted him.

Dean opened his eyes and looked at Cas again. He looked happy, sated, his eyes were half-lidded and his mouth hung slack just so. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Dean gave him a small smile and arched up into Cas’s palm. Cas’s hips pushed forward slowly and ground against Dean’s and he watched the way Dean’s eyes fluttered closed at the feeling. The tendons in Dean’s neck flexed and Dad meant forward to run his tongue over one.

He repeated this a few more times before Dean lifted a hand and placed it over Cas’s wrist. He panted a couple of times before opening his eyes and pining Cas with a heated stare. “Bedroom” Dean mouthed at him and Cas nodded eagerly. The couch was comfortable, but a bed would provide them with more room. He wanted to feel EVERYTHING.

Cas rose quickly and helped pull Dean to his feet. They stumbled against one another for a moment and Cas felt a small laugh bubble to his lips. He felt a little delirious but happier than he’d ever experienced before. Dean wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him flush against his front. Dean was just a few inches taller than he was and he had to tilt his head up just a little to reach the man’s lips. It was a new angle and he loved every minute of it.

Dean only placed a few closed mouth kisses to his lips before he stepped away again and grabbed one of Cas’s hands. He laced their fingers and pressed their palms together as he lead the way to his bedroom. Cas had been in it a couple of times since Dean had moved but walking into it now felt… different. The room looked the same and yet, there was something different about being here under these circumstances. An anticipation in the air maybe, a movement of energy through air, he didn’t know. Dean stopped him at the foot of the bed and looked suddenly shy. Cas wondered at that, they’d already seen one another almost completely naked and they had certainly crossed over into intimate territory already. What could Dean be nervous about?

Dean unlaced his fingers from Cas’s and took a step back. ”I know you’ve… seen my scars. They uh, they…”

Cas held up a hand for Dean to stop and the man gulped before looking at the ground. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Dean. I want to see and feel every part of you... “ Cas replied to him simply. It didn’t even cross his mind to censor himself. He’d felt these words beating a tattoo against his heart for a long time, it was good to finally release them from his body. 

Dean had blushed crimson and Cas felt a smile curve his lips. _Oh, Dean…_ “Let me see you.” He asked simply.

Dean nodded with a crooked smile and undid the button for his jeans. Cas watched eagerly as the zipper was pulled down, the sound of the teeth moving against one another reverberated around the room loudly. His heart rate was so high that he worried he might pass out. This was so far removed from anything he’d ever done before that he marveled at every sound and action that passed between he and Dean. Dean bent forwards slowly as he pulled his jeans from his legs. Cas’s mouth felt incredibly dry and his breathing had become shallow. 

Dean righted himself with a cocky smirk and raised expectant eyebrows to Cas. Oh, right! He was supposed to be undressing as well! He reached down to the hem of his shirt and pulled it swiftly over his head. It wasn’t nearly as sexy as what Dean had done, mostly because in his haste to remove the shirt he managed to get it caught around his head for a moment. He finally wrestled it away to find Dean in front of him with mirth in his eyes.

Dean grinned at him widely before offering a hand towards him. Cas took it slowly, and allowed himself to be pulled against Dean’s chest. His shirt was still on and the fabric rubbed against Cas’s bare chest tantalizingly. He leaned forwards to brush his lips against Dean’s and nipped gently at the bottom of the man’s lips. Dean’s breath hitched slightly and Cas felt a confidence that no virgin SHOULD feel. He reached forward with deft fingers and grasped the hem of Dean’s shirt. He began to lift is slowly, giving Dean time to stop him if he wanted. Dean didn’t, and instead simply lifted his arms so that Cas could peel the fabric the rest of the way up. Cas’s eyes trailed down Dean’s torso briefly before landing on the pendant that he’d given him. It warmed something in Cas’s heart to know that Dean had continued to wear it under his clothes. It meant that he had taken Cas at his word and was willing to wear the protection sigil. Though, Dean wasn’t aware that what he was really wearing was Cas’s name, but CAS knew. Cas met Dean’s eye for a moment, both seemed to be weighing the situation. Dean gave him a small smile and Cas gave him a small nod and then they were back on one another. 

Cas’s hands had a mind of their own and were roving endlessly over the exposed skin of Dean’s torso. He’d been dreaming about this feeling for what felt like years. The smooth and supple skin of Dean’s left side and the gnarled and taut skin of his right. It all fell under Cas’s eager touch and he let his fingers drink their fill of the mechanics skin.

Dean was mouthing along his neck and down to his collar bones and Cas learned very quickly that he was VERY sensitive where his shoulder met his neck. He came to this realization as Dean laid a very gentle, but very insistent bite onto the skin there. Cas gasped against Dean’s hair and shuddered in response. Dean seemed to take that cue as an invitation and began licking and nipping his way down Cas’s front. When the broad swipe of a tongue painted itself over one of his nipples, Cas’s knees all but gave out on him. 

Dean was there however and simply wrapped a strong arm around Cas’s waist. Years of hard manual labor had toned Dean for more than Cas had anticipated. He was VERY grateful for it. Dean continued his path downwards and even stopped to lick into Cas’s belly button which made him giggle. He honest to Chuck giggled, what was happening to him? Dean paused at edge of Cas’s jeans and looked up at him through his eyelashes. Cas didn’t think he’d ever seen anything quite so erotic. Dean still had his boxers on, but he was on his knees, mostly nude and looking up at Cas as if asking permission to take off his pants. If he wasn’t a millenia old creature, that heated stare alone would probably be his undoing. As it was, he WAS a millenia old creature, and he managed to keep himself together, but only just.

He gave Dean a shaky nod and the man grinned wickedly from his position on the floor. He leaned forward and nosed against Cas’s erection where it was clearly visible from within his jeans. Cas’s hand immediately shot forwards and fisted in Dean’s hair on reflex. Dean continued to nuzzle him through his jeans like some overly large cat. Cas threw his head back and closed his eyes against the sensation. 

That was probably why he didn’t notice when Dean stood in a one fluid movement and took Cas right along with him. As Dean had stood, he’d placed large palms on the back of Cas’s thighs and simply hefted him upwards. Cas had yelped pitifully before he found his legs wrapped around Dean’s torso. He glanced around and sure enough, he was no longer in contact with the floor. Dean grinned at him mischievously before pressing kisses against his neck again. Maybe he’d underestimated Dean’s strength, because Cas was not a small man.

Dean walked them over to the bed and deposited a startled Cas across the mattress. He laid him out and ran rough hands over Cas’s chest and down his sides. He swiped a thumb across a nipple and Cas arched upwards violently. 

“Dean…” He whispered desperately. He didn’t know what he was asking for, but Dean seemed to because his fingers trailed down Cas’s body before stopping at the button on his jeans. He made quick work of undoing them and pulling them gently down Cas’s legs and Cas shivered against the feeling of the cool air on his newly exposed skin. 

Dean ran his hot palms up Cas’s thighs and up the edge of Cas’s boxer briefs. He thumbed slow circles against the sensitive skin of Cas’s inner thighs and Cas shivered again. He wanted this, now. Dean stepped back from him slightly and Cas’s eyes flew to him. Dean was stripping himself slowly of his underwear and Cas propped himself up on his elbows to watch. Dean stepped neatly from the puddle of his last remaining article of clothing and looked at Cas with a warm expression. His cock jutted forward and the sight of it could have made him weep. Dean was so beautiful. His member was thick, slightly shorter than his own and hung just slightly to the left. Cas couldn’t help but stare, and Dean didn’t seem to mind so he took in his fill. He was particularly interested in a large vein that wrapped around the shaft and Cas wondered obscenely what it would taste like on his tongue.

After a time, Dean came forwards again and placed his hands on the waistband of Cas’s own underwear. Cas knew his intentions immediately and lifted his hips to help facilitate their removal. He wanted Dean’s skin back on him. He wanted to wrap a hand around that remarkable cock and he wanted to feel Dean’s breath hitching against him. 

Dean eyed him once he was fully nude and Cas watched as the man licked quickly against his lower lip. He felt a brief smug satisfaction at that but waited for Dean to move again. He had let Cas look, it seemed only fair. Dean ran his hands back up Cas’s thighs again, except this time he didn’t stop to rub his thumbs against Cas’s skin. They skated upwards until the pads of his fingers ghosted against Cas’s length. He shuddered and dropped off his elbows to lay back fully on the bed. He tilted his head down so that he could see what was happening, but he was mostly content to enjoy the sensations.

Dean’s hands were warm and sure as they worked over him. He felt the brush of a thumb on the underside of his cock, just under the head and he felt a shudder run through him. Dean knew what he was doing and Cas was happy to let him do it. The feelings were unlike anything he’d come across before. He’d touched himself when he was on his own, but it had NEVER been like this. The feeling of having another person touch him so intimately was incomparable. The fact that the other person was Dean made it almost impossible to think of anything else.

Dean had a calloused hand stroking his length in a gentle rhythm while his other rubbed gently against Cas’s stomach, his thighs, his testicles, anything they could reach. Cas looked down and watched as a bead of precum built up at the slit of the head, that Dean swiped to collect before using it to ease his stroking. Cas wished momentarily for Dean to have a voice, for him to be able to speak encouraging words and to talk him through this. But, the thought was gone almost immediately. Dean was encouraging him, he was helping him through this, he didn’t need words for that.

Cas reached forward and held his arms out then. He needed Dean’s mouth on his own. Dean must have understood because he rose on his haunches slowly and leaned forwards. He paused with a hand braced near Cas’s head. Dean snuck his legs upwards, which caused Cas’s own to spread and part and he wished that he had the ability to be embarrassed about being so exposed but he didn’t. Dean had him and he would be good to him.

Dean lined his own erection up next to Cas’s then before leaning down to cover Cas’s mouth with his own. He set up a steady pace for the two of them, one that Cas could follow. They kissed lazily while Dean taught him the right way to move his hips. Dean’s skin felt like a wildfire under his hands and Cas couldn’t get enough of it. He breathed heavily while Dean kissed slowly along the length of his jaw. Cas’s cock was throbbing almost painfully and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to do this for very much longer. There was a fire in his belly hot enough to match Dean’s skin and he knew that he was close. He wanted to say something to Dean but he didn’t have the words.

Dean must have sensed something though, because he pulled back and planted a hand next to Cas’s shoulder before reaching between them. He caught his own hard length in his fist and the sight of it nearly sent Cas over the edge. He’d often fantasized about what Dean would look like with his own dick in his hand. But, the thought was mostly aborted when Dean’s fingers wrapped around Cas’s length as well. He had both of them in hand and pulled them slowly upward with a firm hand. 

Cas had not anticipated this turn of events and he sighed deeply into his fist. He turned eager eyes back to Dean’s hand as it fisted the two of them together steadily up and down. Dean seemed transfixed by the sight as well because his eyes were trained on the gentle pull of his hands on their skin. Cas’s eye caught again on the pendant around Dean’s neck. It was swaying back and forth in time to Dean’s hand movements and the sight of his name around the mechanic’s neck sent a spear of heat through him. 

“Fuck, Dean…” The words were mostly ripped from his throat, he hadn’t meant to speak them. “Of, fuck, fuck… fu-Dean!”

Dean’s pacing had picked up and the heat in Cas’s belly flared almost immediately. He was minutes, no, no, he was seconds away from… He felt the warm, wet heat of his orgasm as it painted itself across his belly. He arched his back against the feel of it and let his body ride the sensation out. It wasn’t long after that he felt a secondary heat across him that must mean Dean had come as well. He watched the other man’s face as it tightened and then loosened, the expression relaxing as his fist pumped them both slowly through their orgasms. His fist was coated in their semen and something about the idea that their come had mixed together on Dean’s fist was so erotic that Cas felt a few more weak pumps leave his dick. 

Dean’s hand slowed until it stopped and they both lay their panting and looking at the cooling mess on their bodies. Finally, Dean turned to meet Cas’s eyes, his expression a little wary. Cas wondered why that was but he ignored it in favor of smiling. That had been… there weren’t words for it. It had been perfect, it had been everything.

Dean propped himself up on his elbows against and looked at Dean searchingly. “Thank you, Dean…” He whispered. His voice was quieter and more hoarse than he had planned but he ignored it. “Thank you so much.”

Dean seemed a little startled at that but he smiled and blushed across his cheeks. He nodded once to Cas before leaning forward and kissing him sweetly. Cas allowed himself to linger in that moment, really memorize the feelings around him, sear them into his memory. Dean’s breath hot and sweet on his face, his lips plump and kiss-swollen, his softening member held in the hand of the man that he loved. It was everything he never deserved

Dean pulled back then and gave him an odd look. He nosed against Cas’s cheek and Cas felt a wetness brush against him. He lifted a hand to his face and touched it. He was crying? He rubbed at the moisture and closed his eyes tightly. He couldn’t do this now, he couldn’t ruin this moment with tears, with feelings of inadequacy. Dean deserved better than that.

“I’m fine, it’s just… a lot.” He said lamely. Dean seemed to understand though because he nodded and kissed Cas again gently. 

He moved away then and made his way into the bathroom, probably to clean himself up. He came back a moment later with a warm and damp washcloth and proceeded to clean the semen from Cas’s belly and his softened dick. He let himself be drawn into being cared for. Dean placed soft kisses onto the skin that he had wiped clean before tossing the washcloth away into the clothes hamper. He tugged Cas upwards until he was laying with his head on a pillow. He smiled at the man as he positioned the sheets and the blankets around them before he curled into Cas’s side and placed his head on Cas’s chest. 

Cas should have known that Dean would be a cuddler, everything about the man screamed touch-starved. He felt privileged to be the one holding onto him. He didn’t deserve any of this with Dean, not his friendship, not his loyalty, and certainly not this. But, he allowed himself this indulgence, just this once. Just this one moment to hold onto for the rest of eternity.

He inhaled deeply and caught the faint whiff of Dean’s shampoo and smiled against the man’s scalp. Just one moment to hold onto forever, that’s all he needed. Cas nuzzled his nose into Dean’s hair and relaxed against him. He wanted to tell Dean how he felt, wanted to let the other man know how much he meant to him. But… he’d been selfish enough when it came to Dean. He couldn’t add that extra layer of betrayal to this interaction. So, he did something simple. Something human, something that Dean wouldn’t even know about.

Cas mouthed silently into Dean’s hair, let his lips ghost over the silken strands and the warm scalp of the man that he’d fallen hopelessly head over heels with. “I love you.” he uttered silently into the warm air of the bedroom. He breathed silently and prayed that Dean wouldn’t notice the movement of lips in his hair. That silent declaration was all that he could offer Dean, and though it wouldn’t ever be enough. It was all that he had.

He wasn’t pretending anymore. He was human in every way that mattered to him. And being human was better and worse than he’d ever imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't LOVE how the beginning of this chapter came out but there wasn't much I could do fix it. And be gentle with me, I've never written actual smut before haha! Let me know what you think! I updated the chapter index, there's 4 left! Next chapter on Saturday. Kisses!


	13. It's Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a day late, I went out of town this weekend. This is a big one.

Dean found himself at Bobby’s house. He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten here but that seemed an insignificant detail at the moment. He was inside Bobby’s shop and had on some work clothes. He must have been out here working on Cas’s gift! It was still fairly cold out, so he held his hands closer to the heater on the floor. How much more work did he have to do? Christmas was coming up after all, he needed to get that wing finished before they had the party. 

He turned towards the work table and frowned in confusion. He didn’t remember designing the wing this way… Stretched out in front him in was a scaly bat-like wing on the table in Bobby’s shop. Hadn’t he meant to make an angel wing? Or a bird one anyway… Whose wing was this?

He reached out a hand tentatively and ran his fingers down the length of one side. He carved in the details of a few scales and even the veins in the webbing of the wing. He’d done a very good job, but he didn’t remember changing the design… Though, the more he thought about it, this design seemed to fit Cas pretty well too. Almost BETTER than the feathered one he’d had planned. He must have just forgotten that he’d changed the design, that was alright. It looked like it was ready to paint anyway, he better get to work!

Dean was woken slowly by the feeling of a cool breeze brushing against his skin. It felt calming and he enjoyed the sensation, but he wasn’t used to feeling a breeze at night. Had he left a window open? He came to groggily and almost elbowed the face of the person in bed next him. _Oh shit!_ He thought at the last second. He frowned at the dark head of hair from where it peeked out over the blankets pulled up around it.

_Cas…?_ The memory from last night hit him like a sucker punch and he blinked blearily a couple of times to try to clear the fog from his brain. Oh! Ohohohoh! He and Cas had… Oh wow… He’d forgotten for a minute. He smiled a small private smile to himself. He wasn’t sure how he could ever forget that though. He nosed down and pressed a delicate kiss to a tiny uncovered part of Cas’s forehead. He must have been woken by Cas’s fingers on him, the guy was like an icebox even under all these covers. Dean probably should have made him put some clothes back on before getting into bed, but the thought of sleeping next to a fully naked Cas had been too good to pass up. 

Dean tried to slink quietly from the bed so as not to disturb its other occupant. It was probably around 3 in the morning right now, and neither of them had anywhere to be tomorrow. He wanted Cas to get as much sleep as he could and maybe they could have a lazy round two in the morning. He made his way to the bathroom on quiet feet and tried to stifle a yawn at the doorway. He just needed a quick piss and then he could wrap himself around his angel in the bed. His angel… His Cas… 

Cas had been absolutely stunning last night. He’d given and accepted and for someone who obviously wasn’t all that experienced he didn’t seem shy or anything. Dean had been expecting some blushing and maybe some attempts at covering himself but no… Cas had been excited and eager and those hands… He shivered at the memory. Hell, he’d been the one to get a case of the nerves out of nowhere! Cas knew what he looked like shirtless, what had gotten into him?

_You’re madly in love with him and worried that he would think you were ugly._ His super helpful brain supplied to him. He rolled his eyes at himself and made quick work of washing his hands. He slunk from the bathroom and tip-toed his way back into the bedroom. Cas hadn’t moved in the slightest and Dean smiled at the tuft of black hair he could see. 

He lifted the edge of the blankets carefully and slipped onto the mattress as unobtrusively as he could. Cas stirred only slightly and Dean turned so that his back was facing the other man. He wriggled his way backwards until he could feel Cas’s body against his own and waited a moment. Cas seemed to sense that he was there, or perhaps he was just sensing a greater source of heat because he unfurled himself and wrapped his arms tightly around Dean’s body. Dean smiled fondly and settled himself back against the cool pressure of Cas’s chest. _I have to be in Heaven right now, there’s no other explanation for this feeling._

He fell back asleep with a smile on his face and didn’t remember his dreams the next morning. He woke much later than he normally would have and blinked blearily around himself. The bed felt much warmer than it had last night and he frowned at that. A quick glance around was confirmation that he was alone and he frowned. 

_Where the hell is Cas?_

The smell of coffee drifted to his nose then and he smiled appreciatively. While he HAD been hoping to give Cas a blowjob for breakfast, he could settle for a cup of coffee and maybe a lazy handjob in the kitchen. Or… well, the counters in the kitchen were pretty high, he could easily plop a naked Cas down on the counter and blow him right there. Oh, yes, that sounded perfect. 

With that cheerful thought in mind, he hopped out of bed and made his way into the bathroom for a quick teeth brushing and an even quicker shower. He pulled on a loose pair of sweatpants and nothing else as he made his way into the kitchen. He peeked around the corner to see a sleep tousled head of black hair. Cas was leaning a hip against a counter and Dean felt his mouth water at the sight. Cas had pulled on one of Dean’s hoodies, an old one that he hadn’t worn in years, his own underwear from last night and a pair a plain black socks. He looked cosy and he looked domestic and dammit if he didn’t look perfect in Dean’s kitchen. He was blowing on a cup of coffee and Dean watched his lips form an “o” to breathe out the air to cool the drink. He wanted those lips on him, immediately.

He padded into the kitchen, though was careful that he wasn’t too quiet, he didn’t want to startle the man and make him spill his coffee down his front. Cas turned towards him, his startlingly blue eyes looked owlish and Dean smiled at him. Cas gave him a shy smile and gestured towards a cup of coffee on the counter. He had made Dean a mug as well, damn perfect bastard.

Dean sauntered towards it and sipped the hot liquid briefly. It was perfect, no surprise there. Cas always DID remember small details, like how Dean liked his coffee. He eyed the man over the rim of his mug and watched as Cas continued to blow on his own. He wondered if this should feel awkward. Mornings after usually felt awkward right? He hadn’t had one in a while but he remembered them being that way. But, this was Cas and this was him and there was no reason for anything awkward to pass between them. They’d done this same routine before, though without the sex part first. 

He grinned wolfishly and stepped forward, crowding Cas against the counter behind him. He placed his mug down behind him and pushed his hips flush against the other man’s. Cas’s eyes fluttered closed and his cup tipped forwards, close enough that Dean had to rescue it from his hands before it spilled over the both of them.

He waited for Cas to open his eyes and look at him before he smiled and dropped a kiss to his lips. ”Good morning, Angel. I missed you.”

Cas looked at him in confusion as Dean stole another kiss. “Dean, we were just in bed together, we haven’t been apart enough for you to miss me.” His sentence was halted because Dean kept dropping kisses to his lips every couple of words. Dean nuzzled down into the other man’s neck and he felt Cas laugh a little at the feeling of his early morning scruff on the sensitive skin there.

“You’re impossible.” Cas said around a laugh.

Dean rolled his eyes but kissed him again soundly on the lips. He stepped back and grabbed his cup of coffee again. Cas seemed a little befuddled and Dean smirked at the look on his face. He waited until Cas had scrunched his nose and grabbed his own cup again before asking him how he slept.

“Well, thank you. Very well actually. You?” 

”The same.” They sipped their drinks in a companionable silence for a time before Dean signed with a yawn. ”What do you wanna do today?”

Cas was silent at that. He was looking into his cup as if it held answers and Dean frowned at him. Had Dean done something to upset him? Was he regretting it? Was he about to tell Dean that it was nice but they should stay friends? Cas had seemed all for what they had done last night, and even seemed happy enough about it this morning. But, maybe… Maybe he wasn’t… 

“I actually had a few things to do at home today. I needed to make a few phone calls. Gabriel… is expecting to hear from me. I’m afraid if I don’t check in he’ll stop by unannounced again…” He looked upset and Dean felt for him. He DEFINITELY didn’t want Gabriel popping in again, in fact the idea of it was enough to get his blood boiling. He could understand why Cas looked uncomfortable now. He probably didn’t want to talk to Gabe and probably didn’t want to mention it to Dean after what happened last time. 

Dean nodded to him encouragingly. ”Sure thing, man. I can take you home in a bit?”

“Yes, please, thank you.” Cas said into his mug. 

Dean smiled at him. ”Come here, handsome.” Dean signed before setting his mug down again. He needed to get that apprehensive look off of his face. He pulled Cas against him and set about kissing the taste of coffee from his lips. He would have been content to put his blowjob-on-the-kitchen-counter plan into action then but the shrill sound of his phone going off distracted him.

Who could possibly be texting him now? He sighed in apology and gave Cas a kiss at his temple. He considered ignoring it, but he rarely got a message this early in the morning and it would probably be a good idea to make sure it was nothing major.

It was from Sam.

**Sam: DUDE! SOS! Puppy got out and we can’t find her! Can you plz plz come over to help look?**

Dean sighed heavily. Sam had just finally gotten around to finding a dog a few weeks ago and so far she had been hell on paws for them. The was her third break out, little thing was a damn Houdini with fur. He glanced backwards at where Cas was looking out his kitchen window in thought. He’d have to table to the kitchen blowjob for now. Damn dog.

**Dean: sure thing man give me a few to get ovr ther**

He tossed his phone down and didn’t wait for a reply. He had to take Cas home first but he knew how worried Sam must have gotten about that dog by now. He and Jess hadn’t even picked out a name for her yet, they just kept calling her puppy. Maybe that was part of their problem. They couldn’t hope to train her without having something to call her by. He rolled his eyes to himself. It was probably a good thing they hadn’t gotten a dog before now, Sam was woefully unprepared for pet ownership.

”Sorry Cas, Sam’s mutt got out of the yard again. Mind if I take you home soon? Or you can come with if you feel like dog wrangling?” He wanted Cas to come with but he knew that scouring the neighborhood for a loose animal wasn’t anyone’s idea of a good time.

Cas seemed to contemplate for a moment and Dean commended him for that. “I think I should probably go home for now. Get those errands out of the way.”

Dean nodded a couple of times in understanding. He turned and headed back to the bedroom to get changed and Cas followed behind him. He hoped that Cas would keep the hoodie. Dean never wore it and it looked good on him. He decided to offer it if Cas tried to take it off. He didn’t though. Cas simply pulled on his jeans and walked back out of the room. He was so distracted it seemed that he had forgotten his shirt all together. Dean catalogued where it lay on his floor and smiled at it. He’d wash it with his own clothes later. That thought gave him a tiny thrill of excitement. 

It took them another ten minutes to collect their things and they kissed slowly for a good 5 of those minutes. Dean bundled them in the car and held out a hand for Cas to take across the seat of the Impala. Cas hesitated for a brief moment before cupping his palm around Dean’s and smiling warmly at him. Dean felt a fullness in his heart and let the feeling shine through in his expression. He couldn’t ever remember being this happy before. 

He drove them silently to Cas’s apartment and allowed himself to rub a thumb against the back of Cas’s hand. He’d been thinking about doing this for months and so he was eager to get in every possible sensation he could while they were together. He didn’t know if Cas wanted this to be forever or not, but HE certainly did. He smiled to himself as they pulled up in front of Cas’s building. They’d have time to talk about whatever this was later but there was no rush on that. 

”Will you text me later?” He asked eagerly.

Cas nodded though there was a sad glint in his eye. “Of course, Dean. Good luck with the dog. I l-I’ll miss you.” He cheeks burned red at that last part and Dean smiled so widely it hurt his cheeks.

”I’ll miss you too.” He pulled Cas forward and gave him a few gentle kisses. He rested his forehead against the other man’s and inhaled deeply. This was just perfection. He was sad to see Cas go, but finally being able to touch the man after so many months of dreaming was incredible. He pulled back slightly and signed to him with a warm grin. ”Bye, Angel.”

Cas gave him a funny look then, something sad, something searching. But, when he blinked it was gone. Maybe he’d imagined it?

“Goodbye, Dean.” 

xxx

Cas had woken that morning happy and comfortable. His bed wasn’t nearly this soft. It wasn’t nearly this warm either. It took a few minutes before he was finally awake enough to remember what had happened. And when he did, the sheer enormity of the recollection felt like a punch to the chest. He’d been intimate with Dean. Which meant, that the warm weight nestled against his back… He focused on the sensation and halted his own breathing.

Dean’s chest was pressed against his back and Cas closed his eyes to memorize the feeling. The man was like an oven and it felt absolutely incredible. Cas was used to waking up cold most of the time and to wake warm like this was such a novel feeling that he wanted to soak it in while he could. He and Dean had been together last night, truly together, in the way that Cas had been dreaming of for months. He hadn’t planned it, but after his bought with hysteria last night he’d needed the comfort of touch. And it had simply gotten out of hand. He should have stopped himself, he shouldn’t have asked Dean to… well, he shouldn’t have let it go that far.

But, having Dean’s gentle breaths puffing against the back of his head was making it difficult for Cas to berate himself TOO much. Dean had been welcoming and eager and hadn’t seemed like Cas was forcing him. Maybe he hadn’t? Maybe Dean wanted it as much as he did? Though, Dean didn’t necessarily know what it was he took to bed last night… The thought of his deception made his stomach churn uncomfortably. He shouldn’t have allowed that to happen. He had wanted it so badly that he’d let his better judgement fall by the wayside. _Maybe I’m a true demon after all…_ He thought bitterly. _I was certainly looking after my own best interests last night… I can’t keep doing this to him._

Cas had slunk from the bed on the thought, careful not to disturb Dean. He wanted the man to get as much sleep as he could, he was going to have a hard week, whether he knew it or not. He wasn’t overly worried though, Cas was just a blip in Dean’s life, the mechanic would move on quickly.

He padded to Dean’s closet and searched the hangers for something warm to wear. He didn’t think Dean would mind, he rarely ever wore anything very heavy, so when he pulled a faded hoodie from the back of the closet and tossed it on, he felt very little guilt. He pulled on his boxer briefs from the previous night and a pair of socks he found in one of Dean’s drawers. He hated snooping but he wasn’t sure where his own had gotten too. He decided to forgo pants, he didn’t particularly like wearing them and the hoodie offered enough heat that he wasn’t uncomfortable.

He made his way silently to the kitchen. He had considered briefly just leaving that morning, but had quickly banished the idea. It would be unnecessarily cruel to do that to Dean, he didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. So, he decided to make coffee instead. It was a peace offering, of sorts. Though, Dean wouldn’t know that. He prepared his own and sipped for it for a few minutes before getting a cup around for Dean. Dean had a keen nose for when caffeine was in the air and Cas knew it wouldn’t be long before the man had followed the smell of it to the kitchen.

He had time to think while he waited. He had formed a loose plan last night, it had been cobbled together feverishly under the stress of the movie they’d watched and then the aftermath of their sweat soaked evening together. He had been selfish to take Dean that way, yes. But… he’d been saying goodbye. He realized now that… he couldn’t stay here any longer. He couldn’t allow his association with Dean to taint the man any more than it likely already had. Dean deserved far more than Cas, someone better, someone good and pure and whole. Cas was none of those things and he couldn’t keep putting Dean’s soul in jeopardy like this. And the others as well, his friends, his family here, they were suffering because of their association with him whether they knew it or not. No, he needed to go. He had selfishly taken something from Dean last night that he should never have allowed and now… Now, it was time to pay the penalty for that.

He sighed deeply into his mug when he heard footsteps coming towards him. Dean was up and Cas tried not to tense at the interaction they were about to have. He hoped at least, that Dean wasn’t angry with him for what had happened. He really hadn’t meant for any of it, but… he didn’t regret, not really. 

He shouldn’t have worried though, this was Dean after all. The man was wearing a loose pair of sweats and dammit if his body wasn’t the most glorious thing Cas had ever seen, scars and all. He pressed himself flush with Cas and told him that he’d missed him. Cas smiled to himself bitterly. He had let it go too far, he had let this situation get out of hand. 

Things were more comfortable than he’d anticipated. Almost like they belonged here in this kitchen together. There was no hesitation, no shy glances, no mumbled apologies. Everything felt… perfect. Cas hated himself all the more for it. Dean stepped aside and checked a message at one point and Cas took the opportunity to gather his resolve. He hated lying to Dean, hated that he had to make up some excuse about errands. Yes, he wanted to spend the entire day here, wanted to spend the rest of his life here! But… he had at best, 2 or 3 months, and that wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t ever been enough time to be here. 

As luck would have it, Dean had to leave anyway. Sam’s dog, which Cas had thankfully not met yet, had escaped its yard. Dean may have complained about the animal on numerous occasions but it was obvious that he was worried about her, just like Sam was. Cas wanted to linger, wanted to go ahead and try and capture the errant creature, just to squeeze out a few more hours with Dean. But, it would be better to get this over with he decided. If he stayed much longer, he may never be able to leave.

The ride to Cas’s apartment was mostly silent, though he and Dean held hands the entire time. Cas felt a sorrow welling up in his breast that he hadn’t ever experienced before. It was regret, grief, longing, it was everything. He wanted to badly to be here… He glanced sideways at the broad shouldered man next to him. Dean had a half-smile on his lips and his eyes were crinkled in the corners. He looked happy. Cas felt his chest tighten at the sight. Dean was happy here with him. Fuck, he needed to get out of here.

Thankfully, they got the Cas’s apartment just as the feelings in his chest became overwhelming. He promised to text Dean later and was in such an emotionally vulnerable state that he almost told Dean that he loved him. He pulled back at the last second though, and managed to tell him truthfully, that he’d miss him. Dean thought it was just for the day, maybe even only a few hours. He didn’t know…

They kissed sweetly, Cas lingered on the edge of the kiss as long as he could. He wanted to memorize the feeling of Dean’s lips touching his own. The feeling of the man’s hands on him. He wanted to remember everything. Dean pulled back eventually though and rested his foreheads against Cas’s. Cas adamantly refused to cry right now, he was a demon. Demon’s didn’t cry. Only… was he more human now? Humans would likely cry in this situation, right?

Cas pulled back and searched Dean’s face. He took a final look at the man’s soul as it flared brightly and happily around him. One last look at the soft smile and green eyes that he’d fallen so completely for. One last look at his family, at his home. 

”Bye, Angel.”

“Goodbye, Dean.”

xxx

Dean cupped a hand in front of his face and yawned into his palm. He was exhausted both physically and emotionally from last night. He’d gotten something with Cas that he hadn’t ever thought would be possible and he was still riding the high from that. He was on the way to Sam’s house but wasn’t thinking much about it. He had the city memorized and it didn’t require much thought to get from here to there for him. He was thankful for it now, because he was busy replaying everything that had happened the night before.

Cas had been so absolutely distraught after leaving the theatre and Dean had felt like an ass for taking him in the first place. Cas hadn’t ever seemed interested in movies all that much, especially horror movies so he figured Cas would just humor him and then they’d laugh about it later. He KNEW that “The Exorcist” was scary, even if you didn’t startle easily, but Cas always seemed so stoic… Then he’d had the panic attack and Dean had felt honest to God physical pain at watching his best friend go through that. He knew how horrible it felt after all. 

The rest had felt like a blur to be honest. The cartoon, the drinks, the hug, the gentle kisses, and then Cas’s soft “please…” He shivered at the ghosted feeling of those feather light touches of Cas’s soft lips against his neck. It hadn’t been perfect and it hadn’t been how he would have planned it out if they’d gone on a real date. But, maybe that was better for them. It had been fragile and it had been emotional but it had felt right, perfect even. That’s how things had always felt with Cas, slightly off-kilter but so so right all the time. It made sense that their physical intimacy would follow the same pattern. 

And Dean could do it right the next time around. He’d ask Cas on a date! A real one! They’d go out to a nice dinner, maybe with some cheesy candles, a nighttime country drive, and they’d come back to Dean’s place and put on some music that neither of them would listen too and kiss sweetly and happily before falling into bed. Cas deserved some romance and Dean was more than happy to give it to him. He smiled to himself, he had the next few hours at least, to plan. Maybe longer, depending on how long Cas’s errands took! What restaurant should they go too…?

He mused on options for the rest of his drive to Sam’s and all but hopped out of the car with a spring in his step. Sam keyed into his attitude almost immediately. The little shit. He straightened from where he was hunched over some bushes in front of their house and raised a questioning eyebrow at his older brother as Dean exited his car.

Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother before a playful smirk lifted the corners of his mouth. “Good date?” He asked simply.

Dean wrinkled his nose at his brother and rolled his eyes. ”It wasn’t a date. How many times have I told you…?”

Sam repeated his eyeroll and his smile broadened. “Sure thing, bud. But, I know that face and I can tell that you had a good night, date or not.” He bent back down to inspect the bushes a little more closely, obviously searching for his dog. He spoke again with his back to Dean, “About time, really. We’ve been taking bets on how long you and Cas would dance around each other. I think Charlie ended up being closest…”

Dean’s shoulders tensed and he sneered at Sam’s back. He couldn’t sign anything to him without Sam looking but his flipped him off with both hands to make himself feel better at least. Jess walked onto the porch while Dean’s hands were raised and she smiled at him sweetly.

“Charlie won, huh?” She asked her husband with a small smile.

”Oh, fuck you both!” Dean signed in agitation. Jess laughed at him and Dean felt a smile curl his lips. 

“Come on, we need a game plan to find this damn dog.” Jess said, a smile obvious in her voice. 

He and Sam traipsed up the steps into the house and Sam wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. Dean gave him a gentle elbow in the ribs and they smiled again. _God damn, I’m so fucking lucky to have these two._ Dean thought happily. It looked like for the first time in his life, things were pretty close to perfect.

xxx

The phone rang shrilly in his ear. Cas had an arm wrapped around his waist and the other held his phone tightly against his ear. Dean had just dropped him off and Cas had taken a few minutes to collect himself and steel his resolve before he could change his mind. He needed to get this over with before he made any more bad decisions.

“Come on, come on…” He muttered in irritation. He paced his apartment with tight steps and hunched shoulders. Gabriel NEVER took this long to answer.

Just as Cas was about to hang up and throw his phone across the room, the sound of the line connecting stopped him. “What’s up, little bro?” Gabriel’s cheerful voice called out to him.

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes tightly. “Gabriel… I-I’m ready to go.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone and Cas wondered if Gabe had heard him. He opened his mouth to repeat himself but was cut short by a barked, “What!” on the other end of the line.

“I’m ready to go. I can’t… I can’t do anything else up here. I… I need help, Gabe.” Cas knew that his voice sounded weak and he hated himself for it. Demon, indeed. He wasn’t demon OR human now, just some abomination between the two.

Silence again, but he waited this time. Finally, a heavy sigh met his ears and he could picture Gabriel pinching the bridge of his nose in agitation. “Give me a little bit.” And then a click as the line went dead. Gabe had hung up on him rather abruptly, but that was okay. He was coming. He would take them both back into the Pit. Cas felt a cold descend over him and he ran a shaking hand through his hair. This was for the best. He needed to get out of here, needed to spare these people any more interactions with him. 

He had sullied them merely by associating with them. He was a DEMON. What had he even been thinking! He’d ruined all of them, Charlie, Jo, Jess, Sam and… Dean. He’d tainted them with his filth. Why had it taken him so long to realize? How could he have been so naive?

He spent the next half hour torturing himself with these thoughts, pacing his apartment and pulling at his hair. He managed to wander his way back into his bedroom at some point and he stood at the foot of his bed for a long time. His eyes were trained on the large black wing that hung on the wall and he felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. 

_I’m so sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry everyone. I made a mistake… I made a huge mistake…_

It was while he was staring at the Christmas gift, his favorite, the one he’d never be seeing again, when the loud POP! Of Gabe appearing startled him. He’d known Gabe was coming, it shouldn’t have spooked him. But, with that sound came the knowledge that he was really leaving. This was the last time he’d ever see this apartment, the last he’d ever see of Earth. He hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye to the others… Though at least… At least, he’d said goodbye to Dean, though the other man hadn’t known that he’d meant forever.

Gabe glanced around the room, nonplussed, when his eyes landed on the wing on the wall. His lip curled in irritation at it and he turned honey gold eyes back to Cas. “Well?” He asked as he crossed his arms.

Cas felt nervous. This was it. Gabe could just kill him right here, he’d never make it back to the Pit, wouldn’t have to live for eternity with the weight of what he’d done. Maybe that would be better… 

He swallowed convulsively and closed his eyes. He had to do this, he’d made the call, he had made his bed, now he needed to lie in it. “I can’t do anything else up here. I’m sorry, I know I’ve let you down and I’m willing to suffer the consequences of that.” Cas was unwilling to tell Gabe exactly WHY he couldn’t do anything else up here. Maybe he wouldn’t need too.

“How many more souls do you have?” Gabe was sucking on his teeth thoughtfully and had narrowed his eyes at Cas. 

Cas looked off and to the side and bit his lip. “None.” He said simply.

Gabe’s eyes widened in surprise at that and he dropped his arms to his sides. “...None? None! You haven’t gotten any more souls since I was here last? Cas… it’s been MONTHS! What the hell happened to that super dreamy soul you were so enamored with?”

Cas felt a blush heat his cheeks at Gabe’s words. He wouldn’t admit to what happened with Dean, it wasn’t any of his business after all. “It was a lost cause… He couldn’t be corrupted.”

Gabe’s eyebrows rose into his hairline and Cas cringed inwardly. An explosion was imminent, he knew it. He’d known Gabriel for longer than he could remember, he might be Cas’s favorite brother but his mood swings were known throughout all of Hell. Cas sighed sadly.

Gabe pursed his lips and looked around the room again. His eyes landed again on the black wing and widened for a moment. He lifted his nose into the air and sniffed delicately. “Oh Cassie… You didn’t…” He took another couple of sniffs of the air and closed his eyes in irritation. “You’re in love with that human aren’t you?” He asked resignedly.

Cas balked at that and pulled back slightly. How did he know… “Of course not, Gabriel, don’t be ridiculous!” He said quickly, too quickly more than likely.

Gabe pierced him with a steely look. “I can smell it all over you, little brother. Don’t try lying about it now. I should have noticed last time I was here… Shit, Cas. What were you thinking?!”

Cas didn't have an answer to that. He hadn't been thinking… you don't think about these kinds of things, they just happen. If he'd had any control over the situation it would never have come to this. “I don't know…” he whispered quietly. Gabriel was a demon, through and through, and so Cas wasn't expecting any sympathy or compassion. He just needed to get out of here and get this over with.

“Please, Gabriel. Just take me home…”

Gabriel eyed him for a moment before a contemplative look crossed his face. He tapped a finger to his lips in thought and walked a slow circle around Cas. “I want to see him.” He said finally. “I want to see this human who's taken my brother from me.”

Cas blanched at that. He hadn't considered the possibility that Gabe would want to SEE Dean. Why would he? What did it have to do with anything? 

“We can’t. He doesn't know I'm a demon.” Cas insisted.

“We'll do whatever the fuck I say we're gonna do. You've really stepped in it Cassie and I want some answers. We'll stay invisible because I don't want to deal with anymore drama about this.” and without further preamble, Gabe clapped a hand on Cas’s shoulders and they were zipped away from his apartment. 

He didn't even get a last look at his wing...

They stopped abruptly inside Sam’s house. Cas was familiar with the layout and turned his eyes immediately towards the kitchen. That’s where the activity was usually centered. Sure enough, Sam and Jess were standing close together with a small black bundle between them. He was surprised that they didn’t react to the sudden appearance of himself and Gabriel, but then again, Gabe had said they’d be invisible. Even still, he had hoped…

“Who’s the naughtiest little schmoopsy baby?” Jess was cooing at the black animal where it panted happily in her arms.

“She’s the ultimate stinky baby girl!” Sam said in a similar tone.

He smiled at them fondly. He hadn’t had an opportunity to meet the ultimate naughty schmoopsy stinky baby girl yet. She was cute. The puppy’s eyes were large and brown and shined with joy towards her owners.

“What in the fuck is this?” Gabriel asked in horror.

Cas turned towards him then and offered a half smile. Gabriel’s look of complete revulsion would have been more humorous if the situation they were in wasn’t so serious.

“They just got a puppy, they’re excited about her.” Cas said with fondness in his voice. He knew that it shouldn’t be there, but all the cards were on the table now so there wasn’t much reason in hiding his humanity from his brother now.

Gabe curled a lip in disgust at the pair and their puppy. “The big one’s not bad looking…” He said as an afterthought. “Where’s your human?”

Cas bristled a little at the question. Dean was much more than just a human, and he certainly wasn’t Cas’s anything. Just as he was about to respond, the human in question came traipsing in from the backyard. He held up his hands to sign something to his brother but came up short when he saw the love affair happening in the kitchen. Cas resisted the urge to walk towards Dean. He wanted to wrap his arms around the man and never let him go. Seeing him now was 100 times more painful than it had been to say goodbye earlier. At least then he had to option to touch. And to kiss. Now, he was simply a spectator in the lives of the people most dear to him. It felt wrong.

Dean snapped once to get their attention. ”What in the fuck is this?” He signed at them with a haughty eyebrow.

Gabriel humphed beside him but stayed blessedly silent for the time being.

“We were just praising her for coming back to us.” Jess said simply before giving the puppy a couple of kisses on her chubby black snout.

Dean rolled his eyes at them in an exaggerated fashion. ”She didn’t come back you weirdos. We had to go and get her ass from the bushes two blocks over. Remember?”

Sam waved a dismissive hand at him. “We just want her to know she isn’t in trouble and that we love her.” He turned back to the little dog and made kissy sounds at her. “Yes we do! Yes we love you!”

Dean huffed an irritated sigh at them from his position near the kitchen island. ”Whatever. I found out where she got out. It was a little hole near the back wall, I patched it for now but we’ll need to come up with something more permanent later.”

“Of course, Dean. Thank you so much.” Jess said to him with a smile. 

Dean shrugged his broad shoulders and turned away from them. He was always uncomfortable with accepting thanks and Cas smiled sadly at his back. He hated that he couldn’t be here to help, hated that he couldn’t add his voice to Jessica’s in thanking Dean for doing so much to help. He should have said something more, he should have thanked Dean more. He hadn’t done enough…

“Is this all they do?” Gabriel asked beside him.

He turned towards his brother and raised his eyebrows at him. Gabriel had his arms crossed over his chest and was tapping a foot against the tiled floor of the kitchen. Cas smiled a little at his irritation. It was just like Gabriel to get bored if there wasn’t candy or explosions happening.

“What do you want them to do?” Cas asked curiously.

“I dunno, don’t they like have sex and get into fights and shit?” 

Cas hummed in agreement. “Yes, they do. Not all the time though. Most of the time it’s just this, just living.”

Gabe turned his honey eyes towards Cas’s blue ones at that. “Just living, hm? Sounds boring.”

“It isn’t. It’s the most amazing thing there is.” Cas turned his eyes back to the people in front of them. 

He was going to miss just living. Just existing without any plans, any big schemes. He felt a bitter stab of envy and jealousy as he watched them. He’d had so little time here. He hoped that his family here wouldn’t take any of their time for granted. Every moment was remarkable, every moment was precious. 

They spent the next few hours following Dean. He spent a long time at Sam and Jess’s, watching them play with their dog, talking and laughing with his brother and his sister-in-law. He drank a couple of beers, ate lunch, watched cartoons. He just lived.

After a while, he made his way back towards his own house. Cas and Gabe rode silently in the backseat and Cas resolutely ignored the memories of what had happened last time they had all three ridden in the car together.

Gabriel seemed to be in deep thought, because he hadn’t spoken aside from a curious question now and again for hours. He seemed interested in what Dean did up here on Earth. Cas wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing that Gabriel was so intent on studying the man. As the afternoon wore on into evening, Cas noticed that Dean was looking at his phone with more and more frequency. He wondered why for a while until he remembered that he had promised to text Dean and let him know when he was done with his “errands.” Dean was waiting on him. Dean wanted to talk to him, wanted to see him. The disappointment on his face was plain for Cas to see each time he picked up the phone only to discover that there was no new notifications there.

_I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry…_

Dean made his way upstairs and to his bedroom around ten. They followed silently in his wake and watched as he brushed his teeth and undressed into his boxers. The memory of how Dean’s skin felt under his fingers the night before scorched through Cas like wildfire and he closed his eyes against the sensation. Now wasn’t the time to relive that, not with Gabriel standing next to him. Gabriel had taken a rather large gasp and looked at Cas accusingly once he’d spied Dean’s pendant where it was nestled just below the hollow of his throat. Cas had ignored him and he continued to remain silent however.

Dean settled himself under a sheet and rested an arm behind his head. He pulled out his phone and typed slowly on it, he seemed to be in deep concentration about what he was typing because his expression kept changing from contemplative to irritation to coy and then back again. Cas wanted to peek at the screen to see what it was he was putting down but he resisted the urge.

After a time, Dean rolled his eyes at himself and tapped his thumb against the screen resolutely before tossing his phone onto a bedside table. It was mere seconds later when Cas felt a vibration in his pocket. He wanted to ignore it, but Gabriel had heard it and was looking at him expectantly. 

In front of them, Dean had turned to his side and closed his eyes. He must not have been expecting a response from whoever he messaged, and Cas had a sneaking suspicion that it was him. He reached delicately into his pants pocket and pulled out his phone. Sure enough, there was a new message lit up across the screen. Gabriel, who was standing next to him, had a perfect view of what was plainly written across the front. 

**Dean: hope everythings ok. text me tmrw. miss u angel.**

Cas closed his eyes against the onslaught of emotions that hit him in the chest like a freight train. He wanted to run to Dean, scream at him and apologize, beg Gabriel to let him stay here forever. There were a million more things he wanted to do, a million things he wanted to experience, to say and to feel. He hadn’t had enough time… 

Gabe clamped an iron hand around his shoulder and pulled him round to face him head on. His eyes were burning a sickening, bloody, red and Cas felt his stomach roil at the sight. He looked furious, like Hell incarnate and Cas cringed away from him. It was a futile movement, one that would surely only anger his brother. But, to his surprise, Gabe blinked and his eyes were back to their warm brown. His expression softened minutely, the change was so subtle that he doubted anyone else would even had noticed.

“Cassie… you took the wrong part. You were supposed to collect his soul, not his heart…” Gabriel’s voice was strangled and hollow as he spoke. Like the idea of softer emotions was new and confusing to him.

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and he cast his sight downwards. “I know.” He whispered brokenly, and hated himself for the break in his voice over the words. How had he let this happen…?

Gabriel sighed heavily next to him. Cas didn’t have the energy in him anymore to look at his brother’s face. They should leave. Spying on Dean like this wasn’t right and it was only causing him more anguish.

“We should go…” Gabe said quietly. Cas nodded mutely and felt Gabe’s hand as it touched his shoulder.

He pulled back suddenly, before Gabriel could whisk them away. Gabe turned surprised eyes towards him and lifted an eyebrow in question.

“Let… let me say goodbye. Please.” Cas suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to at least say one last goodbye to the man that he’d fallen hopelessly in love with. Dean wouldn’t know, it would only be for Cas’s benefit, but just the same, he wanted it. The panic in his chest told him that he NEEDED it.

Gabriel eyed him shrewdly for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes. He gestured towards the still figure on the bed and Cas took that to mean, “go ahead”. He nodded numbly in thanks and walked slowly towards the side of Dean’s bed. This was it, this was going to be his last moment on Earth. He’d spent a mere 9 months on the plane of existence and in that time he’d found a family and a home. He’d found a man worth defying his orders for, worth an eternity in Hell for. He hadn’t known it at the time, but he’d been lost the minute he’d laid eyes on Dean Winchester's soul. 

He knelt sadly down and watched the steady rise and fall of the man’s chest. He wouldn’t get another night spent with Dean, there would be no more kisses, no more casual intimacy, or tea and hot chocolate on his couch. This was his last moment on Earth, and he couldn’t think of any other way he’d want to spend it. He knelt and placed a tender kiss on Dean’s temple, just next to his hairline. He wondered if Dean could feel it, could feel his presence?

He lifted a hand and ran a finger around the shell of the man’s ear. _I’m so sorry, Dean. I would have given you everything, but… this is the greatest gift I could ever give you. Removing myself from your life is the kindest thing I could ever do for you. You deserve everything this world has to offer, please take it when it becomes available. Goodbye…_

A tear slid down his cheek and settled on the sheets next to Dean’s hand. He took a final glance at Dean’s soul as it sparkled and pulsed with all the light of Heaven and Earth. It’s energy and it’s purity chasing the shadows away from the room even in the dark. He could do one more thing for Dean, one last gesture of goodwill, though he would never know it.

He didn’t even give himself time to second guess his decision. He materialized the contracts for the 10 souls he’d signed while up here, and burnt them all to ashes. A choking sound from Gabriel drew his attention and he turned sorrowful eyes towards his brother. It hadn’t been right to deprive those people of the years they had remaining on Earth. If he’d learned anything from his time here, it was that every second counted, every single one was important. Who was he to take that from them?

“It’s done. Take me home, Gabriel.” Cas refused to look at Dean again. He’d said his goodbye and now he needed to steel himself for the coming confrontation. He would have been in immense trouble before for only signing 10 souls, but now… A demon burning his contracts… and out of compassion now less, it was unprecedented. Cas knew that there would be no welcome home party for him. He’d be laid out on the rack and tortured for the rest of eternity for what he’d just done. He couldn’t bring himself to feel anything but joy at what he’d done. It had been right, it had been good, it’s what Dean would have done.

Gabriel, for the first time in his life, was speechless. Cas wasn’t sure if he’d have preferred Gabriel’s vitriol to this silence. But, he supposed he’d have to get used to shocking his family. Gabriel stepped forward and raised a steady hand towards Cas shoulder and just like that. They were gone.

Dean slept soundly through all of this and dreamt of leathery wings and soft kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cassie! :(((( Let me know what you think, next chapter hopefully on Wednesday, Saturday at the latest.


	14. I Want to Make a Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's POV. Poor thing.

Dean didn't know anything was amiss that entire first day. Sure, he was a little disappointed that Cas hadn't text him but that wasn't out of the realm of the ordinary. Especially if Cas was dealing with family drama or errands or whatever it was. So, he’d slept soundly that night and woke the next morning, again, a little disappointed, but not worried. 

 

It wasn't until the evening of the day after the puppy escape that he started to feel an itch under his skin. He didn't want to hound Cas, he’d already shot him a few messages and even tried calling once. There had been no answer. But, he couldn't shake the fact that he was getting a little worried… Had Cas taken off? Was he keeping his distance? Had Dean freaked him out with moving too far too fast? He’d seemed into all of it, had even asked Dean… Well, what had he asked him? It had seemed obvious at the time but maybe…

 

No. No. Cas was just busy. Cas hadn't given any indication of reluctance and Dean had even asked a couple times if he was ok. No. Cas wasn't avoiding him, he was just busy. Definitely. Dean did his best to focus on other things, cleaning up around the house, visiting Jo and Charlie, even playing with Sam’s mutt. But, the concern in the back of his brain had taken root and was growing by the minute. He didn't say anything to anyone else, until Cas didn't show up for work at the coffee shop on Monday.

 

Charlie text him about 5 minutes into his shift at the garage. The loud tone trilled through the still air of the garage and he chastised himself mentally for not silencing it before work. He scrambled to get it out of his pocket with stiff, tired fingers.

 

**Charlie: Hey Dean-bean! Hope work is going ok. Just thought I’d check in since I didn't see you this morning. Oh and hey, not a big deal or anything but have you maybe talked to Cas today? He sort of didn't show up for work and I'm not like worried or anything but he's literally never been late before and ok maybe so I am worried a little and maybe it's kinda a big deal. Please text me back when you get this.**

 

Dean re-read the message a couple of times before he really understood what she was saying. Cas hadn't gone to work. Cas NEVER missed work. At this point he was a few hours late… what the fuck!

 

Without even thinking about it he pulled up Cas’s contact info and hit CALL. He may not be able to talk but dammit at least Cas could answer. Charlie had obviously tried this already but Dean didn't care. A terror had gripped his heart once he’d processed Charlie's message and now he was very, very worried. _Come on, come on, Cas. Pick up the fucking phone!_

 

But after a few rings it kicked over to voicemail. _Shit, fuck._ Dean thought angrily. What to do, what to do… Maybe Cas had slept in? The guy really wasn't a morning person so it was possible. Maybe his errands or whatever had taken it out of him and he’d missed his alarm? That seemed possible. He’d have to head over and check. That sounded like a sound enough plan. He told his racing heart to “chill the fuck out” and jogged over to Bobby’s office.

 

The old man was seated at his desk and writing something messily across some papers. Bobby hated paperwork and so the sour look on the man's face made sense. He tapped his knuckles smartly against the door and started signing the moment Bobby looked up.

 

”Bobby, I need to take some time off this morning.”

 

Bobby raised a surprised eyebrow at that. “What in the hell for?” 

 

Dean rolled his eyes impatiently but hesitated before responding. Did he fess up that he was worried about Cas? Because if Cas was fine and sleeping at home and Dean had made a big deal of it he’d be teased about it likely for the rest of his life. On the other hand, if Cas WASN'T home and Dean didn’t check…

 

”Cas is missing. He didn't show up for work today and I haven't spoken to him in a few days…”  Fuck, Dean was all in on this. If something had happened…

 

Bobby sucked on his teeth thoughtfully and eyed Dean up and down. “You two finally stop pussy-footing around one another then?”

 

Dean rolled his eyes again but nodded. They HAD finally stopped pussy-footing and he wasn't ashamed for Bobby to know that. Hell, Bobby had likely known about the possibility of them long before they did.

 

Bobby huffed in agitation but waved a hand at him. “Go check on him then, boy. But, if I hav’ta get underneath anything today then yer gonna owe me.”

 

Dean signed a quick thanks and all but sprinted back outside to his car. His brain was solely focused on _Cas, Cas, Cas._ He did his best to obey the speed limit and to stop at stop signs but his terror felt like a physical thing now. It was riding next to him and infecting him with its sickening influence. He needed to get ahold of Charlie but it could wait until he had news. Like, news that Cas was still rumpled and sleepy in his bed. That would be good news, Charlie would think it was funny.

 

He threw the car into park outside of Cas’s building and took the stairs two at a time. He paused at the door of the apartment and took a couple shaking breaths. _Ok, I'm ok. Cas is ok. Just calm down, Winchester. Everything is ok._

 

He reached forwards and knocked loudly three times. He waited, impatiently, for the sounds of someone stumbling towards the door. When nothing but the sounds of his own quickened breathing met his ears he knocked again, more urgently. When the silence behind the door remained, he fished into the pocket of his pants to pull out of his keys. Cas’s door key was on here and he willed his fingers to steady as he placed it into the lock.

 

The door however, was already unlocked and Dean gulped down a sudden fear that was clogging his throat. He turned the handle and pushed open the door with trembling fingers. When he stepped inside something immediately felt wrong, but he couldn't place what. Everything looked the same as it had a few days ago, but the air felt… different. There was something in the air, something that smelled like.. sulfur?

 

He couldn't call out to Cas so he carried himself on quick feet to each of the rooms in the apartment. He checked in the closet and under the bed for some reason even, wanting to make absolutely sure that Cas was not in fact in here. His search ended in the bedroom and he stared helplessly up at the ebony black wing still hung on the wall above the bed. 

 

He frowned at it. There were no signs of struggle, nothing that even looked out of place, really… it looked almost exactly the same as it had when Dean had picked him up for their horrible not-date. Almost like Cas hadn't even come back here…. What happened…

 

A tremor ran through his hands and he closed his eyes and tried to calm his thoughts. He wouldn’t do anyone any good if he had a panic attack in the middle of Cas’s apartment. _Ok, ok, think Dean. He was supposed to be doing errands… Did he look weird? Not anymore than usual. Did the sex thing freak him out? No, he looked ok with that. What the hell happened to him…?_

 

Had someone grabbed him when Dean had dropped him off? Dean had made sure that he got into the building. And the apartment was unlocked when he got here… So, Cas had made it home and gotten inside safely and then… what? Had he stepped out and left the door unlocked? Maybe he was just downstairs doing laundry! That seemed possible, right? Dean sprinted right back out of the apartment and down the stairs to the laundry room. He was absolutely sure Cas would be down there. It made perfect sense! He felt a sinking in his chest when Cas didn’t materialize in front of him once he reached the basement room that housed the washers and dryers though. _Ok, uh… new idea! Cas probably ran to the store real quick! Maybe he was out of pop-tarts or whatever he ate for breakfast. Yeah! Oh that made so much sense! Ok, so he ran to the store and got held up in line!_

 

Dean hauled ass back up the stairs. Cas would surely stop at the apartment before heading into work. He’d need to drop off the food he’d bought after all! Dean would just wait for him here. That way he could assure himself everything was fine and then text Charlie that he’d be bringing Cas in. Perfect!

 

He pulled his phone out with confident fingers to let Charlie know the plan. He didn’t want her to worry after all.

 

**Dean: hey charlie im at cas’s now looks like he maybe ran to the store. ill wait here for him to get bak and will text u when hes here**

 

Perfect. Ok. Yes. Dean looked around himself expectantly. Maybe he should tidy up for Cas while he was out. That would be a nice gesture. Plus, he needed to do something with his hands or he’d be thinking about every dire situation that Cas was definitely NOT in right now. Like, he was definitely not being held against his will by a member of the Russian mob. And he was definitely not in trouble with a Bookie for outstanding debts. He hadn’t been taken by his shit-bag brother back to Buffalo or wherever the hell they’re from. He wasn’t being held at gunpoint by someone who was going to sell him into the sex trade. And he absolutely definitely hadn’t freaked out about the sex thing with Dean and bailed out of town to get away from him. Right? He was just at the store. Definitely.

 

He made his way swiftly into the living room and began folding a blanket that Cas had left on his meager couch. Cas didn’t have a lot of possessions so “tidying up” probably wasn’t the best term. He had to do something while he waited though. He busied himself moving things here and there, folding what he could, placing things on shelves, etc. He made his way into the kitchen at some point. There was a single coffee mug in the sink, so Dean washed it carefully, dried it with delicate hands and opened the cupboard closest to the sink to store it away. As he opened the cabinet however, a small piece of paper fluttered down in front of him. He tried to snatch it but ended up missing and it landed face down on the cheap floor at his feet.

 

He puzzled at it for a moment before bending down and clasping one rough corner. He turned it towards him as he stood and frowned at the words before him. It took him a moment to even comprehend what he was seeing. The words were written in Cas’s cramped handwriting at the bottom and a more more loopy one at the top and he felt a thrill go through him at the realization that Cas had written some of this. But, what the hell kind of list was it? It was titled, **Being Human** and what the hell did that mean? But, Cas was an oddball kind of guy so maybe it was a poem or something. Cas seemed like the poetry type after all. He had a brief flash of Data from Star Trek reciting poetry to his crew members and he smiled. Cas’s poetry would be like that for sure.

 

He puzzled at the paper for a few more seconds before deciding that it wasn’t a poem, it was a list. But a list… of what? _What the hell, Cas…_ The list read in that loopy, curly font:

 

**Being Human**

~~-Get a job~~

~~-Be a yes man!~~

~~-Buy new clothes~~

-Buy a sweet new ride

-Orgy!! (nonono)

~~-Visit the mall :)~~

-Make friends (I did???)

~~-Drink a beer~~

~~-See a movie~~

-Pay for a hooker (NO!!)

-Take candy from small children (what? why?)

-Dont stare at people like Hannibal Lecter (who?)

~~-Keep your eyes hidden!~~

 

The words in parentheses were obviously Cas’s comments about how well he was progressing. He rolled his eyes at the hooker item and smiled fondly at the make friends one. Poor, sweet Cas. He obviously hadn’t written that segment of the list. Further down the page though and in a different color pen there seemed to be a few new additions. Cas must have come up with some new ideas of his own and added them later. The additions read:

 

-Smile more

-Laugh more

-Fall in love? (movies suggest this)

-Thank my family (don’t forget Bobby and Ellen)

-Practice hugging (Girls fond of these)

-Learn some jokes (humans find these humorous)

-Listen to more classic rock (Dean’s favorite)

-Pet Sam’s puppy

 

-xxx Tell Dean

 

There was a large space between the items on the list and the very last bullet. The last bullet also had a large black scribble at the beginning, like Cas had started to add something but had changed his mind. Tell Dean… Tell Dean what? TELL DEAN WHAT!? Dean read and re-read the list a few more times. Cas had marked through the items he had completed and they seemed pretty standard. He was happy to see that orgy wasn’t marked through though. Tell Dean… Tell Dean… 

 

He felt the little list crumple in his hands as he clenched a fist around it. A list on how to be human? Why would he even need that? Sure the guy was strange… maybe he was on the autism spectrum? That might make sense… He was a little socially… odd. A list could make sense in that context, except… A memory floated back to him then of the disastrous house hunting venture that Gabriel had tagged along for. That conversation he’d overheard between Gabe and Cas had been strange but he’d forgotten about it for the most part. 

 

“This isn’t the time or place!” Cas had said. And Gabriel had said what… an easy contract and a signed deal or something to that effect. And Gabriel had told Cas that he wasn’t here to… to what… that he wasn’t here for domestic shit. That had been it. He’d put it out of his mind since then but the words floated back to him now. They sounded more ominous and more sinister in his memory than they had at the time. What had Gabe wanted Cas to do to the realtor?

 

Dean fingered the edge of the list and stared sightlessly at the open cupboard in front of him. _Just what in the hell is going on here?!_ Dean thought angrily. He wished that he had Gabe’s number. That little skidmark probably had some idea of what was going on with Cas. Dean chewed his lower lip thoughtfully and ran a hand through his hair. He could ask Cas. Cas would be back soon after all. Cas would explain everything.

 

He set the little list down on the kitchen counter and went back to straightening the house. Cas would explain. He just needed to wait a little longer. The store must have been busy this morning.

 

xxx

 

It wasn’t until the clock ticked over to 8pm that Dean started to consider that maybe Cas wasn’t actually AT the store. His mind had come up with hundreds of excuses as to why it was taking Cas so long to get back. But, eventually, and after missed texts from Bobby, Sam and about 50 from Charlie, he had to start facing facts. Cas wasn’t at the store. 

 

He could still be out though, right? If he’d had a family emergency or something come up, he’d be too busy to let anyone know, right? Dean carefully locked Cas’s door behind him and made his way down to the Impala. He felt a little bad about not going back into the garage that day, but Bobby would understand. He drove to Sam’s house on impulse, not really thinking much of the direction his car was facing. His thoughts were rioting and he couldn’t make heads or tails of them. They seemed to circle over and over one another like trash caught in a whirlpool. Where was Cas? What had happened? Was he ok? Was he mad at Dean? Was he ok? What had happened? Where was Cas?

 

He felt bile rise unbidden from his throat and he placed a hand over his mouth. He threw the car into park outside of Sam’s house and rested his head on the steering wheel. He took several large inhales in through his nose and then back out through his mouth in an attempt to settle his stomach. Cas was fine. He was fine. There was no reason to suspect that he wasn’t! He’d talk to Sam, ask his advice, it would be fine. Sam would know what to do.

 

Dean somehow managed to get himself out of the car and into Sam’s house. At some point he obviously relayed what had happened as well because Sam had immediately been thrown into action. Jess was busy flitting through the kitchen and making him something to drink or something. Their little dog yapped at him pitifully from underfoot but Dean didn’t have the attention span to notice. Dean was in a bit of a daze, he wasn’t sure quite why, everything was fine after all. But, he felt strangely… numb. Disconnected almost. It was sort of a nice feeling, really. It didn’t hurt at least.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there at the island in Sam and Jess’s kitchen, but it was long enough that he felt his eyes start to get heavy and his head eventually ended up on the marbled countertop under his arms. He was woken some time later by a gentle hand and a quiet voice near him.

 

“Dean… wake up, buddy.” Sam said to him calmly. “I called Bobby and you’re off the hook for work tomorrow. I need you to get some rest because we have some errands to run tomorrow.”

 

Errands? Cas had been to run errands. Were they going to do the same thing? What the hell time was it? Where even was he?

 

“It’s ok, I got you. Why don’t you go lay down in your old room and we can get started bright and early in the morning. I took the day off as well…” Sam said with a bit of a strain in his voice.

 

Dean’s brain was running sluggishly and it took a moment to process what Sam was saying. ”What are we doing?” He finally signed in confusion.

 

“We… we need to go to the police station, Dean.” Sam said with hesitation. His eyes looked clouded and tight in the corners. He looked visibly upset and that confused Dean even more.

 

”Why the hell do we need to go there?” Dean signed with a squint in his eyes.

 

“We have to file a missing person’s report.” Sam looked at him as if that answer should have been obvious. “It sounds like no one’s talked to him in a few days. We… we need to let someone know to look for him.”

 

”He isn’t missing though. He’s just busy. He’ll turn up soon. He probably got turned around walking to the bookstore or something.” This seemed very apparent to Dean so he wasn’t sure why Sam was making such a big deal out of this situation. He straightened his back and heard a couple of ominous sounding pops. He was getting old, damn.

 

“Dean…” Sam started. “I don’t think he’d go this long without letting someone know what was happening. He’s never just disappeared before.” He had placed a large hand on Dean’s shoulder in what was probably meant to be a comforting manner. It didn’t feel very comforting.

 

”He’s a strange guy, Sam. Maybe he got caught up counting the leaves on a tree in the park! He could be doing anything.” What was Sam even suggesting here?

 

Sam gave him a pained and tight-lipped smile. “Sure thing, Dean. Who knows, maybe… We should check in with the police just in case though. It’s cold out after all, we don’t want him wandering around for too long…” The words seemed difficult for Sam to get out and Dean frowned at that. Sam patted him a couple of times on the shoulder before taking a step backwards. “We’ll check with them in the morning and go from there, ok?”

 

Dean shrugged his shoulders complacently. Cas would probably have turned up before morning so there was no sense in arguing with Sam. But, he had brought up a good point. It WAS cold out… he hoped that Cas had had the good sense to find something warm to wear.

 

“Go ahead and head to bed, Jess changed out the sheets for you already.” Sam cast a final concerned look at his face that Dean resolutely ignored. He was fine. He was fine because Cas was fine. Everything was fine.

 

xxx

 

The next morning they did indeed go to the police station. It was against Dean’s wishes but he could admit that he’d been surprised that morning when he hadn’t woken to a message from Cas. So, he went to appease Sam, who looked really perturbed. He kept running his hands through his ridiculous hair until it was all slicked backwards and made him look like a villain in an 80’s movie. But, they filed the report with the bored looking officer who seemed less than impressed with their lack of knowledge of Cas’s family and even his life prior to meeting them.

 

Dean floated through the day in a bit of a fog. There was a vague sense of unease that had settled in his stomach and he couldn’t quite place why. He hadn’t slept well the night before so maybe that was it. Sam spent the entire day hovering over him with a concerned pinch to his brow. Dean was fine, honestly. Sam was just worried for no reason, like usual!

 

Dean was able to maintain the facade of calm for a week. He was able to make excuses and come up with possible and innocent reasons for Cas to have been MIA for a week. Even when Dean’s texts stopped sending because Cas’s phone was turned off, or dead. Dean had written it away as Cas being too busy to notice. But, as the week came to an end, the unease in his gut had manifested into full blown panic. Everything wasn’t fine. Dean wasn’t fine because Cas wasn’t fine. 

 

He had sat heavily on the couch in Sam’s living room and hung his head in his hands and sat in silence for what felt like hours. In reality it was only half an hour before Sam walked in and approached him quickly. He had hovered over Dean’s back unsure of whether or not to touch his brother, Dean could sense his concern radiating off of him in waves. Eventually, Sam had settled across from him in one of the chairs. Sam had his hands clasped together between his knees and was sitting on the absolute very end of the seat. 

 

Dean had lifted his head slowly and looked blankly ahead of him with tears in the corners of his eyes. He didn’t want to meet Sam’s eye, knew that if he did he would lose it completely. He managed to take a ragged breath and squeezed his eyes shut tightly against the poison that was working it’s way through his mind. 

 

”Sammy…” Dean started to sign slowly. He opened his eyes then and turned towards his little brother. He felt his brows pucker together and a slow stream of tears run down the sides of his as he took in the sight of Sam in his suit and tie and looking for all the world like the world’s largest dog. ”I don’t think he’s coming back, Sammy.”

 

His head had immediately returned to his palms and he felt the hot gush of the tears as they spilled into his hands. Cas was gone. Something horrible had happened to him. He would never have gone radio silent like this of his own choice. He’d never have left Dean like this on his own… right? Cas wouldn’t have… abandoned him if he’d had a choice. Something had happened to him!

 

Sam had risen at some point and laid one giant arm around Dean’s shoulders in an attempt to soothe him. He couldn’t talk any more at the moment. He hated having Sam be the one to comfort him, it hadn’t ever felt right. But, dammit, right now he needed it like the oxygen in his lungs. Cas was gone…

 

They sat like that for a long time. Eventually, Sam ushered Dean into his old bedroom where Dean had dreams of fire, screams and leathery wings. 

 

xxx

 

Dean spent the next 6 months exhausting every option he could possibly find in order to find Cas. The group had been supportive at first. But, after the first 3 months, they started to get worried. They all had theories on what had happened, ranging from “He probably took off with that douchebag brother of his” to “Muggings go wrong and are a lot more common than you think, Dean…” Dean wasn’t interested in any of them. He wasn’t going to give up on this. 

 

He had looked up missing persons, possible crimes, odd occurrences, anything and everything in the papers for the surrounding 6 counties. There hadn’t been anything. He had also taken to calling every couple of days to all the hospitals in the area and asking after any John Does as well as anyone named, “Cas” “Castiel” “Novak” and even to his chagrin “Gabriel” just in case. There hadn’t been anything there either. He’d even gone so far as to buy a police scanner so that he could listen in to all the calls coming in the local station, just in case. Aside from learning how fucked up all the people that lived in Sioux Falls were, there hadn’t been anything. He had been close to giving up hope around month 4, but that seemed to be when his dreams had condensed into making sense, rather than just being feelings of flames and the sound of screams. 

 

Dean had woken after the first one in a cold sweat with wild eyes and a silent shout on his lips. His hands had immediately flown to the pendant around his neck and he closed his eyes as he ran a forefinger over it. He had taken to doing this in the mornings when he woke up, almost like he was wishing himself good luck. He found that it calmed him for some reason. It was probably just his fucked up brain. But, he’d ran his fingers over it after that first horrible nightmare and it had seemed to crystalize everything for him. 

 

Cas had been there, wherever there was. He had looked different, something more smoky with hazy outlines and a blackness that radiated out from his core, but Dean had known it was him. He’d looked at Dean with a piercingly blue eye and an eye blacker than any night he’d ever experienced. The sight of it gave him shivers even now. All around him had been flames and screaming and heat and a hum that had rattled his bones inside his skin. It had felt wrong, it had felt worse than the most horrible place he could imagine. He had gulped down the sudden urge to vomit at the memory of the heat on his skin and the rattle of his body in that horrible landscape. The strum of it reminded him of standing too close to the speakers at a concert and he placed a hand over his mouth to keep himself from being sick all over the bed.

 

The image of Cas in that place haunted him for the rest of the day and into the next night. Where he’d dreamt again of Cas, his Angel, surrounded by that horror. It felt like more than a dream, it felt like Hell. Like honest to Chuck, Hell. It took a while for the message of the Hell-Dream to sink into his thick skull but he understood eventually. Cas was in trouble, real, real trouble and he needed help. 

 

He could just… sense that Cas needed help. He wanted to tell the others but he couldn’t even explain to them why. Mostly because they would look at him like he had grown another head if he explained that the reason he needed help was because Dean could see him screaming for it in his dreams. Cas begged every night for help, pleaded to anyone that would listen to save him from that place. The sounds of Cas’s screams and of his voice, thin and reedy, begging for absolution had caused Dean to make a made dash for the toilet on more than one occasion. 

 

Dean became convinced after a time that Cas had been taken somewhere horrible. And though he was loathe to admit it to himself, it seemed obvious that the place, while maybe not really Hell, was certainly somewhere… unnatural. Somewhere outside of time and away from the Earth’s influence. Every night that Dean visited that place it seemed eternal, ageless, like everything there was, had always been and would always be. It was disorienting and it often took him some time in the mornings to get his bearings again. He hated being there, often tried forcing himself to stay awake so that he didn’t have to endure it any more than necessary. But, maybe Cas knew that he was there in some way? Maybe it helped him to know that Dean was there to bear witness to what was happening? He wasn’t sure, wasn’t even thinking straight anymore.

 

During the days, he did his best to eat and distract himself from what he couldn’t seem to stop dreaming. He’d lost a little weight and he knew that he was worrying his family. He was doing his best really. But, he had a lot of time to think while he was at the garage. He worked in relative silence, even with the radio on, it wasn’t enough to occupy his thoughts for long. Eventually, all his conscious thought went into the dream he’d had the night before and working through every bit of interaction he’d ever had with Cas. The more he remembered and the more he studied everything in detail, the more concerning certain aspects of Cas’s personality seemed. He had honestly chalked a lot of Cas’s quirks to being eccentricities, or even that Cas might have been a little autistic. But now, away from the guy, some things started to seem a bit more worrying than they had before.

 

Along with all his odd idiosyncrasies was Gabriel and the list. Something about that list had nagged at him ever since he’d found it. It was currently folded away and put carefully into his wallet for safekeeping. And Gabriel… Dean had hated just about everything about him and so hadn’t thought much about him after their disastrous little get together. But… thinking back on that conversation he’d overheard and some of the things that Gabriel had said… something just wasn’t right. NONE of it was really right, but that stood out more plainly than anything else. 

 

It took him some time, but he finally worked up his courage enough to start searching for answers to his questions online. There was a lot of information to muddle through but every now and then he’d come across something that rang true to his ears, some bit of lore, or an eyewitness account. He refused to mention any of this to Sam or Charlie. They were worried enough, if they thought he was researching lore about Hell then they would probably make him go see a shrink. So, he kept his research to himself and did his best to be discreet about it. 

 

It was at about the 6 month mark that he came across a summoning spell. It looked pretty legit and he sat and thought on it for a week before he decided “what the hell” and decided to start collecting ingredients for it. It would take some time to get the items together, he still had time to back out if he changed his mind. But ultimately, either it would work and he’d get answers, or it wouldn’t and he’d be no worse for wear. That was the working theory anyway. 

 

The ritual was for summoning a Crossroads Demon, which the lore said would be willing to make deals in exchange for souls. Dean was reluctant to admit that he’d be willing to give his soul up if it meant that he could get Cas back. But, he wasn’t really using his soul after all, right? It was a fairly simple ritual all things considered, a crossroad, a small box, a picture of himself, some graveyard dirt, and a bone from a black cat. The cat would be the hardest part, and it was probably a sign of his absolute desperation that he had taken to slow cruising along the roads in the early morning looking for recent roadkill. He wasn’t going to kill any of them himself, that was for damn sure. 

 

So, it took him some time to find the cat bone. He got lucky after a few weeks, though lucky was a strong word, and found a grizzled old cat that had been hit a week or so prior. Dean had gotten out of the car eagerly and had placed the old cat into a sack that he kept in the Impala. _I’m so sorry, little guy. I hope you’re somewhere better now…_ Dean thought weakly at it.

 

Dean was man enough to admit to vomiting once, maybe twice, while extracting a leg bone from the poor feline. His guilt for the act of mutilating it was great enough that he dug a grave for it in his backyard afterward and even placed a small cross made of stray sticks at the head. _Thank you, old timer. I’m sorry for what happened._ Dean offered in lieu of a prayer over the cat’s remains. 

 

He would have to remember to NEVER mention this to anyone, ever. They were already worried about his mental health, but if they knew that he was cutting off cat legs for spell ingredients he’d be buying a one way ticket to Larned. No, that wasn’t a good idea. He’d keep quiet about it, like he figured, it would either work and everyone would be so happy that Cas had come back or it wouldn’t and he’d be back where he started.

 

It was the first week in October when Dean finally managed to get everything together and to work up his courage enough to find an isolated crossroads. He felt unsure of himself and more than a little nervous. He may potentially be selling his soul today… It was worrisome, but he was committed to getting Cas back. He would do whatever it took.

 

That’s why on a warm afternoon a week into October, Dean found himself parked next to a backwoods crossroads 20 miles outside of town. He was holding his little box full items spell ingredients in shaking hands and staring at it in fear. He was really doing this. He was really going to do this… His fingers clutched desperately at the thin tin box and he shut his eyes tightly against the way the sun glinted off it’s marred surface. _You’re doing this for Cas, this is all for Cas. He needs your help! He needs you! You can do this, you can do this..._

 

He took a step forward and opened his eyes. _I can do this._

 

It was easy to dig a hole, hell he’d done it a million times. It was even simpler to drop the little box into it and cover it all over with the loose dirt and gravel he’d just unearthed. He stood slowly and took a step backwards. The box made a small mound in the center of the crossroads and Dean gulped against a suddenly dry throat. Now, he waited. He dusted his hands nervously off on his jeans and spun in a slow circle. He wasn’t sure what he should be expecting, but it seemed like SOMETHING should be happening, right? Something mystical or spooky or something.

 

“Dean-o! Long time no see, champ.” Came a loud and cheery voice from bhind him.

 

Dean spun around quickly and felt his eyes widen in shock. _Fucking Gabriel?_

 

“No howdy-doo? You haven’t ever been much of a talker, hm?” Gabriel laughed loudly here at his own joke and shook his head fondly. “Alright, alright, that was in poor taste, I’ll give you that. So, what’s up, bub?” Gabriel pulled a sucker from the inside of a jacket pocket and popped it into his mouth.

 

Dean was so completely flabbergasted by this turn of events that he simply stood in silence and gaped openly at the shorter man. Gabriel seemed unphased and looked around him at the gently swaying trees and the large field of winter wheat next to the road. Finally, Dean snapped himself back to the present and felt a sudden anger overtake him.

 

”What the fuck are YOU doing here?” He signed fiercely.

 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow and slurped obnoxiously on his candy. He gestured towards the small mound of dirt in the center of the road. “You called?”

 

Dean took a step back at that. He called? Had Gabriel been watching him bury the tin? Wait… there weren’t any cars around for miles. Where had he been? He squinted suspiciously at Gabe for a moment as he tried to work out what exactly he was doing here.

 

“Don’t hurt yourself there, Deanie-weenie. You called and I came. Now, what do you want?” Gabriel put his free hand in his pocket and looked at him expectantly.

 

”I called for a Crossroads Demon...” Dean signed hesitantly. He was getting a nervous feeling in his stomach now.

 

Gabe rolled his eyes dramatically at the taller man. He took two steps closer and blinked once. When he opened his eyes again, they were a flaming and bloody red and Dean recoiled from the intensity of his stare. Gabe blinked again and his eyes were back to their normal honey gold. 

 

“Crossroads Demon, at your service. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance.” He sighed dramatically. “Now, what?”

 

Gabriel was a Crossroads Demon? What in the actual fuck? No, no that didn’t make any sense. Maybe he was just masquerading as Gabe since Dean was familiar with him. Maybe it was just taking the form of someone he knew. It was just it’s bad luck that it picked someone Dean hated. ”What did you do to Cas’s brother?”

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” Gabe threw his hands in the air. “This is like talking to a boulder. I AM Cas’s brother, dipshit.” He eyed Dean peevishly, his irritation coming off of him in waves. “I’m a Crossroads Demon, I’m Cas’s brother, I like candy and I hate your fucking guts. Nice to meet you formally.” He scoffed in disgust and kicked a rock away from him and towards a ditch off the side of the road.

 

Gabe was a demon. Gabe was Cas’s brother. Did that mean… No… No, that didn’t make any sense. There was NO WAY… Was Cas a demon? That couldn’t even be possible. Right?

 

”Where’s Cas?” Dean managed to think past his confusion and sign simply to Gabe.

 

“He’s in Hell. No thanks to you, might I add.” Gabriel bite down hard on the sucker in his mouth and Dean cringed at the sound of the candy breaking into pieces. 

 

What in the fuck? ”I don’t believe you.” There was no way that this was really happening. No way that he was really here and that this was really happening.

 

“I don’t give a shit whether you believe me or not. You summoned a Crossroads Demon and I came. Now, what is it you want, Winchester?” Gabriel tossed the paper stick to his sucker over his shoulder and eyed Dean levelly. “You’re wasting my time, and do I need to remind you that I hate your guts?”

 

”I want Cas back. I want him home.” Dean managed. He was getting angry, furious really.

 

“He IS home. Haven’t you been listening?” 

 

”No, I want him here. I’ll… I’ll make a deal.” Dean gulped down a knot in his throat. He couldn’t believe he was going to do this. He was about to offer his soul to GABRIEL of all people. Gabriel! He wasn’t thinking straight, obviously.

 

“A deal? You wanna make a deal for little ol’ Cassie?” Gabe’s eyebrows had lifted into his hairline at the question. “I’ve gotta ask, since you seem super slow on the uptake here. You know that Cas is a demon, right? Like, possessing bodies and stealing souls demon.” He squinted at Dean as if to gauge his reaction closely.

 

”I don’t know if I believe you...  Dean started slowly. He hadn’t really thought this part through. If Cas was REALLY a demon… it would explain a lot of things about his personality quirks. But, he couldn’t have been a very good demon, right? I mean, this was Cas he was talking about. Cas who watched nature documentaries and always remembered how Dean took his coffee. The image of Cas after he’d flung that customer across the floor in the garage came into mind suddenly. That HAD been really intense, maybe…

 

”But, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if he’s a human, demon, horse or otherwise. I want him back. He’s my… _He’s my everything._ He’s my best friend and he doesn’t deserve to be in Hell.” Dean squared his shoulders after that and set his jaw. ”I want to make a deal. Tell me what to do.”

 

“You know that the fact that he's your “best friend” is why he left in the first place, right? Like, you two getting so close is why this even happening. You took my brother from me, Winchester.” Gabriel’s expression had darkened as he’d talked. 

 

His scowl was frightening when Dean had finished signing and Dean felt shocked at his response. He wouldn’t be cowed by this little pissant though. He had come here for Cas, and he wasn’t going to go home empty-handed.

 

Gabriel sucked on his front teeth thoughtfully for a moment. He still looked furious, but at least he didn’t look like he was trying to kill Dean with his eyes. “You took him from me, Dean, just as if you'd killed him with your own hands. Make no mistake I’d flay you alive if I could.” He sent a malevolent glare towards the ground under their feet. “And anyway, I can’t make your deal.” He said simply.

 

Dean frowned angrily. ”What do you mean you can’t?”

 

“I mean I freaking can’t, ok? Look, your loyalty for my brother is sweet, really it is. But… well, I already made a promise to someone that I wouldn’t go signing any deals for your soul. And in fact, all the other Crossroads Demons are under orders from me not to interact with you. So, if you don't like my answer and try this little ritual again, you’ll only get me every time. Now, I’m VERY sorry that you’re heart broken or whatever, but you’ll have to move on. Castiel is where he belongs, and so are you. Best to just forget about him.” Gabriel was acting flippant, but there was a tightness around his eyes that spoke of discomfort. That obviously wasn’t there for Dean’s benefit so what was he upset about…

 

”What happening to him? I’m having these dreams… if he’s home, if he’s where he belongs, why is he being tortured?” Dean took a step aggressively towards Gabriel and clenched his hands into fists at his sides.

 

Gabe raised a surprised eyebrow at him. He glanced down at Dean’s clenched fists and back up to his face. “Now, that DOES surprise me. How would you know about that?” Gabe tapped a thoughtful finger against his chin as he spied Dean up and down again. “Oh! Yes, I remember now.” He snapped his fingers once and a small silver pendant hung heavy in his hand.

 

He opened his palm and looked at the insignia on the brushed metal. It was the protection symbol! Wait… Dean reached a frantic hand towards his throat. His necklace was gone, the loss of the cool metal on his skin hit him in the stomach like a punch. He reached towards Gabe’s outstretched hand quickly but Gabriel simply took a step back and tsked at Dean in warning.

 

“I forgot about this.” He turned the little circle over in his fingers thoughtfully. “What did Cassie tell you this was?”

 

Dean frowned at him angrily. ”It’s a protection symbol.” How dare he take that from him! He didn’t have ANY right to take something so personal. And yeah, ok the fact that he magicked it away from around Dean’s throat did give evidence to support the demon claim, but that wasn’t the point right now.

 

“A protection symbol is it? Hm... “ He ran a thumb over the symbol slowly and smiled faintly. “Not quite…” Gabe all but whispered. “But, I suppose it could function in that capacity. This would help explain the dreams at least.” He tossed the necklace back towards Dean. Dean almost dropped it since he hadn’t been expecting it to be given over so freely. “Watch after that, it’s more powerful than you think.”

 

He yawned at this point and scratched a hand over his belly. “Well, Dean-o. It’s been real, but I gotta hit that ol’ dusty trail. Souls to corrupt and all that, you understand.” He lifted his hands to snap his fingers again but paused and said, “Oh, and don’t call me again, remember I fucking hate you. It’s your fault that Cas is being tortured in the first place after all, byeeeee!” And with that he disappeared with a loud pop! And a puff of smoke. 

 

Dean wrinkled his nose at the smell… It was like… sulfur, just like Cas’s apartment. What in the fuck had just happened? He glanced down at his feet and saw that the little tin for the summoning ritual had been unearthed and was resting at his feet peacefully. He had a lot to process right now. He bent down to pick up the little tin, but didn’t make it back up. He sat heavily down on the rough ground and clutched hopelessly at the small metal box in one hand and his pendant in the other. Cas was gone, Cas was really gone. And… to HELL no less. If he could believe Gabe anyway, Cas was in Hell and was being tortured. And it was Dean’s fault? Cas was in trouble because they'd become friends? What had he done…? This didn't make any sense! What had Cas done to deserve any of this? Cas was gone… and Cas was a demon… How was this his life? What had Dean done to get here? Had he really just tried to make a deal with a demon, fucking Gabriel of all people, to get Cas back? 

 

Dean felt tears, hot and salty, as they tracked down his cheeks. He’d done this to Cas. He’d done something to get him into trouble. Cas wasn’t coming back… He wasn’t coming back…

 

Dean stayed huddled around his tin and his necklace for what felt like hours. He cried and hated himself for every minute of it. Cas was gone and Dean didn’t know how to get him back. 

 

_What do I do? What do I do?_ Dean turned his tear stained face upwards and searched the blue sky and puffy clouds for an answer. _If anyone’s listening… please, please, I need help. Cas is gone and I need help… Please…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left!! I can't believe it! Are you guys excited?!?!?


	15. Purgatory or Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas's POV

The flames at his fingers burned Cas’s skin and his lips curled away from his teeth at the pain. He had been chained here, at the edge of a large cliff in the bowels of Hell for what felt like eternity. He very well may have been, truthfully. The desperate gasps and screams of the damned echoed loudly from the pit below him. The sounds turned his stomach. He turned his head away from dark abyss before him and closed his eyes tightly. He’d been here longer than he could even remember, maybe he’d always been here, maybe he hadn’t. Occasionally, he had brief memories, or what he thought were memories, of physical sensations and emotions, they always took him by surprise.

Time had no real hold here, wherever he was and Cas wasn’t sure what the passage of time even felt like anymore. Had he ever experienced it? He knew from the sight of those being tortured around him that their souls inhabited this place. But he… he didn’t seem to possess a soul. He was comprised of something else, something darker. The souls here somehow had bodies here and didn’t have them at the same time. They had enough physical mass that they could feel the cut of a blade and the crack of a whip in a corporeal way and yet those wounds never seemed to heal, never seemed to bleed, and yet they never truly existed either. They existed solely for the purpose of causing pain in whatever way possible. He supposed that whatever made up his essence functioned in the same way. He had a brief few seconds now and again when he could muse on such things before the pain started again. He didn’t know where he was, but he supposed it must be like Hell.

The feeling a whip against the skin of his cheek drew his attention and he blinked against the pain. His eyes were watering, or they would have if he really had eyes here. The whip crack smarted still and he did his best to focus his attention on the person wielding the object. It was always someone different. They were really just impressions of people, vague shapes and hazy outlines. More than anything he could feel emotions rippling off of them rather than make out actual persons. They all had some similarities: hatred, anger, bitterness came off of them in waves and it had taken a long time to determine that they were separate individuals. He wasn’t sure what he had done, but it had obviously been something horrible enough to earn the vitriol of these beings. 

Another crack of a whip and the feeling of blood trailed down his chest. Sometimes, he almost felt like he could sense a different sort of touch down here. It was always hard to be sure though, he had such trouble focusing now. But, he often became dimly aware of someone with a soft voice and a cool something against his head. Something damp maybe? The person felt familiar to him, though he couldn’t ever place why. He knew that he sometimes babbled when he’d had a particularly bad session with one of the entities. He knew that he must have said some strange things to this kinder being, he didn’t know for sure though. He was grateful for the generosity just the same, even if it was something he’d imagined.

The crack of the whip came again but the pain didn’t blossom on him this time. This happened sometimes. His brain expected the pain and sometimes they didn’t let it come, it was a form of mental torture. He knew that, but it made it hard to prepare for the pain of the day when he couldn’t anticipate when exactly it would fall.

He supposed a place like this was meant to be forever, right? He couldn’t remember his crimes, or perhaps there were none. Sometimes bad things just happened after all. He’d done something to earn himself a place here anyway. Whether it was by his misdeeds or just being in the wrong place at the right time. He didn’t know. He tried to focus his mind on something other than the pain surrounding him. There was a hum in the air that surrounded him. It vibrated through his chest and into his bones. The wrongness of it struck a chord deep inside of him. It beat against the rhythm of his heart and made him question whether the organ was really beating at all. He worried sometimes that the hum in the air was disrupting the beat of the muscle he knew he needed to live. What if the thrum caused his heart’s rhythm to falter? To stop even? Would he die? Was he already dead?

There had been a much longer pause between whip cracks this time and he felt relieved for a moment. Usually the whipping continued for a long time, followed by knives or fire. He would accept this respite while it presented itself to him. He searched the recesses of his mind for something pleasant to think on. He did this from time to time. The happy recollections were becoming harder and harder to grab onto. Even know he only had the barest impressions of sun kissed skin and rough, calloused hands as they fluttered in front of him. The images were familiar to him, comforting in a way that he couldn’t place. He focused on them while he could and tried to ignore the threat of pain looming over him.

There was some commotion across from him that broke him from his reverie. Reluctantly, he did his best to focus on the sound of it. This was a new sound, arguing voices perhaps? The sounds certainly came across as agitated, and perhaps they were voices. Though they were gruff and sounded like rocks being poured down a tunnel. He hadn’t been able to really focus down here in a long time, possibly never. How long had he been here? The rock sounds picked up speed and Cas blinked blearily towards the sound of it.

There was a moment of cool air being blown across his face and then a light, so blinding it made him sick to his stomach. He threw an arm across his eyes protectively, and was shocked to find that his arms were free. He’d been tied down… for a long time. Was this a new form of torture? It seemed likely. It was so bright in here that he couldn’t open his eyes. He was doing his best to listen, though his ears were unaccustomed to understanding language at this point.

There were murmurs around him, occasionally a voice raised in anger, then murmurs again. What were they saying? Where was he? He scrambled across the ground below him in an attempt to gain some information about his surroundings. The murmuring stopped for a moment and Cas felt suddenly self-conscious. Were they watching him? Likely. Who were they… Who was he actually?

A cool hand reached down and pulled him upwards. He fought against it instinctively and ended back on the floor with his cheek pressed against the hard surface. The agitation was back in the voices. He tried to listen but there was a ringing in his ears and a pain spreading through the base of his skull. What was happening…?

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” Came an angry voice. He was surprised that he could understand what it was saying. The speaker sounded annoyed, female possibly?

More angry murmuring. Cas opened his eyes into slits slowly. He could just make out the hazy outlines of shoes on the floor near his head. He couldn’t make out any details, but he was impressed with himself for managing even that much.

“Just heal him, Jesus! We don’t have all day to spend down here.”

“While I appreciate the compliment, love. We both know what they say about blasphemy.”

An angry hmph and Cas watched the black boots before him step to the side and away from him. There were at least two people here, he could tell that now. A woman and a man with a strange accent… 

“Now, now. There’s no need for that. He looks like he’s coming out of it now.” Another voice, male. This one made him feel uncomfortable, there was something slimy to it.

“Oh, fuck you.” The woman again. She stepped back towards him and he watched through his slitted eyes as she knelt down towards him. He felt a cool touch to his forehead and like a slap to the face, everything seemed to crystalize around him. He blinked rapidly and opened his eyes fully. What…

“Welcome back to the land of the living, Lo.” The smooth female voice said. She stood then and stepped back away from him. 

Cas frowned and rolled his face towards the ground. He could feel the rough texture of it against his forehead and he closed his eyes tightly. He inhaled deeply once, twice, three times before opening his eyes again. His body felt… amazing, fantastic really. He couldn’t ever remember feeling so perfect. Where was he…?

“Any time now, dear.” The male voice with the accent spoke.

Cas placed shaking hands on either side of his head and lifted himself slowly to his knees. He turned his head slowly and took stock of his surroundings. He was in a large room with a cold black floor under him. There were no windows and all the walls were painted a dark grey. A large desk took up the majority of the room and Cas tried to focus on it. The details of it were severe but fit the room appropriately. Behind the desk sat a balding and annoyed looking man in a suit. He was looking at Cas like he was the scum on the bottom of his shoe and Cas’s eyes darted away from the obvious hatred rolling of him.

He lifted his eyes towards the woman who was still standing close to him. Her hair was dark and curly and she had a raised eyebrow and a smirk trained on his face. He felt his face heat at her scrutiny. He had her to thank for tending to his wounds but the look on her face was predatory and it made his stomach squirm. Behind her stood a short man in a black pea coat. He looked bored and was the only one in the room who wasn’t watching Cas intently.

The woman reached down with a delicate hand and offered it to him simply. He reached towards her tentatively. If this was some form of torture he hadn’t figured it out yet, but he was wary of anything new that happened here. 

“Come on, Lo. Up you get, I won’t bite. Not unless you ask anyway.” She winked at him and he felt a chill run down his spine at her words. 

He accepted her hand and she pulled him, with surprising strength, upwards. He was unsteady on his feet and ended up leaning heavily on the much shorter woman. She seemed to accept this gracefully and planted her feet hips width apart to help her maintain her balance.

“Excellent! See, he’s fine.” The balding man behind the desk clapped his hands together in the manner of a businessman about to close a deal. “Now, where were we?”

“I believe, we were finishing the negotiations on this little contract.” Said the shorter man, who Cas new remembered had a British accent.

“Of course, of course. Well, as you know, he’s violated the terms of his contractual agreement with Hell.” The balding man leafed through a few sheets of paper before pulling it up and reading through it quickly. “Yes, it’s all here. He was tasked with going to Earth and contracting 112 souls in 1 years time. It looks like he… yes, he contracted 10 souls and then requested to come back early. He would have been punished for that alone, but it seems that he proceeded to burn the contracts for the 10 souls he’d managed to acquire. So, as you can see, it’s quite obvious why he’s where he is.” The balding man handed the piece of paper over to the British man.

The British man read through the contract quickly. Contract? Was that his contract? He didn’t remember signing one, but all those events sounded vaguely familiar. Had he been on Earth recently?

“Yes, it does look like this is all in order.” The man handed back the contract and the balding man took it and turned a smug smile towards Castiel. Cas felt his skin crawl at the look in the man’s eyes. 

“Well now, I hate to be rude about this, but what is it you’re still doing in my office?” Balding Man said.

The woman helping to hold Cas aloft rolled her eyes dramatically. She gave Cas an exaggerated wink. “There’s another contract, asshat.”

The Balding Man narrowed his eyes at her. “Another contract? My dear, believe me, I run a very tight ship here, if Castiel here had another contract I would know about it.”

The woman adjusted her grip on his arm and Cas felt himself shift a little closer to her. “Listen, sweetheart, the things you don’t know could fill a library…”

“That’s enough, Meg.” The British man spoke askance to her. He had pulled another sheet of paper from within the folds of his coat and was eyeing it with pursed lips. “Yes, this is it.” He blew on it gently and a fine layer of dust floated off of it and into the air.

He handed the paper towards Balding Man. He snatched it angrily from behind his desk and scanned it briefly with his eyes. He scoffed loudly at one point but read until he’d reached the end.

“You can’t be serious?” He asked and held the sheet aloft. “This is over 6 million years old! No one has invoked this contract, not once!”

“No one has ever filled the terms before.” British Man nodded his head once towards Cas before responding. “No one but Castiel here. Rules are rules, Zachariah. He’s paid his price, he gets a choice now.” 

“This is preposterous, Crowley! You can’t really expect me to honor something this old!” Zachariah rose angrily from his desk as he spoke. “That demon,” at this he pointed accusingly to Cas, “belongs to ME!”

“Not anymore he doesn’t. Now, please don’t make a scene, show a little decorum.” Crowley said disdainfully. He gave up the contracted souls, knowing full well that he would be punished. He did it out of sympathy and a sense of justice. He’s paid his time for the souls, 100 years, and now he gets a choice. The terms are clearly, if a little archaically, defined.” Crowley tucked the contract back into his coat and turned more fully towards Cas.

“Do you need to sit?” He asked suddenly, as if he just noticed that Cas wasn’t standing of his own volition.

“I...I’m okay…” Cas said haltingly. His voice sounded strange to his ears. It was rough from disuse and from screaming. From what he had gathered he hadn’t used it in 100 years. 100 years! 

“Fine. Now, how much of this are you retaining?” He asked skeptically. He eyed Cas up and down with a frown. Cas wondered briefly then what it was he looked like. They seemed to have bodies in here, maybe he did too now? 

“He’s fine, aren’t ya sugar? Get on with it.” Meg said beside him.

Crowley curled his lip in irritation at Meg. She must be his associate since it seemed they were on his side, though maybe not out of compassion. “You’ve been punished for your transgressions in Hell. However, prior to your removal here you chose to release the souls on Earth that you had contracted for use in Hell. Now, this has never happened before so we don’t have any precedent set, but there was an arrangement made a long time ago for just this situation. You’ve suffered for your crimes, paid for the atonement. Now, you get to choose what happens next.”

Cas blinked at him stupidly. He’d been here 100 years, paying for destroying the contracts that he’d made for 10 souls on Earth. He remembered vaguely burning them. Why had he done that? He had a brief memory of warm lips on his skin and a bright light under his fingers. He closed his eyes tightly. Where had that come from? Choose what happens next? Choose what happens to him? Was this still torture? Was he going to be given a choice and then have it thrown back in his face with a cruel laugh?

“...choice?” He managed to get out. Talking was still difficult and the word stuck in his throat while he tried to get it out. 

Crowley sighed quickly. “Let’s get a change of scenery shall we?” He glanced back towards Zachariah with a raised eyebrow. “Zach, as always, it’s been a pleasure. But, you’ll have to excuse us.”

Zachariah had opened his mouth and was in the process of standing when Crowley snapped his fingers and the office they were in vanished. The change in surroundings was disorienting and Cas blinked rapidly against a sudden churning in his stomach. Meg’s arms held him like a vice so at least he didn’t fall.

He opened his eyes, when had he closed them? They were in an… office? He wasn’t sure. They were in a large room with a high ceiling. It looked more like a cave than anything though, but right in the middle there was a large desk that looked as if it were plucked right out of the office of a Fortune 500 building. Yet, next to it were stalactites, or stalagmites, which ones grew from the floor? He looked around slowly. This was definitely a cave, there were even a couple bats hanging stealthily against the wall, it just had a fancy desk in it for some reason.

“Home sweet home, right Castiel?” Meg asked in his ear.

He shuddered at the warmth of her breath as it ghosted across his skin. “It’s not… very… welcoming…” Cas managed to grit out. His voice was still coming out roughly, like the words were being dragged across sandpaper before they left his lips.

“It’s not meant to be. This is just an anteroom. Now, where were we? Meg, if you’d please?” Crowley said distractedly as he walked quickly over to the desk. He seated himself imperiously behind it and began immediately to rummage through some papers on it’s surface.

Meg helped to navigate him carefully towards a high-backed chair that seemed to materialize out of nowhere across from Crowley’s desk. He was so completely dumbfounded by this turn of events that he didn’t put up any resistance as she helped to settle him on the uncomfortable cushion.

“Where are we?” Cas croaked out. He held a hand over his throat and rubbed gently at the tendons there. 

“Like I said, it’s an anteroom. Or… receiving and processing if you’d like.” He shuffled a few more papers and a look of irritation crossed his features. “It’s no wonder that damn cow missed our Castiel’s contract in the first place. This work space is a mess, what a complete slob!” Crowley threw a few papers away from him in anger. “This isn’t my area of expertise, per se. But, the Angel in charge of this office has been… let’s say, demoted.”

Cas felt a chill run through him at those words. There was something in the way that Crowley said demoted that raised goosebumps on his skin. He doubted that the Angel in question was happy in her new location. He glanced sideways at Meg but she seemed unconcerned with the situation around her and was instead inspecting her fingernails with a look of complete indifference on her face.

“Well, it’s a good thing for you we got that prayer when we did or you’d be spending the rest of eternity with your kinsmen downstairs.” Crowley folded his hands together on the desk and leaned closer to Castiel. “Now, as I was saying. You’ve got a choice in front of you.” Crowley paused here and inspected Castiel’s face to make sure he was paying attention.

Cas nodded mutely back at him. What in the actual fuck was even happening right now? 

“Excellent. So, we’re sitting in the Receiving and Processing Center for Purgatory at the moment.” He gestured around them impressively. “You can choose to pass through here and into Purgatory. You’ll fight and kill all the creepy-crawlies that died mortal deaths on Earth for the rest of eternity. Not my cup of tea perhaps, but many seem to enjoy it there.” He watched Cas closely at the statement and Cas recoiled slightly at the thought.

_Purgatory? PURGATORY!? What kind of option is Purgatory?_ He had known some demons who had called Purgatory “pure” and “simple” he supposed that could be the case. He could go there, kill and be killed for eternity. At least nothing there was very interested in torture. And it would certainly be preferable to being ACTIVELY tortured for eternity. He supposed it could be simple there… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad…

“What are my… other options…?” Cas asked slowly, cautiously.

“I’m glad you asked. Behind Door Number 2, we have… Earth.” Crowley had paused for emphasis and he seemed disappointed by Castiel’s reaction to his pronouncement for he frowned at Cas in irritation.

“Earth?” He asked dumbly.

“Yes, Earth. According to the stipulations of the contract, you’re to be offered two choices. Purgatory or Earth. We could grow you a soul and send you back to Earth. There you’d live a mortal existence and at the time of your death you would be weighed and measured and it would be determined where your soul would spend eternity after.” Crowley rested his chin in his hand while he looked at Castiel.

“I realize that Earth sounds like the much better option at the moment but allow me to flesh some details out for you. In Purgatory, you’d live for eternity with all of your powers. You would never be sent back to Hell or face the possibility of going back to that barbarism again. If you choose Earth though, understand this. Growing a soul is a complicated and painful process. I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you, the process of growing it would make your time in Hell feel like a trip to Candyland. Do you understand? There is a large possibility that you may not even SURVIVE the process of it. In which case, your atoms would simply scatter into the atmosphere and you’d cease to exist altogether. I realize that this is a big decision, but I am a busy man so please be mindful of my time. I’ll give you… fifteen minutes to decide.” Crowley checked the face of a small watch on his wrist. “I'll need a decision then.” He said simply and was gone immediately after.

Cas blinked after him and his eyes drifted to Meg, who was still in the room. She sauntered towards him slowly with that same predatory look in her eye. Cas felt himself shrink against the arm of the chair he was sitting in and Meg’s face split into a smile.

“I’m not going to hurt you, come on, Angel here.” She winked at him. For some reason, he didn’t feel comforted by her statement. “You still have a block upstairs, let me have a look.” And without waiting for his agreement, she placed two fingers against his forehead.

If Cas wasn’t sure that he was sitting completely still, he would have sworn that he had just gotten whiplash. Images, sounds, flashes of color, textures, the feeling of things against his skin. Memories! Came to him in an avalanche and he felt himself almost crushed under the weight of them. Meg removed her fingers and he felt himself reel backwards at the loss of her touch.

“I left that little dam in there when I healed you earlier. Didn’t want to give you too much too fast, ya know?” She winked at him again and Cas squinted at her in confusion. “Good luck, Lo.. Be seeing you around.” And just like that, she disappeared too. 

Cas was now alone in the cavernous room. He gripped his temples in shaking hands and hunched over himself in his seat. What had just happened? What was happening now? He was trying to parse through the memories that Meg had just released for him and was floundering. There was just… so much. A redhead smiling at him, a petite blonde punching him in the arm, a tall man laughing loudly at a joke… a man with green eyes… Dean. Dean! 

How could he have forgotten Dean! Dean had been… everything. _Oh Dean, Dean… I’m so sorry… I’ve dishonored the very memory of you by forgetting everything that we..._ No, he couldn’t do this now. He only had a few minutes. A few minutes to make a decision. 

How could he even begin to make a decision this large in just a few minutes. He’d made his peace with leaving Dean. Had told himself that it was for the better, that it was better for Dean, for everyone if he wasn’t there anymore. They were better off without the company of a demon after all. But… if he could go back as human… with a soul even. Could he be what Dean needed, what he deserved? 

Purgatory offered an attractive option. True, it was violent and brutal. But… at least there he wouldn’t be able to corrupt anyone else. He could hunt the other, more violent creatures that existed in the universe to his heart’s content. He was a tactician after all. He may not be the most gifted warrior, but he was good with a blade and sharp-witted. He could be successful there. And he wouldn’t have to worry about hurting anyone his family… His family…

How could he possibly make a decision like this?! He’d already made his choice. He’d made the decision to leave. It had been hard, but he had been willing to accept the consequences. The memory of watching The Exorcist with Dean floated to him. That’s what people thought of him, that’s what demons did to people. He was just like that! Wasn’t he? Dean needed someone who could love him unconditionally, who was gentle and kind and who could take care of him like he deserved. Castiel was likely to ruin everything he touched. But… if he had a soul, maybe? There was no doubt in his mind that he loved Dean, Dean was everything to him, he had taught Cas what it truly meant to be human, Dean was his humanity. He couldn’t remember Dean in Hell, but some part of him had taken solace in the parts of Dean that he could remember. Did that count for something?

_What do I do? What do I do?_

He felt a thrill go through him then, a cool breeze that seemed to touch him across his chest. He shivered against it and huddled over himself further. What had that been? The image of Dean’s face, eyes puffy with tears and cheeks stained red came to his mind. This wasn’t something he remembered, he couldn’t place where he’d ever seen him cry like this. There had been the panic attack, but it hadn’t looked like this. Was this a memory?

He grasped onto the thread of the image and pulled it towards him. It seemed to open further at that and he could see that Dean had a hand gripped into his hair and another was… running over the pendant at Dean’s throat. Oh… Oh! This wasn’t a memory! Dean was… Oh Dean… Dean was praying to him. _Oh Dean, baby… I can’t answer prayers..._

Cas felt tears pull at the corners of his eyes. Dean was hurting, he was in pain and it was Cas’s fault. He’d made a mistake, he’d stayed too long. He’d taken too much. If Cas had been in Hell for 100 years… how long had he been out of Dean’s life? Dean was still hurting, the wound looked fresh even. _I’m so sorry, Dean. I fucked up, I fucked up so bad. How do I fix it? How do I fix this for you?_

Cas ran a hand through his own hair, mirroring the movements of Dean in his mind's eye. He wanted to go to Dean, wanted to kiss him and apologize and promise to make everything better, BE better. Could he go? Could he really go back after all that happened? Could he tell Dean what had happened? How do you confess something like that? And that’s if he even survived the process. What had Crowley said? His atoms could be scattered into the atmosphere. Maybe that would be alright too though? They could float up into the clouds that he had so liked? Maybe they’d even make their way over South Dakota sometime? That would be ok…

He just didn’t know what to DO! Purgatory or Earth? Purgatory or Earth? How did he choose? How long had Crowley been gone? How much longer did Cas have to decide? He focused on the image of Dean in his mind. The man had bent his head to press a reverent kiss to the pendant, to Cas’s own name! With his beautiful lips. Cas felt the ghost of the kiss against his own collar bone. He remembered very vividly now how those lips had felt on his skin. He wanted them again, desperately. Purgatory or Earth…

There was a rustling of wings and Crowley was back in the room. Cas squeezed his eyes tightly and focused on the image of Dean one final time. _I’m so sorry, Dean…_

“Have you decided, love?” Crowley asked. He sounded bored and Castiel wanted to scream at him. This was only his life! Only the biggest decision he would ever make! How could the other man possibly be bored at a time like this! Dean was crying on Earth, his very soul was shattered and in distress. And Crowley looked as if this was just another day in his life.

Purgatory or Earth.

Purgatory or Earth.

Purgatory or Earth.

“Yes.” Cas answered with finality and hated himself as soon as the word was out of his mouth. 

“Excellent! Let’s go, shall we?” Crowley extended a hand and Cas reached for it hesitantly. What had he done? 

xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love Meg. She calls Cas "Lo" in this chapter, which is a reference to the movie that this little story is loosely, loosely based on. It's about a demon going to Earth and falling in love. It's a trip, it's set up almost like a stage performance and it silly and heartbreaking. I recommend it if you're looking for something a little different.
> 
> You guyyyysssssss!!! There's only one chapter left! I have never written so much in my entire life! This is going to be my first completed story ever! And it's so fucking long! I'm having a mini panic attack about it! 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts!


	16. Being Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry this took so long. I couldn't get it right! I'm still not super pleased with it but I need to get it on here or I'll never post it.

“Dean!” Sam bellowed loudly. “Get back in here, dude. We need help with this damn tree!”

Dean curled his lip in irritation. It wasn’t that he was lacking in “Christmas Spirit” he was just… distracted. Things were different this year and he didn’t want to admit to himself WHY that was. He had been trying to cover his bad moods and short tempers in the last few weeks by throwing himself into work with a fury. It wasn’t fooling anyone though. They all knew. He could tell that they all knew because they shot him sympathetic looks when they thought he wasn’t looking. It was making him sick. 

He stepped into the living room of the cabin and eyed the scene before him. Sam was dressed casually with a fuzzy and overlarge Santa hat perched atop his ridiculous hair. Jess was next to him, wearing flannel pajamas and some puffy looking boots. And at their feet, the puppy, which they had decided to name Ruth or RBG when they were feeling particularly thug, tugged relentlessly at their pant legs. Dean rolled his eyes at them. They were the perfect, picturesque little family. He felt like an interloper here, an extra wheel that didn’t belong. The others were coming up here in a couple days and he couldn’t wait for some other faces to look at, he loved Sam and Jess, but damn. How could he NOT feel like garbage around them when they were all lovey-dovey and cute with their damn dog. 

_I wish Ca… No, no you promised that you weren’t going to do this. He’s gone. You did what you could._ A brief flash of memory, of him talking to Gabriel at the crossroads, floated back to him. That whole time felt like a fever dream. Sometimes he wondered if those few months after Cas had disappeared had even happened at all. Every time he thought back on his “research” he felt embarrassed. There was NO WAY that he had actually summoned a demon. The fact that the demon in question had shown up in the form of Gabriel should have been a clue for him. His brain had been playing tricks on him. He was so grief-stricken that he’d imagined a fantastical situation that could not possibly be true. That seemed like the most logical conclusion, right?

He sighed heavily. He needed to get a grip and calm down. He was doing better now, sort of. He was still sad, but he’d come to accept that Cas had left… left him. And that there wasn’t anything Dean could do about it now.

“Dean, what the fuck. Get over here!” Sam snapped at him from around a tree branch. He was bent double trying to force the pine into a stand. It would have been hilarious if Dean wasn’t so annoyed with everything right now.

He stomped over angrily and brushed Jess aside. She took a large step backwards and bent to scoop up the pup. She and Sam had gotten very good at reading Dean’s moods and she could tell pretty obviously that Dean wasn’t in the mood for dog antics right now.

Dean grasped the other side of the trunk and together he and Sam hefted it, with moderate difficulty, into the red metal stand on the floor. Dean managed to catch a branch and a load of pine needles in the face as he made to stand. He squinted against the sensation and clapped a hand over his cheek. Great.

Sam turned a radiant smile around the room and Jess mimicked it. Dean just rolled his eyes. He needed to get out of here before he choked on heart eyes.

”I need to get some air.” He signed quickly.

“But Dean! We’ve gotta decorate now!” Sam called after him. 

Dean could hear Jess behind him speaking quietly to Sam. He was sure that she was telling him to back off and he was marginally grateful for that. He didn’t know why he felt so agitated tonight. He’d been in a bad mood for a long time, true, but something felt different tonight. His skin felt tight around his body, like there was an itch moving around under his skin. Or like there was something he was supposed to do and he had forgotten, but for the life of him he couldn’t think what it might be.

The screen door clanged behind him as he stepped onto the porch and into the cold December night. He felt better out here. There was something about the stars above him and the chill on his skin that calmed him. He inhaled deeply and let the crisp smell of the frost race down his nostrils. It hadn’t snowed yet, but he suspected that it was coming soon. He was looking forward to it. He’d always loved the snow. Winter was his favorite time of year, by far.

To his left the lake twinkled invitingly. He felt a small smile curve his lip as he walked towards it slowly. Memories of tanned skin and dark hair came back to him from the summer. His fingers tingled, as they often did when he thought of Cas. Fuck, he missed him. 

_Where are you, Cas?_

He shook his head to try and clear it. He had gotten into a bad habit of asking the sky where Cas was recently and it was something he needed to break. The sound of the gentle lapping of the lake water against its shore met his ears. Around him, all else was silent.

xxx

The pain was indescribable. It felt as if his entire body had been torn apart atom by atom and his molecules lit individually on fire. There was no way he was going to survive this. He would suffer through all of this for nothing. The pain didn’t come in waves like it did in Hell, he didn’t have time to prepare. From the moment, he’d grasped Crowley’s hand he’d felt a fire flare in his chest. It had spread outward from there towards his fingers, his toes, and upwards towards his head. It took all of half a second before all of Castiel’s conscious thought had ended. 

He existed now only to be set on fire. He no longer possessed a body, there was only screaming and pain. The sound of his screams seemed to be echoing all around him, but he knew that he no longer possessed a voice. There was nothing of him left anymore. He was a charred husk of a body with a soul alight in agony. He could spend a minute or an eternity in this place and he wouldn’t know the difference. 

And then, abruptly, it ended. Cas came back to himself slowly. There was a dull ache in his leg and a sharp pain in his ribs. But… those felt like background complaints. There was pain, in his limbs! He had a body again? And he wasn’t dead? His atoms hadn’t been thrown across the universe. He had a body, certainly, because currently, it HURT. He was able to think again though. His thoughts were slow and were flowing through him like molasses, but they were there.

_Where am I…?_

Cas opened his eyes blearily. It looked like he was only getting good vision out of one. That was no matter though, he could see! The area around him swam into focus slowly. Above him, an inky blackness spread outwards and small pinpricks of light twinkled down at him merrily. _Stars… There’s stars…_

The moon was a spotlight to his left and he turned his head slowly towards it. _It’s night..._ He didn’t know where he was but it was night here at the least. That was something. He needed to get up and look around to try and get his bearings.. His body felt like it had been run over by a semi and it took him a few minutes before he could convince himself to try and move.

Gingerly, he lifted a hand and touched his ribs. A couple of those were broken. He tried to move his right leg, that was broken as well. He touched gently around the edges of his right eye, and that was swollen shut. But, he could move! He could think! He was alive! As far as he was concerned he’d come out on top of this situation. Very on top!

A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. The smile hurt, he must have a split in his lip as well. The pain made him grin all the bigger however. He was alive! A chuckle rumbled painfully out of his chest at the thought. The chuckle hurt but it seemed to throw him into a cycle now. The more his body hurt, the harder he laughed. He was feeling pain, he’d made it! He laughed a little hysterically as he lay broken and bleeding slowly on the cold hard ground and under the black nighttime sky.

_I’m alive. I’m alive!_

After a few more minutes, he was able to roll himself forwards onto his front. It took some careful maneuvering, but he managed to get himself on all fours, or all threes, because his broken leg wouldn’t accept any weight. He managed to crawl and drag himself towards a nearby tree. He used a low hanging branch to help pull himself upright. He leaned heavily against the thin trunk and took a couple of deep breaths. He’d exhausted himself with just that small amount of exertion. He needed to get his bearings, quickly.

He glanced around with his one good eye. The area was wooded, it was cold, VERY cold, night time… and that seemed to be about it. There were no markers anywhere, no landmarks, nothing to help him navigate. If he didn’t find some shelter soon, he didn’t like his chances out here. He was only in his trench after all. 

“I’m alive and I’m going to freeze to death…” Cas muttered darkly to himself. 

But… the ground under him was compacted. In fact… yes, it looked like a road! Or, if not a road, at least something that was meant to be traveled by car. Perfect! It swept up a small incline to his left and then slightly downwards to his right. Perfect, but which direction?

He continued to lean against the tree while he pondered his choices. _Right or left? Right or left? Purgatory or Earth? Hmmm…._ Well, he’d picked Earth, that was the upward choice. So perhaps, he’d pick left since it went up too? What’s the worse that could happen, right? Another chuckle burbled over his lips and he grinned to himself.

_I’m going to die out here._ He thought with a smile.

He hauled himself upright and slowly left the support of the tree behind. It was generally advisable to seek higher ground. The ground to the left was higher than the ground to his right, that was as good a reason as any. He began a slow, slow, walk to the trail leading left. It was difficult and he made little progress with each step. His useless right leg was dragging behind him and hurt everytime he had to take a hopping step forwards. Maybe he’d be better served to keep dragging himself with his arms?

He disregarded that thought almost immediately though. He was alive here. He was… human. He wasn’t going to spend his first few minutes as a human dragging himself across the ground. No, no he would walk, as long as he was able, he would walk.

And so he went. Each step more painful than the last, slowly and surely up the trail. He didn’t have any way to tell time right now, but judging by the feeling, or lack thereof, in his fingers from the cold, he’d been out here longer than he should have.

After an indeterminate amount of time, he became aware of warm yellow light shining through the trees before him. He had to contain a tear that threatened to spill at the sight. Maybe he’d live after all. With a renewed focus, he set himself towards the lights ahead. The closer he got, the clearer they became. The light was pouring out of windows set inside a cabin. It looked familiar, though he couldn’t quite place it.

He continued his slow hop-shuffle onwards. He was close now, close enough that he could make out movement in the windows of the building. Someone was home! He was going to be ok!

Movement outside of the cabin and in front of him caught his attention. He frowned at it for a moment. Everything seemed still now… wait, no! There it was again… a shifting in the darkness. It was… oh, it was a person. They were shifting from foot to foot 40 feet or so in front of him. Actually… the whole scene looked VERY familiar. There was even a shimmer like lights off of water in front of the person. 

He started his slow shuffle forward again. He needed to ask for help, he didn’t have time to worry about vague memories that may or may not be real right now. He needed to warm up and then he needed to find out where he was. Who knew how far from Sioux Falls he’d been dropped. He had made it over half the distance to the person before they seemed to notice that they weren’t alone. He could see their shoulders tense slightly before they turned slowly towards him.

He was glad they’d noticed him. He was too weak to call out to anyone in his current state and he was hoping that he wouldn’t have to startle them. He knew that people didn’t like being startled, especially at night and in the woods. 

He lifted a hand in an attempt at a greeting when the movement of his hand halted halfway up. He might have be running at half capacity, half frozen, battered and bruised, he might have spent the last 100 years being tortured in Hell, but he would recognize the face of Dean Winchester anywhere. Even in the the low light of the woods at night with only one good eye, he’d recognize him. And though he could no longer see Dean’s soul, a human problem he’d have to adjust to, the planes and angles of the man’s face were as familiar to him as they’d been 100 years ago.

He couldn’t believe his luck. Or perhaps it wasn’t luck, he didn’t know how Crowley knew to deposit him here, or maybe he himself had dropped himself here. He didn’t know. There were so many questions about this whole “Being Human” process that he doubted would ever be answered. But, right now, none of that mattered. He was here, he was alive. And he was right in front of the love of his life.

“Dean…” He whispered brokenly.

xxx

Dean felt better after watching the slow movement of the water in front of him. The cold felt good against his skin, it soothed his nerves and settled his riotous thoughts. The soft breeze that touched his cheeks reminded him of long fingers touching him reverently. He looked upwards at the stars and inhaled deeply. He missed Cas. He missed him like you’d miss an arm if it suddenly disappeared, or you’d miss air if you were drowning. 

The shuffle of movement behind him drew his attention. There was a scraping and dragging sound, like something being drug across gravel. It sounded close too. He felt his muscles tighten under his sweater at the sound. He should have noticed it sooner, his fucking brain was driving him to distraction. Now, he was about to be murdered by some crazy hillbilly with an ax. Shit. _Keep it together, Big D, keep it together. It’s probably just a raccoon. Be cool here._

He turned slowly, anxiety pulling at his chest. He squinted against the low light and tried to make sense of something that was definitely not happening. There was a man behind standing there, though standing may be a generous term. The dude looked halfway into the grave. Ok, so not a raccoon. Not dressed like a hillbilly though, so that’s a plus. In fact… the guy was dressed rather sharply in a suit and… a trench coat. _Oh holy shit fucking fuck, he’s got on a trench coat!_

This was absolutely NOT happening. He’d cracked. His brain had thrown in the towel and taken a permanent vacation. There was no fucking way that… that Cas was standing in front of him, trench coat and all. There was no way that CAS, Cas who had been missing for 10 months, Cas who Dean had searched relentlessly for, Cas who was maybe, but probably not, a demon, had just wandered up in the middle of the night to the cabin in the dead of winter. It just wasn’t possible. Right?

A quiet and broken sound drifted to his ears then. The blood was rushing in his ears so loudly that he almost missed it. But, it had been there, clear as a bell. 

“Dean…” Cas said on a breath.

Dean shook his head to clear it and rubbed a hand across his eyes. Cas still stood before him, battered, bruised and swaying slightly. ”Cas… Cas! CAS! Cas, you’re here! Cas, what the fuck! How, why, where did you… how!? Dean knew that he was signing too rapidly for anyone to follow but he couldn’t seem to calm down. CAS WAS HERE!

He rushed forwards and grabbed the sides of Cas’s face in his hands. He looked into each of his eyes frantically. Cas gave him a weak smile and a fissure opened in Dean’s heart at the sight of it. Dean pulled his hands back quickly and began touching Cas tentatively all over, checking where he was holding tightly to his ribs, his leg that he was dragging, his cheeks, his arms, anything and everything he could get a hold on. Cas was here, Dean could FEEL him, he was really, really here! In between touching each location he signed feverishly, ”What happened?” ”Where are you hurt?” “What happened? Is this broken? How bad is this? What happened?” “Cas!” “Cas!”

Cas was silent the entire time and merely stood stoically during Dean’s concerned onslaught. After a few minutes of this though Cas finally held up a hand and placed it loosely around Dean’s bicep. Dean stopped immediately. His entire body went rigid at the confirmation that Cas was alive and in front of him. He turned a confused frown towards the man that he’d convinced himself he’d never see again.

Cas’s hand trailed up Dean’s arm to gently cup his cheek. Dean’s skin felt overheated at the sensation, like a fire was scorching it’s way across his skin wherever Cas had touched him. Tears pricked at the corners of Dean’s eyes as he focused on Cas’s calm blue ones. He felt a knife twist in his gut at the sight of the swollen one, it looked incredibly painful. He raised shaking hands in front of himself to sign, “Cas?”

He knew that tears were flowling freely down his cheeks now but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to care. Cas… Cas was really here… He’d come back. Come back to him. Dean could feel his presence, the chill from his skin, the pressure on his cheek from Cas’s palm. This wasn’t a half-remembered dream in the mornings, this wasn’t the ghost of a presence in his house, the whisper of a kiss against his temple at night. This was real. Cas was real and he was here.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas whispered to him on a cracked voice.

The fissure in Dean’s heart ripped completely down the middle at the sound and Dean felt 10 months worth of grief race out of the hole all at once. He felt his lips tremble and knew that he was about 0.3 seconds away from an “Ugly Cry” and there was nothing he could do to stop it. His forehead wrinkled and his face scrunched up tightly as a strangled wail escaped his lips. He knew that Cas was injured but that didn’t stop him from throwing himself into the other man’s arms. Nothing in Heaven or Hell could have prevented him from wrapping his arms around the dark-haired man and clinging to him like the last gulp of water before going into the desert. Cas let out a pained grunt but he wrapped an arm around Dean’s shoulders just the same. The left arm he kept clasped tightly around his waist, likely trying to protect the broken ribs.

Dean buried his nose against Cas’s neck and felt a river of tears flow out of his clenched eyes. He was taking great heaving breaths as he cried into the shoulder of the love of his life. Cas was back! He was back! Dean inhaled deeply and smelled that wonderful mixture of Cas’s soap and the rich masculine scent of the man himself. Dean felt a shiver wrack his body and a renewed series of tears poured into the fabric of Cas’s trench. The sound of Dean inhaling deeply and loudly cut across the still winter air around them like cannon fire and he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Not now, not when he finally had Cas back in his arms. 

They stood there for what could have been an eternity, Dean wasn’t sure. He cried until he didn’t have any tears left in his body and then he continued to cling to Cas like he was a lifejacket in an ocean. Cas stood quietly and whispered gentle words into Dean’s hair while Dean released all of his fears, grief, and pain into the air around them beside the lake.

Finally, emotions spent, Dean was able to pull himself backward and to look up at Cas with disbelieving eyes. His face was itchy from the salt of his tears and his eyes were both puffy now. He knew he was red in the face and probably had snot coming out of his nose. It was definitely an “Ugly Cry” and dammit he didn’t care. Couldn’t care right now. Cas was back. 

Cas seemed to be searching his face for something, Dean wasn’t sure what, but he couldn’t seem to speak. Dean didn’t seem to have any words now that he’d just exorcised himself of all the heartache he’d been holding in for almost a year. Cas must have been satisfied with whatever he saw in Dean’s expression because he smiled softly at him. Dean felt a flutter in his chest and realized that butterflies must have escaped from the hole in his heart. Jesus, when did he get so fucking poetic?

Dean knew he had huge pleading eyes turned towards Cas, knew that he looked pathetic, and he wasn’t sure what he was asking for but Cas seemed to know. The dark-haired man bent slowly towards him and paused inches from his face. He inspected Dean’s expression again before pressing forward and placing a feather light kiss to Dean’s lips. If there was anything left in him to cry out he would have done so then. It was perfect. Cas said everything that Dean needed to hear with that gentle press of lips. 

Cas pulled back slowly and rested his forehead against Dean’s. Cas inhaled deeply and slumped a little forwards. “I missed you…” Cas said quietly. 

Dean raised a gentle hand and ran it through the other man’s hair, mindful of all of his bumps and bruises this time. _I missed you too, Cas. I missed you too…_

They had a lot of talking to do, a lot of explaining and a lot of assurances needed to be made. But, it could wait. Cas was here now. Cas was safe. Cas was back home, where he belonged. They could figure everything else out later.

Cas pressed further forward into Dean and Dean smiled. This was so perfect. He opened his eyes to watch Cas’s expression but was startled when the other man leaned more heavily against him. This didn’t feel quite so romantic now. He started to take a step back but Cas followed him forwards, and then he kept moving. Cas’s body promptly folded and pitched forward without Dean’s presence keeping him upright now.

_Shit!_ Dean thought frantically.

He moved quickly and caught Cas just before he face-planted into the gravel of the driveway. Now that the shock of Cas’s return had worn off somewhat, he was able to take a better stock of what the other man actually looked like. Dean was dismayed to discover that Cas looked like actual shit and it was dark out here.

_Cas, you stupid son of a bitch, what happened…_

Dean adjusted Cas’s weight in his arms, he did his best to move him carefully, mindful of all the broken bones he could see and others he couldn’t. Now that Dean was really paying attention, Cas felt cold. And not like Cas-cold, but like I’m-going-to-die-of-exposure-cold. _Fucking fuck fuck, Cas._ Dean hoisted Cas up into his arms and made his way slowly towards the cabin.

He did his best to focus on the direction they were going but he kept getting distracted by the fact that Cas was in his arms. Cas was back! He lifted his feet carefully, mindful of the uneven ground and shifting of the gravel of the driveway. He bent towards Cas just before reaching the steps and pressed his lips against the other man’s cheek. “I love you” he mouthed against the other man’s skin. He would tell Cas eventually, but he hoped that this was enough for now. Cas may not know that he’d finally said it, but at least Dean knew. It was enough for now.

The warmth of the cabin spilled outwards as Dean made his way towards the door and he smiled down at the exhausted and frankly, pitiful looking, man in his arms. _I’ll watch over you, Angel. Forever and ever._

xxx

Cas had some explaining to do after he’d healed up some. Jess had given him some quick field medicine while Dean and Sam had run around the cabin under her orders to get items to warm Cas up. He’d then been driven to the hospital where he’d spent 5 days under observation because of some unfortunate internal bleeding. They’d cleared it up though and he’d been released into his family’s care at the end. His family… They’d all come to visit him in the hospital while he’d been there. Dean had apparently given them all rather strict instructions not to ask him any questions while he was recovering and Cas was grateful for it. He didn’t have a story put together for them yet and he needed some time to sleep and come up with an excuse for his absence.

What had been 100 years for him had apparently only been 10 months for the others. It wasn’t quite a lifetime, but from the way Dean looked at him in the quiet moments in his hospital bed, he knew that it had felt that way for the other man. He still couldn’t believe that when he opened his eyes, he was greeted almost every morning by Dean’s face. Sometimes he was awake and moving around the hospital room, other’s his head was pillowed on his arms on Cas’s bed. It was perfect. Cas couldn’t believe his luck to have earned the attentions of this incredible and beautiful man. 

Dean had insisted that Cas move in with him after his time in the hospital while Cas got his feet back under him. He made some excuse about having extra space and not minding the company, but Cas suspected that Dean was just unwilling to let him out of his sight for very long now. It was true that whenever Cas disappeared into the bathroom in the hospital Dean was always right outside the door, “just in case you need anything, Cas” but Cas doubted Dean’s motives were that altruistic. 

Cas didn’t mind any of it. Dean hovered, and he fussed, and he asked at least 100 times a day how Cas was feeling, he made sure he ate all of his horrible hospital food and that his pillows were fluffed. He reminded Cas of a large mother hen, but the attention was appreciated. He still couldn’t believe that he’d gone from hourly tortures in Hell to this… this Heaven on Earth. 

He woke screaming sometimes, nightmares of Hell. He never told Dean that that was what they were, and Dean never asked. He simply held tightly to the other man and allowed himself to be soothed with gentle fingers in his hair and kisses at his temple. His shaking would stop eventually and Dean would settled him back in bed. His broken ribs made this difficult but he managed alright.

Walking into Dean’s house after being released from the hospital was like walking into a dream. He knew that he was on Earth, knew that he was back with his loved ones, back home. But he’d only ever visited the cabin briefly and the hospital was a completely new setting for him. Stepping foot into Dean’s house, where he’d made so many memories, where he’d shared so much with everyone, it was… surreal. 

He had halted in the doorway and felt the air leave his lungs in a rush. He was really here… he was really back here. And he had YEARS to be here, to live as a human, with his family and his friends. He could do whatever he wanted. He was free now. The realization had punched through him like a fist and he doubled over in shock. Dean was on him almost immediately, signing to him frantically and asking if he was alright. Cas took a few steadying breaths before straightening again. He did his best to wave Dean away, he assured him that he was fine, just a twinge that had passed. He could tell from his expression that Dean seemed doubtful, but he didn’t comment on it.

Cas took a cautious step forward and felt all of his fears and anxieties about choosing Earth over Purgatory leave him. Dean was standing before him with a shy smile on his face as he held Cas’s personal effects and some medicine from the pharmacy. Cas looked around him at the entryway into Dean’s home and felt a warm spread through his chest at the sight. This was where he belonged. This was where he was meant to be. 

Yes, he hurt. Being human was painful. He suspected that it always would be. But, this, being here, being home with his loved one… this was worth every single ounce of torment he’d ever experienced. He was MEANT to be here, he just knew it. The Universe felt like it had aligned right, finally for him. Being a demon had been a fluke, a cosmic mistake of epic proportions. He was always meant to be human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! I can't even fucking believe it! 
> 
> Thank you all so much reading this and bearing with me. This is the first story I've ever written and completed and it got SO out of hand. I had planned to write an 80,000 word fic and here we are double that amount later. I'm such a doofus. This started as something silly to write and I realized as I was writing it that I added in some more profound thoughts than I meant too.
> 
> Thank you to everyone that read, commented, kudos'd and all those in this fandom. You're all amazing and I'm so proud to count myself as one of you. Kisses!! 
> 
>  
> 
> I have a smutty epilogue to post, but it might take a little bit longer and it'll mostly just be a cute/filthy update on these two idiots and their lives.


End file.
